That’d be 12 years… T-W-E-L-V-E

first _archived_ entry from low :: holy shit, yo!

Moving my websites to a new server, moving domains to a new registrar and updating the software that powers my archived blogs on my local computer…

Was really interesting to find this… My very first ARCHIVED entry. I know there were some from when I was using Blogger, but this is the first entry I can prove.

The last entry on this version of LOW was Sept 2006. If you’ve been on this journey with me, you’ll remember I went to a co.uk domain for a while and then back to LOW. LOW and Good Advices lived together in harmony for a while, and then I put LOW to rest for probably the last time. LOW will always be home and I’ve been missing it a lot lately. It’s not in the plans to bring it back - I’ve actually got something new up my sleeves. Just need to find the time…

Anyhoo - I didn’t really have anything to say other than I can’t believe I’ve been doing this twelve years. Or that most of you have been around for a chunk of that time.

Wow.

Random Acts

misha collins and sebastian roche:: nashcon :: february 5, 2012

I find it funny that Misha Collins’ charity is called The Random Act, because wherever he is, random acts occur.

Take this uh, touching moment at NashCon where he was getting “Essence of Sebastian” on an AMOK t-shirt before giving it away.

——

Sometimes I forget what community is - not the online stuff you can walk away from without a second glance - it’s almost family like. Screw that, it IS family.

Hanging out with L, and my little brother Jeff, drove home the joys of family. Even though Jeff isn’t my biological little brother, I love him like one and he’s one of the few people I can easily say I’d take a bullet for. I don’t “do” kids. I don’t like them. Generally don’t want anything to do with them. It’s very rare that I’ll even tolerate being in the same general vicinity. I don’t have that, that, THING that makes women’s ovaries explode when faced with babies.

Chilling with L, and hearing Jeff keep saying the word “family”, was eye opening. We don’t often get to pick our families… and even when we do, sometimes people can become a part of your family without prior approval. That’s not quite how I meant it, but you get the gist. L and I had a nice long stare off where neither of us were sure what to make of the other. We finally mutually decided the other was harmless and got along pretty well for the rest of my visit.

I think he knew when I was ready to go - he made a point of trying to untie my sneakers, then he handed me my keys, phone, and iPod before being told to kiss me on the cheek. Repeatedly. Because they had to get a picture of this. Seriously. I’m amazed I didn’t need a cootie shot, he kissed me so many times.

After getting home, I had to deal with the harsh reality of life and the cruelty and bravery that it has to offer. I didn’t know Chief Michael Maloney. I know friends of friends of the Chief, but my social distance from the man didn’t keep me from deeply grieving his death. The Chief was eight days from retirement when he was fatally shot in the head… after dragging his fellow officers to safety.

My entire commute to work has been nothing but American flags, red, white and blue ribbons, yellow ribbons, balloons, black and blue bands, and the signs. Oh God, the signs. Just THINKING about them is killing me. So much support, sadness, love, grief and respect on these signs. You couldn’t escape them even if you wanted to. It was bad enough on a good day. Wednesday was easily the worst day of the mourning period. As I was driving home, I could see the cops lined up outside the funeral home, waiting to pay their respects. It was heartbreaking to see them all. I’m glad that I missed the funeral procession on Thursday - again, it was hard enough driving past the funeral home where the cops had already begun to gather.

If anything, watching the seacoast pull together to mourn this man, also drove home the idea of family. Many of us didn’t know him personally, but we pulled together to celebrate his memory, to respect a man who died protecting his fellow officers. That’s some pretty impressive stuff. For a fleeting moment, I felt so connected to my neighbors that it made me feel like I was back in Jeff’s house, watching L try to eat Cherrios by himself and stopping him from spilling milk all over himself.

We find family where we least expect it - in the cheek rubbing kiss of a toddler or even in a community mourning one of their own.

Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

with baby l :: windsor, ct :: april 15, 2012 (photo by jeff)

So…

Sometimes, you need a mashed potato, garlic and bacon pizza with the person you thought you’d spend forever with.

Sometimes, you need an afternoon with a person who knew you “before”.

Sometimes, you need to sit in a sports bar and watch the Bruins.

Sometimes, you need to watch an 18 year old movie, and laugh at the jokes that never get old.

Sometimes, you need sloppy kisses from an old friend.

Sometimes, you need a 7AM wake up call from an unexpected source.

Sometimes, you have to let them make you breakfast.

Sometimes, you have to let a boy kiss you.

I am the Mockingjay…

Someone (who has obviously living under a rock for the past few months) asked me about the mockingjay pin I have on my jacket.

I told them that it was just a pin. Nothing special.

Which is, of course, total bullshit.

What they want is for me to truly take on the role they designed for me. The symbol of revolution. The Mockingjay… I must now become the actual leader, the face, the voice, the embodiment of the revolution.—Katniss Everdeen, “Mockingjay”

As I’m crawling out of the abyss, I’m looking for things to cheer me on, since the majority of my friends have stayed silent this entire time. I get it - I wouldn’t know what to do, either. I don’t hate them for it. I’m just disappointed.

SPOILER ALERT
I fell in love with Katniss the moment I met her. Her strength. Her naivety. Her ability to inspire others to do great things.

Here’s a girl who lost her father in a mine accident. Whose mother couldn’t handle it and mentally checked out. Who had a young sister who depended on her. Despite the odds, she made sure her family didn’t starve - including the distant mother she grew to hate and the cat she tried to kill.

When her sister’s name is called at the Reaping, she volunteers to take her place, even though it means certain death.

Twice she puts the Capitol in their place - once when Rue dies, and again at the end when she decides a Romeo & Juliet like suicide pact is the way to get both her and Peeta out of the arena.

She faces certain death again, during the Quarter Quell, when she’s forced back into the arena with other winners. The there’s her undying devotion to Peeta - she’ll sacrifice herself before she’ll let him be killed, simply because she cannot lose the boy with the bread.

Yes, there’s certainly a bit of a love story there, but it’s never played out the way you think it would be. It’s a second thought, almost, to the rebellion she’s started. Without meaning to, she’s put every one she loves in grave danger. 

But she survives. Peeta survives. And her children never know they play on a graveyard.

END SPOILER ALERT

It’s her strength, in spite of all she’s faced, that’s been giving me hope. To remind me that it gets better.

When I see that mockingjay pin on my jacket, I remember that I’m stronger than the bipolar. That I’ve survived the worst several times, and that I always find a way out of it.

I have to remember that, while I’m mostly powerless against it, I have learned its tricks. I know how to sidestep the traps it sets for me. I know how to block out the voices in my head when they’re at their loudest.

I know how to survive.

I just need a reminder from time to time.

Freedom and dandelions

The fact that I’d been working seven days a week for the past few weeks did not go unnoticed.

Of course, they noticed back in December how overloaded I was and they just chose to do something about it now…

Long story short, I’m not longer managing a person. We’ve split the companies I do the books for in half. I get the company I originally started working for and a company that I already have industry experience in. (Was that English? I don’t know. I’m tired.)

I’m thrilled to bits about this change because I really dislike the person we hired.

All four of us loved her during the interviews, but she has not lived up to the hype. She’s weak. I don’t do weak. (She’s every insecure and she’s said somethings that just put me on edge and make me want to rip her to shreds. This is even AFTER we upped my meds to curb the various issues managing her was causing me.)

She also doesn’t fucking listen. I’ve told her repeatedly that one of my biggest pet peeves is when people attach the check stub to the front of the invoice. I don’t need to see the check stub - I can do a search in QB if I need the check number and date. Whelp - she attached a fucking check stub to the front of a bunch of invoices I needed to go through. I wasn’t expecting to find a staple there - SINCE I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER NOT TO DO THAT. Sliced my finger wide fucking open on the staple. And then I had to deal with the fact that no matter how I creased the stub, the stupid fucking thing was blocking the information I needed. I ended up going through that stack of invoices and putting the check stub where it belongs. (I know it sounds petty - but this is how we do things in this company’s accounting department. Period. It’s not the only thing she’s done wrong either, but I’m still pretty pissed off about my finger.)

I can’t wait to get rid of her.

——
In other news, I’ve kept my addiction to The Hunger Games to a minimum here. It’s for a couple of reasons -
1) I have friends who just aren’t in to certain pop culture things. I totally respect that and I don’t want to turn them off with my incessant babbling about the books.

2) The Twihards have driven me / still drive me nuts. Why celebrate a book where the main character is weak and the disco ball boyfriend is abusive? It’s not “romantic”; it’s upsetting and, on top of that, they’re poorly written. Don’t even get me started on the whole vampire sex, baby birth, imprinting thing. That’s the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read, and I’ve read some sick, twisted shit.

3) If I do have friends who are curious about the books, I want them to read them. With as few spoilers as possible.

4) If you’re checking out the movie before the books - the movie is a fair representation. It’s hard to make a first person narrative into a third person movie. They filled in some of the blanks, which was interesting, but other things strayed from the book and kind of annoyed me. On a scale of Shawshank Redemption (10) to absolute crap (1) I rate this a solid 8 - really good, but not perfect. The Harry Potter’s adaptions are about an 8.5 / 9 for comparison.

I will leave you with this from “Mockingjay” - possibly my favorite book of the trilogy - because I thought I saw a dandelion the other day:
What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again.