Right here, right now, there is no other place I wanna be

After being in a deep dark depression for a while now, the sun broke through and I was pretty manic yesterday.

It was a nice change and once I ended up coming down from the high, I’m feeling pretty stable.

There’s also a lot of stuff that has helped my Happy come back home:

I’m headed to Schenectady, NY for a BMS show tonight and I’ll have a thumb drive with me for Mr. Big C-Rollz full of all kinds of yummy goodness. I’m excited to give it to him. I’m also excited to see a few others and… converse with them about various topics.

I went to Brookline, MA last night to see Jenny Lawson. Amazing to meet one of my heroes… I don’t even have the words. Too fucking cool.

I’m headed to London in 2013 to Nick’s wedding. Another thing I don’t have the words for… our friendship has been through a lot over the years, and he was one of the first friends I ever made on the internet. We’re talking over 10 years. So weird. So very, very weird.

I just sold the land so I don’t need to worry about trespassers getting hurt and suing me. That’s someone else’s problem now. I can also lower the liability policy I added to my homeowner’s so I can start paying less to the insurance company.

This week, the River has been playing the ‘right’ song when my alarm has gone off. The Decemberist’s “Calamity Song” (which is more R.E.M.-y than anything the band has released since leaving IRS), The Mats’ “Alex Chilton” (a day after Jodi’s birthday and Jodi is a huge Mats’ fan), and two Florence + The Machine songs, which I can’t remember. That’s pretty impressive, although there was a span of time where they played R.E.M. between 5:30 and 6 AM almost daily. (I’m a bad person - I tend to snooze for about a half hour.)

AND - I got a save the date from an unexpected person… although it said “No, I’m not getting married. That would be stupid.” I finally got the info on what I was saving the date for and I’m excited to go. I never thought I’d be among the people they would invite to something like this, but I guess we are friends after all. It’s an unique friendship… we basically do nothing but poke each other on FB, and we never talk. At all. Until I get these random messages.

I’m feeling pretty blessed right now and I hope it’s enough to keep the bipolar behaving for a while. I’d like to be stable for more than a day…

This is what really matters…

sometimes, you just need to hear it from an unexpected source…

I’ve had a pretty bad two weeks at work - spent doing everything EXCEPT my job - and it’s been taking a huge toll on me.

To the point where I had a temper tantrum and then someone had to step up and fight for me, because I don’t have the words.

The words I would USE, if I could say them out loud, would be along the lines of:
I’m protected under the ADA, and I hate to throw that out there, but I don’t think that what I’m asking for is unrealistic.

You hired me because I was good at what I do. You’ve kept me on because I’ve always gone above and beyond what you’ve asked and expected of me.

I’m so broken, and I have been for a while now. Everything is falling apart, and I don’t even know the person you hired.

All I’m asking for is you to cut me some slack.

You’ve been doing the right things for me for a while, even if you don’t know it:

- the private, quiet place where I can hide and protect my coworkers from myself

- the assistant what was supposed to lessen my workload

- the restructuring of the finance department to really lessen my workload

But this new thing is out of control and you’ve hired someone to do what you’re asking me. It’s far out of my realm of knowledge and nothing I want to learn anytime soon. I don’t know why they don’t want to do their job. I don’t know why they think I want to run this show. I don’t want any part of it. Not one fucking bit.

I’m sorry if someone fought for me and won, but I’m not going to apologize for the work that got dumped on your plate. Hold a grudge. Hate me forever.

Do it.

I bet you can.

But I’m tired of letting you help drive me to the brink. I’m putting my foot down and setting boundaries.

You’re not going to win because if I have to choose, you’re going to lose.

This is my life you’re fucking with.

And it ends now.

So, yeah. Someone had to say all that on my behalf… and while I’m embarrassed, and ashamed, I’m forever grateful.

To make myself feel better, I’m looking at my red dress pictures and the message I was sent on Facebook. It reminds me that I am not my job. That I am a person. A sick person, to be sure, but a person nonetheless.

A SEXY person.

 

Quick! Call the medics!

man down :: nubble light :: may 27, 2012

Both by popular request and because I love it - boobs and all.

I get the weirdest shit stuck in my head from time to time.

Lately, I’ve been waking up with Florence + the Machine’s “Only If For A Night” stuck in my head. But just one part of it. The same part. Every morning.

The grass was so green against my new clothes
And I did cartwheels in your honor, dancing on tiptoes
My own secret ceremonials before the service began,
In the graveyard, doing handstands.

And I heard your voice as clear as day,
And you told me I should concentrate,
It was all so strange, And so surreal,
That a ghost should be so practical.



Dad’s been on my mind a lot more than usual lately. For a lot of reasons… and I have no doubt that this definitely has something to do with that.

In a weird kind of way, it reminds me of running around St. Mike’s looking for my Godfather… both oddly fitting, and oddly inappropriate.

Just another bit of me being me, I guess.

I am me… for better or worse.

red dress :: nubble light :: may 27, 2012

My original photo shoot got screwed up by work (big surprise), so I dragged J out with me this morning.

He’s definitely not a photographer, and I’m definitely not a model, but we made it work. A little.

The Nubble is a sacred place to me and since I couldn’t do the Boston Public Garden, it felt like the right place. I love that he got this shot… I was sitting there thinking about my dad and what he would think about this whole thing.

You can’t see the other two talismen on me: my chucks and my mockingjay pin. But they were an important part of this.

I went out there and felt incredibly ridiculous - the insecurity was out of control - but my favorite picture is actually the one where I almost fell off the rock I was sitting on. (Maybe in another post…)

Of course, me in a corseted ball gown was just asking for a boob shot. You know it’s a good one when you get a dirty message from an unexpected source. I may or may not be blushing a little bit over here.

The shots aren’t beautiful, well composed, and don’t really show my face at all, but they capture me:

Clumsy, introspective and gifted with a halfway decent rack.

 

July: Month of Midwestern Weddings…

My dance card is filing up for July.

Almost literally.

There’s two weekends still available - if you’re getting married in July, and want me there, better send me your invite / save the date!

When it rains, it pours…