You can only look forward…

re-run all the races!

We’re not going to talk about last year’s three words, except to say I failed miserably at all of them… 2019 was a year forever marred by the events of December 6th and my inability to get past it.

And that’s fine. I’ve learned from it. I’ve done my best to heal. I’ve tried desperately to put myself first.

For 2020, it’s not so much three words as three sentences.

It’s all about the Twelfth Doctor and what’s become the Whovian Running Club’s new motto:

Run fast.

Laugh hard.

Be kind.

I’m pretty sure that they’re self-explanatory.

The kotyonok and his asshole

it is hard as fuck to slow burn two characters you desperately want together

OK. So. Fun stuff first.

I didn’t win Nano, but the complete re-write of my YOI fan fic is going particularly well.

Telling it from the point of view of a fifteen year old under extreme amounts of pressure has been interesting. My headcanon for him is pretty brutal, but - shockingly - it’s not as bad as I’ve seen in other fics. I’ve given him anger issues, anxiety, everything fifteen year old me experienced long before it had a name. I’m not necessarily making him bipolar, but he’s definitely got issues. I’ve also given him an amazing version of his already pretty awesome grandpa, though. And brought in some of my experiences growing up Ukrainian. A lot of that cultural knowledge has been lost to time - and the swiss cheese my memory has become due to some of my meds - but I’m able to remember enough to google what I need and then find a Russian translation for it.

The biggest issue I’ve had is not digging up the ghosts of my past brushes with undiagnosed mental illness, but instead the fact that Yuri is 15 and Beka is 18. I hate the aged up fics because it feels like Barcelona is just foreplay. The whole side story of Beka meeting him five years prior to the Grand Prix final gets lost when Yuri is suddenly 18 as well. Beka’s a patient man. He’s been waiting FIVE YEARS to spend time with this boy, and instead of it being creepy, it was so well written that you know Otayuri is going to be canon. Later. It’s a slow burn of the slowest type.

I’m not the best with writing slow burns because I’m impatient… but it’s important not to rush this. Granted, the age of consent is low enough in all the concerned countries where it doesn’t matter, but American readers are often squicked out by it. Yuri is considered underaged, which is why he’s aged up by other impatient writers.

It’s challenging to write a young boy who wants everything NOW. Who wants the acceptance of this skater he looks up to. Who actually likes him. Despite the walls he’s built due to his backstory, he really wants Beka in his life. He thinks he loves Beka… On the flip side, Beka’s waited five years. I don’t see any reason why he can’t wait another three. I’ve made it obvious that he has a crush on Yuri, but he has the self-control required to not devour the boy.

It’s been hard, and it’s gone off the rails a few times, (I’ve rewritten one chapter multiple times!) but it’s better for the additional edits.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

OK. Serious stuff now.

Trump’s been impeached.

And he’s not going to pay the price of essentially breaking the law. (Gross simplification. I’m not a political scholar.)

I understand WHY it became a matter of parties. I understand WHY a lot of people say that the Dems wanted to undo the 2016 election.

Hell, I’d been wondering what it would take to impeach him and remove him from office - WHILE HE WAS STILL RUNNING.

He’s an absolutely shitty person and his followers… obviously have no morals. No sense of right and wrong. And his own party condones his shitty behaviour. TWITTER condones his shitty behaviour because his tweets are “important” and “historical”. He’s sexually assaulted women, announced that he could kill someone and people would look the other way, has attacked multiple people for really, what amounts to no good reason. (I mean, John McCain wasn’t necessarily one of my favourite people, but he didn’t deserve to be treated so harshly by Trump.) The reporters, the girl speaking out about the environment…there are so many I can’t list them all. OH! What about wanting to hold the G7 Summit at his PERSONAL property? Emoluments clause, anyone? (Not that that’s the only time foreign officials have visited a Trump property…or that the taxpayers are putting money in his pocket since his visits to Mar-A-Lago are essentially paid for by us.)

And the most mind-boggling bit? The part that drives me up the fucking wall? Trump attacked Greta Thunberg not once but TWICE. His fucking wife who has this anti-bullying campaign, has stayed fucking silent about the fact that her husband, the fucking PRESIDENT, is bullying a SIXTEEN year old girl with Asperger’s. Especially when people think he’s lashing out because she’s Time magazine’s person of the year.

Yeah. That pisses me off.

You have no idea.

I have been hoping and praying that they find a way to remove him from office since day one.

Unfortunately, being a shitty person is not one of the impeachable offences.

He handed the Dems exactly what they needed, but because Trump has visibly pissed the Dems off since day one, it’s definitely caused the impeachment to fall along party lines.

I’m disappointed that the Republicans have decided to protect him at all costs.

I’m disappointed that the Dems can’t figure out how to get a decent candidate in front of the American people… I hate all the front runners, for multiple reasons, some of them - admittedly - not rational.Call it the gut check. I could never verbalise why I hated Clinton and Sanders, either. I just knew I didn’t like them.

I think the impeachment is going to hurt the Dems come this next election and that pisses me off… I wish there were a fair trial coming up instead of this fucking shitshow.

Then again, if I’m going to waste my time on pointless wishes, I might as well wish to go back in time and not move to South Florida. Or I might as well wish for the bipolar behaving itself and not getting fired from my dream job because I had a complete breakdown and couldn’t function. (By the way, I was protected by the EEOC, but they found a loophole. Long story and you’re never going to get the full story here.)

Whatever…

I’m off to binge the Mandalorian… I’m only allowing myself to watch it if I’m on the treadmill. Six episodes at about 30 minutes each is about 3 5Ks or 9 miles at my slower pace. That’s not too bad. I could also make it a game: run full out when Baby Yoda does something adorable or when Mando shows emotion… but then I might be running full out for the 6 episodes. (How the fuck does Pedro Pascal manage to convey so many emotions when you never see his face?!?!?!)

And yes,  I know there are 7, but I’m not allowed to watch it alone and the husband not’s home right now.

A change of decorations is in order…

PHRC House and Quidditch Cup champions!!!!!!

Last December, Slytherin beat Ravenclaw to win the House Cup by three points.

Three fucking points.

Ravenclaws throughout the Tower took that… not particularly well.

Then, Bill’s wife decided to rub salt in the wound. She hung a Slytherin banner right where Bill couldn’t miss it. (The dangers of multi-house families!)

Bill, of course, showed this to the Tower, and a battle cry was born.

Well, Friday, it was decided that a change of decorations was in order.

Not going to lie - I cried when I watched the awarding of the House Cup. Then I cried harder when Bill posted the video of him changing the banner.

We worked so hard for this… I can’t put into words how much we pulled together to do this.

People need medals? OK. Let’s give them money for medals!

We need to win Quidditch? OK. Let’s build a Ravenwall and ensure that nobody can come in 1st through 4th!

Kids need school supplies? OK. BUY! ALL! THE! THINGS!

More people need medals? OK. The House Ghosts are out in full force!

Moms need diapers? OK. BUY! ALL! THE! DIAPERS!

We need to run miles? OK. Let’s run ONE MILLION MILES!

I don’t think they’ve published the stats from this year, because I can’t find them, but we’re talking thousands of diapers. Thousands of pencils, colored pencils, highlighters. Over a million miles tracked in the Charity Miles app.

And that’s just Ravenclaw…

I run, therefore I am

as 2020 looms large over the horizon, I’ve found a new way to define myself

I was supposed to run a 5K last night and a half marathon tomorrow.

I ended up deferring both. The 5K was the first to go because of work. When I had originally signed up, I was at a different job. This week my boss was on vacation and I forgot to ask before I left for Thanksgiving. I ended up deferring the half because I keep fucking up my back when I run. The 5K and 10K over Thanksgiving week just about killed me. My sciatica was acting up and when it wasn’t, the pain was still unreal. I had to take time off to heal, which meant there was no way I’d be ready.

I’m heartbroken. This was my test. To see what I needed to do before Disney. I WILL NOT BE A DNF. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT. I don’t know what that means, but I have a month to figure out how to get there without the benchmark I so desperately wanted / needed. 

I did a LOT of research. A metric fuck-ton, to be exact. I know it doesn’t replace having a doctor look at it, but what I found described everything perfectly. I have a plan that involves more stretching, some that I hadn’t even thought of. I searched the Nike Workout app and found a few workouts that fit the bill. I’m going to reach out to a yoga instructor I know and she what she can offer me.  I’m excited to get going.

I was going to run the 5K last night (at home), but my night got blown to shit. We had to leave the office because they were painting. I tried to work from home and it was a disaster. Such a disaster that I ended up working an hour later than I wanted to because our West Coast office forgot I’m on the East Coast. (Bastards!)

I’m going to run the 5K today and the half tomorrow (at home, on the Deathmill) as well. It won’t be perfect, but it will give me an idea of how I’m going to perform.

I’ve even got a running plan sort of figured out for 2020… including the insanity of the Random Tuesday racery events.

I’ve set the lofty goal of doing the Dopey Challenge in 2021. My biggest hurdle is going to be the marathon, because I’ve already committed to 11 IRL races. ELEVEN. And three of them are halfs. We’re not even going go talk about the 7 guaranteed PHRC races, the 6 WRC races, and whatever the FRC decides to release.

- - - - - - - - - -

I’ve taken a break from Facebook. I log in about once a day, look at my fanfic groups, hang out in the Tower, check on select friends. When I post now, it’s about running because running is safe.

I can’t look at my newsfeed. The memories of happy days with the Cats. The reminder that I got fired. (Yesterday was the year anniversary of my official termination.) The endless stream of hockey stories, videos, photos that clog some of my favourite peoples’ feeds.

I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

One of my hockey loving friends texted me a photo before bed a few nights ago… It took me two Ativan before I could calm down enough to be rational. I’m only supposed to take two if shit is REALLY bad. It was beyond bad.

I thought I might go back in January but after that night, I may wait until hockey season is over. In April.

I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would.