with pigtails and c :: manchester, ct :: late 70s

I’m going to go a little raw here - it’s important to me to put this out here, no matter the cost. The relationships that may be damaged by this are already pretty screwed up beyond repair anyway. I don’t have anything to lose.

I saw a family member that I had distanced myself from yesterday. We did lunch before I headed to the Instrument show. It was odd. Uncomfortable, even. But it got better.

We were both only children and our moms were not only cousins, they were very close. As a result, as we grew up, we treated each other as if we were practically sisters.

That all ended the day my mother died and my family went ka-blooey.

Her mother had gotten 10% of my mother’s estate and my mother’s sister got 90%.  My mother’s will specifically stated, “To my daughter, to whom I gave everything in life, I leave nothing in death.” (Yeah, you read that right.) My father had to sue my aunt to get my share of the estate. (Minor children in CT are entitled to that by law. I got a whopping $2K. It was nothing compared to what was in the estate… and the money in the estate was my father’s money. My mother chose to stay home and drink all day. grrrrrr. *stabby*) My aunt also filed a restraining order against my father and I… She claimed her attorney “misunderstood” and that she merely asked him to tell my father to stop sending my mother’s mail to her. Um, she was the executrix of the estate and the ink was still wet on the divorce papers. Of course everything came to my father. 

At the same time, Mom’s cousin had sent me photos she had taken of my mother in her casket. Yup. Again, you’ve read that right.

As you can clearly see… KA-BLOOEY! It’s a wonder I don’t need therapy. (Seriously, three shrinks cleared me. Said I was amazingly well-adjusted despite all this.)

So, seeing C yesterday was a little f’ed up. I was ready to move past what her mother had done and I decided to go for it.

I’m beyond thrilled that I did.

As we sat on her front steps, we shared secrets.

I found out that the motivation behind the photos was not meant to hurt me… it was something her mother found comforting and that she thought I’d find the same comfort. I didn’t. Not at all. Not even close. But, now, I have a much different view of her actions… and I appreciate the thought even if it skeeved me out to the point where I had to burn the pictures to make sure I’d never see them again.

I also found out that my wonderful, amazing, aunt - the woman I considered my real mother - screwed me. Apparently, mom’s cousin was going to turn some cash over to me, and my aunt intervened and took it all.

I expected to be angry at my aunt’s betrayal. I expected to be hurt. I wanted to get angry. I wanted to be hurt.

Instead, I felt pity.

I mean, how screwed up do you have to be to do that to someone? Retrospect being 20/20 and after hearing the comment that served as the final nail in the coffin, I really shouldn’t have been surprised by how selfish she was back then. I know she had a hard life… but I also know she’s never been able to let certain things go and that it’s turned her soul black.

It is what it is, right?

I spent most of the ride from Ellington to Norwich chewing on those two little bits of historical trivia. I decided it wasn’t worth dwelling over - the one relationship is dead. Beyond dead and it was before I knew this. I’ve tried to reach out to my cousins, but there’s a definite block there… and maybe I should finally recognize the fact that we have no future. The other relationship, on the other hand, is definitely salvageable and worth repairing.

Clarity. Closure. Cookies.