Friday, May 03, 2013

I legit love this fandom

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Moffat wrote that episode. I almost love him for that.

*shakes fist*

I just watched “The Good Night” because it has Martin in it. The man has the most expressive face I’ve ever seen… and I will never understand his love of cable knit jumpers. I was only half paying attention to the movie because I was on the phone with my pimp, Jim. (Dog, I have pimps and drug dealers in my life. I really should start calling people what they are, shouldn’t I? But calling people recruiters and psychiatric nurse practitioners who specialize in psych meds is SO boring.)

Where was I?

Oh, right. Jumpers. As far as I can tell, he wears two. Exactly the same, except one is a sage green and the other is oatmeal.

A fucking OATMEAL jumper. I’d bet it’s the same exact one he wears in Sherlock.

The man is insane.

——

This wasn’t meant to be a post about Martin Freeman. Or Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones… even though I could go on about those FOREVER. And that voice… pure sex. Fringy-Sideburny-Gingerbatch is definitely hot. GAH. I need to stop before I start a Sherlock marathon and completely lose my mind.

(I’m finally watching “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” and OMG he is amazing. I’m freaking out over here. Totally disgusting fangirling.)

——

So, let’s get to the point, shall we?

I’ve found two international companies worth working for and one with the potential to go global. One of them I actually have a connection at - but I’m probably really not qualified for it. I can’t see that person going out on a limb for me. Plus, it’s in Amsterdam. I don’t have a problem with Amsterdam - besides the fact that I keep spelling it wrong - but why would a company take a risk on moving someone who is definitely not qualified overseas?

I’m a little amazed that I don’t really care that I’m unemployed right now. Such a weird change from the last time… but after everything they had put me through, it was heart breaking to be let go so coldly. Other than the recruiter, I haven’t done much in the way of looking. I decided to take these last two days off. It’s my mother’s birthday today, dad’s anniversary was Monday, and we went through so much shit with Guinness over the weekend that I just needed a break from the drama. 

I’m still not experienced enough for some of the accounting jobs I want and that is upsetting, but I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I can magically learn about STAT or IFRS, or ERP systems, or Great Plains, or even earn a MBA or CPA overnight…

I’m second guessing myself about not applying for the job at Sig. It’s everything I want in a job and absolutely NOTHING I want in a company. (I mean, come on. Even at my most manic, reckless, stupid moments, I can NOT forget about this. Or my experience.)

I wish I could separate the two. You have no idea how badly I want to be able to separate the two. 

Fucking morals…

Thursday, May 02, 2013

You lose.

Aw… smiley Star Trekbatch. The ONLY reason I’m going to sit through the new Star Trek movie…

My friend, K, posts lots of parenting stuff on Facebook and one of today’s topics was about helicopter parents. The moral of the story is to leave your kids alone and let them fail.

I had to comment on the post - it was too perfect to pass up. “Judging from the number of times my father uttered the phrase, “We’re playing a game and it’s called ‘You Lose’.”, my younger years were FULL of fail.”

That, of course, got me thinking about all the failing I did.  And holy shit. My younger years being chock full o’ fail really isn’t an exaggeration. Not at all.

I said a couple of days ago that I went back through all my old journals. It’s all there in black (blue, purple, red, green, even pink) and white. In journals covered with stickers of local indie bands. In journals covered with headlines and snarky comments carefully cut out of magazines. In journals filled with ticket stubs, crappy drawings, and crappier story ideas. In journals filled with enormously impossible amounts of teenaged angst. In journals that show a clear progression of love, loss, hatred, more hatred, mania, depression, and some - but not a lot - of healing.

I’m not going to go into the details of what I’d like to call my ‘greatest hits’, but trust me. If I were a musician, they’d fill a 10 CD box set. At the very least.

The last time I saw my father alive, he said everything I ever needed to hear. He let me know, rather vaguely, that there were times when I actually won the game of “You Lose” because I learned my lessons. Maybe we had to play the same round several times (might have had something to do with my small addiction to ‘bad boys’... yeah. definitely did.), but the lessons were eventually learned.

If I ever lost my mind and decided to have kids, I know I’d be playing “You Lose” with them as well.

Is it the best way to parent? Probably not…

But I can guarantee you, it teaches kids a LOT about the real world.

I love Kim Rhodes. Like REALLY love her.

I have recently become aware of a weird cultural war going on between those who have children and those who choose not to. For some reason, individuals in the former camp are making it their mission to convert those in the latter. “Have children!” they are championing. “It’s the best decision you can make! You’re selfish if you don’t! It will complete your life! HAVE A FUCKING KID!” I am here to tell you, don’t have a child if you don’t want a child. Don’t. It will destroy you as you know you, and if you don’t want one, the sacrifice won’t be worth it.

While most of the SPN cast I’ve met at cons are the sweetest people ever, I’ve never met anyone like Kim. She’s just awesome. Overly awesome. (And she needs to come back to the show!!!!!)

If you don’t read her blog, you really don’t know what you’re missing. This is probably my favorite blog entry of hers - and I’ve loved lots of them - because she says exactly what I’m thinking about this “culture war”.

I’ve been more open about the bipolar than I’ve ever been about getting my tubes tied, the decision NOT to have kids, and basically, my complete and utter disdain for most children. Some break through, like L, but for the most part, kids skeeve me out.

I don’t have whatever IT is that makes other people go “OH! BABY!” If I go “OH! BABY!” then you’ll know I’m drunk off my ass.

And, of course, the likelihood of that ever happening is zilch.

So, yeah, babies: bad. My crush on Kim Rhodes: out of control.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

One big step and you’re back!

Where to start?

We brought Guinness home - finally - and he continued to go after Apache, to the point where we were seriously thinking about selling him.

Then, we discovered the problem: J. They’re both “his” dogs and there was some reminding Apache of just who was in charge here. Gotta love the (non-existent) battle for superiority.

We’re working on creating a truce. It will take time… but we’ve agreed he’s worth it.

Fucking dogs.

Then, I started having bad weeks at work. BAD weeks. And I JUST started. It didn’t bode well for the future, but I thought in time, it would get better.

That place was twelve flavors of crazy more than I thought it would be…and that’s a LOT of crazy. A LOT.

I made the decision on Sunday to start looking for a new job and they beat me to the punch.

I suddenly find myself unemployed. Again.

Life will go on. It always does… and for once, I’m not crushed to be jobless.

I know I’ll find something.

Monday, April 29, 2013

And then it was twelve

I still vividly remember April 30th, 2001 like it was yesterday.

In many ways, it was.

But, it’s not.

It’s been twelve years… twelve long, painful, lonely years…

It doesn’t get easier, even though I know it should.

Time heals all wounds and shit like that.