derek :: dodd stadium, norwich, ct :: aug 15, 2009
While there have been pockets of my life lately that cross into definite “FML” territory, there are more moments that are sitting squarely on the “insane amount of fun” side.
For starters, I’m trying hard to get my British friend, Nick, to cross the pond and come play with me. As a result, I’ve come up with two unique takes on British / American history for his visit to Boston.
# 1 (and probably the easiest to do): Host the Boston T Party. We’ll hijack a Green Line trolley, hire a marching band, get a pony and terrorize Comm Ave.
# 2 (my favorite idea): We’re going to re-enact the Battle of Archie Bunker. This involves throwing a Brit in a platypus costume into Boston Harbor while we recite racial slurs learned through repeated watchings of “All in the Family.” There may or may not be Boston Baked Beans involved… But at any rate, I’m looking forward to seeing Nick in a platypus costume more than anything.
I’m going to need some more time to work out the specifics of the T hijacking and come up with more unique takes on Boston’s role in American history. (“Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight chug of a bottle of beer..” What? How about “Pi if by land and the square root of cheese if by sea…”?) It’s only fair that he get the same look at Boston that he gave us when we visited him in London! (Ok, so maybe our London tour was a wee bit more factual, but any one can read a guide book! )
Speaking of Boston—assuming Hurricane Bill stays away from the Greater Boston area tomorrow, I’m off to see Instrument rock SoWa Sundays. I’m thrilled that they’re finally playing a decent distance from my house for a change. Of course, the next time they’re in Boston, they’re playing the Middle East and it’s the same night as the BU/BC game at Agganis Arena. I’ve actually emailed Ben and asked him if he needed a copy of the hockey schedule. (Seriously, the BU/BC game?!? I would NEVER miss that game. NEVER. *sigh*)
starfish :: new england aquarium, boston, ma :: god knows when
I’ve taken down the two entries about Bryan… because I didn’t want to look at them anymore. It hurts me too much to think about what’s he going through.
I took a quick 5 minute break a few hours ago and checked out Facebook. I was overwhelmed with the number of statuses that were about my friend, Bryan. (Better known around these parts as “Soulmate Boy”.)
He defriended me on FB a few weeks ago, after our last e-mail exchange, so I had no idea what could have caused the interweb to go all insane like that. Well, I DID have an idea, but no way to prove it.
A quick FB message and a phone call later, I got the news I was dreading…
His Facebook status read: “God forgive me for what I have done and what I’m about to do.”
It turns out he had (yet another) incident with his estranged wife and thought it’d be a good idea to barricade himself in some random house with a shotgun. There were two shots fired and the major news stations in CT were reporting that he had surrendered peacefully. I had, of course, assumed the worst. It was hard not to, knowing his history of suicide attempts. (I had actually been there to talk him out of one of his earliest attempts… this behavior goes back a loooong time.) He is dangerously off-balance and in major need of some big-time psychiatric help. Maybe being arrested will FINALLY force him to really get the help he needs.
I wish I could have been strong enough to continue pointing him down the path he needed to take… he WAS listening to me, at the very least. I just wasn’t strong enough to continue and so I let him go. It’s easy for my friends to say that I had to let him go because it was what was best for me and God knows, I’ve said that to people myself, but… With our history, with that deep, deep love I still have for him, letting him go this final time was just as hard on me as losing my father. I downplayed it a lot, but it hurt me every bit as badly.
I have too many opinions on this - opinions that I cannot, will not, put out here - but they’re there and I will have to find the best way to rip him a new one. I don’t want to reopen the lines of communication with him, but it’s gone too far. I know him too well to let this go.
I’m not a religious person by any means, but this is running through my head right now, and I think it’s a sign…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I’m going to go a little raw here - it’s important to me to put this out here, no matter the cost. The relationships that may be damaged by this are already pretty screwed up beyond repair anyway. I don’t have anything to lose.
I saw a family member that I had distanced myself from yesterday. We did lunch before I headed to the Instrument show. It was odd. Uncomfortable, even. But it got better.
We were both only children and our moms were not only cousins, they were very close. As a result, as we grew up, we treated each other as if we were practically sisters.
That all ended the day my mother died and my family went ka-blooey.
Her mother had gotten 10% of my mother’s estate and my mother’s sister got 90%. My mother’s will specifically stated, “To my daughter, to whom I gave everything in life, I leave nothing in death.” (Yeah, you read that right.) My father had to sue my aunt to get my share of the estate. (Minor children in CT are entitled to that by law. I got a whopping $2K. It was nothing compared to what was in the estate… and the money in the estate was my father’s money. My mother chose to stay home and drink all day. grrrrrr. *stabby*) My aunt also filed a restraining order against my father and I… She claimed her attorney “misunderstood” and that she merely asked him to tell my father to stop sending my mother’s mail to her. Um, she was the executrix of the estate and the ink was still wet on the divorce papers. Of course everything came to my father.
At the same time, Mom’s cousin had sent me photos she had taken of my mother in her casket. Yup. Again, you’ve read that right.
As you can clearly see… KA-BLOOEY! It’s a wonder I don’t need therapy. (Seriously, three shrinks cleared me. Said I was amazingly well-adjusted despite all this.)
So, seeing C yesterday was a little f’ed up. I was ready to move past what her mother had done and I decided to go for it.
I’m beyond thrilled that I did.
As we sat on her front steps, we shared secrets.
I found out that the motivation behind the photos was not meant to hurt me… it was something her mother found comforting and that she thought I’d find the same comfort. I didn’t. Not at all. Not even close. But, now, I have a much different view of her actions… and I appreciate the thought even if it skeeved me out to the point where I had to burn the pictures to make sure I’d never see them again.
I also found out that my wonderful, amazing, aunt - the woman I considered my real mother - screwed me. Apparently, mom’s cousin was going to turn some cash over to me, and my aunt intervened and took it all.
I expected to be angry at my aunt’s betrayal. I expected to be hurt. I wanted to get angry. I wanted to be hurt.
Instead, I felt pity.
I mean, how screwed up do you have to be to do that to someone? Retrospect being 20/20 and after hearing the comment that served as the final nail in the coffin, I really shouldn’t have been surprised by how selfish she was back then. I know she had a hard life… but I also know she’s never been able to let certain things go and that it’s turned her soul black.
It is what it is, right?
I spent most of the ride from Ellington to Norwich chewing on those two little bits of historical trivia. I decided it wasn’t worth dwelling over - the one relationship is dead. Beyond dead and it was before I knew this. I’ve tried to reach out to my cousins, but there’s a definite block there… and maybe I should finally recognize the fact that we have no future. The other relationship, on the other hand, is definitely salvageable and worth repairing.
with josh :: hungry tiger, manchester, ct :: august 8 2009
So, I was going to write an entry about that guy in that picture above, and wouldn’t you know it? iTunes decides to play Sting’s “Fields of Gold”. Kind of fitting because back in the day, he was a HUGE Sting/Police fan.
I’ve been thinking about him a lot since Saturday night.
(No. Not THAT way. Those days are over. Ancient history.)
I’d be a little weirded out by that, but it happens every few years. The last time it happened, he had made me a mix tape. It was, and will probably remain, the BEST. MIX. TAPE. EVAR. There’s just something about it. I don’t know if it’s the songs, the song order, or what, but it just *fits* my musical tastes… and that’s with bands I’ve never even heard of! At some point, I did comment somewhere about how freaky it is that he still knows me that well. I still pull it out and listen to it every few months. One day, I’ll digitize it and rip it to a CD. Would make my life *so* much easier!
I frame my life in terms of before my mother died / after my mother died / college / ohio / after my father died - he has been there, in my life, for each of those phases. Maybe not up front and center, but there are very few people I’m still in contact with who can say they were in that odd purgatory with me between my mother’s death and college. I already mentioned how excited I was to see him and what it meant to me to be able to thank him in person for that letter he sent me. But there’s more to it than that.
There’s always more.
I’m proud of him. So very proud of him. His path through life had a few more detours than it maybe should have, but he’s finally got a college degree, knows what he wants to be when he grows up and has a girlfriend who seems to be very good for him. (I hope we get to meet at some point… Maybe the four of us will take in a hockey game - or several - after all!)
He was my first real love - outside of Soulmate Boy - and I guess all the smooshy people are right. You never do forget that first love.
I don’t have the best track record with keeping people in my life after we “break up”, but I’m fortunate that he keeps turning up. It sounds weird, I’m sure, but his presence in my life is soothing. It’s one of the reasons I go back to his mix every few months. He knew me back then and he knows me now. We didn’t talk much about how much the bipolar & subsequent cocktail has changed me, but I am curious to see if I’ve changed at all in his eyes. He hasn’t changed at all. He’s still dorky, musically inclined, and did I say dorky? Oh. I did. Well, he is dorky - but it’s a cute, endearing dorky.
Ever since instrument came into my life, so have a bunch of people - both old and new - who have enriched my life. (And yes, a certain bulldozer deserves ALL the credit for introducing me to Instrument, but if they don’t know how much I appreciate that, then they deserved the Spank Heard Around The World. *ahem*) I love being back in touch with all these people and knowing they’re here makes my life so much better.
Night out getting crazy stupid with friends (and a pony)? $5 cover.
