“It’s my timey-wimey detector. It goes ‘ding’ when there’s stuff.”

unrepentant whovian

I’m in love with Ten. My friend, M, was right. He is definitely the best one so far… granted I’m only on Series 3 which means I’m four series behind and I haven’t experienced Eleven yet. It’s the trench coat and Chucks. Plus Ten has all the best lines… Nine almost killed the show for me. Thankfully, I have friends who are Whovians that told me to hold out for the regeneration.

They’re very smart, they are.

——

Spent yesterday with my little brother and his family. There was much hugging and many promises to do this more than once a year. (Yup. Another chance to drive home that choosing “Family” was a good idea.)

Today, I had the following conversation with Soup. (That’s a person if you’re new to these parts.)

SOUP: You still managing the band?

ME: No. They broke up. I do have friends in a different band in Upstate NY… their bass player told me I needed to find a job in music because I was so passionate.

SOUP: I def agree. I think we’re on the same path.

ME: I think about looking into the music industry… Boston’s got a pretty good scene, but I’m nervous about making that type of career change.

SOUP: Try it part time in the beginning. I think it’s your calling.

ME:OK. You’re like the third person who has said that to me. That’s scary.

SOUP: Third time’s a charm

ME: Maybe when things calm down in the summer. I’m pretty busy right now.

SOUP: Please just try it.

I haven’t spoken to Soup in years… since 2011-ish, maybe. Early 2012? He kind of came back into my life out of nowhere. It was really weird… but today we had such a nice chat. It’s nice to know that he still thinks about me and finds it important to push me to do what we both know I should be doing for a living.

Apparently putting out into the universe that I need to be better at being a friend is coming true in spades.

—-

There’s been a weird kind of “war” between what I’m calling the “resetters” or “resolutionists” and those that think you can/should change whenever the mood strikes you. Facebook, tumblr, blogs - it’s so random that 2013 is the year that people have decided to take sides over something so stupid as a page flip on a calendar. Is it because the world didn’t end?

I always try to make resolutions. I never seem to keep them, but I like the idea of a reset button. A fresh start. A list of things I want to do. Blah blah blah blahbitty blah blah blah.

Except, this year, I didn’t actually MAKE any resolutions. In a weird fluke of timing, everything is happening now…. I started the three words exercise a few weeks ago when CC’s book came out and finally whittled them down. I discovered the GORUCK Challenge a few months ago and took my time making sure this was something I wanted to, could, would commit to. I signed up for part 1 of the CMA exam a few months ago (and had to put off taking it in the original testing window because of work/anxiety) and this month I start studying in earnest since I take it in February. I’ve been tossing around the idea of the American Girl fencing uniform since July.

I don’t know… if you want to change, change. Does it really matter what spurs you to action and when it starts? The only thing that matters is that you stand by what you chose to do and see it through to its logical conclusion.

——

And on that note, I’m off to spend some time with the Ood.

 

Amazing things will happen…

So, my friend, CC, writes books.

His latest book, Amazing Things Will Happen, is pretty awesome. If you know CC in real life or through any of his blogs, it’s not necessarily new material, but it’s a nice reminder of how to live your life so… ahem… amazing things will happen.

One of his things is to find three words and then focus on them through the year.

My three words, and explanations, follow:

SELF
The bipolar was an absolute bitch to me this past year. It almost forced me to quit my job and go on SSDI. It almost hospitalized me. I vow to take much better care of my mental health this year. No more over committing at work. It fucked up my work life balance and was key in the downward spiral.

Then there’s the physical side of the equation. I want to do the GORUCK Challenge. I still can’t explain the why, except to say that it became something that resonates with me and it’s something I need to do. Well, it’s pretty obvious to me that I’m not going to survive it without some help, so enter the personal trainer. All my physical health goals - lose weight, more strength - are specific to the GRC, but I also know that they will benefit me in the long run.

FAMILY
I went with family as opposed to relationships because I have a lot of friends who I consider family. I don’t spend nearly enough time with them and recent events have shown me that it’s not enough to say that person’s like a sister/brother to me. I need to prove it. I need to figure out how to put myself in their lives and let them into mine. I don’t want to lose any more people because I sit on the sidelines and let them live their lives around me.

Yesterday, I did lunch with a person I absolutely adore, a brother, who I had lost touch with. The usual excuses were there (work, kid, baby momma) and we both acknowledged how easy it was to pull away and get sucked into your personal drama. We both admitted that we needed each other. We both promised to keep in touch more often. Will we? Yesterday’s lunch was a great start and I’m looking forward to many more.

CREATE
Another one with a second word… I was going to go with projects instead, but create sounds better because most of my projects are creative. The American Girl fencing uniform, finally getting a new website off the ground, taking more photos, etc. It’s all the stuff I want to do every year, and most years I do succeed. I just wanted to add it to my list to be more accountable.

I think my favorite, non creative, “create” project is to try to create a more concrete, yet very abstract, link to my mother. Like the GRC, I’m not quite sure why, but I’m suddenly interested in the idea of using her birth certificate to get dual citizenship. I don’t know what all is involved in it, but I want to look into it.

2013 looks to be a good year - there’s a lot of good things on the horizon and there’s a lot of good things on the to-do list.

2012 can SUCK IT. It’s definitely time to move on, and the timing couldn’t be better.

Keep calm and don’t blink.

You know - even though that’s a Doctor Who reference (yeah, I joined the Whovians) - it’s actually kind of fitting. Life is crazy. It’s important to keep your head about you, to stay calm, if you will. Then there’s the saying, “blink and you’ll miss it.”

Well, I didn’t stay calm and I definitely blinked.

How did time fly so fast? The people I met in elementary school have elementary schoolers of their own.

I’ve grown apart from someone who meant a lot to me. A lot. The rift started in college, when we went our separate ways. Then it got worse. Marriage. Kids. Jobs. Lives.

We don’t know how to talk to each other. We don’t know how to fit the other into our new lives.  We don’t know how to be friends any more.

We’ve grown apart. Far apart.

It’s natural. I know. But it fucking sucks.

—-

In return for letting them go, I’ve been rewarded with new friends who buy me t-shirts that say “Accepting you’re an asshole is the first step” and send me Facebook messages saying, “And meeting you is one of my highlights for 2012”.

I get messages from old friends who have surprisingly come back to me: “Tamara I have alot of friends but none of them with heart like yours.”

I’m one lucky girl.

Don’t think I don’t know that.

Bye, again, old friend.

Welcome back, brother.

Merry pornmas, silent P.

You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you…

I once rewrote that song, back in the heat of Teh Bloggar Warz, and never posted it.

I should really find it…

—-—-—- 

Met with yet another trainer yesterday. I think this one is going to stick.

He actually listened to me. Weird, huh?

Said he didn’t know squat about bipolar/depression after workouts and wouldn’t make any blanket statements. Instead, we’d keep an eye on the workouts and see if we can’t peg down what might be causing it.

We talked about what I could find out about the GORUCK Challenge and my lack of upper body strength. Upper body is definitely going to be an issue - there’s a lot of push ups, buddy carries. a freaking 1,000 pound log, holding team members’ rucks, and let’s not forget running around and doing all that crap while wearing a ruck that weighs near 50 pounds (6 bricks, a hydration bladder, food, possible jacket, extra socks…).

When I told him that my immediate need was getting below 150 pounds so that I only needed to carry four bricks instead of six, he laughed. Told me that was an excellent goal to start with.

Yeah. I like him.

He wants me to mail down a date, but I don’t think I can make any of the ones that are posted… I’ll have to go back through and check them against the Muchachos schedule again.

It’s becoming real. Really real.

Oh. Shit. I’m. Actually. Going. To. Do. This.

huh.

I was working on my three words last night - really defining them and making sure they were the right ones - when I got hit by a blinding truth.

I don’t know to be friends with ANYONE.

I don’t know if it’s the bipolar making me keep people at arm’s length.

I don’t know if it’s some fucked up remnant of my childhood and/or the isolation of being an introverted, shy, only child.

I don’t know if it’s the way I was wired from day one - maybe all that other stuff is a “symptom” of the larger problem.

I can’t let the members of my blood family back in, even though they want it so badly… And I’m the one that sought them out.

I can’t let J’s family in, even though it’s probably important to him (he’s never said, but it’s a safe assumption).

I communicate with the majority of my friends through Facebook because it’s easier. It’s friendship on MY terms.

I read blogs to keep tabs on them instead of reaching out regularly.

I break promises to keep in touch more often.

I don’t know how to fix this.

To fix ME…

But it was important enough to make the list after everything was filtered out…

It’s time to sit down and figure out this part of my personality.

It’s PAST time to figure out this part of my personality.