Dirty laundry

August 16, 2009 :: 3:46 PM


with pigtails and c :: manchester, ct :: late 70s

I’m going to go a little raw here - it’s important to me to put this out here, no matter the cost. The relationships that may be damaged by this are already pretty screwed up beyond repair anyway. I don’t have anything to lose.

I saw a family member that I had distanced myself from yesterday. We did lunch before I headed to the Instrument show. It was odd. Uncomfortable, even. But it got better.

We were both only children and our moms were not only cousins, they were very close. As a result, as we grew up, we treated each other as if we were practically sisters.

That all ended the day my mother died and my family went ka-blooey.

Her mother had gotten 10% of my mother’s estate and my mother’s sister got 90%.  My mother’s will specifically stated, “To my daughter, to whom I gave everything in life, I leave nothing in death.” (Yeah, you read that right.) My father had to sue my aunt to get my share of the estate. (Minor children in CT are entitled to that by law. I got a whopping $2K. It was nothing compared to what was in the estate… and the money in the estate was my father’s money. My mother chose to stay home and drink all day. grrrrrr. *stabby*) My aunt also filed a restraining order against my father and I… She claimed her attorney “misunderstood” and that she merely asked him to tell my father to stop sending my mother’s mail to her. Um, she was the executrix of the estate and the ink was still wet on the divorce papers. Of course everything came to my father. 

At the same time, Mom’s cousin had sent me photos she had taken of my mother in her casket. Yup. Again, you’ve read that right.

As you can clearly see… KA-BLOOEY! It’s a wonder I don’t need therapy. (Seriously, three shrinks cleared me. Said I was amazingly well-adjusted despite all this.)

So, seeing C yesterday was a little f’ed up. I was ready to move past what her mother had done and I decided to go for it.

I’m beyond thrilled that I did.

As we sat on her front steps, we shared secrets.

I found out that the motivation behind the photos was not meant to hurt me… it was something her mother found comforting and that she thought I’d find the same comfort. I didn’t. Not at all. Not even close. But, now, I have a much different view of her actions… and I appreciate the thought even if it skeeved me out to the point where I had to burn the pictures to make sure I’d never see them again.

I also found out that my wonderful, amazing, aunt - the woman I considered my real mother - screwed me. Apparently, mom’s cousin was going to turn some cash over to me, and my aunt intervened and took it all.

I expected to be angry at my aunt’s betrayal. I expected to be hurt. I wanted to get angry. I wanted to be hurt.

Instead, I felt pity.

I mean, how screwed up do you have to be to do that to someone? Retrospect being 20/20 and after hearing the comment that served as the final nail in the coffin, I really shouldn’t have been surprised by how selfish she was back then. I know she had a hard life… but I also know she’s never been able to let certain things go and that it’s turned her soul black.

It is what it is, right?

I spent most of the ride from Ellington to Norwich chewing on those two little bits of historical trivia. I decided it wasn’t worth dwelling over - the one relationship is dead. Beyond dead and it was before I knew this. I’ve tried to reach out to my cousins, but there’s a definite block there… and maybe I should finally recognize the fact that we have no future. The other relationship, on the other hand, is definitely salvageable and worth repairing.

Clarity. Closure. Cookies.

High school honeys

August 12, 2009 :: 9:36 PM


with josh :: hungry tiger, manchester, ct :: august 8 2009

So, I was going to write an entry about that guy in that picture above, and wouldn’t you know it? iTunes decides to play Sting’s “Fields of Gold”.  Kind of fitting because back in the day, he was a HUGE Sting/Police fan.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot since Saturday night.

(No. Not THAT way. Those days are over. Ancient history.)

I’d be a little weirded out by that, but it happens every few years. The last time it happened, he had made me a mix tape.  It was, and will probably remain, the BEST. MIX. TAPE. EVAR. There’s just something about it. I don’t know if it’s the songs, the song order, or what, but it just *fits* my musical tastes… and that’s with bands I’ve never even heard of! At some point, I did comment somewhere about how freaky it is that he still knows me that well. I still pull it out and listen to it every few months. One day, I’ll digitize it and rip it to a CD. Would make my life *so* much easier!

I frame my life in terms of before my mother died / after my mother died / college / ohio / after my father died - he has been there, in my life, for each of those phases. Maybe not up front and center, but there are very few people I’m still in contact with who can say they were in that odd purgatory with me between my mother’s death and college. I already mentioned how excited I was to see him and what it meant to me to be able to thank him in person for that letter he sent me. But there’s more to it than that.

There’s always more.

I’m proud of him. So very proud of him. His path through life had a few more detours than it maybe should have, but he’s finally got a college degree, knows what he wants to be when he grows up and has a girlfriend who seems to be very good for him. (I hope we get to meet at some point… Maybe the four of us will take in a hockey game - or several - after all!)

He was my first real love - outside of Soulmate Boy - and I guess all the smooshy people are right. You never do forget that first love.

I don’t have the best track record with keeping people in my life after we “break up”, but I’m fortunate that he keeps turning up. It sounds weird, I’m sure, but his presence in my life is soothing. It’s one of the reasons I go back to his mix every few months. He knew me back then and he knows me now. We didn’t talk much about how much the bipolar & subsequent cocktail has changed me, but I am curious to see if I’ve changed at all in his eyes. He hasn’t changed at all. He’s still dorky, musically inclined, and did I say dorky? Oh.  I did. Well, he is dorky - but it’s a cute, endearing dorky.

Ever since instrument came into my life, so have a bunch of people - both old and new - who have enriched my life. (And yes, a certain bulldozer deserves ALL the credit for introducing me to Instrument, but if they don’t know how much I appreciate that, then they deserved the Spank Heard Around The World. *ahem*) I love being back in touch with all these people and knowing they’re here makes my life so much better.

Night out getting crazy stupid with friends (and a pony)? $5 cover.

Reunion with high school sweetheart? Priceless.

America’s pasttime & Instrument - how can you go wrong?

August 10, 2009 :: 2:01 PM


instrument :: bleachers, bristol, ct :: july 19, 2009

Hey guys!

Instrument is playing a set before the Connecticut Defenders* / Erie SeaWolves game this weekend at Dodd Stadium.  They will also be throwing out the first pitch!

Game is Saturday at 6:35, but the band is recommending you get there around 5 if you want to see them play.

Tickets are $8 and you can get them through the band. Email: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

*The CT Defenders are the old Norwich Navigators and play at Dodd Stadium.

If you’re in the area, come out! I’d love to see you there.


August 09, 2009 :: 1:44 PM


braids, boobs, big mistake :: da ‘brook :: august 8, 2009

I hate posting pictures of myself online - especially the crappy self-portraits I’ve been taking of late, but this *so* captures yesterday.

I went to (surprise!) Connecticut to see Instrument play the Hungry Tiger. 

There was a quick dinner at Shady Glen with some friends from college (including a now-Belgian!) and then we headed to Mischief Central.  I decided to wear an old t-shirt, just because I could (and it matched the Thuja socks better than any other clean blue t-shirts living in my closet).  BiG MiSTAKE was to yesterday what Instrument is to today, and there was a hidden agenda to the decision. It was the right decision. It did not go unnoticed and the conversation was very welcome and generated a double entendre shout out from the stage. It’s the little things. *snicker*

I think my most, most favorite part of the night was talking to the lead singer of Black Mountain Symphony. He recognized me from Albany - “Hey, New Hampshire!” - and blew my mind. This is how most new people I’m meeting through Instrument are introduced to me: “She drove all the way from NEW HAMPSHIRE to see us play!” Derek is really good at talking me up when I travel to far-flung locales by myself to see the band. It cracks me up because not a single one of them know my name, only that I’m Instrument’s slave. (I mean “willing volunteer.”)

My second favorite part of last night was seeing my ex-boyfriend from high school. The conversation behind my back went something like this: “Has she seen you yet?” “No.” “We’ll know when she does.” Yeah, I squealed pretty loudly and did so several times. It was so nice to see him again! We ended our relationship on a pretty good note and he is still a valued friend, even if we’re not as close as we used to be. After I moved to Ohio, I got a letter from him telling me that my loss of my mother inspired him to meet his father. He’s really close to that side of his family now and it means a lot to me that he not only reached out to them, but let me know that it was because of me. *So* glad I got to thank him for that letter in person! I was amazed at how comfortable it was to hang out with him again. I missed him and there were many renewed promises of catching some Bruins or Baby B’s/Wolfpack games (Matty Gilroy will most likely wind up in Hartford since they’re the Rangers’ affiliate). We’ll definitely have to introduce the spouses next time.

My third favorite part would have to be the conversation held in a dark corner of the bar. It’s kind of hard to make the recap PG-13, but let’s just say that advice can come from the oddest places and I forgot how “sheltered” some of my friends can be (and conversely, how insane others are. Pot, kettle. Got it. Movin’ on).

I think that Instrument found their perfect opening act. Black Mountain Symphony really compliments their music. They jammed together at the end and that, alone, was worth the price of admission. It’s a shame the guys are from Albany! It’s a little bit of a trek for them…

OK. I’m off to go enjoy my Sunday. Play nice, kids!

Pony has his priorities!

August 08, 2009 :: 12:40 PM


pony loves boobies :: warped tour, hartford, ct :: july 12, 2009

I’m so excited for tonight, it’s not even funny.

There’s something about this group of friends - when you get us together, a bunch of very bad, very immature, very, very, very fun things happen.

I try to be a little grown-up and mature here, and I try not to say things that might come out to bite me in the ass, but… I’m finding it hard to stay on the right side of that self-imposed boundary right now.


Ok. I feel a little bit better.

The braids, the corseted girls, the non-corseted girls, ex-boyfriends, new boy toys, secret lovers, boobs, pony and dear friends are all coming out to play tonight. I’m quite sure it’s going to be a deadly combination.

Manchester, CT may not survive tonight.