And the sunshine shone from the sunshine above…

amen, brother

Dog, proofreading ZURCH! is killing me… I changed the ending to PARIS!, which did, as expected, require a rewrite of the majority of the fucker. This Cabin Pressure trilogy is going to be the death of me.

On a happy note, we’re finally getting the REAL Zurich episode. Finnemore has confirmed that the original cast will come back for the series ender, too. I just hope it ends with Martin staying at MJN…

Plus, I’m 16 days into NaNoWriMo, so I need the extra distraction. Right? Right! Why the fuck not?

——

Finally, Friday, I started to feel like a human again.

I went out to breakfast with D and we talked about how bad it sucked to be let go while Junior ran off to China to work for Daddy.

I interviewed with the recruiter for the part time / full time / temp to perm position. He’s going to try and get me in front of the company ASAP. Actually, for as fucked up as it sounds, its actually a good position and has a LOT of potential for someone who gets bored easily. I guess we’ll see. The recruiter was wicked excited about me being a good fit for them, so I’ve got my fingers crossed…

Drove to Saratoga Springs for a night with my Albany family. It was, as always, exactly what I needed when I needed it. If I wasn’t hell bent on leaving the country, I might have seriously considered shifting my job search to Albany…

But it’s time for my next adventure, the hubby’s on board with the decision, and Universe willing, I’ll find out that I really am Polish-American. (Dear universe, please, please, please, let me know what I can do to ensure Polish citizenship. I have a career counsellor ready to help me update my CV, I have an immigration solicitor ready to smooth out any rough edges. And uh, I’ve been doing a passable job of writing British-English fan fic according to one of my new friends on AO3, so there’s that, too. I’ll be pre-assimilated! Is that even a thing? It is now… all I need is that EEA/EU citizenship. )

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m really Ukrainian, but that’s not going to help me any since they’re not in the EEA/EU.

——

Feeling like shit again today.

Last week was a roller coaster and it really fucked me up. I felt just well enough to have one good day and then I relapsed.

Eh, yesterday was so fucking awesome, it’s worth it to be all headachey and miserable again today.

Welcome back, panic attacks.

spn behind the scenes…

One of my recruiters submitted my resume for a position with a company named “Beaver somethingorother”. BEAVER! My inner twelve year old went completely bat shit and I laughed for about 20 minutes. No lie.

I’m meeting with a recruiter tomorrow after breakfast with a friend. He’s got a part time to full time / temp to perm job that I’m interested in. It’s part time to start at a pretty good hourly rate, and if it grows, 40 hours at a better rate. It will keep me busy… it’s not like I’m getting any more offers at the moment. I can barely get interviews and I can’t find anything that I’m even qualified for on all the job boards. My well is run dry…

So… this part time thing, who know? Might work out. Might not.

It couldn’t be any where near as bad as Tuesday.

Holy hell, Tuesday was TERRIBLE.

I went to Newburyport (absolute hellhole to work in - parking is HORRENDOUS) and started temping for this CPA. He gives me this list of 4 things to do. I can’t even read his damn handwriting, so I ask him what he wants. He looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language. Then he says he wants financial statements. OK. He doesn’t say what period, so I assume, hey, it’s early November, he wants October’s financials. I give him October’s he tells me he wants the entire year. OK. I give him those. This client isn’t on a calendar year. Well, why didn’t you say so?  It took me forever to find what I was looking for, too, whether it was on the computer or in the office.

It went like that ALL day. Like I was just expected to know stuff. He told me he was expecting me to do journal entries. OF WHAT? WHICH COMPANY? He called me stupid and told me that this job was way beyond my reach. Only because I couldn’t read his mind…

So, yeah. Left him at 4:30 and was one and done.

——

Spent today fighting with Apple. Can’t get a fucking film to download. AGAIN. I’m so sick of having these problems with them. My iTunes account is FILLED with credits for film rentals and music because they’re trying to make it right… Yeah, give me free access to more shit I can’t get.

Also, speaking of Apple issues - it doesn’t recognize my Wacom tablet any more. Somewhere along the line, the mapping between the tablet and the computer got horked. Went in to the system preferences to fix it and I don’t have a recognized tablet.

Also, also - Had to do an online skill assessment and BOOM! Can’t do that either. Their website requires Java. All three of my browsers have Java. Not one of the three worked with their website…

I. AM. FUCKING. DONE.

——

Been queasy all day. Have barely eaten. Heart rate has been elevated… Panic Attack city over here and it’s just been getting worse all day.

——

In other, happy news, I sent off my request for my grandfather’s birth certificate.

Hopefully I have better luck with that than I did everything else.

Migraines and misery and warm fuzzies

sassy benedict is sassy

Where to begin?

I’ve not felt well since Friday, when I walked away from an offer and passed up a third interview.

The self-doubt was paralysing.

Apparently, it was something I should have listened to.

I didn’t even get a second interview at the restaurant… which was the entire reason I walked away from everything else.

So, yeah. Migraines and misery. The stress wasn’t bad enough as it was, so the bipolar cranked it up to eleventy billion.

And now my brain feels like it’s about to crawl out of my eyeballs, noise hurts, food is just a bad idea, and even brushing my hair caused unbearable agony.

I’m absolutely miserable.

I hate myself for walking away.

I hate myself for letting my hope get out of control.

I hate myself for yet another bad employment related decision.

——

But just when I thought I really wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground, I got this comment on “PARIS”...

*stifled whimpers* agh *shattering noise* b-but *sobbing* THERE WAS SPOONING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rolling on the ground in agony* *clutches knees to chest* FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXX THEMMMMMMMM MARTIN YOU IDIOT AND DOUGLAS FUCKING SAY YOU DONT WANT A ONE NIGHT STAND GOD DAMMIT GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES
... i liked it

And then, I got this one:

Please tell me this isn’t how it ends! :( I can’t bear it.  Why can’t they just get it together? This is just not fair.

A little background since you’re probably not reading it - Martin’s crushing on Douglas. Douglas is crushing on Martin. They decide to sleep together in the same bed. (Just sleep, no sex. I am TERRIBLE at M/M sex scenes. Really terrible.) That does wind up with a little bit of Douglas kissing Martin and then Martin freaks out and pulls away. Then he initiates a kiss, and Douglas pulls away. Martin assumes that all Douglas wants is a one night stand… which couldn’t be farther from the truth. At any rate, the chapter ends with Douglas throwing Martin out of his bed and the two end up heartbroken and in their own beds. There may or may not be a little crying going on.

It’s a real downer of an ending. It’s terrible and I am so sorry that that’s the way it went, but…

Basically, at this point, it’s all dictation. The boys ignored the arc of the trilogy. They definitely wanted to stretch out the tale of their relationship (remember when it bloated to five parts?) and it was hard to reel them back in. So, this happened.

I’ve been getting comments on the Johnlock and “HARTFORD” on how sweet and fluffy they are, and then I write this heartbreaking shit.

I’m amazed with the way I pulled it off and I’m more amazed at the reactions I received.

I knew that I was doing something right when I got that first comment. I really knew I was doing something very right when I got the second. To know that my writing that has that much power… it’s humbling and exciting.

I highly doubt I’ll ever publish a book like I wanted to when I was younger - and, really, I don’t even want to try any more - but publishing little crappy bits of fan fiction is fulfilling enough.

It really is.

And I’m just going to focus on the fact that I do have talent and that people like what I spent months on. That the four (five?) different drafts were worth it. That the extra hours of editing BEFORE I click post are worth it…

Thank you, one and all, who kudo, comment and simply stop by to read.

You certainly made the lingering ick of the last few days bearable.

Now, if I could only get rid of this fucking migraine.

Remember, remember, the 10th of November.

jawn noticed my cheekbones

It seems so weird to me that two of my most favourite people in the world share a birthday, but maybe it shouldn’t.

I’ve known them both for just about the same amount of time, but I’ve only met one of them in person.

That situation really needs to rectify itself.

BEFORE I move across the ocean and live near the one I’ve already met.

I’m just sayin’ that there are plenty of haunted spots in New England that are worthy of exploration…

At any rate, I’m lucky that they exist. (And that they share the same birthday so it’s easier to remember.)

——

I’ve been more active on AO3 lately, trying to take the edge off the boredom and make some new friends… it’s paying off in terms of exposure. In the past week, my Johnlock has gotten about 50 - 100 new hits.

Current stats, so I can compare in the future:

PARIS: 10 subscribers, 504 hits, 23 kudos, 2 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

HARTFORD: 10 subscribers, 433 hits, 23 kudos, 8 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

IT WAS ALWAYS THERE: 1 subscriber, 1018 hits, 11 kudos, 0 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

50 shades of grey

There’s been A LOT (too much) of discussion over Sherlock and John’s sexuality within the fandom. I’ve seen battle lines drawn over whether or not Johnlock is a bromance or a homosexual relationship. I generally lean to bromance, but I’m trying something new for NaNoWriMo.

I’m pretty open to a lot of different types of Johnlock fan fic, but I don’t necessarily hold to the (practically canon) fandom view that Sherlock’s an full blown ace and John’s Sherlock-sexual. While trying to make their relationship work within the confines of my NaNo disaster (see: reduced to writing pr0n), I ended up doing a metric shit ton of research.

Holy motherfuck is there a lot of grey in terms of sexuality.

I’m not stupid. I know there’s not One True Sexuality (unless you’re a close minded… oh, fuck it. You know where I stand on that particular issue.), but to see all the labels that people are applying to themselves, in an attempt to build a sense of community, was kind of mind-blowing.

So, that said, here’s my head canon on the Johnlock sexuality question:

Although, John *could* technically be called “Sherlock-sexual’ (gah. that label needs to die a painful death), he’s actually straight, with a preference for men (MSM). I find John’s sexuality most interesting because it really breaks down the borders and limitations that people assign to straight people.

I love this quote:
“This line of thinking is not necessarily true. In fact, it’s often not the case at all! You can fantasize about all kinds of activities that have everything, or very little, to do with your sexual orientation. You can engage in and even enjoy sexual acts that are the complete opposite to what your sexual orientation really is.” 

So. Easy peasey, mac and cheesey: MY John is straight because that’s his sexual orientation. Behaviour is not the same as orientation. Period. End of discussion.

Sherlock - oh, Sherlock. Now that’s a fucking rabbit hole of epic proportions.

And one I jumped into with both feet.

After reading about this for three hours (yep, I’m an expert now, bitches!), I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that MY Sherlock is demisexual / homoromantic. (I’m considering Sherlock to be gay because of the way he answers John’s questions about boyfriends / girlfriends.)

a) Demisexual: According to one hypothetical model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person’s looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.

b) Homoromantic: A person who is romantically attracted to a member of the same sex or gender. Homoromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of reasons, including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not necessarily sexually attracted to their romantic partners.

(H/T to asexuality.org for both definitions)

I’m sure once (IF) my little casefic goes live on AO3, I’ll hear something about my little head canon ideas of the Johnlock sexuality question.

And that’s completely fine.

I think that this is a conversation that needs to be had, because this is a completely fascinating world…

Sexuality isn’t black and white, and neither is the relationship between Sherlock and John.

In ACD canon, the relationship between the two men tends to be a little questionable.

As far as the BBC canon is concerned, Moffat and Cumberbatch hold that Sherlock is an ace. Freeman, on the other hand, considers “Sherlock” to be the gayest show on the telly.

Abso-fucking-lutely fascinating.

Maybe I should have gotten into psychology or literature as a major…

If I had had any idea doing this sort of research and applying it to the written word would be THIS much fun, I would have tried to make a living out of it.