Weightless

ukrainian dancers :: soyuzivka, kerhonkson, ny :: july 18, 2009

When I was younger, around my late teens, my father used to ask me why I was so bitter all the time. He wanted to know where the chip on my shoulder came from.

I could only tell him my truth: that I didn’t have a chip on my shoulder. That I wasn’t bitter.

Hoo-boy, was I a liar. Talk about your whoppers!

After the Warped Tour, I had decided to free myself from people who I decided were running/ruining my life. I had three very specific people in mind.

I’ve let go of two of them. (I think we all know who # 3 is…)

I’m no longer waiting for the time bomb to appear in my mailbox. I made my peace with that decision (again). As it gets later in the year, the likelihood that the bomb will even show up is becoming less. I’m not as bothered by that as I thought I’d be. Mistakes were made, distance was created and I was a fool to think things would ever be any different. I can’t continue to let those words beat me. I know the truth. He had nothing to do with it and her assertion is… well, it’s just asinine. She was never there. She doesn’t know what happened and pointing fingers at him only proves just how clueless she is. I’ve hated her for a long time - really hated her - and I didn’t realize that. I’d buried it pretty deep because just thinking of those five little words caused me more pain than any person should bear. I’ve brought it up before, with friends, but I didn’t know the extent of the pure hatred I felt for this woman. I woke up a day or two after making my declaration (Illegitimi non carborundum), and *poof*. It was over. I knew I was free.

Such a weird feeling.

I had no idea I was in for something even more intense…

Person number 2 was my mother.

I’ve hinted at our screwed up relationship, I think I’ve even come right out and said I hated her as well… Nothing about the woman I remember has ever brought me joy. In fact, everything that I remember about her only brings pain, confusion and anger to the party. I do not have a single good memory of her. There are pictures of me, with her, where we’re both smiling, so I don’t doubt that our relationship was healthy at some point. I just can’t remember those days.

One of the things that happens when you become an orphan (at least in my case), is an undeniable need to find out who you are. I became obsessed with learning about my Ukrainian heritage, but it was too soon. Recently, as has also been documented here, I’ve begun to take baby steps to rectify that. I had no idea just how important that was to my well-being.

Since I got back from Soyuzivka, my entire world feels like it’s become the Bizzaro world. I’ve been “blissed out” as I’ve been putting it. I haven’t felt like this since I began taking my bipolar cocktail and the voices in my head decided to STFU. I can’t describe the feeling of peace that has come over me. I feel like I’ve been reborn and I am more than amused by the fact that some of my friends don’t know what to do with me or who I am lately.

When I decided to go to Ukie Fest, I had a certain set of expectations. It exceeded those expectations in ways I hadn’t even considered -  both good and bad. Going there forced me to come face-to-face with what my mother had taken away from me. It also made me realize just what she had given me. Her stubbornness. Her temper. Her passion. That damn chip on my shoulder. The revelation didn’t really come to me until today… but I noticed that something was “off” after my buzz lasted for more than a few days. Getting over person # 1 wasn’t that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, so I knew it had to be bigger than that. What could possibly be bigger?

Yup.

I can’t quite put my finger on WHY I know I’m finally free of her, but I know I am. Maybe a portion of it is due to passing the milestone I’ve spent seventeen years dreading. I think more of it has to do with the fact that for the first time in almost *cough* 25 years *cough*, I felt pity for her.  I felt empathy for her. For a moment, no matter how brief it was, nor how quickly it passed, I actually saw her as a PERSON. Not the drunk monster I grew up with. It only took me 2/3 of my life to get here, but I’m cool with that. Especially when I figured that day would never come.

I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I don’t forget. I can’t - especially when the scars are still visible. I’ve never been much for forgiving, either. If you managed to hurt me that badly, I don’t really think you deserve my forgiveness. I can’t call the resolution of either one of these situations a “forgive and forget” type of thing, but I’ve definitely come to terms with them.

Finally.

My way.

Damn, it feels good.

For me - not you

Charlie Harper: So, how big difference are we talking about ?
Kandi: It’s *huge*.
Charlie Harper: Really?
Kandi: Oh yeh. With you sex is kinda like going on Space Mountain. It’s a good ride, but there’s never any real danger.
[Charlie looks a little puzzled]
Kandi: With Alan it’s like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple times, but he’ll get you there.
—Two and a Half Men

You never get exchanges like that in reality TV…

Feelin’ groovy!

skinny :: up or on the rocks, hartford, ct :: july 4, 2009

Fast lane, fast lane
I’m driving in the fast lane, fast lane
And it’s getting hard to maintain
Because I’m guilty of some bad things, bad things, bad things
Can’t change, can’t change
‘Cuz I’m already insane, insane…
- Fast Lane (All Crazy)

(hear the rest on their MySpace page!)


I’m still feeling all zen about life. This surprises me to no end.

I decided not to renew several subscriptions and I didn’t re-up my memberships in several organizations.  Too much physical clutter weighing me down. 

I’ve been letting go of people, too. That sounds rough, but there’s a lot of emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around. I’ve followed the advice Meg Edwards gave me at the GTD Summit (a version of what she told me was later posted on GTDTimes - Is that a problem or a project?). It’s hard to separate the emotion from the reality, but I’m getting better at letting go of the people who have dragged me down for too long.

Except, of course, for Soulmate Boy.

Despite him being a major stumbling block, I’ve managed to let go of some people who came back into my life recently who really have no reason to be there in the first place. All I have to say is Facebook is evil. It’s hard to hide from people (friends of friends and all that sort of thing) and it’s worse when you reach out to them, only to discover that you don’t fit in each other’s lives. Ugh.  We used to be friends. USED to. There’s a reason we lost touch after jr. high/high school… But at the same time, I’m trying to reconcile first impressions and the reality of my Brave New World. The battle lines have changed and the enemy should no longer be viewed as such. Maybe.

So yeah, big adult things going on over here. But, really, when am I not in over my head with some kind of personal drama?

I’m just getting better at dealing with it, I guess.

In other news, I’m dragging the hubby to Hartford on Saturday to see All Crazy. Again. There’s just nothing as important to me as live music… I’ve been rearranging my life to make it to all of Instrument’s shows and now, I’m working on doing the same for All Crazy. There’s something about going to a small bar and just letting loose. As I’ve said before, it’s great when you get to know the guys in the band, too. I never meant to have any sort of relationship with Soup or Skinny, but I love that they recognize me and interact with me.  Speaking of interacting…

I’m slowly easing back into GTD at home so I can dive full-bore into the Instrument marketing stuff I’ve been letting slide. (It helps when he pressures me to perform well.) I’ve known I’m the internet guru for a while now, but I’m happy that he’s letting me do more for them. For a while there, I was feeling left out… I think the marketing ideas ebb and flow and the roles have changed a bit. I’m not going to question it.  Rolling with the punches is all part of my new outlook on life. (I’m rolling with the punches to avoid the bruises - All Crazy)

Anyone else starting to wonder what happened to the real me?

Yeah, I am, too…

Nai tebe kachka kopne!

the amazing jonah gold :: hungry tiger, manchester, ct :: june 25, 2009

I had a wonderful weekend - I saw the great towns of Albany, Kerhonkson, and Bristol. I got to spend time with good friends, the voices in my head, and some new friends. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so good.  An insane amount of stress and unhappiness was lifted from my shoulders. 

Friday night, I drove to Albany, NY and watched Instrument play at Valentine’s. It was a surprise to the boys and I loved the reception I got. It’s always good to hear someone say, “We were talking about you on the drive here.” It was good to hear D tell the lead singer of a different band who I was and what I mean to them.  NOT cool when the guy called me a groupie, but he apologized. Probably didn’t have anything to do with the look of death I shot him. *grin*.  I got a lot of people on their mailing list and sold 2 CDs, which prompted D to offer me a raise of double my salary.  Ben then decided that quadrupling my salary was a better idea. (Well, why not? They’re paying me $0, but it sounds good.) Jonah and I hung out a bit - love that he kept calling me “Sassy” and tried to dance with me. One days, these boys will learn I am all kinds of clumsy…

Saturday, I headed to Soyuzivka, in Kerhonkson.  It’s a Ukrainian camp that’s an hour and a half southwest of Albany, and they were hosting a Ukie Cultural Festival.  THAT was seriously messed up.  My grandparents used to go there. My mother used to go there. I’d never been. It was oddly painful to see all the people who knew each other, to see the people my age who spoke fluently and traveled in groups, to see the young kids who didn’t know a different life… A life like mine. I was definitely in the minority. I don’t speak a word of Ukie and I felt like such an outsider.  It wasn’t pleasant by any means, but it was something I needed to do. I was fine (mostly) until I visited the little sales booths. I grew up with all the stuff the booths were selling - embroidered table runners, wooden psyanky, ukie patterned vases, certain books - and seeing it all laid out made me cry. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I used the word “robbed” a lot to describe my feelings. My mother rebelled against her parents and brought me up as an American.  Not Ukrainian. Not even Ukrainian-American. American. And that just really pisses me off.  Of all the things I’ve hated my mother for, this is a huge one…

Sunday found me back in Connecticut. Again with the boys of Instrument. They were playing in an all-day music festival at a bar in Bristol.  They had arranged the whole thing - I hadn’t known that before, but knowing it now, it made me really glad that I spent all day at the bar watching the other acts. My friend Henry the Hippy was there and we talked about his Masters degree in Nutrition. Currently, he’s taking Biochemistry and Anatomy. We had a great time talking about my heart. He was fascinated by what I knew, and his knowledge was equally fascinating. I even had a surprising conversation with someone and made someone else smile. Mind you, these are two people I had never really planned on interacting with, but ya gotta start sometime, right? After everything, maybe it’s time to listen to Reagan—“Tear down this wall!” Who knows what will happen. I’m keeping a more open mind, that’s for sure.

I spent all weekend thinking about very little. There was a lot to run away from - Soulmate Boy, some friends with ruffled feathers, the clue by four an old friend was wielding - and I did a very good job getting some much needed distance between me and the crapfest my life had become. I came home feeling very calm and happy. I refused to let things bother me.  I can’t change the past, only today and tomorrow… this thing with Soulmate Boy isn’t going to go anywhere any time soon, but I came to terms with the feather ruffling and the things that required the clue by four attack. I’m getting better at this grown-up thing.

I used to say that if I had known the path my journey would take, I would have stayed home… now, I’m all about packing the map and hitting the open road. I like my life - even with all the ups and downs - and I’ve fought hard for every. single. minute. of. joy. I’ve also suffered dearly, but eh. What can you do? Life goes on.

I don’t know how long I can stay all zen about things, but it’s been almost a week. It also doesn’t hurt when I see things like this in my email: you now have total control, make it good or we will remove you from power.  We’re good again, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

*contented sigh*

IBM makes me The Stabby…

i-84 to exit 64, then drive a little more, to denny’s!

Have I mentioned that I’m spending a sh’load of time in Connecticut lately? Two weekends ago, I got to be a passenger for a change and I took advantage of it by taking pictures of signs and places along I-84. The hubby thought I had lost my mind, but no… it was just the scrapbooker in me wanting to record that stretch of highway from Hartford to UConn for posterity. It’s a stretch of highway I know so well, I could drive it blindfolded. Yes, even the area near Hartford my father used to call the “Mixmaster”. (Hey, nutmeggers, raise your hand if you know the area he’s talking about!)

But anyway… I had too much time to think about things that were going on.  I focused a lot on little personal projects - GTD / Productivity Pr0n type stuff caused by my new minimalist office - and tried to figure out how to take my life back from those who were running/ruining it. (Which, amusingly enough, is a GTD project!) As I ran through the to-do lists in my head, it dawned on me that there was a major problem. MY. TO-DO. LISTS. WERE. IN. MY. HEAD. Where was my trusted system?

Oh yeah, my trusted system… gone. Kaput. Finis. After all that time (all that struggling!) to get Lotus Notes to work on the Mac, I’m walking away from it.

Yep.

I was keeping the “real” email accounts in Apple Mail (so I could respond to them from the proper email accounts) and forwarding the “unimportant” addresses to one email address that was then pulled in to Lotus Notes. I had known that was going to happen. I had even planned on it being a problem, but I underestimated just how much of a problem.  I haven’t opened up Lotus Notes since that last email forwarding test.  I have no idea what’s in there. I haven’t looked at my lists. I accidentally removed the icon from my Dock and didn’t realize it until a few days ago.  Not only was the email a problem, but so was the hard landscape. I LIVE in the calendar on my iPhone. I’ve been too lazy to look it up, but I’m not thinking I can sync iCal to Notes. Or if I can, it’s going to require me to jump through even more hoops and beg for more help. That’s just not cool.

When I updated my iPhone’s software, they added a new app/icon - Voice Memo - and it screwed up my home screen.  I decided to go back through and look at everything that’s on my phone. I was all set to delete OmniFocus when I remembered just how wonderful it was.  As a task manager. What I didn’t think I wanted now… But I looked at all the icons on my phone. Really looked. And then I started moving them around. My redesigned home screen is just like Outlook / Notes: I have my calendar, contacts, email and to-dos all in one place. Why do I need a program on my desktop when 90% of my life is now lived on the phone?

So, I’m back to Apple Mail, iCal and OmniFocus. Just like I was several months ago when I was cruising in the GTD Fast Lane. Before I decided that I needed the new “oooh! shiny!” at any costs. I even have a WebDAV server I set up on my network which OF and iCal will sync to. (I’m going to be keeping the Cheese Grater, the MBP and the iPhone all synced as part of GTD Reboot # 3.)  It’s not quite living in the cloud, but it’s close enough. And it’s not nearly as intimidating as using a Domino server sounds.

It breaks my heart - still, continually, for ever and ever and ever - that I can’t use eProductivity on my Mac. I LOVE it at work and it does seriously bum me out that I can’t experience an eProductivity induced mind like water state at home, but it’s not eProductivity / Eric Mack’s fault. It’s all IBM’s fault…

Oh, IBM,you have made me The Stabby.

I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE GIVING UP ON ePRODUCTIVITY BECAUSE LOTUS NOTES SUCKS.

Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I thought my list was pretty simple: 1) multiple email address support, 2) tech support that doesn’t end with the sentence “ask your administrator”, 3) calendar, to-do lists, email, etc. all in one place. 4) The ability to sync it all with a minimum of difficulty.  One out of four ain’t bad, but I’m left asking how is it possible that Micro$oft can do all this and the great brains at IBM couldn’t? Outlook and Entourage may be shitty programs, but they manage to do all of the four. And do it well (all things considered).

I don’t know… I’m finally home for an extended period of time. I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything to do on my weekends until August 8th. (w00t!) In that time, I’ll be putting my office together and repopulating my OmniFocus database.