Hockey face

aaron :: dodd stadium, norwich, ct :: august 15, 2009

“I liked them as people, and I liked the music - and that’s still the case,” he says. “I really like the music.” (Bertis Downs, R.E.M.)

I keep thinking about the conversation Soup and I had outside of Up or On the Rocks last Saturday.  We were talking about groupies vs. friends because Skinny was wearing a “got groupies” t-shirt. I understand that the original dictionary definition isn’t derogatory at all, but it has been twisted over the years and it’s a label I take offense to. There was a point during the show where Soup thanked the “fans” - the group I was with - and then changed it to “friends”.  It’s nice to be thought of that way. During the conversation, I pointed out that with both Instrument and All Crazy, I love the music and the people in the bands. It’s this passion for the music and this connection with the members that makes me travel all over creation to see them. Granted, friends came first with Instrument and the music came first with All Crazy, but the end result is still the same.

Being able to travel the way I do and being able to see my friends doing what they love makes me all kinds of happy. I haven’t have this much fun in a long time. I know it’s kind of silly that I drop everything and rearrange my schedule (see three bands in one day), but it’s probably the most important thing I do for me after hockey.

A long time ago I was told that when I talk about hockey, I get this look on my face. It’s hard to describe but apparently my whole face lights up, my eyes get this insane twinkle and I look massively different.

The bands cause my “hockey face” now.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the three conversations I’ve had and my life’s path. I keep coming back to Bertis Downs. Will my path end at the same place his did? I don’t know. Do I want it to? I don’t know.

Like everything else in my life lately, I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

4 states, 3 bands, 1 day!

soup :: up or on the rocks, hartford ct :: july 4, 2009

Holy crap.

Saturday was INSANE.

I started out in beautiful Downtown Keene, NH. The boys of Instrument were playing Keene’s big music festival. Poor Ben was sick as a dog, but he managed to put on a hell of a show. “11th Hour” rocked!!! Proof again, that with the right sound people, that song is AMAZING. I’m wicked proud of them! They were a big hit with the event’s organizers and it sounds like they will be invited back.

We hung out a bit after the show and apparently, I have D-dar. (My ability to know where D was at one point amused Ben.)  Aaron, Amanda and I continued our bonding in a Subway over stolen sandwiches. We made Ben identify every dog we saw and D was blown away by his ability to find Walkers crisps in a candy store. (We got this entire lecture about how potato chips are called ‘crisps’ in London and how he had prawn ones when he was overseas.) By 3, the boys were exhausted so we had to part ways.

Which meant I had plenty of time to get to UCONN for the Marching Band Preview Show.  (By way of Putney, VT… there’s a yarn store right off of 91N that I had to check out.)

I spent some time with Melissa, Jersey and the kids before moving over to where Steve and Ellen were hanging out. I have to say that it was nice to see a lot of people I knew. So many that I hadn’t seen in YEARS - like since before Ohio. I was so amused - I was with Rittner and we sang the Alma Mater the RIGHT way. (We’re backing our MEN…) But… I don’t know. The band is this whole thing now - they have trucks and a pit and the drums are on stands during warm up. (Seriously, drumline, WTF?!) They’re so big! I mean, the drumline has a cymbal section leader, a bass section leader, a snare section leader and a tenor section leader. It’s just…weird. It’s like they’ve sold their soul to athletics. Oh wait, they did.

That said, I’ll probably rearrange my travel schedule to be back in CT on the 26th. It just seems like the right thing to do.

After the preview show, it was time to go to Hartford and see All Crazy.

I had so much fun at the show! I couldn’t stop shaking my booty and yes, “New Hampshire” was definitely in the house! Spent a lot of time talking to Soup afterwards. We talked a bit about Instrument, groupies vs. friends, and why the hubby doesn’t come out to play as much as we all wish he would. He said something that was kind of in line with what both the Honey and the co-worker had said to me. It really made me think - I’m still thinking about it and wondering how to get there from here. Like I said the other day, this wasn’t the life path I was planning on walking - but this path is MUCH more interesting. And it’s kind of similar to the path one of my (celebrity) heroes took to get where he is today. Hmmmmm.

Since I live so far away, and we have a habit of closing down the bars with the boys in the band(s), everybody gets worried about me driving home. While I am pretty stubborn about making it home, there are plenty of hotels along the Mass Pike and 495N. I’d prefer to not have to stop halfway home, but there is a VERY nice Holiday Inn in Boxboro that I’ll crash at anytime. (Highly recommended, btw.) Anyhoo, Soup always tells me that he worries about me driving home, so last night he gave me his cell phone number. I happily added him to my List O’ People To Text When I Get Home (which is getting incredibly long!).  The married woman scored a boy’s number!

So to recap - New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut and Massachusetts. Instrument, the UCMB, and All Crazy.  All on Saturday.

I get a couple of weeks off and then I’m Cincy bound, baby!

You say liberal like it’s a bad thing…

british museum :: london, uk :: sept 8, 2008

My dad was a staunch Republican, a wicked liberal one, but a Republican nonetheless.

Imagine his surprise when his only child began to show her political leanings.

We argued every election year and the conversations always seemed to end with, “I have no idea how the hell I wound up with a bleeding heart, tree hugging, tax and spend MA liberal as a child.” (I grew up in CT and in the early years had no idea what ‘tax and spend’  and ‘Massachusetts’ had to do with being a liberal… I used to hate it when he’d call me that, but now I’ve grown to love it. I’m not ashamed of what I am.)

The funny thing is, I learned to become a liberal from him. My father truly believed that everyone was created equal. He was offended by the idea that “all animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others.” (That’s from Orwell’s Animal Farm, but it was a common statement in our house.) He held his prejudices - despite the fact that he was my hero, he was still far from perfect - but he recognized them for what they were and taught me to do the same.

He hated “The Kennedys”, but respected Jack and Teddy’s politics. I would learn that he was jealous of the media image of their lives, of the wealth and privilege they portrayed, but at the same time he fully believed in what they stood for. Teddy Kennedy, no matter how conflicted my father was about him, was highly regarded in our house. Don’t get me wrong, my father would complain about him all the time (mostly in a “damn Democrats” kind of vein), but he also admired him. It’s got to be hard to keep to your ideals and beliefs for so long, especially when you’re in the public eye as a member of the government. My dad respected the hell out of him for that.

[Tangent: a few years ago, I volunteered for a Greek organization I had joined in college. I roomed with a member of my alumni chapter at a National Convention and every. single. day. we were there he would tell me how amazed he was that I could stick to my guns day after day. (The organization was known for heavy drinking and I’ve never touched a drop in my life. Will never touch a drop in my life.) It’s a shame my dad was long gone by that point. I think it would have tickled him to hear that.]

Needless to say, the news of Teddy’s passing hit me and hit me hard. It blew my mind how hard it hit me.

I mean, I don’t have a Teddy story. I never met the man. But he touched my life. Big time.

I *do* have a Teddy connection. One that means a lot to me.

As a bipolar person, I’m protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990. While I keep the bipolar mostly under control with medication, there are definitely days when I don’t feel like I can exist in the ‘real world’. Between the crippling depression and the destructive mania, there are more than a few days a month when I’m a liability to my employer, my friends, my family and myself. I don’t ever want to take advantage of the opportunities offered to me by the law, but I’m glad it’s there.

I’m going to Washington DC next year. It’s something my dad and I always talked about… I really want to see The Wall for myself so I can fully appreciate what I had (more than I already do…my dad could have been one of those names!) and I HAVE to go to Arlington. I’ve always wanted to go to Arlington, too, but now I NEED to go. I HAVE to say goodbye to Teddy. I couldn’t/wouldn’t go to any of the activities that were held locally, but I will mourn him, my own way, in my own timeframe…

Thank you, Teddy. For everything. You will be missed.

Disgust

jonah :: dodd stadium, norwich, ct :: august 15, 2009

(Using the picture of Jonah again since it was posted on an entry that’s since been removed. Sorry, I like it.)

Lately, I’ve got this “I don’t really like my friends” feeling. It’s not ALL my friends, really… just one in particular, but some days its easier to not like all of them than to keep thinking about the one on an endless loop. (Division = distraction? I don’t know… it’s just how I’m rolling lately.)

From random comments that were totally unnecessary, to engaging in stupid, dangerous activities, they’re just disappointing me left and right.

It’s a person I would have taken a bullet for and trusted to do the same for me. Or I used to.

Which brings me to this whole trust thing.

We don’t always trust the right people and from the outside it may look like they don’t deserve our trust, but it’s what happens over a certain amount of time that solidifies whether or not they’ve earned it. I’ve written before about my Tower of London - the walls you have to breach before I take a bullet for you. It’s not like I’m all “I’d trust you with my life” after 5 minutes. You may THINK I trust you because I’m an open book with you, but you only get to hear what I think you deserve. Romantic involvement (or rumors thereof) or big time crushes aren’t enough to justify that kind of trust. Again, there needs to be a certain history of give and take and proving that you’re worthy. Which is a HUGE reason why their disappearance from my life is killing me. When someone puts you in a position where your friends are worried about your safety, it’s time to let them go.

No. Matter. What.

You would think I would have learned that in the 90’s when I physically restrained him, a suicidal Marine. Little me vs. big, ol’ strong him - I got really lucky he didn’t hurt me. Despite giving him the boot immediately after that, I continued to hold out hope. Then, he reentered my life, caused real physical issues, and I knew I had to say good-bye for good.

I KNOW I can never trust him again…

and it’s freaking killing me emotionally.

It’s not helping that people have gotten involved in this little drama because it’s got nothing to do with them. I really, really, really want to match venom with venom but I’ve opted instead for passive aggression. It’s not a path I’m comfortable taking, but there’s no way I’m going to let the comments slide. Especially when they were among the “let it go” camp, but now that I’m needed and I refuse to help, they forget that.

Hold on, kids. It’s about get interesting around here.

Identity

ben :: dodd stadium, norwich, ct :: august 15, 2009

(Using this picture again since the original post it was featured in has been taken down. Sorry, but I like it!)

I went out to dinner with a friend on Wednesday and we were talking about various things, but the conversation kept coming back to key facets of my personality.

I had had an interesting conversation with the Honey at the Hungry Tiger show a few weeks ago which hit on a lot of the same points.

It’s very interesting to me to see that both of them came to the same conclusion from two very, very, very different angles.

On the drive home from Portsmouth, both conversations kept playing in my head and it struck me that not only is 2009 the year of clarity, closure, cookies and stupid boys, it’s also the year that I started to really define who I am.

I came to terms with my relatives. Some I’ve let go for good, despite wishing things could be different. It was hard to decide to let them back in, but surprisingly easy to say goodbye.  It’s true: apples don’t fall far from their trees… and I knew exactly what type of apples they were. On the other hand, I let some back in. I’m working on letting them in all the way. Any of the reasons I had to distance myself from them have since been resolved. I honestly thought the results would have been the opposite of the reality. Eh. I’ve been known to be wrong.

I’m still struggling to come to terms with the end of my relationship with Soulmate Boy. I’ve defined our friendship for so long as what it used to be. Slowly, I’m getting comfortable with the idea that he’s not really my soulmate any more. That person is dead. He died back in the late 1990s. This new person? I don’t really see a future with him anymore. I’m still searching for news on his arrest and the related drama, but last week, I received a good, solid, beat-down with a massive clue x four. Things haven’t been OK between us for a long time and they will never be again.

I’m working towards getting comfortable with my Ukrainian heritage. After one meeting, I was named the co-president of the Boston chapter of the UNWLA. I had a complete breakdown at the UkieFest. I’ve got software to help me learn the basics, and I have a 40 year old “My First Dictionary”. Pronunciation issues aside, I’ll at least be able to write the language. Kind of. Sort of. I hope. We’ll see where it goes. The HUGE Ukie Festival in Toronto is the weekend of my father’s birthday and I’m feeling like a road trip might be in order. This becoming who I am (a Ukrainian-American, if you haven’t been following along) is definitely not a someday/maybe thing anymore, that’s for sure. 

I’m building a new social circle… people I went to college with, people I went to high school with, and other assorted people. I used the network I built at the GTD Summit to help out our Best Man. I’ve become “New Hampshire!” to several people. I get shout outs in bars. I GO to bars. (That last statement alone is mind blowing.) I’ve stopped having panic attacks when I go to places by myself. I’m finally becoming comfortable being a more social creature.

And let’s not forget the boys of Instrument. Apparently, I have “MAJORLY found my happy” by hanging out with them and helping them out. Granted, I can’t get motivated to finish the fan site, but I’m active on the @instrumentfans twitter stream (even if it is nothing but reminders of shows and stuff… at least it’s out there), trying hard to keep the Facebook group up, taking pictures, and helping them when they’re on the road far from home and when they need some down and dirty graphic stuff (like the @instrumentband twitter background). I’m the first to admit that I do bitch a lot about the travel, but at the same time I find it so rewarding. So, I’m going to make an effort to STFU about the travel and just focus on the fun.

A few years ago, when my father passed away, and I started really wondering who I was, I never thought I’d be the person I’ve become today. I haven’t really walked the path that I chose to take when the decision was made to move back to New England. I wander off of it all the time, but I do come back from time to time, to kind of “check in” I guess. I’ll eventually become the person I want to be…

It’s just that throwing out the map and taking the scenic route makes me a much better me. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!