Caught in a moment


April 11, 2010 :: 5:45 PM

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bear :: black mountain symphony @ the lucky dog, worcester, ma :: march 31, 2010

So. The new day job is kicking my ass.  I feel like I’m working around the clock. I go in on weekends. I bring work home. I stress all the time over the details. And that’s just doing one company’s books. I was hired to do the books for five different companies - all under the same corporate umbrella. The main company I’m working on right now is a bit of a financial disaster. It’s totally fixable, and we’re on the right path to finally become profitable, but holy cow. This week, I took on the books for company number 2. I’m definitely not complaining, though. I LOVE IT THERE. The people are awesome and Boy Wonder always makes me laugh. I’m fortunate that I went from bouncing paychecks and temper tantrums to working like a dog but having a blast. Definitely a change for the better, and once we get profitable, it will be even more awesome.

I went out to dinner this week with a former co-worker. Her eldest daughter is my age, so from time to time I look to her for motherly advice. Life got completely funked up weird this week, and I really appreciated hearing her take on certain things. I will admit, I giggled like a fiend when she yelled at me for taking jobs at struggling companies and trying to turn them around. I failed at the last job - but only because I was being fought every step of the way. This job, I’m excelling at. Mostly because I’m a superstar. She kept telling me I needed a cape because I’m SUPER TAM! I laugh every time I think of myself at my desk with my cape on. I have GOT to find a cape… and maybe a tiara.

I got busted on Easter Sunday for being at Bean’s instead of Rhode Island for Easter Dinner. Didn’t really enjoy the fact that I was accused of turning my back on them. Telephones work both ways and they always knew where my father was - he would have passed out my information to them. (At least they did know where he was right up until he moved to Ohio and died.) I can’t continually apologize for “disappearing” so that I could take care of myself after my mother died, and I refuse to do it any more. People don’t accept the fact, or would prefer to ignore the fact, that I hated my mother with a fiery passion. I really, seriously, wished her dead all the time. When she died, my father and I did indeed sing, “Ding dong the witch is dead.” (Yes. Yes, we did.) However, I needed some closure and I never got it. I needed to know the woman my father loved, and I never got that chance. Sorry to drop an f-bomb, but that seriously fucked me up. I was broken and I had nowhere to run, no one to fix me. This was a situation of my own doing and I have to live with the choices I made until the day I die. So, yeah, I was in a pretty shitty mood after that conversation.

Thankfully, I was able to stop at the ocean on the way home. Sitting on the rocks, watching the waves crash. That heals me in a way conversations - even really good ones, with the best friends a girl can have - can’t. I connect with my father when I’m near the ocean, smelling the salty air, and it just makes everything better. It didn’t hurt that I had a brand-spankin’-new kayak on the top of my car, either. Today, the Wonder Hubby and I took the kayaks out and cruised around the salt marsh behind our house. If the wind hadn’t sucked so bad, and we hadn’t fought the freaking tide, it would have been a perfect outing. More healing after the crap that came down this weekend. It’s like I’m not allowed to have a fun time without getting shafted on the flip side. Grr… 

Also keeping me on the right side of sane when I can’t get to the water is (surprise!) music. I journeyed into Worcester on a Wednesday night a few weeks ago now and hung out with Black Mountain Symphony. (Check out their new album!) Since I got there too early, I wandered into the bar across the street from the Lucky Dog and ran into the band. (There is nothing like getting a huge hug from Bill!) I helped them lug their gear into the bar, which had the side effect of getting to talk to Bear. He’s such a nice guy. His sister, Annie, is a sweetheart, too. They’re all nice people, really. I’m fortunate that I got to meet them and even more fortunate that I get to call them my friends.

Of course, every outing has to have its defining moment. This one had several - loved getting the shout out from Bill, and did not love being asked if I was Annie’s mother. Dude, I’m not that much older than her! I wasn’t nearly as insulted by that as I was in one of Dave’s friends asked me if I was married to Derek, though. (Yukadoo! A) D’s so *not* my type and B) Seriously? EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!!)  The best part was when J and I went to see BMS again that Friday. The guy that asked was at Friday’s show too, and he was telling the table about how he insulted this girl - some “super fan” from New Hampshire - by asking if she was Annie and Bear’s mom. I couldn’t help myself and told him that if he was going to talk about me, to do it louder so I didn’t have to struggle to hear him. *grin* 

I still smile every time I think of this message Orion posted to my Facebook wall: Hey Tamara! I just wanted to thank you again for coming to see us play so much! We’re grateful for the support and it’s always good to see your friendly face at our shows! It’s really quite encouraging actually smile There’s nothing like being appreciated… and it really makes me want to head up to Albany to see them again since they don’t get down south much.

Water, friends, music, and working like a dog… that’s my life for now and I. Could. Not. Be. Happier.