Way too cute…

he looks so proud of himself

This is my little sleepbarking cutie the day he decided to flood the kitchen.

A timeout in the crate didn’t seem to bother him…

 

Useless. Worthless. Hopeless. (TW: Depression, suicide)

i am thankful this fine looking man exists

I talk a lot about how I’m not suicidal, how I’ve made it past that point in my life…

but that doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself to think about it from time to time.

Let me clarify before you start dialing 911, OK?

I don’t think about suicide in concrete ways: I need to write a note, I need to decide on a method, I need to blah blah blah…

I do, however, slip into thinking about how much better my life would be if I wasn’t here to live it.

Keep your hands away from the phone.

I’m not done yet.

I made myself promise (a looooong time ago, after my dad told me he’d kill me if I killed myself) that if I ever started to think that dying would be the best way out of my current situation I would think of two reasons to stay around for every one reason to leave. That two to one ratio is a BITCH.

Not that I have to find two good things, but that I have to think of bad things.

It’s been flawless so far.

Seriously.

Today’s bad thing was that I’m the reason we’re not going to have any savings. If I’m gone, J gets my (rather generous) life insurance proceeds. Money problems solved.

Today’s corresponding good things: I would miss Guinness barking in his sleep and I would miss the simple joy of seeing Mr. Cumberbatch’s face.

Yeah, they’re kind of stupid, but it can’t be the same thing all the time. The good things take some serious thought. The bad things are easy.

I’m in a very, very bad place right now.

But I’m OK.

Really.

I’ll get through this. I always do.

Guinness is barking in his sleep as I type this, and I’m really glad I’m here to hear it.

Life isn’t meant to be easy 100% of the time.

Life isn’t mean to be fun 100% of the time.

But I’m meant to be here 100% of the time, for whatever time I have left… and I don’t plan on leaving early.

Besides, I’m really fucking curious to see what good things I have to come up with tomorrow when I can’t get out of bed.

Assuming, of course, that I struggle to get out of bed tomorrow…

Right now, the Cabin Pressure fic is behaving itself, so I’m really into working on it.

Right now, I’ve had another person favorite “It Was Always There”.

Right now, I’m curious as to whether or not my elbow (tendonitis? pinched nerve? The Dr. wasn’t sure.) will finally heal.

Right now, I’m curious to see if Guinness can actually start and stop if I try to do a Couch to 5K workout with him.

Right now, I’m looking forward to getting out of bed tomorrow and watching a new episode of Master Chef UK while I get ready for the day.

Right now, I know I’m going to be A-OK.

And that’s really all that matters.

Sixty seven. SIXTY SEVEN!!!!

i love the wholock fandom

So… as I posted on Facebook last night, today would be my father’s 67th birthday.

I can’t picture him as an old man. He’s frozen in time at the age he was when he died, and I guess that’s a good thing. Just weird to think about how much has happened - how much is left to happen - since he’s been gone.

Yeah, I’m bumming pretty hard today.

But, I have good friends, REALLY good friends who have been reaching out and making me laugh, or giving me warm fuzzies, or just making me feel like I matter, like I’m still important. I don’t know how to put it better than that.

Thank you, guys… maybe one day I’ll be able to thank you in person. (Why do you all have to live so far from New Hamster?!?!)

 

I’m going to have to find and replace all the ginger…

the cumberbabe with his natural hair colour

“I’m not ginger… I’m auburn and there is a difference,” he says firmly.

“I’ve got very good friends and relatives who are ginger and trust me, there’s a difference. And they ain’t ever gonna see the proof!... I have hair that is auburn. It’s got streaks of red in it, definitely. It’s also got streaks of bronze and lighter colours and darker brown colours. When I was a kid I was as blond as the young Julian in our film.”

If you say so…

——

In other news, I’m not meant to be unemployed. For a third time.

I’m so nervous about finding a new job, that my head is firmly up my ass.

My dad’s one rule when driving was “Listen for pop, then turn key.” The pop would be the sound of your head being removed from your ass. (Didn’t dad just have a way with words?)

Yeah. Well, I forgot that.

I tried to pull out of the garage while the car was still moving. The garage door went up (I thought all the way), and then it came down. ON MY CAR.

I haven’t been able to force myself to look at the roof of the Forester to see the damage, but I did manage to get the door ‘fixed’. I’m still having someone come out and make sure there isn’t any real damage. The guy lives around the corner from us, so hopefully I get a “stupid neighbour” discount.

——

In other, other news, I fucked up the shoulders on the sweater I’m knitting pretty badly and I need to frog about two inches of it. Ain’t happening today, that’s for sure. I wish I had noticed it last night at knitting when it could have been frogged by someone who knows what they’re doing…

——

In other, other, other news, I rewrote ALL of “This Week: HARTFORD!” which is Episode One of the Cabin Pressure fan fic from hell. From scratch. Every single word. In a new document. I like this version better. All the bits and pieces from the first two drafts that I was planning on recycling fit better into the new storyline.

There’s a ridiculously fluffy moment towards the end, and I’ve been obsessed with it. Like I dreamt about it last night and the night before. It kicked me right in the feels which I wasn’t expecting, but it is a really tender moment between Douglas and Martin. (No citrus was harmed in the making of that moment.) I think it sets up what happens in the next two episodes perfectly. Fucking “Paris” is next (I hate Paris and if I wasn’t so hell bent on using “le bear polar” / Qikiqtarjuaq, I’d move it, but I need a zoo, particularly one in France…) and that’s also getting a complete rewrite. It gives us the next tender moment between the two men and sets the stage for the final episode of the trilogy where we finally get the Marlas relationship that’s been so carefully and slowly set up in the first two . Yes. I’m bringing it back to a trilogy. I don’t know where episode three is going to be set, since it combines “Fitton” and “London”... maybe Zurich since Y-L-B is definitely part of the third chapter’s rewrite.

I suppose since I’m all job searched out for the day and freaked out about breaking anything new, I’ll try to work on Paris… It’s not like I can fuck that up any worse than it already is.

*sigh*

David Tennant, Scottish accent, fencing sabre… BOOM!

ahhhh… a little gingerbatch

The nice thing about having TiVo record everything with a certain actor in it is that you get exposed to things you might otherwise miss.

Like this PBS documentary about “Hamlet” narrated by David Tennant, with scenes from his version.

I’m dying here.

And - he’s running around London in a long coat, reminiscent of Ten’s.

And - And - AND! He fences sabre in it!

With the jacket and everything.

Nerdgasm.

Big time nerdgasm.