Broken hearted… literally

neighbor’s cat :: da ‘brook :: may 12, 2008

I haven’t written in my Moleskine since June 6th when I wrote a whole whopping sentence about nothing.  There’s a good reason for the backlog… the events of the past few weeks have been wicked painful to live through, let alone process and put into writing. I’ve barely been blogging about it, too… Partly to protect myself and partly to protect the guilty parties.  Not that my experiences with Lotus Notes haven’t made for compelling reading, but I know most of you are looking for the “real” stuff.

Anyhoo, two boys, two very different issues, two very different endings.  Right now, neither one is an ending I’m happy with, but I’m comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and where they may lead.

I’ve decided to NOT let go of the one friendship I probably should… there’s too much invested in it for a stupid accusation to take me out of the picture.  Sorry. Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, and you’re just going to have to deal with it. I’ll continue to give you your space, but I’m not going anywhere. Period.

On the other hand, I’ve said goodbye to The Boy. Again. For the last time.

His personal issues drove me to places I didn’t want to go, couldn’t survive going back to.  He almost put me in the hospital twice. The stress I carried - just from listening to his drama - set off my heart.  Yesterday’s little fun was responsible for me leaving work at 10AM and coming within minutes of going to the ER.  (I carry pills to stop the a-fib, but I’m not supposed to take more than two.  I had taken two.)

I just don’t have the words right now to go deeper into it… all I can say is “Goodbye. Have a nice life.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

The one where I blast IBM…

pony loves lamy safaris and moleskines! :: april 24, 2009 :: saugus, ma

I’ve come to terms with the “downs” of the past two weeks.  It took a while for me to process them to the point where I could join the rest of the world again… Of course, yesterday, my first real day as a human - and a freaking awesome day at that -  I got a phone call that threatened to bring me back down.  A simple declaration on Twitter that I was done with the drama made me feel instantly better.  I know that doesn’t end it, but it’s a temporary fix and it’s working for now.

Speaking of temporary fixes, I gave in and decided to have one email address that all my “less essential” email addresses would get forwarded to. This now, in theory, will allow me to use LotusNotes and eProductivity at home. This is a crappy compromise because I really like having the ability to view and send from the individual email accounts as well as see them all as a whole, but unlike Microsoft, IBM decided that people using Notes didn’t need the ability to use multiple email accounts.  That’s a really good sign that the company doesn’t care for the little users - only the enterprise level end users. No wonder they’re losing ground to Outlook / Exchange. It’s bullshit, plain and simple. I don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth out of Notes at home and the only reason I’m even putting up with it - despite all the headaches I’ve been having since March - is because I want eProductivity.  Period. I have no interest in using Notes at home - especially now. I just want the add-on. If eProductivity worked in Apple Mail, Entourage, or even Outlook, I’d be all over it and probably much happier than I am today.

I will say this - the support I received from the Lotus Notes users on Twitter and from Eric Mack (eProductivity’s developer) was / is nothing short of amazing. Even though I was forced to face the fact that there is yet to be any amount of hacking that could give me what I wanted, these people tried like mad to do it. If I’m going to have to fight to get the software to do what I want, these are exactly the type of people I would want on my side. They were so generous with their time!!!  Many gave me detailed instructions with screen grabs that rival the best software manuals out there. If any of you are still hanging around, thank you again, and again, for your efforts. The fact that IBM is paying attention and working on adding multiple email address support is HUGE. I can’t thank those people enough either.  (I’m looking at you, @DwightMo and Ed Brill!)

I have one stumbling block left.  I’ve got all 6 of my “less essential” accounts set to forward and they all appear to be working, but now I need to import the old stuff. That’s a battle for another day.  I’ve got a really small to-do list for today… four simple things and I’ve already done three of them.  I know myself well enough to know that if I had planned to do more, I’d only stress myself out and right now, that’s the last thing I need to do. I’ll probably end up going above and beyond (the magic of the Unschedule! Thank you, Neil Fiore!).  That’s not a bad thing.  Of course, I did schedule in more time to play the Sims!  It’s the best way I’ve found to get out of my head and it’s been instrumental in my ability to work through the Ick of the past two weeks.

I think that tomorrow’s main project is to start moving things out of OmniFocus and into eProductivity.  I’m *so* excited by that fact, I’m absolutely twitching.  (In fact, I may find the time to start today!) I was getting so disgusted with my Notes experience that I never thought I’d be able to say that. This is HUGE for me and while I’m not happy with the kludge, it will do for now… but this doesn’t end it, IBM.  Do you hear me?

 

Once again, the band is All Crazy!

arsey :: january 2009 :: da ‘brook

The past week has been an interesting, very long one, filled with up and downs.  More downs than ups, unfortunately. That’s the price to pay when you’re a grown up, I guess.  Time to file it under “shit happens” and move on.  It’s a new week, I’m not getting out of my jammies today and my to-do list consists of blowing off everything and everybody and playing the Sims 3. My last day of hiding and licking my wounds, if you will.

Last night, I went to CT.  It was originally a trip with the hubby to see All Crazy play at Up or on the Rocks in Hartford, with maybe the chance to hook up with some friends at the show.  Wasn’t feeling social enough for the birthday party festivities being held earlier in the night (Sorry, M!), but really wanted the fun night out enjoying the indie music scene. Guess I’m in withdrawal while Instrument is on a temporary hiatus… Although, it does crack me up that I drive the two and a half hours to Hartford for indie music when I live an hour from the scene in Boston. 

Anyhoo, trip with hubby became a solo trip.  I went in early to hang out with The Boy. Because of the timing and the fact that we have two furry children, J stayed at home to take care of them.  I don’t think our reunion would have been the same with him there, so it’s probably best he stayed home. It was good to see The Boy again - to hug him, to chat with him, to prove the last few weeks haven’t been some weird f’ed up dream. I was painfully reminded of what he had meant to me and what he still does.  The amount of time that has passed has yet to properly heal my broken heart, I guess.  We had a whole, difficult, discussion on marriage and what it means, but that’s an entry for another time… I’m not ready to go there yet and since it’s not about my marriage, but his, maybe it’s better kept offline anyway. It did open up a very interesting internal dialogue about the power of love and the effect of addiction on relationships around 3AM this morning as I was flying down 495 and I think I learned something from it.  I guess we really do still have much to teach each other.  Who would have thought my Dad would be so right?

I was also reminded of just how small my world was when I bookended this week with with not one, but two people who know either my family or me.  Last Sunday, I decided to go to a meeting of the UNWLA (The Ukrainian National Women’s League of America - NOT The Ugandian Nationals with Long Arms, like my Facebook friends want to think! *grin*).  It’s a part of me that I want to connect to since I was never able to in the past.  Well, as I’m saying why I wanted to join, I mentioned that my family was involved with building St. Michael’s Ukrainian Catholic Church in Hartford.  The woman to my left asked me my mom’s name and when I told her, she freaked out. She knew my mother.  She lived in Hartford when she was younger, they went to Ukie camp together and even remembered that my mom died young, in the 1990s.  HOLY FREAK ME OUT, BATMAN!

Top that off with hearing someone tell me, “Oh! So and So’s boyfriend says he knows you” last night - right before he walked in.  Turns out he remembers me from high school.  It took a minute to place the face, but OMG! His memory of me is so detailed, I’m starting to wonder just how off my perception of myself is.  I’ve always thought I was the quiet one in high school.  The wallflower.  Never made any waves, blended into the background, that sort of thing. I always though that it took college and a Latvian bulldozer to bring me out of my shell and assist me with finding this new, outspoken, not afraid to be social, me. Nope - he remembered me from choir and knew I was in the band and drama club and, and, and… He even remembered me being at several parties at UConn, although I don’t remember him being there at all. Again, all I can say is HOLY FREAK ME OUT, BATMAN!  Or sing, “It’s a Small World”, but I don’t want to be responsible for planting that earworm in teh interweb’s collective ear.

That’s not really the point of this entry though.

The thing that I love about the little bands is the access to the members.  Whether it’s getting hugs from Danny D (from the ska band Skinnerbox), getting shout outs from “Bret Michaels” and Poor Pluto, being pen-pals with my friend Scott The Roadie (BiG MiSTAKE), and, of course, hanging out with those crazy boys in Instrument, getting to be part of the shows is just so much fun.  There’s that connection, that vibe, that really makes all the time I’m spending in my car worth it.  All Crazy’s show last night was no exception.

When Skinny (the violinist) found out it was M’s birthday, he bought us a round of shots.  We spent a lot of time talking with Soup (vocals), too. It was awesome that they were appreciative of the fact that V & I saw them in Cambridge a few months ago.  I loved that Skinny interacted with us while we were dancing near the stage.  Soup kept doing shout outs to the birthday girl, Boston, and even New Hampshire once Soup found out I was from there. (They did a kick-ass cover of The Dropkick Murphy’s “Shipping Up to Boston” for us.  While I hate that song with every fiber of my being, I actually found myself singing along and having a great time.) These guys know to mix covers and originals to get the crowd into it and they really do make a point to infect the crowd with their passion for what they’re doing.

I’ve been around “little” bands who don’t know how, are uncomfortable with, or choose to ignore, the importance of building their fan base. (Unfortunately, my beloved friends in Instrument seem to fall in this category from time to time.  They really need to focus on the answer to “what would Tool do?”)  All Crazy totally gets it and the experience is much better because of it.  After the show, Skinny gave us t-shirts and CDs, and Soup came over and spent even more time talking to us.  It was nice and it was REAL.  They’re playing in CT a lot this summer and I’ll probably make the trek down several times.  It’s worth it - I really like their music and I want to see them succeed. Even if I was “eh” about their music, I’d probably go see them again, anyway.  Just because they’re good people.

I’m fortunate that I have a husband who supports me going out - sometimes not coming home for days because of the travel - and reliving such an important part of my past.  Granted, I can’t relive ALL of it, nor would I want to, but I do get to enough to remind me of a time when I was truly happy.  Before my world changed for the worst.  It’s healing in a way I can’t put into words. 

And it’s exactly what I needed last night.

OMG! OMG! OMG!

jonah and aaron :: shamrock cafe, suffield, ct :: may 15, 2009

From Eric Mack’s twitter feed: @DwightMo and I had a good discussion about how to make #LotusNotes easier for home/personal use with multiple email support. Stay tuned 

ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111

*happy dance*

I HAVE HOPE THAT I CAN USE ePRODUCTIVITY AT HOME!!!!!!!!!111111

*happy happy dance*

THERE MAY BE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL AFTER ALL!!!!!!!!!1111111

*happy happy happy dance*

THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVAR!!!!!!!11111111

*happy happy happy happy dance*

If this actually comes to fruition, Eric Mack and @DwightMo will be my most two favorite people on the entire freakin’ planet.

Make way for monster jealousy

michael, scott and peter :: r.e.m. @ great woods, mansfield, ma :: june 13, 2008

(Sorry for the older pix.  I’m doing my semi-annual hard drive clean up and found some oldies but goodies I’d forgotten about.  Eventually, I’ll get around to more recent pix.  Also, I refuse to call Great Woods by whatever name it’s known by now.  I’m old skool like that.)

I’ve been told that IBM has been very interested in my experiences with their Lotus Notes software. (Mostly because I’ve been so vocal. Me vocal? NEVER!)  I feel they have good reason as I appear to be the poster child of the new wave of potential customers - the singe license user, only interested in their product because of eProductivity.  I’ve been struggling with making the software do what I need it to do at home only to find out that it isn’t built for that unlike Outlook (or Entourage - the Mac version).  So, I’m at an impasse with using Lotus Notes and, by extension, my new favorite piece of software, eProductivity, at home.  I will continue to use the software at work because I love it so much.  (That’s where the title of this entry comes from - I’m so jealous that the software work does exactly what I need it to, beyond perfectly, at work, but not home. It’s so not fair! *whines and stomps like a five year old*)

I work as the office manager for a small family owned construction company.  My main bosses, Mom & Dad, are what I lovingly call “Crazy Makers” or “ADHD 1 & 2”.  I tend to be a Captain and Commander, although I feel that I am very far from being a black belt.  One day, I aspire to stay in the GTD mode for longer than a few months at a time. I tend to fade in and out of the system… of course, I tend to fall of the wagon when I most need the structure and discipline.  I think most of us do - it’s a part of human nature to give in to the chaos instead of trying to control it.  Chaos, to me, never feels like a manageable project.  There’s just too much fire fighting and running around like a chicken with its head cut off to find the structure and achieve that mind like water state.

Once I started this job, and was experiencing too many of those chaotic moments, I started to struggle with my system.  New jobs are bad enough, but new jobs with GTD as an integral part of the transition hadn’t been that problematic.  Inputs—> Inbox—> Process—>Happy Tam + *happy dance*.  It had been a pretty simple, pretty streamlined, pretty productive process.  I discovered quickly that if my life was simple, I could almost trust Outlook.  I never trusted it 100% but just enough so that I didn’t think about it too much.  Then, I took this job.  Everything I hadn’t liked about Outlook came flying to the surface once the chaos started- It seemed like too much work to get it into a state where I could truly feel that was a trusted system. As such, I really resisted trusting my lives (home and work) to it.  I stopped trusting my lists.  I started dropping the ball. I was a wreck.  I am NOT that employee and it was really starting to tick me off. 

Since I’ve begun using eProductivity at work, I’ve been really succeeding at keeping my mind like slightly ripply water.  It’s a huge step forward from the state I was in when I started there. (Think of tsunami/hurricane level waves - completely destructive.)  It’s important to me to have my calendar, contacts, and email all in one place as I feel that using different applications goes against the whole principle of stress-free productivity.  Lotus Notes does all that - as long as you only have one email address - which makes it the perfect Outlook replacement at work. Add the eProductivity piece and I am beyond productive. Even kinda, sorta, in those nasty chaotic periods. EVERYTHING goes into eProductivity at some point during my day and gets processed by the end of the week, if not that day. 

The funny thing is, I don’t do a true Weekly Review.  This kind of amuses me, because the Weekly Review Coach piece was one of my top reasons to use eProductivity.  I do what sort of amounts to a daily review as I move page by page through the myriad of notes I can produce during the course of a day. A normal conversation with Dad can cover 10 topics in about 2 minutes.  I’ve learned to adapt by keeping a HUGE stack of scrap paper close by and writing each unique thought on its own piece of paper, dated, timed and notated as to what job it belongs to. Never more than 1 thought on a sheet.  In one exhausting 45 minute phone call, I generated over 100 pieces of information. My paper inbox can go from zero to overflowing in the time it took you to read that last sentence.  It can get ugly and it’s gotten much worse now that they’re back from Florida and in the office more. (I work for snowbirds - ADHD snowbirds. It makes life interesting.) 

I trust eProductivity so much, it’s kind of disgusting.  I want to scream from the rooftops: “USING ePRODUCTIVITY KEEPS ME SANE. ZOMG! I LURVE IT SO MUCH!  I WANT TO MARRY ePRODUCTIVITY!!!!!111111”

As I said yesterday,  “I’m an emotional, cheese sandwich type blogger - you’re never going to find anything more than my take of the issue du jour.”  You’ll never really see an in-depth entry here about how I use the software because that’s just not my style… but I can tell you that I live in the “projects and actions” view.  I like to see my complete inventory and pick and choose what I do.  Most of the time it’s based on perceived time to complete and energy level because my bosses have the tendency to completely exhaust me.  I do spend a lot of my time on two minute next actions - like I’m supposed to, but I don’t really do it consciously. It’s based on the fact that it’s just easier to do them.  I tend not to do them when I process my inbox, choosing instead to wait until the time is right.  Then I kind of group them into contexts: process invoices, send faxes, respond to emails, etc.

However, I’ve never really been good with contexts.  My main issue tends to be that I hate phone calls.  I get so resistant to my “@calls” list that I won’t make them.  Instead, I choose to view them as 2 minute next actions that I process IMMEDIATELY.  As in, “OK, I’ll call Joe Client once we’re done here.” I write the note and instead of putting it in my inbox, I place it on the phone.  Then, once the conversation is done, I make the call.  In the case of multiple calls, I do have an “@calls” context list (or a rather large stack of notes that serves the same function), but because it’s not a LIST there’s no resistance. (Anyone out there want to take a whack at the mental process behind that? I’m curious to hear why that works…) 

At any rate, no matter how far from being “true” GTD my system is, I completely trust eProductivity at work. Sometimes, things just click and do exactly what they’re supposed to. 

Now, if we can just figure out how to get Lotus Notes to work like Outlook (multiple email address support), I’ll be beyond happy.  I’ll also take a version of eProductivity for Outlook / Entourage if that would be possible…either way, I just want to use eProductivity at home, and I can’t right now.  Hey, a girl can dream! *grin*