The universe is much smarter than I am.

apache :: da ‘brook :: april 23, 2009

About 20 years ago, I made friends with this boy.  And then I fell deeply, deeply, in love with him.

My dad loved him like a son and always thought we’d marry each other.  The word ‘soulmates’ had been tossed around more than once by Dad and he never understood why we never dated.  As dad put it, we had a lot to teach each other.

Well, we never did date, but he broke my heart to the point where I could never quite get it back together correctly. I instigated the heart break when I (rather viciously) threw him out of my life.  In retrospect, I know I overreacted in the worst possible way, but what was done was done.  It was, sadly, the proper reaction given how he had betrayed my trust and my state of mind at that particular time. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again.  If I’d want to see him again or vice versa.  I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I thought I lost him forever and I would google for him from time to time.  I never had any luck finding him and every failure hurt just as much as saying goodbye on that terrible, terrible day. I relived that pain, once a month, for eleven years. Like clockwork.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am incapable of loving someone, anyone, like I love him. Not even my own husband.  It’s hard to describe the power / intensity of our friendship.  I’m sure some of you will understand, but I’m sure there are some of you sitting there, scratching your heads and thinking it’s some kind of disloyalty to my husband.  I didn’t “settle” for my husband in any way, shape, or form, but I can’t help that he doesn’t have whatever it is that I have with The Boy.  We don’t all marry our soulmates - life isn’t that perfect.

Imagine my surprise when I logged into Facebook a few days ago and saw him as a “suggestion”.

I reached out to him, and during several intense phone calls over the course of one day, I was made whole again. It culminated in this text message:

It’s good to have you back… you’ve been terribly missed.

I can’t explain how good it feels to have him back.

I know we still have much to learn from each other and I’m glad we get to pick up where we left off…

 

Frustration, thy name is Lotus Notes

ben :: uconn - storrs :: april 25, 2009

EDITED TO ADD: You post one little blog entry, venting frustration, and tweet that link…*grin*  I’m feeling so much love from the Lotusphere portion of the Twitterverse today that it’s actually a little overwhelming.  I’ve gotten so many links, screengrabs, emails with offers, that I am, to be repetitive, a little overwhelmed.  You guys all rock!  I can’t thank you all enough.

There’s definitely a learning curve with Notes that I wasn’t expecting (single license related? mac related? just plain old notes?). I’m not in IT, but I do pick up computer stuff rather quickly, so it was SUCH a blow to my ego when I found myself consistently frustrated by the software. Which, of course, brings on The CRANKY!!!!!

Just so it’s clear - I do *love* Notes/eProductivity on the PC at work, but I have simple needs there.  And I have a glowing, mushy blog post in the works about my experiences with Notes/eProductivity on the PC side.  I’m not all gloom and doom about Notes.  Honest.



I’m quickly swinging from love to complete and utter annoyance with Lotus Notes.

Quick recap: I met Eric Mack at the GTD Summit while he was doing demos of his Notes-based software, eProductivity.  I decided, on the spot, that eProductivity was the software based GTD solution I was looking for.  BUT. The big thing was that I would have to switch to Notes.  I’m not a big fan of Microsoft products in general, so moving from Outlook to Notes on the work PC wasn’t going to be that big a deal.  The big obstacle, the subject of tonight’s entry, is the fun, or lack thereof, I am having with moving my life to Notes on the Mac.

I’ve got Notes and eProductivity cranking at work.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much it rocks my socks.  Seriously.  That is one bad-ass combination of design and ease of use. You can SEE the amount of thought that went into making the software the power tool that it is. I have to say, I haven’t really seen any software - ANY - designed quite so well.

I’m trying to make the switch from Apple Mail / OmniFocus to Notes / eProductivity at home… at first, I thought the major issue would be getting used to not being able to sync my to-do lists between the iPhone and my MacBook Pro.  OmniFocus just wasn’t getting it done for me anymore and I do need something new - my home life is a complete disaster because I don’t trust my interim system.  (In all fairness to the Omni Group, if I hadn’t used OmniFocus, there would have been NO WAY I’d have been able to graduate with a 3.85 GPA (high honors!) while working a full time job and taking classes.)  I decided that Evernote (whose Ron Toledo I also met at the GTD Summit, and was responsible for selling me on their software (look at me being all name-droppy!!!)) would probably work for an inbox and I could just process that from the web interface or just email myself my to-do items.  Whatever.  I never really synced OmniFocus between the two as much as I thought I would have anyway, so that became a minor issue.

The issue that I’m having is being a single license user.  It’s only managed to be compounded because I’m on a Mac.

My first issue: move 4 gmail accounts and three domain-based email accounts to Notes. I have two out of the three domains working. I’ve struck out BIG TIME on the gmail accounts.  Gmail does not support Notes and I’ve been to several of the gazillion google search results, but I’m still not having any luck with it.  I’m impatient at times, and I don’t always like to read the user manual, but seriously, setting up a FREAKING POP3 EMAIL ADDRESS shouldn’t be this hard.  I can do it in my sleep with any other email client.

My second issue: I have no idea which one of the two email accounts I’m in.  At least in Apple Mail, I can see all my inboxes separately.  I can also choose which email account I’m sending from.  Right now, I don’t have any confidence in my email. Am I sending from the right account? Which account did this come from?  This is not a good thing.  Honestly, I haven’t spent that much time looking at this because it’s kind of a moot point if I can’t get access to the email accounts that really matter via Notes.  But, again, it shouldn’t be that hard to figure it out.  It’s only email.  It shouldn’t require some sort of advanced degree.

My third issue: tech support. I’d like to make a public apology to Delbert at IBM. (Yes, I’m pretty sure that’s his name.)  Poor guy called to check on my Notes experience. Whew! Did he get an earful!!  At work, I’m IT.  At home, I’m IT.  I don’t have a system administrator.  Plus, I’m not running Domino.  It does me no good to get a tech note that says, “If this problem persists, contact your sysadmin.”  OR “Check your Domino server settings.”  OR anything that refuses to accept that a person on a Mac might be using your software.

IBM, I get that you’re focused on the big business / enterprise users.  That’s where all the money is.  My little single user license is like $100.  I get it.  I’m not important in the big picture. Fine. And Mac users… I KNOW Mac users don’t count for squat in the land of Big Blue (although I’m hearing rumors of iPhone compatibility… that might be nice. IF I can ever get up and running.).  My thought is this—if you’re not built to support single users, who don’t have tech support to fall back on, don’t offer the software.  If you’re not built to support Mac users, don’t offer the software.

I feel all alone in the Lotusphere and that makes me cranky.

I do have Parallels on the Wintel Mac, but it’s really only there so I can run Quickbooks’ Accountant Edition without having to boot into XP.  (Talk about barriers to entry.  If I didn’t *need* the advanced features of the CPA edition, I’d just run crappy, vanilla QB Pro, which IS available for the Mac.)  If I could solve my problems by just installing it onto the XP disk image whoozy, I’d still have issues with getting it on the old, non-Wintel Mac.  (The idea, which had been planted in my head, was that I could network the two Macs via a Domino something or other. This sounded like a good idea since I’ve started working on the desktop more, but if I can’t make it work as a stand-alone, do you really think I’d be stupid enough to add an extra level of complexity? You, in the Peanut Gallery, I see you! Stop nodding!)

I don’t know where to turn to get help.  The help I do find, as I have said, is mostly useless.  I’m tired of not finding the help I need online. 

I’m tired of fighting with Notes.  I don’t like that.  I don’t like that at all. It’s a huge testament to my absolute adoration of eProductivity that I’m even still bothering to get Notes to work on the Mac in the limited amount of time I have to mess with it.

How do you fix this? How do you make me happy? Realistically? I don’t have a freaking clue. Not a single one. To switch the focus to the single license user isn’t going to be easy.  Not when you’re focused on business / enterprise applications.  Are there enough of us to justify the costs of admitting we exist and helping us out? I think there is, actually.  What about Mac support? My guess is there has to be at least ONE person somewhere on the Notes team that knows Macs enough so that you can have them support us.

Talk to me! Help a girl out!

I. WILL. PAY. YOU. IF. YOU. CAN. HELP. ME. GET. NOTES. WORKING.

I am not ready to give up, but I’m quickly losing hope that I can make this work.

Leave a comment or email me: tamara [dot] nelson [at] gmail [dot] com

Dela-vegas

pony and viz :: dewey beach, de :: may 2, 2009

OK… before I get into the good stuff, I got an email asking what the deal with the pony is. It started as a joke among friends a long time ago, and then I actually purchased a pony and he’s been a part of the Vermont crew ever since.  Or, as I like to call us, two poles, a ukie, and a viz. (Yes, I know it’s really only one pole, but *sigh*.)  PONY! has been all over New England, fooled around with a cardboard corpse (long story), and has now seen Delaware.

Oy. Delaware.

The only thing I can say that is appropriate for this, my most public of blogs, is what happened in Delaware has to stay in Delaware.  (Hence, Dela-vegas.)  There was a lot of adult beverages, a ton of misbehaving, and bonding.  Viz and I have been friends with Derek since college and we’ve slowly been getting to know the other three members of Instrument over the past year.  We have actually started to cross the line from fans to staff. (“Don’t forget, you represent us! Behave yourselves!”) Between the two of us, we have almost *cough* 20 *cough* years of marketing/advertising experience and we’re passionate about helping the guys out. If we succeed, every time you google “Instrument” you will get “Instrument (the band)” instead.  At least, that’s the idea.

gratuitous plug: BUY THEIR EP FROM CD BABY!

Anyways, where was I? Oh, right.  Delaware.  You know you’ve really become a member of the band when the act after them has to make a point of saying, “I don’t got no merch girls!”  Since it was so far from home, we all spent the night at a hotel.  It was great to have quality hang-out time.  (Normally, after the local shows, we all rush back to our lives.  Couldn’t do that last weekend.)  We definitely had some interesting conversations, discovered that white pickup truck guy does NOT want to be our friend on Facebook, and learned just how many people can fit through a hotel balcony sliding door. (Six. Kinda.)

I’ve been on insane road trips before, but this trip has been declared the gold standard against which all other road trips shall be judged. It’s been a week since Viz and I headed to our crashing spot in New Jersey en route to DE, and we’re STILL laughing and trying to figure out what exactly happened. Yup. Good times.

2nd gratuitous plug: BUY THEIR EP FROM CD BABY!

There’s a crap-ton of stuff I do need to get to and I’m hoping that tomorrow I can actually get to some of the important stuff. Key word: HOPING.  (Remember how I said we’re kind of the band’s staff? Yeah. I’ve got a major project with a serious deadline for them which is getting in the way of other stuff… I think it’s time we talked about my salary.  *grin*)

And I guess I’m still pretty angry…

Charlie Nelson
Sept. 19, 1946 - April 30, 2001

I wish I drank tequila
I wish I stayed up late
But lately when the Sandman comes
You know I just can’t wait
No, lately I can’t wait

And we packed up all your boxes
It’s all been hauled away
I never stare at walls so bare
‘Cause something always stays
Yeah something of you stays

And I wanna shout from my guitar
Come out, come out wherever you are
The joke is over, open your eyes
A heart like yours, it never dies
And I found your keys behind your chair
I still can see you sitting there
This isn’t funny; don’t fool around
You let me go… you let me down

And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing, instead, it was me

I wish I walked on water
Pulling rabbits from my sleeve
Guessing cards and saving everyone
I wish I still believed
Oh I wish that I believed

That I could also channel voices
That I’ve endured the burning blade
That I could make some of your choices
I wish I weren’t afraid
Of those choices that you’ve made

Like I could give you what you need
So ollie ollie oxen free
The game is up and I give in
So show yourself so that you can win
Come claim your prize and I don’t care
I still can see you standing there
How could you leave, how could you lie?
You cut me off in mid-reply
Run all your races
And be what you’re gonna be
And let some of us love you
And set thy anger free

And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing instead it was me

The will to win, the urge to race
I still can see it on your face
Thought I’d keep up but only crashed
I wasn’t built to move that fast
Thought I could match you stride for stride
But I was on the other side
And holding onto the safety rail
With knuckles white, complexion pale
A cloud of dust and you were gone
Thought I would catch you later on
I limped behind, your race was won
But were you racing or on the run?
How you enjoyed, you loved to drive
AND I’M DESTROYED… ‘CAUSE I’M ALIVE
Run all your races
And be what you’re gonna be
And let some of us love you
And set thy anger free

Control my contradictions
And allow that my labors thrive
And grant me please the answer
I don’t know why I’m still…

In the beginning there was you and me
I would have brushed my world aside
Rather than say goodbye
I would have brushed my world aside
I don’t know why I’m still…

And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing, instead, it was me

And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you…

- Pretty Angry (for J. Sheehan): (Blues Traveler)

Mortality

matty gilroy & john mccarthy, captains :: hockey east regular season champions :: march 8, 2009

April 30th is the 8th anniversary of my father’s death. (How’s that for a starting sentence? *grin* Just wait, it gets better.)  May 3rd would have been my mother’s 63rd birthday and May 10th would have been my parent’s 45th anniversary.  I can live with the other two statistics - it’s the fact that, had they not finalized the divorce a few days before my mother died, they would have been married FORTY FIVE YEARS.  FORTY FIVE! Who stays married that long? If my mother hadn’t been the woman she turned into, the woman I knew and loathed, there is no doubt that my parents would have still been married. I know this because my father found it very important to tell me this several times during our last conversation.

I’ve been in the ER twice recently because of a recurring mitral valve prolapse related issue.  My main symptom is the racing / irregular heartbeat.  It makes me lightheaded, you can literally see my heart pounding (seriously - my shirt moves) and it hurts like a mother. To be quite blunt, it scares the shit out of me.  Heart disease runs in my family and I was already diagnosed with a heart murmur.  I’m also bipolar and in the past I (unknowingly) took meds that made this whole heart mess worse.  Of course, I find this out now. 

So anyways, recently, my thoughts have tended towards the morbid.  I have a very dark sense of humor, though, so it all balances out in the end.

I’ve known for a long time that life is too short, but this lesson was driven home so clearly on April 30, 2001, that I live in fear of NOT living every moment to its fullest. My father was obsessed with history and one of his favorite topics was the Kent State Shootings.  I lived in Ohio for several years and every single time he drove out to visit me, he’d always say he wanted to stop by Kent State and see where it all happened. The lyrics to Neil Young’s “Ohio” are forever engrained in my psyche. (Side note: I actually got to see the handwritten lyrics on a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before my father died. He was unimpressed, oddly.)

He moved to Ohio on April 15th. He had decided to go on Tuesday, May 1st because all his furniture was to be delivered by then.  He had his route all planned out.  He was so excited.  It was all he had talked about for the week prior.  Monday, April 30th, he was dead.  He had so much time, that I still don’t understand why he put it off…

I’ll admit, I’m burning the candle at both ends lately (and from the middle as well it seems).  I don’t want to slow down. To quote my hero: ”...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”  I don’t want to miss out on anything because I’m afraid to wind up back in the ER or, worse, dead. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so why should I live in fear of my heart giving out?  Exactly.

As if everything else that had been going on recently wasn’t enough, I had yet another “life is too short” moment shoved in my face.  I still don’t know what happened… I got cranky last Monday and snapped at a friend. (Well, one of a few, truth be told.  I had a VERY BAD Monday.  *sigh*)  She went completely off the deep-end.  She sent me these angry emails and then went so far as to remove me from her friends on Facebook. I, very honestly, have no freaking idea what exactly I did to set her off like that.  But, c’est la vie.  If that’s how she wants to play it, fine. I can’t stop her.  I don’t even want to stop her.

The thing that bothers me the most, though, the thing that I can’t let go of yet: she kept saying she didn’t need any more drama because she has enough of her own.  Well, sure, I get that. But if you don’t need any extra drama, why are you creating it?  Life is too short to get that upset over what I think went on. Seriously, do yourself a favor and get over it.  I need you in my life only as a professional contact, and I don’t care if you never want to be my friend again.  Honestly, I didn’t even notice that you weren’t my friend on Facebook until I was looking for someone else I thought I friended who has a similar name. (Turns out I didn’t.  It’s on Someday/Maybe. )  I probably would have never noticed… that’s how little I choose to be upset by your overreaction. I just don’t care enough to waste more time than necessary on you and this drama you feel the need to add to your life.  I don’t have the need for more drama, and so I choose not to take any more on.

I choose instead to spend my time working through a horrendous backlog of photos from the end of the BU Hockey season, two trips to Vermont, a crazy Twilight DVD viewing party and the latest Instrument show.  I also have two websites to design, several books to read, several road trips to take, and finally, writing that blog entry about my latest experiences with LotusNotes/eProductivity… *sigh*  So, yeah, I really don’t have time to focus on your negativity right now. If you’re out to hurt me, you’re out of luck.

Life. Is. Too. Short.

Both my parents died relatively young, and while I know I won’t die of the same causes, it is in the back of my mind that my expiration date is sooner rather than later.  I refuse to waste a single second on doing anything I don’t find rewarding.  Hence, my obsession with BU hockey, photography, GTD, and Instrument. (Hey, GTD keeps my life together so I can do all that traveling and photo taking! *grin*)

And now, I’ve realized that I’ve spent way too long on this entry, so…  it’s time to move on to something a little more fun and a little less therapeutic. *grin*