LOOK! STILL ALIVE!

mmm… david ten-inch

Woke up ass early today.

Managed to get out of bed.

Introduced the most adorable lisp in the world to my CP fan fic.

Screamed at the computer when my blog, Firefox, Safari and then my internet connection all fell to shit. Then, while trying to apply for a job (using their handy “apply now!” bullshit), the web site kept bouncing me back to the log in screen.

*sigh*

I’ve had two recruiters reach out to me today. Both left messages. Neither has called me back.

Jimmy the Pimp - my most favourite recruiter in the world - isn’t working for that company any more. I sent a break-up email because I hadn’t heard from him in four days, and that’s really unusual for us. (I know it’s me - you can’t place me because I’m pathetic sort of thing), and his boss called me. HIS BOSS. To apologize for not reaching out to me on Friday, Monday, or Tuesday.

Also - almost wrote a cover letter to an international company that began:
Why do I want to work for you? That’s easy. I want to get the fuck out of the US and move to the UK. This isn’t a snap decision - you can see this desire in my journals and it goes all the way back to my first visit to London in 1992. Please, please, please, hire me and then immediately transfer me. I. WILL. CLEAN. TOILETS. FOR. A. TIER. TWO. VISA. NO. LIE.

Decided to delete it and go the grown up route.

I do have a lead on an international recruiter that’s advertising for a job locally… I’ll probably call him in a bit and just see what there is to see.

I have an interview tomorrow that I’m trying to get excited about, but I just can’t… I’m tired of getting my hopes up to just be let go because “it’s just not working out.”

I dunno…

(This appears to be a regular daily update type series thing for those of you who have expressed concern about my mental state. It is much appreciated, but I’m fine. Honest. Just a little blue. Like a smurf.)

The sky is falling!

wholock!

I got out of bed this morning.

WILLINGLY.

An hour and a half earlier than my norm.

Suck on THAT, depression.

My Cabin Pressure fan fic is almost done. A true trilogy. With a decent non-Whedonesque ending.

I watched a cheesy horror fic today that was so forgettable I’d forgotten I watched it. When the big twist ending was revealed, I was like, “Oh, yeah. I’ve already seen it.” *sigh*

My favorite recruiter is blowing me off. Awesome. Just. Freaking. Awesome.  I can only guess that his co-workers don’t want to place me in any of their positions. Be nice if he’d just tell me…

On the other hand, I have an interview on Thursday. I refuse to get excited about it.

Knitting tonight - my girls are always good for making me feel better.

So… see? I’m fine. I survived last night. I’m thriving today.

Life will go on… and I’ll be here for every second of it.

Useless. Worthless. Hopeless. (TW: Depression, suicide)

i am thankful this fine looking man exists

I talk a lot about how I’m not suicidal, how I’ve made it past that point in my life…

but that doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself to think about it from time to time.

Let me clarify before you start dialing 911, OK?

I don’t think about suicide in concrete ways: I need to write a note, I need to decide on a method, I need to blah blah blah…

I do, however, slip into thinking about how much better my life would be if I wasn’t here to live it.

Keep your hands away from the phone.

I’m not done yet.

I made myself promise (a looooong time ago, after my dad told me he’d kill me if I killed myself) that if I ever started to think that dying would be the best way out of my current situation I would think of two reasons to stay around for every one reason to leave. That two to one ratio is a BITCH.

Not that I have to find two good things, but that I have to think of bad things.

It’s been flawless so far.

Seriously.

Today’s bad thing was that I’m the reason we’re not going to have any savings. If I’m gone, J gets my (rather generous) life insurance proceeds. Money problems solved.

Today’s corresponding good things: I would miss Guinness barking in his sleep and I would miss the simple joy of seeing Mr. Cumberbatch’s face.

Yeah, they’re kind of stupid, but it can’t be the same thing all the time. The good things take some serious thought. The bad things are easy.

I’m in a very, very bad place right now.

But I’m OK.

Really.

I’ll get through this. I always do.

Guinness is barking in his sleep as I type this, and I’m really glad I’m here to hear it.

Life isn’t meant to be easy 100% of the time.

Life isn’t mean to be fun 100% of the time.

But I’m meant to be here 100% of the time, for whatever time I have left… and I don’t plan on leaving early.

Besides, I’m really fucking curious to see what good things I have to come up with tomorrow when I can’t get out of bed.

Assuming, of course, that I struggle to get out of bed tomorrow…

Right now, the Cabin Pressure fic is behaving itself, so I’m really into working on it.

Right now, I’ve had another person favorite “It Was Always There”.

Right now, I’m curious as to whether or not my elbow (tendonitis? pinched nerve? The Dr. wasn’t sure.) will finally heal.

Right now, I’m curious to see if Guinness can actually start and stop if I try to do a Couch to 5K workout with him.

Right now, I’m looking forward to getting out of bed tomorrow and watching a new episode of Master Chef UK while I get ready for the day.

Right now, I know I’m going to be A-OK.

And that’s really all that matters.

Two kinds of friends…

the ninth doctor is definitely underrated

I had two different friends message me today.

One told me that if I didn’t shut up about the bipolar and the obsession with moving to the UK, I’d never find another job in the States because a) I’m crazy and b) it’s obvious I’m not going to stay there long.

One told me that we should start our own company and that I could run the UK branch.

Well… let’s look at this realistically.

I can’t do anything about the bipolar. I really can’t. It’s there. It’s being treated. I do the best I can with it.

As for the move, well, I can try and do something about that, but the pessimistic part of me knows it will never happen.

Because. Really.

Let’s pack up an entire house, two people, two dogs, and a cat.

Let’s try to sell a house in a neighborhood full of foreclosures.

Let’s find a job without being able to do in-person interviews.

The list goes on.

The optimistic part of me assumes we’re going to be there by the end of 2014.

Of course, now that Sherlock has been rumoured to start on Halloween, I’d love to be there by then. I’m not sure if I can pull it off, but it’s worth a try. *grin*

Part of me is terrified about making this change. I mean, I’m moving across the fucking ocean! That’s huge.

Part of me is raring to go. It’s time for a new adventure. A new life.

I don’t know how that will affect me working (killing time) at another job in the States… I can’t say anything about it, because I simply don’t know.

The goal is to find a job with an international company and use that as a stepping stone. But if I can’t, I can’t.

In the meantime, I’m just going to keep throwing my resume out there and wonder what it’s going to take for me to find a place I can stay for longer than a month.

Happy birthday, Martin Freeman!

a little inspiration for the new johnlock fic…

How fitting is it that Martin Fucking Freeman is 42 today? FORTY TWO!

(And - again - if you don’t understand the significance, get the fuck off my blog and stop calling yourself my friend. Seriously.)

——

I put the Cabin Pressure fan fic aside, because all it’s doing is pissing me off.

I was itching to write today, so I started writing the new Johnlock one I’ve had on the back burner.

It’s kind of cathartic writing a good ol’, pissed off, John Watson. Martin Freeman swears so much in real life, that a cussing John Watson - one that, at times, seems to have only the word ‘fuck’ (and variants thereof) in his vocabulary - has become canon. It was pretty fun to write John Watson with the censor off.

I didn’t mean to write this, but it just kind of slipped out: There had been a case where John and Lestrade had been arrested for solicitation. Mycroft had stepped in, made sure the charges and everything else, except for Greg’s school girl outfit, went away. Mystrade and cross dressing… two things I never thought I’d put in my Johnlock fics. I think there’s something seriously wrong with me. I’m definitely keeping it, though. It does need some polishing, but that will come in time.

(OMMFG! Spell check wanted to change Lestrade to straddle. NAUGHTY SPELL CHECK!)

——

I used my UK iTunes account today (which I am no doubt going to get busted for, eventually) to purchase the Cumberbatch movie “Wreckers” among other Cumberbatchian goodies, like a reading of “Jabberwocky” and the UK version of his episode of “Top Gear”. Can I just say that the £10 gift card someone AWESOME sent me disappeared way too quickly? It did. I’m down to 53p or something stupid like that.

Anyhoo - I just finished watching “Wreckers” and wow… that movie wrecked me.(HA!)

I… just… can’t. It’s not particularly good, and there isn’t enough Cumberbatch in it, but the ending shook me. I hate when that happens. Guaranteed I dream about it tonight.

——

I started to move the contents of my FOUR backup hard drives (and six thumb drives) to a newer, much larger, hard drive. (I swear to Dog, if I run out of room on this one, I’m going to pitch a hissy fit. However, I should probably point out that two of them are tiny little drives, one is full of photos and music and the other is a backup of three computers and the other big backup drive. The thumb drives I can’t explain. I think they fuck like bunnies when I’m not looking. Last I knew, I had exactly three: a SIMS plumbob, one I got at the GTD summit, and one with a friend’s pictures from BOSCON. However, I found six… SIX!)

I had a pretty good scare the other day when I couldn’t access the drive that had my iTunes library and Lightroom backups on it. Thankfully, it was just unplugged, but it made me realize (again) that there’s a lot of my life that’s been digitized and I don’t want to lose it. I was also thinking about how much room I take up by doing certain things I should probably never admit to. (I’ve given up being a web design dork to engage in other, more colourful aspects of the web. My inner fangirl has taken certain things and run with them. I’ve learned things I never thought I’d want to learn…)

At any rate, I’ve got a completely ridiculous, completely paranoid, back up plan.

It makes me feel better.

——

Speaking of feeling better, after 10 years, we are finally replacing our mattress. It’s been a long time coming, but those things are freaking expensive, and I haven’t wanted to spend the money on it. (That’s our London fund!!!!) However, it’s gotten to the point where I wake up in pain every morning.

We had a blast shopping for a new mattress. More fun than any two people should have, that’s for sure. (And no… there was none of THAT going on. I was just manic. I’m FUN when I’m manic.)

If I’d known it was going to be that much fun, I wouldn’t have put it off for as long as we did.

——-

This entry had a point, at one point, but I’ll be dipped if I can remember what I was going to write about…

Oh well…