I am not worried. I am not overly concerned.

moose and pudding :: spn nashcon, nashville, tn :: feb 5, 2012

I hand over the keys to the restaurant’s kingdom to my replacement. If she can make it through the hell that is a Monday, she’ll be just fine. Peachy keen, even. It’s a big step for me… from admitting that my health is at risk to forcing the issue. I’m thrilled to be down to one company. Hopefully I can get everything I’ve been thinking about for the past two years done…

I’m proud to admit that I haven’t needed an ativan in two weeks.

I’m have a private fencing lesson on Tuesday to decide if I need to go back to foil and practice the fundamentals more. I want to learn épée - always have - but I’m kind of on the fence right now. (HA! Did you see what I did there?) I spent a bunch of money on the lamé and foil so I could fence electrically. I mean, there’s no reason I couldn’t fence both, but I don’t know. I used to think I’d want to compete, but I never built the self-confidence I’d need to compete at SFC. Maybe things will be better/different enough at CFC.

I had no idea that Opt+E + whatever letter you wanted accented gave you an acute accent (or since we’re all about the french today, l’accent agut. WHY THE HELL DO I REMEMBER WEIRD SHIT LIKE THAT?!)

I had to move my CMA exam to the end of October. I’m lacking the discipline to sit down and study right now. With the restaurant and everything, there’s just too much going on for me to give it the time it needs. A little disappointed in myself, but the company I bought the study guides from promises that I will pass on the first try… Right now, I’m guaranteed to fail unless I have a lot of lucky guesses. I have barely looked at the study guides.  It’s just not happening. I’ve wanted to get my CMA since I first heard of it. I had to pass on grad school for what’s probably the last time, but I can do this. The time commitment isn’t as psychotic and I think those three little letters would look real purdy after my name. 

J went to the Cape this weekend for JAWSFest and was miserable the entire time. I felt so bad for him… so we’re having a nice long Labor Day weekend away from the kids and then I start my staycation. MY FIRST VACATION IN TWO YEARS. I have no idea what I’ll do with all that time off. Probably be bored to tears. Most likely, I’ll go through the shit ton of pictures I’ve taken over the last year and post them to FB or whatever. I may finally finish my new site. I kind of lost steam when I started getting sick…

Who knows. I’ll probably do nothing but sit on the couch in my jammies and read Shenny fanfic. I still haven’t figured out what the writers’ endgame is with them. Jim and Kaley have amazing chemistry on the screen, and if he weren’t gay, I’d place good money on them hooking up outside of work.  But, you know, he likes boys and she’s not one, so that sucks. The thing that cracks me up about the fanfic is it gets very pr0ny, very quickly. I suppose after 5 seasons of watching them play this sort of emotional chess, you really do want them to just hop in the sack. Shit, if any character could get Sheldon in the sack, it would have to be Penny, since Amy Farrah Fowler can’t get it done. But, I just don’t see Penny easily convincing Sheldon to do something so… unsanitary.

(Why, yes, since you asked, I CANNOT wait for October to come around so I can drool over Even Peters again… I miss AHS. Even if it’s a completely different story/time/characters. I’m a little bummed Violate is over, but you know there will be some other ship I can jump on. It’s also a long ass time until Catching Fire comes out - but I am LOVING the cast they’ve announced so far.)

I tried watching anime for the first time this weekend. Something called “Soul Eater.” Basically, all I got out of it was boobs. Very weird, those Japanese.

J’s sister is here, so I’ve basically sequestered myself in my office. It’s the introvert in me doing the equivalent of pregaming, for want of a better word. I have to be “on” all week with the new hire so I’m trying to build up the energy reserves I’ll need to get through training her. It’s going to be a long week. A VERY long week. Unfortunately, I will be bring my ativan… and heart meds… you never know when you’re going to spaz out, right?

*sigh*

One day at a time…

Wedding Wishes…

skits’ shoes :: clifford, mi :: july 14,2012

When I first met Wendy, I knew her as Skits. Then, she became Bitca. Then, it was Wendy. And now… it’s WendyandMark. She’s always going to be Skits to me, though. It’s just the way I roll, I guess.

Out of all the internet friends at her wedding, I was the only one who didn’t meet her on Facebook or Flickr. I met her back when blogs were the only way to meet people with similar interests. You know, back in the dark days of the internet. Elebenty billion years ago. I didn’t hold that against the Flickr friends, mostly because I was in awe of all the talent and skill surrounding me. If I had been smarter, I would have pulled my camera out and followed most of them around like a little puppy dog.

But, I wasn’t.

I started having some pretty severe panic attacks right before I left to go to the wedding. They were so bad that I was playing phone tag with my drug dealer in airports, hotel rooms and rental cars. Why pull my camera out and show what a talentless fraud I was? I may have a Big Fancy Growed Up Camera, but I still haven’t made the time to really learn how to use it, and I was irrationally terrified that it would show.

After the vows and official pictures were done, all the guests got paper lanterns to set loose in the skies over Michigan. (I lost count of how many UFO jokes were made, but there were quite a few.) I don’t know about the other guests, but as soon as my lantern started begging to be let free, my wish popped into my head.  It was crystal clear and to the point. After I watched my lantern disappear, I felt kind of selfish… why didn’t I wish for happiness for WendyandMark? That her visa comes through quickly?

Well, the universe always knows what it’s doing, even if we don’t.

It took a while, but I was sitting in a hotel room in St. Paul, two weeks later, waiting for another wedding, when the universe started to clue me in that it did hear my wish, and damnit, it was going to come true.

I haven’t fenced in a long time - almost 2 years now, because of work and health issues - but I was getting furious that day about not being able to find any Olympic fencing bouts either on the internet or on TV. (We live in the 21st century. This stuff is commonplace. Why is it so hard to build an app or stream video?!?!) My passion surprised me (still does -if you’ve seen my FB statuses lately you’ll understand that statement), but I knew I wasn’t going back to SFC. I wasn’t comfortable there, which is probably why I’ve not really made the effort to get to open nights. I didn’t know what I was going to do though… only that I wanted to get back into fencing. It’s a hike, but if it works out, I’m going to start fencing again with the CFC. I just need to email them and get some questions answered.

Then came the realization that I had to leave the restaurant. I needed to work for only one company and it had to be SG. Period. My replacement starts on August 13th.

I’m back with my knitting group. Tuesdays have never been so much fun! I like that I’m smart enough (or crazy) to push the limits of what knitting can do and show others how to make it less complicated.

On September 29th, I sit for the CMA exam, part 1. It’s a big deal to me, and I’m terrified I’ll fail on the first try, but I will pass both parts. I’m not going to accept anything less.

In October, I will start marching with the Muchachos Drum and Bugle Corp. Back in the drum line. The one place in any band where I felt like I belonged.

Somewhere in the middle of all that will be a photography class.

Somewhere in the middle of all that will be a week’s vacation.

Somewhere in the middle of all that will be proof that my wish came true…

 

too tired to think of a title

So weird to think that I was the only internet friend at the wedding who was around before Facebook and Flickr.

I have pictures and stories that need to be told at some point. But not right now.

Basically, I’m just poppin’ in to let ya’ll know I’m alive.

*kicks Orion in the shins*

It’s a good thing he’s cute…

For the record, the morse code says:
TAMMY,/HOW’S/YOUR/PHONE/SITUATION/WORKING/OUT?/DID/YOU/FIND/A/CALCULATOR?

I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact that he called me Tammy or that he was making fun of me for being old…

Probably the Tammy.

——

Unrelated: I’m headed to Michigan this coming Saturday for Skits’ wedding!!! Eleven years of friendship and the only two times we’ve met in person will have been at our weddings. The funny thing is that the next time we get to see each other in person will be in 2013 in London, when I’m there for Nick’s wedding. Apparently, there has to be a wedding involved for the two of us to be in the same place at the same time.

How freeing…

... to tell Big Bossman just how emotionally damaged I am.

Looks like the accounting department will be changing again.

WHEN (not if!!!!) it happens, I’ll be back to the company that started this insanity. The company I love working for more than anything. The company that causes the least bit of stress in my professional life (Well, at least since we got rid of A and M…)

The news is not enough to bring me back to stable, it’s not even enough to break through the deep depression I’m in, but it’s enough to look forward to.

That’s about all I can ask for now, so it’s going to have to be good enough…