You can say that again.

ayuh

I’m at my wits’ end with Soulmate Boy.

I knew that by sending him the email I would possibly reopen the lines of communication. I wasn’t sure it was something I wanted to do… but I was so badly in need of some sort of closure that I couldn’t just walk away without having the final word.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

He couldn’t give me the final word. Nope. Not him. Now, I’m left looking at his email and wondering where we go from here.

I don’t have the words I need to tell him what’s going on in my head.  Even if I did, I’m not sure either one of us would want to acknowledge what those words are. As was pointed out at lunch today, “there are some things you just can’t unsay.”  Those would definitely be unsayable words. Really unsayable words. Really, really unsayable words.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

If the first letter took ten physical drafts, I’m afraid to see how many drafts my reply will take. I’m already on mental draft # 3, which means there’s still probably a few more of those to go before I can actually write it down.  This one has to be perfect.  It cannot give him room to respond, to apologize, to break the crack in my armor open wider, to rip my still beating heart out of my chest so that he can stomp all over it again. 

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.*

The sad thing is that even if I say the unsayable things, he will always be there, waiting for me to change my mind and come back to him.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I will never be able to free myself of him.

So why am I even bothering to?

*sigh*

(*from “Unable to Get Free” by Blues Traveler)

@uconntam, in the BU room, with a hockey stick

bu’s johnny curry, in a pens jersey, celebrating the stanley cup win!

I’ve had Cowboy Mouth’s “How Do You Tell Someone” in my head now for the last few hours.

...We’ve been broken down and broken up so much that I am numb
Talk about, don’t shout about, the people we’ve become
There’s a little girl who’s cryin’ over here….

...Don’t shout at me like I was born a fool.
You speak of love and scream of love, now dare to treat me cruel
Nothing’s fair in love and war…

...Did you ever know me? I swear that I have tried.
Did you ever need me? I feel like I just died.
Did you ever want me? I swear that I have tried.
How do you tell someone you don’t love them?
How do you tell someone you don’t care anymore?
How do you tell someone you don’t love them anymore…

I sent Soulmate Boy a letter explaining to him that I can’t be his friend anymore. It was a long time in coming—maybe too long—but it took 10 drafts. There’s too much history between us for me to NOT get some closure on this, otherwise, the door stays open and there’s the potential for him to hurt me again.  I can’t let him put me in the hospital. I WON’T let him put me in the hospital.  My heart apparently can’t handle the kind of stress our “friendship” put on me. Of course, that’s easy to say…

He responded exactly how I thought he would, even though I didn’t want the response. He told me everything I wanted and needed to hear.  So, now I’m back to being conflicted over what’s best for me physically and emotionally.  He’s backed me into a corner and I’m not sure if I should “fight or flight” my way out of this.  I’ve chosen flight both times now… but despite what the song says, telling him I don’t love him anymore is the biggest lie ever and I’d never be able to fool myself into believing it.  I know he won’t be able to either.

There aren’t any easy answers… and I’d be a fool if I thought there were. I understand how you can get so wrapped in your own pain that you’re oblivious to what others are saying to you, but I can’t listen to it anymore. I’m not built for it.  I’m not sure where that leaves us.  I did send him a response so that he knew I’d read it - I owed him that much.  Of course, it was just “I need to process this,” but anything’s better than nothing.

In other news, we’re re-doing my office.  Two wall are BU red and two walls are white. (Bright white and blood red.) It’s coming out so well I can barely contain my excitement. However, me being me, I got paint all over myself and stepped in some of the red paint. Of course, I left footprints all over the drop cloth.  It seriously looked like a murder scene and totally cracked me up. It looks like (fingers crossed) that we might be able to start moving furniture in on Saturday! *happy dance*

I’m glad we’ll be done with the painting and trim earlier than anticipated. I can really use the distraction.

Clarity, closure, cookies.

mmm. cookies (for the dogs. not people, but boy do they smell good!). :: da brook :: june 26, 2009

It’s been noticed - and has kind of become a running joke - that the theme for 2009 has become “clarity, closure, cookies.”

Yup.

I had a great time last night, got the comfort I so badly needed from my little brother, acted inappropriately with my friends (*wonk wonk*), and there was closure. I made the right choice when I decided which boy to hold on to. We’re definitely OK.  The friendship won’t be the same, of course, but everything is good. I even got a good bye hug! Totally wasn’t expecting that.  I figured I’d get a head nod or something. I even got a text message on the way home. Granted, I initiated the conversation, but I wasn’t expecting an answer… it didn’t need a reply.  My world is at peace again. I’d forgotten what that felt like. Me likey.

Unfortunately, my heart is not. Physically. I’m home AGAIN from work.  4 days of work with the sinus infection, the stress and the wonky heart pretty much do me in - I just can’t make it to the 5th day. While you think I’d enjoy the three-day weekends, being sick as a dog and sleeping all day isn’t really the way I’d choose to spend the time.  I can’t wait until I get over this.  Hopefully the cardiologist can give me some better answers today.  There’s no reason for the way my heart’s been acting and it’s starting to scare me.  I don’t mind the sinus ick, but the heart thing is pushing me over the edge.

I’m back to bed now and hoping the next few hours fly by.  I have never wanted to go to the Dr’s as badly as I want to today.

Conflicted

suck. on. that. chestnut. hill. :: boston university provided wallpaper

I got an email asking me why I would choose a friend whose girlfriend accused me of hooking up with him (Hello! MARRIED.) over a guy who used to be my best friend in the whole world.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any means… Choosing to stay friends with the one is tied directly to my social life and a circle of friends I don’t want to lose. Unfortunately, until this blows over (if it ever does - but I have hope), I’ve got to keep some distance between us. I’m fine with that. I’d rather have yet another change to our friendship than have to lose him.  Besides the friendship, we have a business relationship as well. I’m not going to walk away from that.

Choosing to let go of The Boy (the one who, for better or for worse, is my soulmate), was hard, but in the end my health won out. I’m bipolar and I cycle into deep depressions as it is (even with my meds) - I don’t need my “friends” to send me there.  I also don’t need to be stressed to the point where I get sick enough with physical symptoms to take a day off of work. I missed him terribly over the years we weren’t speaking, but in retrospect, I see now that what that last conversation triggered was a harbinger of what was to come.

As I said, I’m not really happy with either decision, but I had to do what was best for me, my health and my sanity. I should walk away from the other boy and keep The Boy in my life.  I know this is probably the best choice on an emotional level, but my heart doesn’t get to make this decision. (Well, it did, but you know what I mean.)

I don’t know… even though I’ve made my decisions and I’m not going to change my mind, I’m still a little conflicted as to whether or not they’re the right ones. I know the decision about The Boy has already made me feel better and I’ll see what happens with the other boy this weekend.  It’ll be our first time in the same room since the accusation, and I’m interested to see how everyone reacts to my attendance.  I’m also scared shitless that it will get ugly, but all I know is my side, and I’ll defend my innocence until the day I die.

At this point, all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride… it’s a good thing I like roller coasters.

Broken hearted… literally

neighbor’s cat :: da ‘brook :: may 12, 2008

I haven’t written in my Moleskine since June 6th when I wrote a whole whopping sentence about nothing.  There’s a good reason for the backlog… the events of the past few weeks have been wicked painful to live through, let alone process and put into writing. I’ve barely been blogging about it, too… Partly to protect myself and partly to protect the guilty parties.  Not that my experiences with Lotus Notes haven’t made for compelling reading, but I know most of you are looking for the “real” stuff.

Anyhoo, two boys, two very different issues, two very different endings.  Right now, neither one is an ending I’m happy with, but I’m comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and where they may lead.

I’ve decided to NOT let go of the one friendship I probably should… there’s too much invested in it for a stupid accusation to take me out of the picture.  Sorry. Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, and you’re just going to have to deal with it. I’ll continue to give you your space, but I’m not going anywhere. Period.

On the other hand, I’ve said goodbye to The Boy. Again. For the last time.

His personal issues drove me to places I didn’t want to go, couldn’t survive going back to.  He almost put me in the hospital twice. The stress I carried - just from listening to his drama - set off my heart.  Yesterday’s little fun was responsible for me leaving work at 10AM and coming within minutes of going to the ER.  (I carry pills to stop the a-fib, but I’m not supposed to take more than two.  I had taken two.)

I just don’t have the words right now to go deeper into it… all I can say is “Goodbye. Have a nice life.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”