Saturday, November 16, 2013

And the sunshine shone from the sunshine above…

amen, brother

Dog, proofreading ZURCH! is killing me… I changed the ending to PARIS!, which did, as expected, require a rewrite of the majority of the fucker. This Cabin Pressure trilogy is going to be the death of me.

On a happy note, we’re finally getting the REAL Zurich episode. Finnemore has confirmed that the original cast will come back for the series ender, too. I just hope it ends with Martin staying at MJN…

Plus, I’m 16 days into NaNoWriMo, so I need the extra distraction. Right? Right! Why the fuck not?

——

Finally, Friday, I started to feel like a human again.

I went out to breakfast with D and we talked about how bad it sucked to be let go while Junior ran off to China to work for Daddy.

I interviewed with the recruiter for the part time / full time / temp to perm position. He’s going to try and get me in front of the company ASAP. Actually, for as fucked up as it sounds, its actually a good position and has a LOT of potential for someone who gets bored easily. I guess we’ll see. The recruiter was wicked excited about me being a good fit for them, so I’ve got my fingers crossed…

Drove to Saratoga Springs for a night with my Albany family. It was, as always, exactly what I needed when I needed it. If I wasn’t hell bent on leaving the country, I might have seriously considered shifting my job search to Albany…

But it’s time for my next adventure, the hubby’s on board with the decision, and Universe willing, I’ll find out that I really am Polish-American. (Dear universe, please, please, please, let me know what I can do to ensure Polish citizenship. I have a career counsellor ready to help me update my CV, I have an immigration solicitor ready to smooth out any rough edges. And uh, I’ve been doing a passable job of writing British-English fan fic according to one of my new friends on AO3, so there’s that, too. I’ll be pre-assimilated! Is that even a thing? It is now… all I need is that EEA/EU citizenship. )

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m really Ukrainian, but that’s not going to help me any since they’re not in the EEA/EU.

——

Feeling like shit again today.

Last week was a roller coaster and it really fucked me up. I felt just well enough to have one good day and then I relapsed.

Eh, yesterday was so fucking awesome, it’s worth it to be all headachey and miserable again today.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Welcome back, panic attacks.

spn behind the scenes…

One of my recruiters submitted my resume for a position with a company named “Beaver somethingorother”. BEAVER! My inner twelve year old went completely bat shit and I laughed for about 20 minutes. No lie.

I’m meeting with a recruiter tomorrow after breakfast with a friend. He’s got a part time to full time / temp to perm job that I’m interested in. It’s part time to start at a pretty good hourly rate, and if it grows, 40 hours at a better rate. It will keep me busy… it’s not like I’m getting any more offers at the moment. I can barely get interviews and I can’t find anything that I’m even qualified for on all the job boards. My well is run dry…

So… this part time thing, who know? Might work out. Might not.

It couldn’t be any where near as bad as Tuesday.

Holy hell, Tuesday was TERRIBLE.

I went to Newburyport (absolute hellhole to work in - parking is HORRENDOUS) and started temping for this CPA. He gives me this list of 4 things to do. I can’t even read his damn handwriting, so I ask him what he wants. He looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language. Then he says he wants financial statements. OK. He doesn’t say what period, so I assume, hey, it’s early November, he wants October’s financials. I give him October’s he tells me he wants the entire year. OK. I give him those. This client isn’t on a calendar year. Well, why didn’t you say so?  It took me forever to find what I was looking for, too, whether it was on the computer or in the office.

It went like that ALL day. Like I was just expected to know stuff. He told me he was expecting me to do journal entries. OF WHAT? WHICH COMPANY? He called me stupid and told me that this job was way beyond my reach. Only because I couldn’t read his mind…

So, yeah. Left him at 4:30 and was one and done.

——

Spent today fighting with Apple. Can’t get a fucking film to download. AGAIN. I’m so sick of having these problems with them. My iTunes account is FILLED with credits for film rentals and music because they’re trying to make it right… Yeah, give me free access to more shit I can’t get.

Also, speaking of Apple issues - it doesn’t recognize my Wacom tablet any more. Somewhere along the line, the mapping between the tablet and the computer got horked. Went in to the system preferences to fix it and I don’t have a recognized tablet.

Also, also - Had to do an online skill assessment and BOOM! Can’t do that either. Their website requires Java. All three of my browsers have Java. Not one of the three worked with their website…

I. AM. FUCKING. DONE.

——

Been queasy all day. Have barely eaten. Heart rate has been elevated… Panic Attack city over here and it’s just been getting worse all day.

——

In other, happy news, I sent off my request for my grandfather’s birth certificate.

Hopefully I have better luck with that than I did everything else.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Migraines and misery and warm fuzzies

sassy benedict is sassy

Where to begin?

I’ve not felt well since Friday, when I walked away from an offer and passed up a third interview.

The self-doubt was paralysing.

Apparently, it was something I should have listened to.

I didn’t even get a second interview at the restaurant… which was the entire reason I walked away from everything else.

So, yeah. Migraines and misery. The stress wasn’t bad enough as it was, so the bipolar cranked it up to eleventy billion.

And now my brain feels like it’s about to crawl out of my eyeballs, noise hurts, food is just a bad idea, and even brushing my hair caused unbearable agony.

I’m absolutely miserable.

I hate myself for walking away.

I hate myself for letting my hope get out of control.

I hate myself for yet another bad employment related decision.

——

But just when I thought I really wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground, I got this comment on “PARIS”...

*stifled whimpers* agh *shattering noise* b-but *sobbing* THERE WAS SPOONING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rolling on the ground in agony* *clutches knees to chest* FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXX THEMMMMMMMM MARTIN YOU IDIOT AND DOUGLAS FUCKING SAY YOU DONT WANT A ONE NIGHT STAND GOD DAMMIT GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES
... i liked it

And then, I got this one:

Please tell me this isn’t how it ends! :( I can’t bear it.  Why can’t they just get it together? This is just not fair.

A little background since you’re probably not reading it - Martin’s crushing on Douglas. Douglas is crushing on Martin. They decide to sleep together in the same bed. (Just sleep, no sex. I am TERRIBLE at M/M sex scenes. Really terrible.) That does wind up with a little bit of Douglas kissing Martin and then Martin freaks out and pulls away. Then he initiates a kiss, and Douglas pulls away. Martin assumes that all Douglas wants is a one night stand… which couldn’t be farther from the truth. At any rate, the chapter ends with Douglas throwing Martin out of his bed and the two end up heartbroken and in their own beds. There may or may not be a little crying going on.

It’s a real downer of an ending. It’s terrible and I am so sorry that that’s the way it went, but…

Basically, at this point, it’s all dictation. The boys ignored the arc of the trilogy. They definitely wanted to stretch out the tale of their relationship (remember when it bloated to five parts?) and it was hard to reel them back in. So, this happened.

I’ve been getting comments on the Johnlock and “HARTFORD” on how sweet and fluffy they are, and then I write this heartbreaking shit.

I’m amazed with the way I pulled it off and I’m more amazed at the reactions I received.

I knew that I was doing something right when I got that first comment. I really knew I was doing something very right when I got the second. To know that my writing that has that much power… it’s humbling and exciting.

I highly doubt I’ll ever publish a book like I wanted to when I was younger - and, really, I don’t even want to try any more - but publishing little crappy bits of fan fiction is fulfilling enough.

It really is.

And I’m just going to focus on the fact that I do have talent and that people like what I spent months on. That the four (five?) different drafts were worth it. That the extra hours of editing BEFORE I click post are worth it…

Thank you, one and all, who kudo, comment and simply stop by to read.

You certainly made the lingering ick of the last few days bearable.

Now, if I could only get rid of this fucking migraine.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Remission would be nice…

after a few entries without pix, i give you the cumberbabe

“10 years ago my mental illness got so bad that I finally got help. At first it was worse, then it was better, then worse again. Now I fluctuate, waiting out the darkness, reminding myself that depression lies and that it’s a medical condition that I never asked for, quietly battling with tiny demons in my head…until it suddenly passes and the drugs kick in or the seratonin settles or the demons get bored and then HALLELUJAH I’m alive again and things are good and I remind myself that this, this, THIS is real and this is worth waiting for each time.

One day I know that they’ll will find a cure for whatever it is in my head that randomly and unexpectedly clouds things up and makes life turn into a pale, cardboard imitation. One day they’ll find a cure. A drug that works. A shot that makes the demons go away.

A remission.”

I love knowing that, because of The Bloggess, her friends and followers, I’ve found my tribe. For me it’s been 12 years since the bipolar diagnosis, and there are dark times when every day is a struggle to remember that the depression side lies.

Her openness about her flavors of crazy is why I choose to share what I’m going through. No one should go through this shit alone and it’s only by being honest with ourselves (and others) that we find out that we really aren’t alone in all of this.

——

Now, to offset the seriousness…

You know you’re reading too much PWP fanfiction, when the label on the bottle of butter flavoured popcorn TOPPING oil makes you giggle for about 20 minutes.

Topping.

Seriously.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Monday, October 21, 2013

I need someone to brit-pick my damn blog!

The tube station is Tower HILL. TOWER HILL. Not Tower Bridge.

Dumbass.

Spent a good chunk of yesterday with a massive sinus headache. Couldn’t knit because of the hole in my finger, decided not to read fan fic because all it did was make me want to write more, couldn’t read an actual book because I couldn’t focus on the plot, couldn’t even really focus on the TV.

SO. FUCKING. BORED.

About the only useful thing I did was skim a London tour book I had looking for creepy spots to place bodies. I found quite a few.

It’s really a shame that we’re not going to London before NaNo, because I’d really like to check out the body dump sites for myself.

(HI, US GOVERNMENT! Now that you’re done being children and have time to get back to more important things, are you loving my google searches on writing gay sex, the differences between a .9MM handgun and a .38, blood spatter, knives, serial killers and best places to dump a body in London yet? You’ll notice, too, that I’ve been googling ways to leave the country. I’m sure you’ll put two and two together and get seven, but I wouldn’t expect any less of you morons.)

——

side note: tumblr claims ‘Merlin’ is more homoerotic than ‘Sherlock’. With lines like “You’re not going to put it in my mouth!” “I am, and you’re going to swallow!” I can see why.

——

Speaking of leaving the country… woke up this morning excited to continue my UK job search. I’m also going to look into UK colleges/universities and research MBA programs today.

I have a friend on FB (a guy I knew during my entire journey through the Manchester public school system, but that’s really as far as it went) who is fascinated by my expat-ing progress. (Yeah. I made a word. Deal with it.) I’ve been discussing it with him pretty in-depth and it’s kind of cool to be able to have those discussions with him.

But I don’t bring that up to talk about becoming an expat, because really, it’s all right there in the first sentence of this section. I bring it up because out of my 91 (92 once I add N’s wife) friends on FB, most of them are people I was - at best - acquaintances with. Now through the magic of the internet and bipolar meds, I’m able to form lasting relationships. REAL friendships. I keep my FB friends under 100 on purpose. If you make the cut, it means you’re really important to me. (Aaaaaawwwwww! Schmoop!)

I think it’s Facebook’s only real value to me right now because I’m losing interest in being on the site all day every day. (Proof that I’m ready to rejoin the living and get out of this depression?)

——

While we’re talking schmoop, I had some pretty intense Marlas dreams last night. Nothing but fluff… lots of fluff. Couch cuddles and top of head kisses. Bears polar and the seven dwarfs. Sitting around the portacabin making fun of Carolyn. Playing charades with Arthur (even though we all know that’s a TERRIBLE idea.) Just being cute.

Dog, I miss them. A lot.

I really had no idea how much I missed them until they were gone.

I don’t want to waste all that time I’ve spent doing the research for the casefic, but I’m really leaning towards doing the 30 Day OTP Challenge for NaNo.

Anything to spend more time with my boys…