You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
September 04, 2023 ::
9:36 AM
I certainly don’t write for the money.
In case you were wondering, the 2012-2022 NHL CBA is 540 pages of the driest legalese to ever exist.
I don’t even know how I got a copy of it, other than the fact that I worked in the NHL. There’s no real reason for me to have it, but I’m glad I do.
I make no secret of the fact that I write a lot of M/M fan fiction or read a lot of it.
Seriously, my Kindle Unlimited account history bounces between horror and gay fiction. I tried joining two different book clubs… I figure life is hard enough; why suffer through a book club’s suggestions? Read a biography? Why? Nobody interests me that much.
Anyhoo… professional writers will say that you need to read a ton to be able to write better. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’ve always been a reader. Maybe that’s why I love to write. I write the stories I want to read. The ones that only exist in my head. Do I ever finish them? Rarely, but the writing is what’s important. Even if I have six WIPs right now, it feels good to write until I get bored with the plot or stuck because my characters don’t play nice.
Wow. That went in a completely different direction.
Let’s try this again:
I make no secret of the fact that I write a lot of M/M fan fiction or read a lot of it.
Seriously, my Kindle Unlimited account history bounces between horror and gay fiction. “Professional” writers will say that you need to read a ton to be able to write better.
So.
For whatever reason, there’s a TON of hockey romances being written. Gay fiction is not immune to this phenomenon, and well… I’m in the middle of a quest to read EVERY. SINGLE. BOOK. in this very specific sub-genre. (Sub-sub-genre? Whatever.)
Which brings me full circle to the CBA.
I hate world building. HATE IT. It’s the main reason I love fan fiction. Unless it’s an AU, there’s no reason for it.
Everyone who would read Harry Potter fan fic knows the stories, either from the movies or the books.
Everyone who would read Teen Wolf fan fic is probably familiar with the MTV show (not the 1980s movie. Oh, fuck, no.) - except for me. I had NO idea what I was getting into when I followed some random tag on AO3 and wound up reading Sciles. (YUK!). There was a deep dive into the show and yeah, I did it ass backwards, but I quickly fell in love with Sterek, Steter, Stetopher. (OK. So I’m obsessed with Stiles. What about it?)
Taking Harry Potter out of Hogwarts and putting him in a non-magical, hockey, universe seems relatively simple. He and Draco are on separate teams, they hook up over the All-Star break, then they hook up every time they play each other… smexy times happen, and then they wind up on the same team, and not so smexy stuff happens before the guaranteed HEA.
Except.
I can’t write the same sort of hockey fic the others write - where they gloss over the world because people have a basic understanding of pro sports. Some of them write beautiful descriptions of the game, but leave out everything and anything that helps show the true behind the scenes life of a hockey team.
I’ve worked in Community Relations, worked on the arena management side, and worked in an accounting department for both an arena and a team.
I understand entry level contracts and the salary cap. I understand the fear of being traded after making a city your home. I understand the pressure of winning a Cup.
I understand players and the game in a way that the other authors don’t.
And it’s leading me to get bogged down in world building.
I know it’s worth it, because it’s what I feel is missing every time I read one of the hockey books. (See? I write what I want to read.)
I’ve got team names, mascots, schedules, QMJHL / OHL teams, prep schools and colleges… I’m working on the NHL Draft and teammates right now.
I’ve got Harry being from Roxbury, a sort of rough Boston suburb. He’s poor, living with the Dursley’s and generally looking to escape - just like the ‘real’ Harry. Draco, on the other hand, is rich and privileged, and also looking to escape.
It’s important to me that people know how the Draft actually works and what an entry level contract looks like. What being bounced between the minors and the NHL looks like because that’s Harry’s path through the world of the NHL. A lot of those things will inform his decisions and make him the person he becomes. (Much like learning magic and facing down Voldemort every year forced him to become Harry Potter, the Savior of the Wizarding World.)
Writing something this detailed is so outside my comfort zone that I’m actually kind of enjoying it. I do need to plot the fuck out of it, though. Otherwise, nothing would make sense and I’m writing the same kind of ‘they meet, fall in love, become afraid to come out, love conquers all’ bulllshit I’m currently reading. (Yeah. I said bullshit. I’m trying to find that unicorn in all the gay hockey fiction… but we all know unicorns don’t exist. Won’t stop me from reading every single book, though.)
I’m also fighting the point of view issue.
In one of my HP fan fic groups, there was a HUGE discussion over POV in fics. Apparently, they have to be 3rd person limited since that’s how JKR wrote the story. (Fun fact, the first chapter of the first book - Philosopher’s Stone, thank you very much - is actually 3rd person omniscient; it’s a quick and dirty bit of world building, but as effective as anything I’ve ever come across.)
I like writing in 1st person, 3rd person omniscient when the mood strikes, but I can’t figure out how to tell this particular story. Do I write it strictly from Harry’s POV? Do I sprinkle in a little Malfoy? Does Harry tell his story in his own words or is it told from a distance?
I’m leaning towards 3rd person limited, because reasons, but it feels too limited to me. (HA!!!!)
I don’t know.
I sat down to write this entry thinking it would help me figure shit out, but now I’m more unsettled than before.
Oh well.
Maybe I’ll work on some Ukrainian stuff and maybe the website I started like a month ago and let this stuff get worked through subconsciously?
You can force the girl out of hockey, but you can’t take the hockey from the girl
Oh.
My.
God.
What have I just done?!?
So a little while ago, I had posted that I was going to write a piece of original fiction (het, no less!) in response to all the hockey books I’ve been reading.
The fact that my female MC is aro/ace has completely thrown me for a loop. I have no idea how to write her. At all.
I even purchased some books and joined some FB groups, hoping that would help.
Nope.
I’m more confused than ever.
Jump to last night - in one of my Drarry groups, a girl mentioned how she hated the words “entrance” and “member”, and wanted to know if we had any pet peeves / problems with certain words.
I said that I was OK with hole and entrance because, no matter where, it’s a receptacle and meant to receive. I have more issues with descriptions for the things being received. Like man (something) as in, “He poked his big man stick into her tiny tunnel.”
And that one sentence just… just… created all kinds of fucking chaos.
So, apparently, I’m now writing a Drarry hockey AU.
Marathon Weekend registration was this past Tuesday and apparently sold out in record time.
I was sitting in the neurologist’s office with my husband asking about options… but I’d already decided against trying Dopey again.
Right now, I don’t have the interest in running a marathon. 6 hours of running isn’t really what I want to do right now, and I doubt I’ll ever get fast enough to cut that time down.
So, I passed.
I did register for Wine & Dine, though. I think if I start training in earnest now, and maybe follow some of the Dopey / Wine & Dine rD training plans, I’ll be fine with the half marathon.
I need to redeem myself for the crappy runs I’ve had lately…
I have been pretty good about putting in some miles every day, though. They may not be quality miles, but they are miles.
I even started doing a lot of iFit workouts that are hilly or walking intervals, so I’m getting some variety in.
I’m doing the Space Coast South Half Marathon this Thanksgiving, and that should be fun. The South course has no time limit and I’m going for the experience - mostly because some of my favourite Dopeys are going.
I’m at peace with my decision, but I’m having massive FOMO this weekend (Springtime Surprise) because I love the medals and theming, but by the time I decided I wanted to do it, it was sold out.
- - - - - - - - - -
In other news, I’m writing my first original piece of fiction in a long time. (AND it’s het!!!! Yeah. I don’t know where that came from either.) It’s a wee bit autobiographical, but I got inspired by reading these absolutely terrible books about women who work for sports teams.
I’m four chapters in, and it’s getting there. It’s a totally shitty first draft. I mean, really shitty first draft, but it’s a nice break from throuples and soulmates and statutory rape. (Wow. I write the full spectrum, don’t I?)
- - - - - - - - - -
As if I don’t have enough hobbies I’m ignoring, I’ve decided to learn how to crochet.
So… that’s knitting, counted cross stitch, scrapbooking, sewing, photography, web design, and a few others that I have all this stuff for, but will probably do nothing with.
I should really do a photo dump here… I made a friend at the Ft Lauderdale half and the concerts have been amazing, but I don’t have the energy.
I know I should be scheduling Ukrainian lessons, but I don’t have the energy.
I know I should be doing… anything but I don’t have the energy.
I’m very obviously depressed, but having to watch a beloved family member deteriorate in front of your eyes will do that to you.
It turns out he tested negative for DM (but may be one of the 2% affected by it and doesn’t have the carrier gene for it), but it could be a spinal tumour or a herniated disk. It’s $5,000 for a doggy MRI… and then, he’d probably need surgery to fix either issue. He’s 12. I’m not putting him through all that… and as much as I love and will do anything for him, let’s be honest. It’s stupid to spend that much on him. It’s not going to increase his quality of life and I don’t want him to spend whatever time he has left dealing with the repercussions of those decisions.
We’ve got him on prednisone, but it’s a temporary fix.
We’ve bought some time, but I don’t know how much.
Well. I’ve spent way too much quality weekend time going through those in that blog post and some others.
We’re painting the room we call the Person Cave and we needed to figure out a way to maximise the closet space. Last weekend, he painted the closet white and installed shelves. I’ve been trying to reorganise 40+ years of crap.
I suppose it goes without saying that I’ve spent most of the last two weekends crying.
But… I’ve actually thrown away a lot of memorabilia. Like my parent’s honeymoon photos, my mother’s UCONN scrapbook, their wedding album, my baby book. One of my rules was that I would only keep it if it didn’t piss me off to look at it. So. No pictures of people I didn’t know. No pictures of places I’ve never been. No pictures of people who are dead to me. I kept a bunch of photos of my parents, back when they were young and in love, but only because my father looked so happy in them. The one thing he kept saying during our last conversation was that he wished I knew the woman he married. The woman she used to be. I look at those pictures and I see a strange woman laughing with my father and smiling at him. The only reason I know who she is is because I look like her, and well… historical context. I mean, as far as I know, my father only married once. And if it’s not my mother in those photos than the people I’ve always thought of as my grandparents are… not.
It’s all a bit of a head fuck, to be honest.
Today’s unexpected memory landmine was a bunch of stuff from the UCONN Mens’ Ice Hockey coach, Coach Marshall. He was such a good guy and it showed in the post it notes stuck to every single ticket he left at the door for me, the random letters he’d send me as part of the fundraising bullshit he had to do, the letter of recommendation he wrote for me. And at some point, past me decided it would be a good idea to keep the booklet from his memorial service with all that. Fuck. I’m crying just thinking about all of it. When it came to getting a job in hockey, he was my number one cheerleader. I owe that man so much. And he’s gone.
Yeah.
So… it’s been a bit of a tough day for me.
Let’s end this on a happy note, yeah?
This may very well be my favourite lyric of any song ever (well, as of right now):
Нині не льотна погода
Сказала мені, шоби я
Літав собі голий по хаті,
Показував дулі з вікна.
На мене багато хто скаже,
Шо я тіпа з боку смішний,
А той, хто багато говорить,
По-моєму трохи дурний.
Roughly translates to: The weather is bad today. I’m walking around the house naked, showing my bits from the window. People say I look funny, but I think people who talk too much are dumb.
Seeing how it’s been fucking raining since Thursday, I thought it fitting.
I’m running out of icons and pretty colours on my little sidebar.
I’ve decided to scrap the third draft and start over again…
Welcome to draft 4, which is already filled with random notes like this one.
TBH, I don’t know which one of us was completely shitty when that was written, but my money’s on me. Beka seems like he’d be straight-edge. (When he’s not statutory raping a fucking 15 year old, that is. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, BEKA.)
Yeah.
So much shit on my mind and instead, I’m tearing apart a story that I’ve already written three drafts of to play with new point of views and - hopefully - get them to keep it in their pants. I DO NOT WRITE KIDDY PORN, GODDAMNIT.
At this rate, I’m going to have to age them up… and I hate that. I like AUs, but that’s totally not the story I wanted to tell.
Yearning. Slow burn. A love story spread over three years.
That’s the story I want to tell.
And the one I am completely incapable of telling.
Oh well. The 4th time’s the charm, right?
- - - - - - - - - -
I’m trying to keep myself distracted.
The pending war in Ukraine. The new job. Life in general.
I’m a big ball of stress right now.
So, of course, the Sims released a new game pack today.
By all accounts, it is buggy as fuck, even despite being held back by a week. (And wasn’t that a week - the short version is, EA self-censored and refused to release the game in Russia. All hell broke loose. EA backed off and held the release a week to ensure that the game would launch globally at the same time. A whole lot of stupidity ensued.)
Still bought it. Haven’t even bothered playing yet.
I probably won’t get a chance until the weekend.
Maybe EA will patch it by then. (Or not. We still have bugs in the game that are several years old and well known by everybody. Like, there’s no way the SimGurus don’t know about them. Why they aren’t being fixed is anyone’s guess at this point.)
Also not helping is the fact that the 2023 NHL All Star game is being held in my backyard. At that place. That I used to work at. Before I got fired for being bipolar.
I’m torn between wanting to go and staying home. I don’t know which option is healthier.
I’m just glad that life is starting to become closer to normal again… I have a half marathon towards the end of March and I just signed up to run a 5K in early March. I have a Boombox concert to go to, and I might head to Universal on my birthday to see Gavin DeGraw.
