Nai tebe kachka kopne!

the amazing jonah gold :: hungry tiger, manchester, ct :: june 25, 2009

I had a wonderful weekend - I saw the great towns of Albany, Kerhonkson, and Bristol. I got to spend time with good friends, the voices in my head, and some new friends. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so good.  An insane amount of stress and unhappiness was lifted from my shoulders. 

Friday night, I drove to Albany, NY and watched Instrument play at Valentine’s. It was a surprise to the boys and I loved the reception I got. It’s always good to hear someone say, “We were talking about you on the drive here.” It was good to hear D tell the lead singer of a different band who I was and what I mean to them.  NOT cool when the guy called me a groupie, but he apologized. Probably didn’t have anything to do with the look of death I shot him. *grin*.  I got a lot of people on their mailing list and sold 2 CDs, which prompted D to offer me a raise of double my salary.  Ben then decided that quadrupling my salary was a better idea. (Well, why not? They’re paying me $0, but it sounds good.) Jonah and I hung out a bit - love that he kept calling me “Sassy” and tried to dance with me. One days, these boys will learn I am all kinds of clumsy…

Saturday, I headed to Soyuzivka, in Kerhonkson.  It’s a Ukrainian camp that’s an hour and a half southwest of Albany, and they were hosting a Ukie Cultural Festival.  THAT was seriously messed up.  My grandparents used to go there. My mother used to go there. I’d never been. It was oddly painful to see all the people who knew each other, to see the people my age who spoke fluently and traveled in groups, to see the young kids who didn’t know a different life… A life like mine. I was definitely in the minority. I don’t speak a word of Ukie and I felt like such an outsider.  It wasn’t pleasant by any means, but it was something I needed to do. I was fine (mostly) until I visited the little sales booths. I grew up with all the stuff the booths were selling - embroidered table runners, wooden psyanky, ukie patterned vases, certain books - and seeing it all laid out made me cry. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I used the word “robbed” a lot to describe my feelings. My mother rebelled against her parents and brought me up as an American.  Not Ukrainian. Not even Ukrainian-American. American. And that just really pisses me off.  Of all the things I’ve hated my mother for, this is a huge one…

Sunday found me back in Connecticut. Again with the boys of Instrument. They were playing in an all-day music festival at a bar in Bristol.  They had arranged the whole thing - I hadn’t known that before, but knowing it now, it made me really glad that I spent all day at the bar watching the other acts. My friend Henry the Hippy was there and we talked about his Masters degree in Nutrition. Currently, he’s taking Biochemistry and Anatomy. We had a great time talking about my heart. He was fascinated by what I knew, and his knowledge was equally fascinating. I even had a surprising conversation with someone and made someone else smile. Mind you, these are two people I had never really planned on interacting with, but ya gotta start sometime, right? After everything, maybe it’s time to listen to Reagan—“Tear down this wall!” Who knows what will happen. I’m keeping a more open mind, that’s for sure.

I spent all weekend thinking about very little. There was a lot to run away from - Soulmate Boy, some friends with ruffled feathers, the clue by four an old friend was wielding - and I did a very good job getting some much needed distance between me and the crapfest my life had become. I came home feeling very calm and happy. I refused to let things bother me.  I can’t change the past, only today and tomorrow… this thing with Soulmate Boy isn’t going to go anywhere any time soon, but I came to terms with the feather ruffling and the things that required the clue by four attack. I’m getting better at this grown-up thing.

I used to say that if I had known the path my journey would take, I would have stayed home… now, I’m all about packing the map and hitting the open road. I like my life - even with all the ups and downs - and I’ve fought hard for every. single. minute. of. joy. I’ve also suffered dearly, but eh. What can you do? Life goes on.

I don’t know how long I can stay all zen about things, but it’s been almost a week. It also doesn’t hurt when I see things like this in my email: you now have total control, make it good or we will remove you from power.  We’re good again, and I couldn’t ask for anything more.

*contented sigh*

IBM makes me The Stabby…

i-84 to exit 64, then drive a little more, to denny’s!

Have I mentioned that I’m spending a sh’load of time in Connecticut lately? Two weekends ago, I got to be a passenger for a change and I took advantage of it by taking pictures of signs and places along I-84. The hubby thought I had lost my mind, but no… it was just the scrapbooker in me wanting to record that stretch of highway from Hartford to UConn for posterity. It’s a stretch of highway I know so well, I could drive it blindfolded. Yes, even the area near Hartford my father used to call the “Mixmaster”. (Hey, nutmeggers, raise your hand if you know the area he’s talking about!)

But anyway… I had too much time to think about things that were going on.  I focused a lot on little personal projects - GTD / Productivity Pr0n type stuff caused by my new minimalist office - and tried to figure out how to take my life back from those who were running/ruining it. (Which, amusingly enough, is a GTD project!) As I ran through the to-do lists in my head, it dawned on me that there was a major problem. MY. TO-DO. LISTS. WERE. IN. MY. HEAD. Where was my trusted system?

Oh yeah, my trusted system… gone. Kaput. Finis. After all that time (all that struggling!) to get Lotus Notes to work on the Mac, I’m walking away from it.

Yep.

I was keeping the “real” email accounts in Apple Mail (so I could respond to them from the proper email accounts) and forwarding the “unimportant” addresses to one email address that was then pulled in to Lotus Notes. I had known that was going to happen. I had even planned on it being a problem, but I underestimated just how much of a problem.  I haven’t opened up Lotus Notes since that last email forwarding test.  I have no idea what’s in there. I haven’t looked at my lists. I accidentally removed the icon from my Dock and didn’t realize it until a few days ago.  Not only was the email a problem, but so was the hard landscape. I LIVE in the calendar on my iPhone. I’ve been too lazy to look it up, but I’m not thinking I can sync iCal to Notes. Or if I can, it’s going to require me to jump through even more hoops and beg for more help. That’s just not cool.

When I updated my iPhone’s software, they added a new app/icon - Voice Memo - and it screwed up my home screen.  I decided to go back through and look at everything that’s on my phone. I was all set to delete OmniFocus when I remembered just how wonderful it was.  As a task manager. What I didn’t think I wanted now… But I looked at all the icons on my phone. Really looked. And then I started moving them around. My redesigned home screen is just like Outlook / Notes: I have my calendar, contacts, email and to-dos all in one place. Why do I need a program on my desktop when 90% of my life is now lived on the phone?

So, I’m back to Apple Mail, iCal and OmniFocus. Just like I was several months ago when I was cruising in the GTD Fast Lane. Before I decided that I needed the new “oooh! shiny!” at any costs. I even have a WebDAV server I set up on my network which OF and iCal will sync to. (I’m going to be keeping the Cheese Grater, the MBP and the iPhone all synced as part of GTD Reboot # 3.)  It’s not quite living in the cloud, but it’s close enough. And it’s not nearly as intimidating as using a Domino server sounds.

It breaks my heart - still, continually, for ever and ever and ever - that I can’t use eProductivity on my Mac. I LOVE it at work and it does seriously bum me out that I can’t experience an eProductivity induced mind like water state at home, but it’s not eProductivity / Eric Mack’s fault. It’s all IBM’s fault…

Oh, IBM,you have made me The Stabby.

I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE GIVING UP ON ePRODUCTIVITY BECAUSE LOTUS NOTES SUCKS.

Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I thought my list was pretty simple: 1) multiple email address support, 2) tech support that doesn’t end with the sentence “ask your administrator”, 3) calendar, to-do lists, email, etc. all in one place. 4) The ability to sync it all with a minimum of difficulty.  One out of four ain’t bad, but I’m left asking how is it possible that Micro$oft can do all this and the great brains at IBM couldn’t? Outlook and Entourage may be shitty programs, but they manage to do all of the four. And do it well (all things considered).

I don’t know… I’m finally home for an extended period of time. I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything to do on my weekends until August 8th. (w00t!) In that time, I’ll be putting my office together and repopulating my OmniFocus database.

 

Time for Warped Hookers!

skinny and soup :: up or on the rocks, hartford, ct :: july 4, 2009

I love live music.

I love it so much that besides my constant trips to Connecticut to see Instrument, I’ve started traveling south to see All Crazy. We’ve slowly gotten to know some of the boys in All Crazy - Soup, Skinny, and Jay. They played Hartford on the 4th of July and Michele, Viz and I were the only people there to see the band. At some polnts, it felt like we were the only ones in the bar.  As a result, the band played to us and we got to play back.  (They *totally* need to record “Booty Beach”!!!! I really hope our votes counted!) It’s always cool to get to hang out with the band members. There’s something about having that access to them… and when they’re interested in YOU (and asking to see your Vegas wedding pictures or wishing your husband had come out to play), that makes it even better. I don’t want to sound like a groupie, because I’m *so* not. I’m just a fan of the band and their music. It’s just a bonus when you get to be a fan of the PEOPLE in the band. Does that make sense? Yeah, I have that level of access to the boys in Instrument, but I’ve known the drummer for a gazillion and a half years so it’s not the same. REALLY not the same. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I’m expected to be there and support Instrument. I don’t get that feeling when I talk to the boys of All Crazy.

But I digress. It’s because of Derek that we’re going on The Great Warped Hooker Hunt this weekend. (Yeah, you read that right.)

It was the Instrument show at Mohegan Sun last summer that brought the word “hooker” back in my vocabulary. (“OMG! Was that a hooker? That was a hooker!”) Someone had a yearning to go to a casino and it was decided that the three of us gals would go out to play. I think I re-introduced the hookers, because I don’t gamble but I’ll go to the casino to people watch. The timing worked out so that we could play on Saturday and then head in to Hartford on Sunday to see Instrument play the Warped Tour. (THE FREAKING WARPED TOUR! They got asked to play a stage at a major concert event. w00t! *happy dance*) The Hubby of Wonder is getting dragged along. This amuses me to no end.  He knows Viz well and he’s met Michele, but I’m wondering what he’ll do with the three of us. He never knows what to expect from my friends.  It makes me giggle. I think the goal is actually to break him. Again.

I’m a little overly focused on The Great Warped Hooker Hunt, because I need a major influx of fun. I want to go out, get stupid (a sober stupid - I don’t drink), and just have fun with my friends.  I need to forget about all the stress that’s been weighing me down.

I sent Soulmate Boy a final email. So far, he’s had the good sense not to respond. I tried to write it in an adult voice, to handle it maturely, but in the end it came out raw and filled with the f-bomb. He had no right to judge me or say the things he said before the email exchange began and that’s what fueled the fire in my final email. I’m sorry, but he wasn’t there to see what I’ve lived through, or how it’s affected me, and for him to pass judgement… I’m getting all worked up again. New topic.

The next wave of death infiltrated my circle of friends today. C lost a cousin and my dear friend, Nick, just lost his dad. I’m not sure what’s going on, but people are dying like flies and I am not amused. At all. My heart goes out to both of them - especially Nick.  I know what it’s like to lose a father, and while I didn’t experience the exact circumstances that he did, I know that on some level, the pain is very much the same. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m here, for both of you, if you need to talk.

OK. I’ve got a full weekend ahead of me, so I should probably get off the computer and get to bed.  Ya’ll stay out of trouble - I’ll be getting into enough for all of us!

 

You can say that again.

ayuh

I’m at my wits’ end with Soulmate Boy.

I knew that by sending him the email I would possibly reopen the lines of communication. I wasn’t sure it was something I wanted to do… but I was so badly in need of some sort of closure that I couldn’t just walk away without having the final word.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

He couldn’t give me the final word. Nope. Not him. Now, I’m left looking at his email and wondering where we go from here.

I don’t have the words I need to tell him what’s going on in my head.  Even if I did, I’m not sure either one of us would want to acknowledge what those words are. As was pointed out at lunch today, “there are some things you just can’t unsay.”  Those would definitely be unsayable words. Really unsayable words. Really, really unsayable words.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

If the first letter took ten physical drafts, I’m afraid to see how many drafts my reply will take. I’m already on mental draft # 3, which means there’s still probably a few more of those to go before I can actually write it down.  This one has to be perfect.  It cannot give him room to respond, to apologize, to break the crack in my armor open wider, to rip my still beating heart out of my chest so that he can stomp all over it again. 

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.*

The sad thing is that even if I say the unsayable things, he will always be there, waiting for me to change my mind and come back to him.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I will never be able to free myself of him.

So why am I even bothering to?

*sigh*

(*from “Unable to Get Free” by Blues Traveler)

@uconntam, in the BU room, with a hockey stick

bu’s johnny curry, in a pens jersey, celebrating the stanley cup win!

I’ve had Cowboy Mouth’s “How Do You Tell Someone” in my head now for the last few hours.

...We’ve been broken down and broken up so much that I am numb
Talk about, don’t shout about, the people we’ve become
There’s a little girl who’s cryin’ over here….

...Don’t shout at me like I was born a fool.
You speak of love and scream of love, now dare to treat me cruel
Nothing’s fair in love and war…

...Did you ever know me? I swear that I have tried.
Did you ever need me? I feel like I just died.
Did you ever want me? I swear that I have tried.
How do you tell someone you don’t love them?
How do you tell someone you don’t care anymore?
How do you tell someone you don’t love them anymore…

I sent Soulmate Boy a letter explaining to him that I can’t be his friend anymore. It was a long time in coming—maybe too long—but it took 10 drafts. There’s too much history between us for me to NOT get some closure on this, otherwise, the door stays open and there’s the potential for him to hurt me again.  I can’t let him put me in the hospital. I WON’T let him put me in the hospital.  My heart apparently can’t handle the kind of stress our “friendship” put on me. Of course, that’s easy to say…

He responded exactly how I thought he would, even though I didn’t want the response. He told me everything I wanted and needed to hear.  So, now I’m back to being conflicted over what’s best for me physically and emotionally.  He’s backed me into a corner and I’m not sure if I should “fight or flight” my way out of this.  I’ve chosen flight both times now… but despite what the song says, telling him I don’t love him anymore is the biggest lie ever and I’d never be able to fool myself into believing it.  I know he won’t be able to either.

There aren’t any easy answers… and I’d be a fool if I thought there were. I understand how you can get so wrapped in your own pain that you’re oblivious to what others are saying to you, but I can’t listen to it anymore. I’m not built for it.  I’m not sure where that leaves us.  I did send him a response so that he knew I’d read it - I owed him that much.  Of course, it was just “I need to process this,” but anything’s better than nothing.

In other news, we’re re-doing my office.  Two wall are BU red and two walls are white. (Bright white and blood red.) It’s coming out so well I can barely contain my excitement. However, me being me, I got paint all over myself and stepped in some of the red paint. Of course, I left footprints all over the drop cloth.  It seriously looked like a murder scene and totally cracked me up. It looks like (fingers crossed) that we might be able to start moving furniture in on Saturday! *happy dance*

I’m glad we’ll be done with the painting and trim earlier than anticipated. I can really use the distraction.