I’ve not felt well since Friday, when I walked away from an offer and passed up a third interview.
The self-doubt was paralysing.
Apparently, it was something I should have listened to.
I didn’t even get a second interview at the restaurant… which was the entire reason I walked away from everything else.
So, yeah. Migraines and misery. The stress wasn’t bad enough as it was, so the bipolar cranked it up to eleventy billion.
And now my brain feels like it’s about to crawl out of my eyeballs, noise hurts, food is just a bad idea, and even brushing my hair caused unbearable agony.
I’m absolutely miserable.
I hate myself for walking away.
I hate myself for letting my hope get out of control.
I hate myself for yet another bad employment related decision.
——
But just when I thought I really wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground, I got this comment on “PARIS”...
*stifled whimpers* agh *shattering noise* b-but *sobbing* THERE WAS SPOONING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rolling on the ground in agony* *clutches knees to chest* FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXX THEMMMMMMMM MARTIN YOU IDIOT AND DOUGLAS FUCKING SAY YOU DONT WANT A ONE NIGHT STAND GOD DAMMIT GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES
... i liked it
And then, I got this one:
Please tell me this isn’t how it ends! :( I can’t bear it. Why can’t they just get it together? This is just not fair.
A little background since you’re probably not reading it - Martin’s crushing on Douglas. Douglas is crushing on Martin. They decide to sleep together in the same bed. (Just sleep, no sex. I am TERRIBLE at M/M sex scenes. Really terrible.) That does wind up with a little bit of Douglas kissing Martin and then Martin freaks out and pulls away. Then he initiates a kiss, and Douglas pulls away. Martin assumes that all Douglas wants is a one night stand… which couldn’t be farther from the truth. At any rate, the chapter ends with Douglas throwing Martin out of his bed and the two end up heartbroken and in their own beds. There may or may not be a little crying going on.
It’s a real downer of an ending. It’s terrible and I am so sorry that that’s the way it went, but…
Basically, at this point, it’s all dictation. The boys ignored the arc of the trilogy. They definitely wanted to stretch out the tale of their relationship (remember when it bloated to five parts?) and it was hard to reel them back in. So, this happened.
I’ve been getting comments on the Johnlock and “HARTFORD” on how sweet and fluffy they are, and then I write this heartbreaking shit.
I’m amazed with the way I pulled it off and I’m more amazed at the reactions I received.
I knew that I was doing something right when I got that first comment. I really knew I was doing something very right when I got the second. To know that my writing that has that much power… it’s humbling and exciting.
I highly doubt I’ll ever publish a book like I wanted to when I was younger - and, really, I don’t even want to try any more - but publishing little crappy bits of fan fiction is fulfilling enough.
It really is.
And I’m just going to focus on the fact that I do have talent and that people like what I spent months on. That the four (five?) different drafts were worth it. That the extra hours of editing BEFORE I click post are worth it…
Thank you, one and all, who kudo, comment and simply stop by to read.
You certainly made the lingering ick of the last few days bearable.
Now, if I could only get rid of this fucking migraine.
It seems so weird to me that two of my most favourite people in the world share a birthday, but maybe it shouldn’t.
I’ve known them both for just about the same amount of time, but I’ve only met one of them in person.
That situation really needs to rectify itself.
BEFORE I move across the ocean and live near the one I’ve already met.
I’m just sayin’ that there are plenty of haunted spots in New England that are worthy of exploration…
At any rate, I’m lucky that they exist. (And that they share the same birthday so it’s easier to remember.)
——
I’ve been more active on AO3 lately, trying to take the edge off the boredom and make some new friends… it’s paying off in terms of exposure. In the past week, my Johnlock has gotten about 50 - 100 new hits.
My favourite Buckeye fan: You know I love ya, ya crazy ass
Me: I think you meant to say crazy assHOLE. Wouldn’t want people to think I’m going soft in my old age.
Me: There’s a dick joke in there somewhere.
My favourite Buckeye fan: There’s always a dick joke in there somewhere ha ha
Me: Seeing how I’ve been writing pr0n all day, it’s more like there’s always a dick somewhere!
Me: Rule # 4 of NaNo: When in doubt, write pr0n.
Me: Susie sat on the edge of the bed and licked her lips when Johnny pulled out his ding dong. “Oh, baby, I want that in my mouth.”
Me: He pulled the chocolatey treat out of its wrapper and gently placed it in her mouth. “Oh, baby, that tastes so good!” Ed. note: this was supposed to refer to the yummy Hostess Ding Dong.
Me: What? Food pr0n is still pr0n. LMAO.
Me: So, when I told my personal trainer about the food pr0n, she thought I was referring to a black guy. EVEN BETTER!
Yup. I’ve officially lost my mind. How many days left? *grin*
I’m so going to hell… according to a number of sources.
i could happily be a mary sue in a ten fan fic… oh yeah
Speaking of fan fic:
One of the unspoken ‘rules’ of NaNoWriMo is “When in doubt, write pr0n.”
You would think that with the amount of boy/boy pr0n I read (and yes, I do read a little Sherlolly from time to time as a palate cleanser), I would be able to write it.
Um, NO. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO. I cannot write boy on boy for the life of me.
I suck so hard at it that it’s not even funny. It’s quite painful, really.
(Take that sentence as you may…)
——
OK. So.
I turned down an offer today from what essentially became my second choice. I really feel like I need to wait for the other company to invite me back for a second interview. This is now the second company I’ve walked away from this week. I’m not going to make a whole lot of money at the temp job, but it should keep us afloat for a bit longer.
ARGH! This is so hard!!!!
This other company better be worth the wait…
——
According to the Church of Christ on Rt. 1, “Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil: No point.”
As a long time believer in alternate religions and periodically identifying as an agnostic, I have a huge problem with this. I like how my life has been marginalized and has apparently been wasted. I get that it’s a church sign and that they’re entitled to their point of view, but OUCH! I totally believe in their right to post what they want on their road sign, but on the flip side, I’m going to exercise my right to call them out on their douchebaggery.
I can’t believe the Great and Powerful Oz would actually ask his followers to belittle others’ beliefs. What happened to ‘judge not lest ye be judged’? Isn’t that their thing? Like the Wiccans have the Rule of Three? It’s just ridiculous that my life is written off / has no point because I don’t believe in their pre-packaged, sanitized for the masses, Dog.
i am not going to make it to january… *shakes fist at bbc*
I don’t even want to talk about how the BBC has the right to air Sherlock first, well in advance of the US air dates (on fucking PBS. PBS!) I’m definitely not going to talk about the lengths I’m going to go to watch it live in the UK. And I won’t even go into how UNBELIEVABLY pissed I am that they’re showing the first episode in a movie theater, and how that sold out like the second the tickets were available.
I swear to Dog, if one of those lucky assholes posts ANYTHING, I will hunt them down.
——
I withdrew myself from consideration for a position. When the girl called yesterday to have me interview for a third time, I told her, flat out, why it was a no. “But you sounded so interested in working here!” Yeah, well, that was Thursday. I’ve had almost a week to think about it.
I have no idea if I’m getting an offer from a different place, but if I do, I’m also going to “thanks, but no thanks” that one too.
I want a full time job. I NEED a full time job… but every time I’ve changed jobs, I’ve left one to jump into the new one without thinking about the consequences.
Needless to say, those consequences are hard to explain and they’re all over my resume.
I don’t want to be unhappy and looking within 30-60 days.
I don’t want to be bored and looking within a year.
I know where I want to be, and I’m hoping like hell that I at least get a second interview… in the mean time, I have a part time job with a CPA to keep me busy.
——
This is, without a doubt, one of the best things I have seen lately. It’s stuff like this that really made me fall in love with Matt Smith’s Doctor… he’s so perfectly manic and childlike.
Hashtags on kittens! They’ve all disappeared by 2014. A bizarre incident with a chicken put an end to them all…
