I’ve never been so ashamed

I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve been profoundly depressed since the coup began and things are getting worse.

trump seems to think he can delete a whole bunch of people by forcing a gender binary on them. People are misgendering trans people on the daily and calling them by their dead names. Calling transwomen men.

It makes me sick to think that a Maine politician doxxed a trans teenager and became a maga darling, while the Governor is fighting for ALL of her citizens. mr. trump seems to think that his executive orders are the law. Gov. Mills was correct in saying that she follows FEDERAL LAW which is something that an executive order cannot override. But, you know, he doesn’t need to abide by the laws of this country because he’s the king or some shit. (btw, that article is unlocked if you care to read it.)

As someone who has struggled with being a cis female at various points in my life, this… is devastating to me.

However, I guess there’s a little bit of a silver lining for me? Everyone’s so concerned about ‘men’ playing women’s sports, they’re not paying attention to the women playing men’s sports. Dude, gender is not defined by what’s in between your legs. Gender is a societal framework that puts you in a pink box or a blue box. By reducing a transwoman to what equipment they were born with / gender assigned at birth, they’re completely missing the point. Most transwomen just want to be left alone to live their lives in the pink box, just like I want to be left alone to live my life in the blue one. (I guess mine is sort of purple since I’m a tomboy / butch?) It’s the CIS MEN who are the problem.

Just look at our felon-in-chief. He said that he liked to grab women by the pussies. I’d rather share a bathroom with a transwoman than that fine piece of work. At least that way, I know I’d be safe.

Remember man vs bear? I’d take my chances with a bear any. fucking. day.

For the record - I narrowly escaped being raped in high school by a member of the wrestling team. I was raped by a guy I thought was a friend in college. #metoo isn’t just some hashtag.

Do you know I carried pepper spray AND a personal alarm when I ran laps around a track at a public park last year? Even when it was crowded? I prefer treadmills for various reasons, but it was moving into the apartment that made me quit running. I just don’t feel safe. Maybe part of that is Florida - I was never this paranoid in New England. It’s hard to say, but I’ll find out soon.

So, yeah. I’m conflicted about that.

Add to that the whole putin’s bitch attacking Zelenskyy during a televised conference.

I. Have. FEELINGS.

I don’t have the words, however.

Yeah, the girl who writes non-stop, doesn’t have the fucking words to describe how shitty the current administration has made her feel in roughly a month.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and pretending I’m OK, when all I want to do is hide in my apartment and cry.

Speaking of - I HAVE RESERVED A MOVING TRUCK!  I leave this cesspool of a state in May.

I cannot fucking wait to be out of here - both the apartment and the state.

So. Can I order my handmaid’s uniform on Amazon?

The last time I couldn’t look away from the computer at work, the last time I cried at my desk, was January 6th.

I had hoped those days were behind me… but nope.

Welcome to Trump’s America, where the damage done is long lasting and probably won’t be repaired in my lifetime.

Моя маленька незалежність...

As I’m doing my quick run through of Facebook, I stumbled upon a video of Святослав Вакарчук (lead singer of Океан Ельзи (Okean Elzy) - probably Ukraine’s biggest rock band.) just jamming out on a piano in front of the Lviv train station.

Taken out of the context of the war, that would be the coolest thing to stumble upon.

The set list was awesome. It’s interesting how, when put together, it’s very obvious the message Slava was sharing with the crowd. Oddly enough, it was all songs that I love that have a special meaning to me. The majority of them I’ve used as anthems as a sort, too, while fighting with the worst of the bipolar. (I’ve cut and pasted my favourite lyrics thanks to Lyrics Translate - any mistakes cutting and pasting the Ukrainian are mine. Any English errors are not.)

1) Без бою (Without a fight) - Я не здамся без бою (I won’t give up without a fight)

2) Еверест (Everest) - Шум і тисяч їхніх слів, часом приносить біль. / Та дощ із хмари темних стріл не потрапляє в ціль. / І ми продовжуєм нести свій прапор, а не хрест. / Ми продовжуєм іти на власний Еверест. (Noise and thousands of their words, sometimes brings pain. / But the rain from the cloud of dark arrows doesn’t hit the target. / And we continue to carry our banner, but not our cross. / We continue to walk on our own Everest.)

3) На небі (In the sky or In heaven) - А часом / Коли я сам не свій / І в голові дивні думки / І на душі сумно... (Once in a while, I feel so blue / So many thoughts rush through my head / And in my heart sorrow)

4) Не питай (Don’t ask)- Не питай / Де я був коли тобі було так солодко / Де я був коли тебе таку незайману / Підіймали вище неба / Тільки сам на сам / Хіба не там (Don´t ask / Where was I, while you felt so sweet, / Where was I, while you, so untouched, / Were raised higher than heaven.)

5) Не твоя війна (Not Your War) - Бій на світанні. Сонце і дим. / Мало хто знає, що ж буде з ним. (Battle at dawn. Sun and smoke. / Few know how it will end.)

6) Місто весни (City of Springtime) - Бентежне століття загоює рани / Ще до повноліття тут всі ветерани (A turbulent century is healing its wounds / Even before coming of age, everyone here is a veteran)

7) Обійми (Hug Me) - Коли настане день, / Закінчиться війна (The moment the day comes / This war will be over)

8) Все буде добре (Everything will be OK) - І все буде добре / Для кожного з нас. / І все буде добре, / Настане наш час.(Everything will be all right / For everyone of us / Everything will be all right / Our time will come)

As is the norm lately, too much in my head. Too much I won’t write about here.

The balance between blogging publicly and keeping certain things private is never ending…

You’re gonna need electoral approval and you don’t have the votes

There’s so much I want to say, but I’m too busy crying tears of joy.

I will share this story, though.

The other day at work, I was telling a coworker of mine that I wished I could live somewhere in Europe, or Ukraine, because I have too many days when I hate my country.

He couldn’t understand why I would say that.

Well.

On Monday, I’m going to point to that map and tell him, “THAT’S why I hate this fucking country. This race shouldn’t have been this close.”

HALF THE FUCKING COUNTRY JUST SHOWED ITS TRUE COLOUR… and it’s white, white, white.

I’ve managed to burn myself out way past the point of burn out and I didn’t even think that was possible.

And yet, I’m still bringing work home. Still spending weekends in front of the computer.

I “clocked out” early today. I did the one big project I wanted to do and then that was it.

I’ll be back at it tomorrow, but tonight, we celebrate.

1984 was set 36 years too early

I can’t believe the country is split in the way it is. There is no middle ground. Not any more…

I’ve been trying to stay out of political conversations - ESPECIALLY at work, where they lean a little more conservative - but tend to fail.

I basically threw a co-worker out of my office today because she wouldn’t shut up about Pelosi.

I’d be OK with her speaking her opinion if everything she said wasn’t a direct quote from Fox News or Trump commercials, but…

I’m just so over Trump and his fucking joke of a presidency.

Could we please end 2020 on a good note by preparing to inaugurate Biden?

Please?