Whale watch with the little brother, 24th August
Life’s still fucked up.
I can’t shake this depression - everything seems to be a trigger lately: work, home, fucking breathing.
It’s hard to explain to someone what it’s like if they’ve never experienced it, and I don’t have anyone that I can talk to. Don’t have anyone I feel I can burden with this. Bipolar blows chunks on a good day. During a drawn-out depression cycle? There are no words to describe the level of suck. There is no ‘embracing the suck’ to be found here… Not anymore. I can’t.
Let’s just say I’ve been seriously pondering going on disability… It’s exhausting to try and keep my shit together at work. But I HATE the idea of giving in. To taking payments from the government just because I can’t adult at work. I don’t want to look for a new job because the pattern will start again. It always does.
Of course, speaking of the government, I can’t receive Social Security payments if I live in Ukraine. I pay into a system - against my will, I might add - and I can’t even reap the benefits if I decide that I don’t want to live here anymore. (Ukraine is one of a handful of countries the US won’t send payments to. I don’t understand why.)
So. Our trip to Ukraine is in 50+ days and I’m getting nervous that I won’t be able to speak well enough. I still have a terrible accent. I still struggle to memorise the vocabulary and grammar. I’m panicking. However, all that aside, if I like Lviv like I like London and Boston, I’m thinking that maybe we can move there. London will probably never happen. It’s hard enough to get a visa and now that I can’t hold a job? There’s no way that we can afford to move to a place where the exchange rate is $1.30 to £1. The current exchange rate for the hryvnia is $0.38 to 1 UAH.
I’m also thinking about taking an online course to teach English as a second language. I could do that online or I could do that in Ukraine. It’d be nice to have a job where I can set my own hours. Where I can work when my mood is OK and I don’t have to worry about losing my shit at the day job.
I don’t know…
I’m going to be starting a bullet journal tomorrow. I’m going to use it to track my moods and use it as a to-do list and all that good shit. I’ve wanted to start crafting again, so this is probably a good way to do it. There was a funny thread on one of the Facebook groups when someone said they shouldn’t have googled “Bullet Journal” using the abbreviation “BJ”... BuJo is the preferred version. I think BuJo sounds ridiculous, but I’m definitely not going to call it a BJ.
I’ve started to read Harry Potter in Ukrainian - and really focus on it. I’m writing down the words I don’t know in a special notebook, and there are a lot of them. I don’t care, though. Two paragraphs, or two pages, it’s the fact that I’m doing it that matters, not the quantity. I’m also working on translating “IBY”. It’s slow going, but it’s going. AND I’m still writing fan fic. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be able to walk away from Harry Potter… I’m pretty sure there are worse things to be addicted to.
BU Hockey starts in a few weeks. I’m not that excited for this season. Every year I think it’s going to be our last as season ticket holders, and every year, I renew. Right now, I can’t look forward to squat. Hopefully, I can shake the depression before the season starts. Otherwise, it’s going to be a long few months.
Oh well… I’ve got nothing of value to say other than I’m here. I’m alive.
I’m just… struggling.
I know people mean well, but telling me I should learn Russian because it’s same as Ukrainian / Ukrainians don’t actually speak Ukrainian / Ukrainian is a made up language - a Slavic Esperanto (????) can truly go fuck themselves.
I am Ukrainian. I will learn Ukrainian.
And, I’m actually doing quite well. There’s been a huge time and financial commitment to it, but it’s starting to pay off in dividends. My memory sucks thanks to one of my bipolar meds. (I suppose that after being stable for so many years it’s about time for some side effects.) I’ve been working on different memory techniques and some of them seem to be working. I think the most major thing I’ve done is to focus solely on five days a week with the one tutor. She’s great to work with, never rushes anything, and doesn’t confuse me with random vocabulary and grammar rules.
If anything, I’m the one confusing her. Today’s un-translateable phrase: Ride it out. As in, I’m in a bitch of a depression and there’s nothing I can do except ride it out.
Oh yeah. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
I’m sick of finding jobs that are perfect on the surface and total shit once the honeymoon period wears off.
The woman that took the job I should have been promoted to has done nothing but spend money. Her boss constantly tells the rest of us that’s there’s no money left to spend in the budget, but she can bring on an extra body to do the stuff she can’t be bothered to do (STUFF SHE WAS HIRED TO DO), bring in a super expensive IT consultant who has done nothing but fuck up both individual computers and the company network infrastructure as a whole, AND now, she’s decided to wage a war on paper and bring in this super ridiculous paperless system thing. But, you know, there’s no money in the budget for things that are actually NECESSARY.
And let’s talk about that extra body, shall we? I. Am. Fucking. Bored. To. Tears. I don’t have enough work to keep me busy and despite asking / begging for more responsibilities, THEY HIRED SOMEONE TO DO THINGS I COULD, I WOULD, AND I SHOULD BE DOING.
I ended up taking today off because I crashed so fucking hard, I didn’t think I could handle going into work. Seriously. There was no way I could adult. I could barely get out of bed. I had my Ukrainian lesson and learned how to say fight through the depression and things like that, but after that? I was done. It’s been a long year and a half…
The paranoia that the extra person is in line to take what is rightfully mine has reached an all-time high. The anger that she’s there, doing things I could be doing / learning has also reached an all-time high. I want to punch her in the face every time I see her, every time I hear her voice. My heart has started acting up again. I’m back on my anti-anxiety meds. I’m completely miserable and I don’t know how to change things. I even sent an email flat out stating that I was taking over x, y, and z - but even those things can’t keep me that busy.
Me plus being bored is a recipe for disaster.
On the plus side, my Ukrainian translation of my Drarry fic is slow going, but at least there’s real measurable progress to be seen. Of course, I’ve been doing the bulk of that translation during working hours because I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO.
So. Yeah. At least there’s that.
Стіна, Для тебе, і Мить
Gearing up for a concert that I don’t yet have tickets for… but I have THREE alarms set on my phone so I don’t miss the presale.
That’s not obsessive, is it?
I just came back from a week in Phoenix and I AM DYING.
I went on this business trip with an extroverted co-worker and even though we had separate hotel rooms and were in separate classes, she was like this huge energy vampire whenever we were in each other’s company.
I got home well after midnight last night and was just so emotionally drained that there was no chance I would be functional today.
I’m pissed and disappointed, but judging by the amount of energy I’ve had today, I definitely wouldn’t have survived. I lost $75 if they won’t let me reschedule. I don’t mind losing it; it was for the best.
I also cancelled my trip to the Putnam Den to see Black Mountain Symphony.
In happier news - here’s a kick ass cover of Okean Elzy’s “In Heaven / In the Sky” (depending on the translator, I guess)