What to say?

with my favorite lead singer and bass player :: arlene’s grocery, nyc :: march 29, 2009

Caught a ride with the boys of the band to their show at Arlene’s Grocery.  The trip down to NYC and back was good fun.  The band was a little rough, but I’ll chalk that up to being ex-haust-ted.  Plus, D was sick as a dog, so he was in the ick up to his eyeballs.  (Poor D!  Get well soon!)

I’m not a big fan of bars and I’m not a big fan of drunk people as a whole… I have seen this played out time and time again and the lesson learned is:  be wary of drunk people.  They tend to share too much and they tend to share the truth.  As a result, I heard things I definitely would have been better not knowing.  From sources that surprised me.  From sources who hurt me with their blunt assessments. Maybe they were right.  Maybe they were wrong. 

While my normal reflex is to lash out at those who hurt me, I wasn’t able to do it this time.  I just swallowed the shock and embarassment and went on with my night. I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve kind of gotten past the hurtful comments.  I’m not going to forget them anytime soon, but I will forgive the source for saying it. I know every word was meant, but I just can’t get mad at their censor for taking the night off. I’m trying to be the bigger person here.

At any rate, things changed on Sunday night in several relationships.  For better or for worse, things aren’t going to be the same again.

I didn’t get back to NH until Monday night - we barely got back to CT in time for me to help unpack and get to work on time. 40 hours without sleep.  Thank god for the insomnia—I would have been dead without it.  You would think that I’ve grown out of that phase, but not so much.  I’ll party as long as my body can take it.  If I need to crash on the way home, I crash.  That’s what hotels are for.  I’ve actually grown to like traveling to see them play and push my photography skills to the limit.  No matter how exhausting it is. I’m not planning on quitting any time soon.  Matter of fact, I’m seriously thinking about traveling to Delaware in May.  It’s the weekend of my Mom’s birthday so it’s a good time to get the heck out of dodge and not host my usual pity party.

I’m not going to lie - I still struggle with taking pictures. My main camera is an Olympus Stylus and my current “back up” is a Nikon D40.  I’m still trying to figure out how the Olympus worked so well at the R.E.M. show because I’m not quite getting that level of success now.  I’d love to dump it and use the NIkon all the time, but I still have a lot to learn about how to use the Nikon in these sorts of situations.  The Olympus is so point-and-shoot that I’ve just grown to trust that 50% of what comes out of it will be OK. I don’t really like that feeling.  I want to know WHY 50% of them come out OK and see if that helps me push it to 75%.

It’s time to rest up - I’ve got another insane weekend coming up.  This time, I"m heading up to VT with the PONY! crew.  It’s supposed to rain all weekend.  Ergh.  I’m kind of happy about that since I can’t ski.  Maybe it will give me an excuse to focus on learning how to use the NIkon…

 

Catching up…

aaron :: storrs, ct :: march 27, 2009

Wow.  It’s been a while. 

I have a good excuse!  Honest.  It’s called burning the candle at both ends with a sleep over at the hospital.

So, on my actual birthday, Instrument played an acoustic set on UConn’s radio station, WHUS.  I was promised a shout-out by Ben, the lead singer, so I couldn’t wait to hear the show. Seriously excited.  The show went weird… I don’t know how else to describe it… and the shout-out was never done.  I did get a phone call, though, from Ben, apologizing.  We had a great talk - I am completely sincere when I say that he is my most favorite band member. I may have known Derek longer, but Ben and I *totally* bonded.

Saturday, I went to the “Twilight” DVD release party at Michele’s. Not a huge “Twilight” fan - I read all the books, but didn’t really enjoy them. I totally would have hated the movie, except everyone there had seen it a few times and MST3K’d it.  AWESOME! There were inappropriate pictures taken with the cardboard cut-out of Edward, inappropriate things cut into the rice krispies treats, inappropriate comments about boxes,  and PONY! made an appearance… awesome night.  I wasn’t sure I’d have that much fun, but seriously? My friends NEVER disappoint. I’m very fortunate.

Came home on Sunday and planned a totally lazy day.  Not moving off the couch lazy.  Around 4 PM, my heart started beating irregularly.  It does this from time to time, so I wasn’t too concerned.  When it didn’t settle down, we went to the ER.  My heart didn’t want to calm down at all and fought everything the hospital threw at it.  Eventually, it did get back to normal, but after that, they wanted me to stay for observation.  Whatever it is, it’s minor and they weren’t that concerned.  Both relieved and a little freaked out. 

Thursday, I drove back to CT to see Instrument at the Hungry Tiger.  During the soundcheck, Ben serenaded me with “happy birthday”, but it was the extended remix version where he mispronounced my name in every single way possible. It was cute.  I liked that he remembered… even if I was totally obnoxious about my birthday in the days leading up to it. (Remember, this birthday had to be awesome to reduce the effect of March 18’s massively disturbing milestone.) 

Jersey, Boski and Viz were all there.  Henry the hippie even showed up! I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him, but Viz and I did at least get over there and say “hi”. He’s a cool guy and gives a heck of a massage. I seriously wanted to take him home with me.  He needs to friend me on Facebook (AHEM!) since I forgot to get his last name.

Ben tossed a pick at me and also gave me a real birthday shout-out towards the end of their set.  I felt like the uber-groupie.  Wicked fun for a change since I was starting to feel like one of the boys.  Not that that normally bothers me as a rule, but I *am* more than a friend, a roadie and a photographer. It’s nice when they remember I’m a fan as well.

I ended up taking Jersey up to Storrs after the show so he could get his car.  It was nice to get alone time with him and catch up. It’s been too long. Since I was in Storrs anyway, I spent the night at Derek’s. Before we went our separate ways (he to his room, me to his couch), we also had a really great chat.  That was nice, too. Answered some important questions about certain historical issues such as the “spiderman” incident.  I remember that night just as clearly, but not what started the spiderman thing.  He was so detailed that I knew it was indeed me, but I seriously don’t have a freaking clue about anything else.

I hung around D’s all day Friday since I had nothing better to do until the CD release show at Hot Topic.  While I was there, I got to enjoy solo sets by both Jonah and Aaron as we hung around outside.  Then, I got to watch the band practice their acoustic set.  They were so on yesterday.  Even though they were screwing around during rehearsal, they still nailed it.  I couldn’t wait to get to the mall and see it for real. 

They totally rocked the CD release gig.  I’ve seen them have fun on stage before, but their vibe was just insane.  Like I said, they were tight.  It might have been their best show yet. I just don’t have the words for it.  Nice to run into Derek’s parents again and hang out with Michele, Viz, and Jersey.  (Two nights of Jersey! w00t!)

After the show, we had to feed the Vizma and wound up at PF Chang’s.  Our waiter has become the gold standard against which all other men will forever be judged. (Seriously, boyfriend was HOT.) Good time, good food, good conversation.  I wasn’t going to stay for dinner, but I’m glad I did. 

I’ve got a lazy day today and then, I’m off bright and early to meet up with the boys and head to NYC for their show at Arlene’s Grocery.  I’m excited to go.  I haven’t been to NYC in years - don’t really like the city - but I don’t have to drive, so I’m happy.  I can’t wait to see them play again.  It’s been a good weekend so far for them.  I’m so proud of them.  Like I told D Thursday night, there’s no way I’d be driving from NH to CT as much as I have been for their gigs if I didn’t like their music. They’ve really come a long way.

If you haven’t yet (why not?!?), check them out:   Instrument on MySpace.

Off to grab a quick nap before the BU/Ohio State game.  See ya’ll later!

Happy birthday to me!

Had a freaking BLAST in CT last night.  The boys of Instrument got my birthday off to a rockin’ start. Literally. 

I got to spend time with some good friends.  Definitely bouncing off of someone - started the fun early.  Too bad you had to leave so soon!!  We could have had SO MUCH fun and gotten into SO MUCH trouble…  Parking lot conversations with special people are always awesome as well.  Glad that we connected on so many levels. I don’t know how it happened, but you are definitely my favorite member of the band.  And to think, it started with you making me feel like an asshole. 

Made a new friend - who would have thought I’d make a friend by making of point of arguing with him? Henry the hippie (not his real name of course), from Coventry, I still think in New England, it GENERALLY boils down to Sox vs Yankees.  So fun arguing with you last night, and I look forward to seeing you at the Tiger to resume our fight.

Rolled into the garage at 5AM and made the bad decision to take a 2 hour nap. Really should have stayed up… you would think by now, since it’s a proven fact that I can’t get home from CT before 3AM, that I would have learned that lesson.  But no. I am a hurtin’ pup.  A very hurtin’ pup.

See - slowly but surely removing the doom and gloom / pity party of the 18th a little bit more every year.  I can’t remember the last time I looked forward to my birthday this much.

Again, a huge thanks to Michele, Viz, Ben, Derek, Jonah, Aaron, Gian and Henry.  My birthday would not have been the same without you… and the day is just beginning!!!

Seven. teen. freaking. years.

mom :: may 3, 1946 - march 18, 1992

I’m going to go a little more raw here than usual.  It’s a special occasion… not a happy one, but a milestone nonetheless.  If you’re prone to crying, grab the kleenex. I’ll wait.

March 18th, 1992.  Seventeen years ago.

Two days before my 17th birthday, I came home from school to find my father crying at the kitchen table. With four little words, I suddenly learned my life would never be the same. Could never be the same. 

They held the wake on my birthday.  I did not go.

My mother and I had, at best, a complicated relationship.  That’s probably putting it too politely, but you guys don’t want the truth.  Trust me.

Seventeen years ago, I was two days shy of my 17th birthday.  Today, I am two days shy of my 34th.  I don’t need a calculator to tell me the significance of the timing. I’ve been dreading this birthday since 2001 - when my father passed away.  It’s a hell of a milestone to pass. There’s been a lot of life packed into the last seventeen years. 

A life where her only daughter, her only child, attended her alma mater and lived briefly in the same dorm, on the same floor, that she did.  A life that would have cast her as mother of the bride and the proud grandmother of two furbabies. A life where her sewing expertise would have come in handy several times.  A life where her fashion sense probably would have been very welcome. She wasn’t there for any of that.  She wasn’t even there to see me graduate from high school (and now college) with high honors, something that would have mattered to her, something she pushed me to attain.

She chose vodka over her only daughter.  Even when she was alive, she was dead to me. It’s terrible, I know.

You have no idea how badly I wish it had been different. 

I wish I knew the woman my father married.  The one he spent hours talking about during what would be our last day together.  I want to know that woman.  I will never be able to. My heart aches for the loss of this woman I never knew. It is that woman I mourn on the 18th of March… not the one I grew up with.

I try to not let it get to me.  Matter of fact, the last several birthdays have been fantastic.  I’ve been pushing hard for this one to be as well and I think I’m going to succeed. I had fun last week at the GTD Summit, which was an early birthday present to myself, and I’ll have fun in CT on Thursday and Saturday.  I’m expecting some awesome presents from people who have flat out told me they’re getting me something, despite my telling them that’s not necessary. The bar is set really high for this birthday, and so far, all signs point to the fact that it will be amazing.  (Well, it will be abso-fucking-lutely AWESOME if BU beats BC on Friday night, but that’s neither here nor there…)

At the end of the day, it all comes back to the fact that I’m here and she’s not… and that sucks.

 

I’ve been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they’re real. 
I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you, that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel.
- The Cure, “Pictures of You”

Hi, GTD’ers!

Starting to see hits coming from the Intercontinental.  w00t! My self-promotion cards must be working!

Like everyone else, I’m in my room processing all my notes from today’s breakout sessions… but thought I’d pop in real quick and say hey.

*waves*