Time for Warped Hookers!

skinny and soup :: up or on the rocks, hartford, ct :: july 4, 2009

I love live music.

I love it so much that besides my constant trips to Connecticut to see Instrument, I’ve started traveling south to see All Crazy. We’ve slowly gotten to know some of the boys in All Crazy - Soup, Skinny, and Jay. They played Hartford on the 4th of July and Michele, Viz and I were the only people there to see the band. At some polnts, it felt like we were the only ones in the bar.  As a result, the band played to us and we got to play back.  (They *totally* need to record “Booty Beach”!!!! I really hope our votes counted!) It’s always cool to get to hang out with the band members. There’s something about having that access to them… and when they’re interested in YOU (and asking to see your Vegas wedding pictures or wishing your husband had come out to play), that makes it even better. I don’t want to sound like a groupie, because I’m *so* not. I’m just a fan of the band and their music. It’s just a bonus when you get to be a fan of the PEOPLE in the band. Does that make sense? Yeah, I have that level of access to the boys in Instrument, but I’ve known the drummer for a gazillion and a half years so it’s not the same. REALLY not the same. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I’m expected to be there and support Instrument. I don’t get that feeling when I talk to the boys of All Crazy.

But I digress. It’s because of Derek that we’re going on The Great Warped Hooker Hunt this weekend. (Yeah, you read that right.)

It was the Instrument show at Mohegan Sun last summer that brought the word “hooker” back in my vocabulary. (“OMG! Was that a hooker? That was a hooker!”) Someone had a yearning to go to a casino and it was decided that the three of us gals would go out to play. I think I re-introduced the hookers, because I don’t gamble but I’ll go to the casino to people watch. The timing worked out so that we could play on Saturday and then head in to Hartford on Sunday to see Instrument play the Warped Tour. (THE FREAKING WARPED TOUR! They got asked to play a stage at a major concert event. w00t! *happy dance*) The Hubby of Wonder is getting dragged along. This amuses me to no end.  He knows Viz well and he’s met Michele, but I’m wondering what he’ll do with the three of us. He never knows what to expect from my friends.  It makes me giggle. I think the goal is actually to break him. Again.

I’m a little overly focused on The Great Warped Hooker Hunt, because I need a major influx of fun. I want to go out, get stupid (a sober stupid - I don’t drink), and just have fun with my friends.  I need to forget about all the stress that’s been weighing me down.

I sent Soulmate Boy a final email. So far, he’s had the good sense not to respond. I tried to write it in an adult voice, to handle it maturely, but in the end it came out raw and filled with the f-bomb. He had no right to judge me or say the things he said before the email exchange began and that’s what fueled the fire in my final email. I’m sorry, but he wasn’t there to see what I’ve lived through, or how it’s affected me, and for him to pass judgement… I’m getting all worked up again. New topic.

The next wave of death infiltrated my circle of friends today. C lost a cousin and my dear friend, Nick, just lost his dad. I’m not sure what’s going on, but people are dying like flies and I am not amused. At all. My heart goes out to both of them - especially Nick.  I know what it’s like to lose a father, and while I didn’t experience the exact circumstances that he did, I know that on some level, the pain is very much the same. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m here, for both of you, if you need to talk.

OK. I’ve got a full weekend ahead of me, so I should probably get off the computer and get to bed.  Ya’ll stay out of trouble - I’ll be getting into enough for all of us!

 

You can say that again.

ayuh

I’m at my wits’ end with Soulmate Boy.

I knew that by sending him the email I would possibly reopen the lines of communication. I wasn’t sure it was something I wanted to do… but I was so badly in need of some sort of closure that I couldn’t just walk away without having the final word.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

He couldn’t give me the final word. Nope. Not him. Now, I’m left looking at his email and wondering where we go from here.

I don’t have the words I need to tell him what’s going on in my head.  Even if I did, I’m not sure either one of us would want to acknowledge what those words are. As was pointed out at lunch today, “there are some things you just can’t unsay.”  Those would definitely be unsayable words. Really unsayable words. Really, really unsayable words.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

If the first letter took ten physical drafts, I’m afraid to see how many drafts my reply will take. I’m already on mental draft # 3, which means there’s still probably a few more of those to go before I can actually write it down.  This one has to be perfect.  It cannot give him room to respond, to apologize, to break the crack in my armor open wider, to rip my still beating heart out of my chest so that he can stomp all over it again. 

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.*

The sad thing is that even if I say the unsayable things, he will always be there, waiting for me to change my mind and come back to him.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I will never be able to free myself of him.

So why am I even bothering to?

*sigh*

(*from “Unable to Get Free” by Blues Traveler)

@uconntam, in the BU room, with a hockey stick

bu’s johnny curry, in a pens jersey, celebrating the stanley cup win!

I’ve had Cowboy Mouth’s “How Do You Tell Someone” in my head now for the last few hours.

...We’ve been broken down and broken up so much that I am numb
Talk about, don’t shout about, the people we’ve become
There’s a little girl who’s cryin’ over here….

...Don’t shout at me like I was born a fool.
You speak of love and scream of love, now dare to treat me cruel
Nothing’s fair in love and war…

...Did you ever know me? I swear that I have tried.
Did you ever need me? I feel like I just died.
Did you ever want me? I swear that I have tried.
How do you tell someone you don’t love them?
How do you tell someone you don’t care anymore?
How do you tell someone you don’t love them anymore…

I sent Soulmate Boy a letter explaining to him that I can’t be his friend anymore. It was a long time in coming—maybe too long—but it took 10 drafts. There’s too much history between us for me to NOT get some closure on this, otherwise, the door stays open and there’s the potential for him to hurt me again.  I can’t let him put me in the hospital. I WON’T let him put me in the hospital.  My heart apparently can’t handle the kind of stress our “friendship” put on me. Of course, that’s easy to say…

He responded exactly how I thought he would, even though I didn’t want the response. He told me everything I wanted and needed to hear.  So, now I’m back to being conflicted over what’s best for me physically and emotionally.  He’s backed me into a corner and I’m not sure if I should “fight or flight” my way out of this.  I’ve chosen flight both times now… but despite what the song says, telling him I don’t love him anymore is the biggest lie ever and I’d never be able to fool myself into believing it.  I know he won’t be able to either.

There aren’t any easy answers… and I’d be a fool if I thought there were. I understand how you can get so wrapped in your own pain that you’re oblivious to what others are saying to you, but I can’t listen to it anymore. I’m not built for it.  I’m not sure where that leaves us.  I did send him a response so that he knew I’d read it - I owed him that much.  Of course, it was just “I need to process this,” but anything’s better than nothing.

In other news, we’re re-doing my office.  Two wall are BU red and two walls are white. (Bright white and blood red.) It’s coming out so well I can barely contain my excitement. However, me being me, I got paint all over myself and stepped in some of the red paint. Of course, I left footprints all over the drop cloth.  It seriously looked like a murder scene and totally cracked me up. It looks like (fingers crossed) that we might be able to start moving furniture in on Saturday! *happy dance*

I’m glad we’ll be done with the painting and trim earlier than anticipated. I can really use the distraction.

Clarity, closure, cookies.

mmm. cookies (for the dogs. not people, but boy do they smell good!). :: da brook :: june 26, 2009

It’s been noticed - and has kind of become a running joke - that the theme for 2009 has become “clarity, closure, cookies.”

Yup.

I had a great time last night, got the comfort I so badly needed from my little brother, acted inappropriately with my friends (*wonk wonk*), and there was closure. I made the right choice when I decided which boy to hold on to. We’re definitely OK.  The friendship won’t be the same, of course, but everything is good. I even got a good bye hug! Totally wasn’t expecting that.  I figured I’d get a head nod or something. I even got a text message on the way home. Granted, I initiated the conversation, but I wasn’t expecting an answer… it didn’t need a reply.  My world is at peace again. I’d forgotten what that felt like. Me likey.

Unfortunately, my heart is not. Physically. I’m home AGAIN from work.  4 days of work with the sinus infection, the stress and the wonky heart pretty much do me in - I just can’t make it to the 5th day. While you think I’d enjoy the three-day weekends, being sick as a dog and sleeping all day isn’t really the way I’d choose to spend the time.  I can’t wait until I get over this.  Hopefully the cardiologist can give me some better answers today.  There’s no reason for the way my heart’s been acting and it’s starting to scare me.  I don’t mind the sinus ick, but the heart thing is pushing me over the edge.

I’m back to bed now and hoping the next few hours fly by.  I have never wanted to go to the Dr’s as badly as I want to today.

Conflicted

suck. on. that. chestnut. hill. :: boston university provided wallpaper

I got an email asking me why I would choose a friend whose girlfriend accused me of hooking up with him (Hello! MARRIED.) over a guy who used to be my best friend in the whole world.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any means… Choosing to stay friends with the one is tied directly to my social life and a circle of friends I don’t want to lose. Unfortunately, until this blows over (if it ever does - but I have hope), I’ve got to keep some distance between us. I’m fine with that. I’d rather have yet another change to our friendship than have to lose him.  Besides the friendship, we have a business relationship as well. I’m not going to walk away from that.

Choosing to let go of The Boy (the one who, for better or for worse, is my soulmate), was hard, but in the end my health won out. I’m bipolar and I cycle into deep depressions as it is (even with my meds) - I don’t need my “friends” to send me there.  I also don’t need to be stressed to the point where I get sick enough with physical symptoms to take a day off of work. I missed him terribly over the years we weren’t speaking, but in retrospect, I see now that what that last conversation triggered was a harbinger of what was to come.

As I said, I’m not really happy with either decision, but I had to do what was best for me, my health and my sanity. I should walk away from the other boy and keep The Boy in my life.  I know this is probably the best choice on an emotional level, but my heart doesn’t get to make this decision. (Well, it did, but you know what I mean.)

I don’t know… even though I’ve made my decisions and I’m not going to change my mind, I’m still a little conflicted as to whether or not they’re the right ones. I know the decision about The Boy has already made me feel better and I’ll see what happens with the other boy this weekend.  It’ll be our first time in the same room since the accusation, and I’m interested to see how everyone reacts to my attendance.  I’m also scared shitless that it will get ugly, but all I know is my side, and I’ll defend my innocence until the day I die.

At this point, all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride… it’s a good thing I like roller coasters.