I’ve never been so ashamed

becoming a Ukrainian citizen means renouncing my us citizenship… not sure that’s a bad thing.

I don’t even know where to start.

I’ve been profoundly depressed since the coup began and things are getting worse.

trump seems to think he can delete a whole bunch of people by forcing a gender binary on them. People are misgendering trans people on the daily and calling them by their dead names. Calling transwomen men.

It makes me sick to think that a Maine politician doxxed a trans teenager and became a maga darling, while the Governor is fighting for ALL of her citizens. mr. trump seems to think that his executive orders are the law. Gov. Mills was correct in saying that she follows FEDERAL LAW which is something that an executive order cannot override. But, you know, he doesn’t need to abide by the laws of this country because he’s the king or some shit. (btw, that article is unlocked if you care to read it.)

As someone who has struggled with being a cis female at various points in my life, this… is devastating to me.

However, I guess there’s a little bit of a silver lining for me? Everyone’s so concerned about ‘men’ playing women’s sports, they’re not paying attention to the women playing men’s sports. Dude, gender is not defined by what’s in between your legs. Gender is a societal framework that puts you in a pink box or a blue box. By reducing a transwoman to what equipment they were born with / gender assigned at birth, they’re completely missing the point. Most transwomen just want to be left alone to live their lives in the pink box, just like I want to be left alone to live my life in the blue one. (I guess mine is sort of purple since I’m a tomboy / butch?) It’s the CIS MEN who are the problem.

Just look at our felon-in-chief. He said that he liked to grab women by the pussies. I’d rather share a bathroom with a transwoman than that fine piece of work. At least that way, I know I’d be safe.

Remember man vs bear? I’d take my chances with a bear any. fucking. day.

For the record - I narrowly escaped being raped in high school by a member of the wrestling team. I was raped by a guy I thought was a friend in college. #metoo isn’t just some hashtag.

Do you know I carried pepper spray AND a personal alarm when I ran laps around a track at a public park last year? Even when it was crowded? I prefer treadmills for various reasons, but it was moving into the apartment that made me quit running. I just don’t feel safe. Maybe part of that is Florida - I was never this paranoid in New England. It’s hard to say, but I’ll find out soon.

So, yeah. I’m conflicted about that.

Add to that the whole putin’s bitch attacking Zelenskyy during a televised conference.

I. Have. FEELINGS.

I don’t have the words, however.

Yeah, the girl who writes non-stop, doesn’t have the fucking words to describe how shitty the current administration has made her feel in roughly a month.

I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and pretending I’m OK, when all I want to do is hide in my apartment and cry.

Speaking of - I HAVE RESERVED A MOVING TRUCK!  I leave this cesspool of a state in May.

I cannot fucking wait to be out of here - both the apartment and the state.

‘I say fuck a lot’ might be the understatement of the year.

I just like the word fuck.

I stumbled upon this completely fucking adorable book on Thursday and DEVOURED it on Friday, since I didn’t have anything (not a single fucking thing and not an exaggeration) to do at work.

Upside Down by N.R. Walker completely captured the asexual relationship I was trying to write perfectly. So, that’s totally my roadmap if I ever go back to that fic.

I’ve gotten into the habit of taking screenshots of my favourite bits as I come across them, and this one?

Holy. Fucking. Shitballs. Batman.

Thankfully, I got to this part at lunchtime. (Or unfortunately?) I laughed so hard, I choked on my sandwich.

It was doubly hysterical because I’d just gotten done having (roughly) the same conversation about my usage of the word with a coworker.

Fuck is one of those amazing words that fits just about any sentence. Intonation fills in the blanks that context doesn’t, too.

It’s just a fucking magical word.

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I am still riding the high from the Антитіла show.

I might still be watching the videos I took.

And I might still be listening to their albums and only their albums. At this rate, their music will be my Wine & Dine soundtrack.

Fuck my BPM playlist.

While I’m on the topic of live bands and concerts, next up is KALUSH. I’ve already seen them this year, but I do like the chaotic energy of their live shows. They remind me of Studio 158 and Gabe setting fire to his trumpet back in the day. It was always fun hanging with Scott-the-Roadie and getting to see the backstage shenanigans.

Hey, Mr. Soundman, I think there’s something on fire.

But anyway.

I forgot to mention that when I see SKOFKA in February that he’s splitting the bill with two other artists. One of which is KOZAK SIROMAHA. You might remember him from the video on this post. I might be looking forward to seeing him just as much as SKOFKA. (And what is up with the caps? KALUSH, SKOFKA, KOZAK SIROMAHA… *sigh*)

WHY THE FUCK is half the music I want to buy not available on the iTunes store? This might make me a shitty person, and probably a thief, but I’ve reverted to using Audio Hijack and pulling the audio off of YouTube. I mean, how do you add a YouTube video to a running playlist?

So… that’s my day sorted: pulling music off of YouTube, creating a new Ukie music running playlist, and world building.

Somehow, Aeon Timeline shit the bed and fucked up my hockey schedules. The dates have all shifted and it’s the weirdest thing. I’ve been using AT since version 1 and beta tested v2 (sort of - I didn’t have a lot of reasons to use it during the beta period but I did download it and play with it.)... I have never had a problem with it. NEVER.

But, you know, there’s only 82 hockey games in a season, and like 6 preseason games… for two teams. Granted, I ‘borrowed’ the schedules from Montreal and Boston, but they still had to be entered by hand because I couldn’t export them to a csv file or anything remotely useful. Annoyed doesn’t begin to describe my current mood. It is such a pain in the ass to go back and fix them.

And it’s not even getting the scheduled dates correct. It’s about remembering that for a 19:00 game, the players have to be there at 16:30 and they spend about 5 hours at the arena. There were a couple of games where the time shifted, too. So I had to do the fucking maths AGAIN to make sure I was getting the game day timeframe correct.

I’ve never been part of a team where the players didn’t play shinny somewhere in the arena as part of their warmup, so that’s an important detail I’m not leaving out, nor the fact that usually the ‘puck’ is a tennis ball. In college, sometimes the boys played with a ball of stick tape. The first time they did it was during a road trip because SOMEONE forgot a tennis ball (apparently, I only had ONE JOB and it wasn’t worrying about the boxed lunches, the uniforms, the extra blades, sticks, torches, the water jugs/bottles, nor the skate sharpener…). Joke’s on them, though, because they enjoyed whipping the tape at each other. Don’t think I didn’t notice that they played with the tape more than once. Even when I remembered the fucking tennis ball.

- - - - - - - - - -

I never seem to talk about when englishing is not hard and the words go good, but I am SO HAPPY with this that I’m going to share this as a reminder that I’m not a completely shitty writer…

Families are messy. It’s one thing when the people who are supposed to build you up only want to tear you down. It’s another thing entirely when the people who are supposed to love you can’t fucking stand the sight of you.

Write what you know, right?

- - - - - - - - - -

And finally, this is my new favourite song. Enjoy.

 

If the words won’t come, make the characters.

the secret to a successful nanowrimo is porn. lots of it.

As I’ve said before, I’ve never been the type of person who creates an outline and a plot.

I’ve been plotting like a madwoman. Pages and pages of plot bunnies. It’s insane.

Who knew writing a hockey au would actually be enjoyable?

We all know my history with hockey and how the last experience absolutely fucking broke me. (Still broken after all these years, thanks. Vegas put a nice band-aid on my boo-boo, though.)

So… it’s been weird to actually dig into things like the NHL’s Collective Bargaining Agreement and the Rule Book.

To remember things I thought I’d forgotten.

A skate blade to the back, the severed pinky, the slapshot to the nuts (the player was NOT wearing a cup… but that’s a story for another day.), the singing on the bus, Cooperstown, the dentist fixing a broken nose, the Stanley Cup, the octopus… that fucking mascot.

Reading all these stupid hockey romances has reminded me what it’s like to be part of the team, not part of the back office.

And THAT is where my love of the sport truly lives.

In the camaraderie of the players. Not the knowledge of how to write the Salary Cap journal entries.

I almost watched a Bruins game the other night.

Almost.

But before I could change the channel, I had a panic attack and decided it was safer to watch Simmers on YouTube.

I’ll get back to being able to watch the games and probably sooner rather than later.

But in the meantime, I’ve noticed some other things that are changing.

- The hubby took care of Guinness, not me. And G wasn’t a cuddle pup. He was sort of detached, aloof. I take care of the kittens and they are not like that at all. Sophie is still ridiculously skittish, but holy shit. When she wants love, she will NOT be denied. I need Sophie lovin’ more than I would have thought possible. Finn’s, too, although he’s grown way more independent.

- I’ve been listening to Bowie and the Stones. A LOT. I’ve struggled with their music in the past because they remind me of people who ripped me apart and then stomped on the pieces. Somehow, I’ve managed to get past that. Although, I do not recommend singing Star Star at work because it is very NSFW... whoops.

OH! Fun fact: R.E.M.‘s “Star Me Kitten” is named Star Me Kitten because of “Star Star”. Another fun fact: It is one of the very few R.E.M. songs that uses the word fuck.

- I’ve also been listening to a playlist I call BLG. BLG are the initials of the one, the only, Soulmate Boy and it’s all music I associate with him. Some of it is great for running and, I don’t know, kind of… comforting? Yeah, that’s the word I keep coming back to.

- I’m becoming less afraid to go places on my own. This became a HUGE issue after moving to Florida and then having the whole pandemic thing happen. I certainly don’t have the kind of life I had in New England, and I fucking miss it, but I’m trying to make a life here. Finally.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

And for something completely unrelated, I finally got my two breathing tests done AND scored a follow-up with the pulmonologist before Wine and Dine. (I couldn’t get an appointment with the doc until DECEMBER. I lucked out when there was a cancellation for next week.)

I failed. Miserably.

So, exercise-induced asthma is real and not in my head.

That actually makes me feel better.

I have an inhaler, but it’s not working for me. The therapist who did the test thinks I’ll respond better to steroids, but didn’t go into more details. Google’s not telling me much, so I’m excited to have the follow up so soon. Nothing new on race day… except asthma meds. Should be an interesting weekend.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

I also saw Антитіла on Wednesday.

So. Fucking. AMAZING.

It was everything I wanted and more. I had chills and tears. The first and only time I ever got emotional at a concert was Paul Simon, so that should tell you something.

I really hope I get to see them again.

KALUSH is up next and then, in February, it’s SKOFKA… who I only know because of the collabs with KALUSH.

I’m trying to see as many Ukrainian shows as possible so, even if I’m lukewarm on the artist, I’ll go.

I get to support Ukrainians and experience live music. It’s a win-win, even though I hate the fact that they’re on tour fundraising for shit like first aid supplies.

And on that note, I need to go research some more hockey things. November 1st is coming way too fast.

Наша Батьківщина б’ється гордо

Скільки не стріляй в наш край Скільки не пали поля Житиме вічно наша ненька Вродить ще не раз земля Скільки не стріляй в наш край Скільки не пали поля Житиме вічно наша ненька Вродить ще не раз земля Наша Батьківщина б’ється гордо Ми не в пах, а в морду Наша Батьківщина за свободу Перегризе горло Наша Батьківщина тільки наша Не віддам нізащо Наша Батьківщина б’ється завше Збережи її, Отче Наший Ненька наша рідна, ти потерпи ше чу-чуть Наші Січові стрільці добре ворога січуть Око за око наші хлопці точно пики натовчуть Збройні сили України не дадуть задуть свічу Скільки не стріляй в наш край Скільки не пали поля Житиме вічно наша ненька Вродить ще не раз земля Скільки не стріляй в наш край Скільки не пали поля Житиме вічно наша ненька Вродить ще не раз земля Кулі дебіли полетіли, бо не мали права вони на слова Воля - це дівчина, шо любить дім, тільки руским би не дала Кулі дебіли полетіли, бо не мали права вони на слова Воля - це дівчина, шо любить дім, тільки руским би не дала Звідти, де волі люд не мали, звідти ті тихі голоси А звідки чорнила виливали, явно, що там не чистота Скільки вже наша пережила ненька, така ще молода Жовте осіннє плаття зняла, а камуфляжне - ти вбрала А на дев’ятий поверх упало не сонце Дивлюся на двір через нове віконце Ангел тут живе мій лише охоронцем, бо На дев’ятий поверх упало не сонце Скільки не стріляй в наш край Скільки не пали поля Житиме вічно наша ненька Вродить ще не раз земля Скільки не стріляй в наш край Скільки не пали поля Житиме вічно наша ненька Вродить ще не раз земля Око за око, зуб за зуб Загризуть тут за тризуб Око за око, зуб за зуб Наші тихо підповзуть

No matter how much you shoot at our land How many fields did not fall Our grandmother will live forever The earth will give birth more than once No matter how much you shoot at our land How many fields did not fall Our grandmother will live forever The earth will give birth more than once Our Motherland fights proudly We are not in the groin, but in the face Our Motherland is for freedom He will bite his throat Our Motherland is only ours I won’t give it away for anything Our Motherland is always fighting Save her, Our Father Our dear Nenka, you will suffer a lot Our Sich snipers cut the enemy well An eye for an eye, our guys will definitely crush spades The Armed Forces of Ukraine will not let the candle blow out No matter how much you shoot at our land How many fields did not fall Our grandmother will live forever The earth will give birth more than once No matter how much you shoot at our land How many fields did not fall Our grandmother will live forever The earth will give birth more than once Bullets of morons flew because they had no right to speak Volya is a girl who loves home, but she wouldn’t give it to Russians Bullets of morons flew because they had no right to speak Volya is a girl who loves home, but she wouldn’t give it to Russians From there, where people had no free will, those quiet voices came from there And from where the ink was poured, it is clear that there is no cleanliness there How much our little girl has experienced, she is still young You took off the yellow autumn dress, and you put on the camouflage one And it was not the sun that fell on the ninth floor I look at the yard through a new window The angel lives here only as my guard, because The sun did not fall on the ninth floor No matter how much you shoot at our land How many fields did not fall Our grandmother will live forever The earth will give birth more than once No matter how much you shoot at our land How many fields did not fall Our grandmother will live forever The earth will give birth more than once An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth They will bite the trident here An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth Ours will quietly creep up

Topping from the bottom

I. Can’t. Believe. This. Happened.

I’m always that person who takes charge of a group project when people are slacking… this time, I bulldozed a Captain.

In my defence, not a single person on the team was offering anything up, and I have charities that mean a shit-ton to me.

FRC is attempting a new format for racery - teams of five people randomly chosen, a fundraising component, and all the shenanigans we’ve grown to love.

I’m really looking forward to this one. The last few just haven’t been fun because people talk offline and make teams full of super cappers. They take off and are impossible to catch… but, with random people creating teams? We might actually have a chance to have fun this go ‘round.

So any way - I wanted to choose Cobblestone for our charity, but that didn’t work out. (Cobblestone hooked us up with with our trip to Lviv, sent us the most amazing tour guide ever, and now are helping support his family through donations. I donate as much as I can, when I can.) Unfortunately, Cobblestone isn’t a registered charity in Canada yet.

I asked if we could fundraise for Razom for Ukraine. This is a better known charity and absolutely massive. I’d rather donate to them, if I can’t directly donate to Ukrainians hurt by the lack of tourism.

Razom is the transliterated version of разом - the Ukrainian word for together. (It’s pronounced “rah-zom”)

The team ran with the word, brainstormed different ways to use razom in the team name, and we settled on razoomies, because, well, we’ll zoom.

Razombies was also thrown out there. I loved that one, too.

Our team colours were also chosen for us. The Ukrainian flag serving as inspiration.

I know it’s trendy right now to care about Ukraine, but - of course - this means so much to me, personally.

I’ve been crying on and off, I’ve been so touched by the interest.

I have bunch of hashtags chosen for the race itself and I’m so excited to use them.

If we’re friends on Facebook, you’re about to get sick of the relentless posts sending you to the racery fundraising link. And I’d apologise, but sorry, not sorry.

Together we zoom!