I find it wholesome to be alone in the greater part of the time. - Thoreau

I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. - also Thoreau

Hmmm… I haven’t read Walden and Civil Disobedience in forever. The fact that he’s top of mind today might mean it’s time for a reread. I mean, I still have my copy from high school. I’m surprised it’s held together this long.

 

The blue book in the background was an Xmas gift from the X, (Ha!) but I haven’t read it yet.

(Also, running around my head is R.E.M.‘s Finest Worksong, where we throw Thoreau and rearrange. Whatever that means. Michael, if you’re reading this, please explain yourself.)

Wow. THAT was the tangent to end all tangents. (Today at least.)

And now I’ve forgotten what…

Nope, I remember.

Can I just say what a bitch it is to start a company? Especially when you’re into tech and have a creative / marketing background? I spent a ton on software templates and social media posts in an effort to cut corners. The social media stuff may be well worth it and the two software tutorials / templates seem to be worth their money as well.

I spent last night branding the social media posts and building out the recommended schedule for them. I launch January 1st, so it’s coming up quick.

I just had a five day vacay from the day job and didn’t accomplish as much as I wanted to on the side hustle… but I also relaxed a lot. Burnout has been my constant companion for months and dealing with seasonal depression and obsessing about my move to Maine isn’t helping matters.

I have to work on day job stuff today because I don’t want to close November in January, but that’s a choice I’m making. Not the best one, but it’s a choice.

In the meantime, I’ll throw up a crappy home page with a link to my Calendly, Facebook, and Instagram pages. It’s at least something while I work on the back end.

Is it bad I’m buying shit from Amazon instead of leaving the house and going to Target just because I want the boxes? Yeah, it’s probably pretty bad…

In other news, I gave into the hype and saw Wicked. I broke much sooner than I did with Hamilton, and I’m just as disappointed. Hamilton’s soundtrack won me over, but I can’t say the same for Wicked’s. I don’t know why I can’t see these and obsess over them like my friends do. I want to love them that much, but they’re just… bleh.

So yeah, about that move.

I am constantly pissed off that I’m spending as much on a 700 sq ft apartment as I did on a 2K+ sq ft house. I can’t afford this on my salary, but none of the less expensive ones were as nice and after all their add ons (especially the cat charges), they were just as expensive. Florida real estate is stupid.

I can get decent houses in Maine for $100K - $200K. With a nice deposit, my mortgage will be more than reasonable. AND if I’m spending $2K a month on a place to live, I’d rather create equity than line some landlord’s pockets.

I’m moving in May / June and I will be working remotely with some support in Florida. At least that’s the plan. The boss already knows that I’m moving so it’s been discussed; he just doesn’t know the timeline. I’m saving that for after the holidays.

We’ll see.

Alright, I should stop stalling. The sooner I get the day job shit done, the sooner I can get back to doing nothing.

 

*poke* *poke*

wands up…

OK.

That only took three tries and a panicked email to an EE developer I know… but I finally managed to upgrade the backend of my little blog. Finally.

So…

Detroit.

That was a trip and a half. So glad I went!

For as much fun as I had, there were a lot of bad things, but let’s start with the good:

Shannon picking me up and giving me Faygo pop (It’s a Detroit thing.) and promising to leave both my kidneys. It is fun to get picked up at the airport by internet strangers!!!

Going to the Red Wings game with Heather. The Wings lost and it was a shit game, but I was pleased to see a lot of familiar names on the Rangers’ roster. It was nice to be at a pro hockey game again. I am finally healing. Not healed, it will still be a long time for that, but healing…

THE SPIRITED FISTING WALKING TOUR!!! There’s a very famous statue called the Spirit of Detroit and a random statue of a fist. So… yeah. A bunch of us got bored and went on a trek so that we could get fisted. (God, even my pocket friends are weird!)

I ended up walking the 1 mile and 5K with Heather. It was nice to have the company, but the walk itself was odd. Instead of combining both races, like they’ve done at every one 1/5 I’ve gone to, you had to do each race SEPARATELY. Two bibs and about two minutes to change them out, if you were as slow as we were. It was nice, though. I can’t remember the last time I did a race with a friend.

The half marathon was the best experience of my entire racing career. It was cold as fuck that morning and walking up the Ambassador Bridge will forever live on in my nightmares. I’m kind of disappointed I didn’t get pulled over by the Border Patrols, because that would have made it even better. The sunrise over Detroit, the views from the bridge, doing the world’s only underwater mile… it was definitely a once in a lifetime experience.

Then, like idiots, we went on a ghost tour. Because after doing a half (or in one case, a full) marathon, the one thing we should do is go on a walking ghost tour. It was horrible. Absolutely fucking horrible. I’ve been thinking about sending a review myself. The girl didn’t know any of the good stories and it was… you know it’s bad when the highlight of the entire tour is a ghost cow. (Don’t ask.)

As for the bad (?): I cried as we approached Detroit. Like I didn’t even know how badly I missed the fall foliage until I saw it.

I was so energized by the cold that it was sort of terrifying. I know I miss the cold, but I didn’t realize I missed it that much.

I didn’t wake up with a barometric pressure induced headache the entire time I was there. Not a single headache all weekend, which is really rare for me during Hurricane Season.

I had the uber driver from hell. He asked how much the trip cost me (a 5AM trip to the airport) and I stupidly told him $80. HE BITCHED THE ENTIRE TRIP THAT HE WASN’T GETTING PAID ENOUGH. Like, dude, that is not my fucking problem. I tipped him too well - and got charged twice for the damn thing - and decided, yeah, never taking an uber again. Once was enough.

And… not only was I miserable to get off the plane in Fort Lauderdale, MY CAR BATTERY DIED. I waited three hours for AAA to get there and replace it. The guy was great, though. We had a really inappropriate conversation (Titties and a stick shift? I LOVE YOU!), but the test he did on the battery answered a lot of questions I’d been having. I’m due for an oil change, and was going to wait until then. But, my luck is shit.

I didn’t have much company during the half, so I spent probably ten miles of it deep in my head.

I decided that I was moving sooner rather than later, but now that I’m back in my shitty Florida life, I’m not sure I can speed run the move home. There’s absolutely no reason to stay, but I’m also very loyal to my boss. The man is a saint and I don’t want to hurt him. I can probably manage my job remotely, but I don’t even want to say that to him yet. There’s stuff and things going on at the day job and I’m not sure the timing is right for my exit. My lease is up on 6/25 so I have some time to think about it.

Oh well, like I told my shrinky dink, I need to break the cycle of staying in Florida for men who treat me well. But it’s not that easy and it’s causing me a lot of mental turmoil. She thinks I should leave now, but… She also thinks I should move back to New Hampshire or Connecticut, but Maine is calling my name. And, yeah, I am looking at Presque Isle which is about as far north as I can get. Which would mean I’m “isolated” again and working remotely won’t make the “loneliness” better. But she doesn’t understand. I like being “isolated” and I’m not lonely. The big thing she’s missing is that Presque Isle is only like 6 hours from Boston. Will it suck to still be a decent distance from my friends? Yes. But I’d rather be a car ride away than have to deal with airports and that stupidity.

I don’t know. I still have a lot to think about and a ticket to Epic Universe on Labor Day. So, maybe I wait until the fall to move home - it depends on my lease. If I have to renew it for a year, I will, but I won’t be happy about it. I don’t like renting and I definitely don’t like this place. I’d rather see if I can do a six month lease.

I don’t know. There’s too much going on right now and I just need to take a step back and breathe.

Trump won the election. Four more years of hell on earth and that’s all I’m going to say on that.

Not again…

I aspire to this level of greatness

Can I tell you something?

I don’t have to buy two of everything any more!!!!

Want to see Matt Nathanson? Want to fly home and go to a Bruins game? Want to sit FIRST FUCKING CLASS?

When you are budgeting-obsessed and you realise that your budget is still built for two, and a mortgage, and a car loan… holy shit.

Once I revamped my budget to truly express my financial situation… wow.

For example, I’m going to Detroit to run the Freep International Half Marathon (traveling alone because someone didn’t want to go to Detroit.*ahem*). The airline offered me an upgrade to first class. It was just expensive enough that if I had to pay for two seat upgrades, there’d be no way. HOWEVER, since I only needed to purchase one? (Garçon, fetch me my Grey Poupon!)

Or, how about my trip home? I decided to take a little bit of my fuck you money and go home for my birthday. I have a very broad definition of home, so I’m flying in and out of Boston, going to Albany for two days, headed to Maine for two days, and watching a Bruins game. (We’ll talk about the B’s game in a moment.) When I decided I was going to get my live hockey on, I scoured the nosebleed seats trying to find a decent view at a price I was willing to pay - for two tickets. I only need to buy one, so I dropped what I would have spent on two completely shitty seats on one really nice one.

Or, I love Matt Nathanson, right? I would have had to buy two VIP packages to at least one show. (He’s playing in Fort Lauderdale and Orlando.) I bought two VIP packages any way - one for FTL and one for Orlando.

I FUCKING LOVE BEING COMPLETELY SELFISH.

Or, am I just enjoying the single life? I’ve spent so long trying to afford to keep us both happy with material possessions and experiences… I mean, I got a new car, he had to get a new car. Matching Mini Coopers, matching Jettas, matching Subarus (twice). It gets old. Vacations - needing to buy two plane tickets, having to plan a trip that makes sense and doesn’t have us ping-ponging all over New England for five days. (What? I can do what I want. He’s not the boss of me anymore.)

I’m really loving the freedom of it all.

That’s all.

So. About that Bruins game.

I’ve been avoiding the things that make me homesick for seven years. I’ve been avoiding all things hockey for six (to the best of my ability, of course).

Now that I know I’m heading home?

I’m embracing everything again.

Having an exit strategy is so freeing.

Where was I?

Boston. Hockey.

Focus.

I have decided that this is the year I go full-bore back into my hockey obsession.

Bruins? Of course.

College hockey? Oh, definitely.

UMaine season tickets are something I’m considering now that I’ve kind of zeroed in on a geographical area, and of course, I can’t forget my Huskies. UConn, not Northeastern.

Going to a hockey game is vastly different from watching one on TV. Duh.

And it is a pleasure that has been in lock-step with the worst pain of my life for so long.

Well, I’m ripping off the fucking band-aid.

I don’t have cable anymore, so I can watch whatever I want whenever I want and I don’t have to worry about stumbling on the Cats games / coverage / etc.

God bless ESPN+.

Now, if only those greedy fuckers at NESN would un-geo-lock their programming.

I will pay you fuckers for a year of Boston sports coverage.

Gladly.

Um… hi!

Tell me you’re in a manic cycle without telling me you’re in a manic cycle?

Yeah… it might be time to step away from the computer.

OK. I love you! Bye-bye!

DFL -> DNF

if people are scouring my search history, they should be very concerned

Two weekends, two races, two very different results.

Last weekend was a 10K and I was Dead Fucking Last. So far in the back that they left the timing mat down and one girl stood there with one solitary medal for me.

This weekend, I attempted a half marathon and Did Not Finish. In my defense, I really had to pee.

This race was two loops, so I passed the starting / finish line twice before looping back for the final crossing. This is important.

Well.

There was not a single port-a-pottie on the race course. NOT. A. SINGLE. ONE.

It wasn’t bad enough that I was so far in the back, they had pulled down the timing mat at the halfway point. I was so far back that the cops forced me onto the sidewalk (Which, thanks, Doral. You’ll be getting my bill from the ER for the broken ankle.) I was so far back that near the halfway point, all the water stations within three miles were poofed. I was so far back that the cops were gone after I turned back for the final five miles.

I was so far back that I decided to pee instead of crossing the finish line.

Hear me out.

When I got to the finish line with three miles still to go, the clock read 3 hours and they were starting to tear it down. I finish in 4 right now.

Near the finish line is the one and only public restroom on the entire course.

My choices were absolutely ridiculous:

1) pee my pants, finish in four hours, but not cross the timing mat (DNF)

2) step off the course, take my pee, finish in 4:15, but not cross the timing mat (DNF)

3) walk down the finisher’s chute, pull my bib off, head to the bathroom before crossing the timing mat, pee, and go home. (DNF)

Option 3 was my best one, I’m sad to say. 

Did I say I really had to pee?

I went over to the official timer - after I went to the loo, of course - and told them if they were waiting for me, I wasn’t finishing.

Do you know what he said?

He said that they could leave the timing mat down if I wanted to finish, but they had to clear the road. That’s why they were tearing everything down.

Well, fuck me.

Honestly, I don’t regret my decision. I made it based on the knowledge available to me 10 miles in and with a full bladder.

I am writing to the race director, though.

1) I know I’m slow, but tearing down the finish line at the three hour mark of a half marathon AND NOT POSTING THAT THERE IS A TIME LIMIT is just rude. I would have never signed up if I knew I had to run a 3/3:30. That’s not possible right now. (Maybe they don’t actually have a time limit, because I was allowed to continue. I just lost all race support.)

2) You honestly can’t expect people to go 13 miles without a bathroom break. The 5 and 10Ks at Disney always have lines at the port-a-potties and public restrooms and those are less than half of a half marathon.

The funny / sad thing about this is that I never have to pee during a race. NEVER.

Well, never say never.

But on the flip side, my PHRC shirt made me a new friend. She was an Eagle, but she didn’t make the transition to the FRC. I can’t say I blame her, but it was nice to put the name to the face. We run a lot of the same races, so it will be nice to know someone at the races, even though she smoked me right off the start line.

Aaaaaand, speaking of the FRC, I’M GOING TO DETROIT!

(Who the fuck is ever excited about going to Detroit?)

I’m meeting up with my pocket friends and we’re going to run the Freep Marathon Weekend.

I’m actually running the International Half Marathon, 5K, and one miler.

I’M GOING TO CANADA!

I posted a picture of my renewed passport with the caption: I’M GOING TO DETROIT! and um, yeah. There was one comment on the status questioning my sanity, but I actually received several DMs asking me if I was OK.

Oh, I am so far from OK… but that’s not related to this.

Also related to FRC - I just did a Battle. Finished with 89 miles over 10 days. I capped three times. We won the race (wooo!!!!), but the best part of all of it was my team. I haven’t been on a team that gave me the warm and fuzzies in a long time. 

Oh, did I mention? The course for Battle took us from Erie, PA through Canada, Detroit, Northern Ohio (Toledo, Sandusky, etc.), and back to Erie. Toledo was… fun. Nothing like reliving some of the worst years of my life.

I have stories about stuff and things and I’m not in the right headspace to talk about them right now.

Seems to be the story of my life.

I can part with this, though:

March 18th was the 32nd anniversary of my mother’s death.

She died when I was 16.

She has been dead for double the amount of time she was in my life.

Talk about a mindfuck.

Oh, Christ.

I am in this picture and I don’t like it.

So.

Dopey to Dumbo is done.

Next up is a 5K in Boca tomorrow, then the Live Like Bella 5K at the same place the Miami Turkey Trot is held, and then the A1A Half Marathon in Fort Lauderdale, and THEN, it’s (virtual) Princess Weekend.

God, I really hate running.

Seriously.

Why the fuck do I do this to myself?

Apparently, I’m a masochist.

Here’s how absolutely fucking ridiculous I am:

I signed up for the first FRC Rumble of the new year. A Rumble is different from Battle of the Fandoms - Rumble is a month-long event where there are small teams and every member has their own cap. Battle is a 10 day free-for-all with a 15m/day cap. I’ve also signed up up for Fans Run the World, which is year-round, 366 mile loop, with a 15 mile cap.

I’ve got the 10K cap right now. I’m almost done with my first week and I have done a 10K every single day so far.

I ended January with 100 racery miles. 111.2 in real miles. (I couldn’t count the extra 11.2 of the marathon because it wasn’t done IRL.)

I’m aiming to continue at least a 10K every day in February because it’s hard, and we aren’t afraid to do the hard things. At least, that’s according to my DFF Fam.

I’m already burned out. The only thing that is pretty much keeping me going right now is I want to hit 200 miles in February. It is highly possible. If I stick to the miles as scheduled, I’ll hit 193. I can find an extra 7 miles in there. 2 extra miles a week…

I mean, fuck, if I’m doing 6 miles a day, what’s another 2 during the week? I already did that once to hit the 100 mile mark for January.

Yeah.

There’s something wrong with me.