I run, therefore I am

December 07, 2019 :: 9:21 AM

as 2020 looms large over the horizon, I’ve found a new way to define myself

I was supposed to run a 5K last night and a half marathon tomorrow.

I ended up deferring both. The 5K was the first to go because of work. When I had originally signed up, I was at a different job. This week my boss was on vacation and I forgot to ask before I left for Thanksgiving. I ended up deferring the half because I keep fucking up my back when I run. The 5K and 10K over Thanksgiving week just about killed me. My sciatica was acting up and when it wasn’t, the pain was still unreal. I had to take time off to heal, which meant there was no way I’d be ready.

I’m heartbroken. This was my test. To see what I needed to do before Disney. I WILL NOT BE A DNF. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT. I don’t know what that means, but I have a month to figure out how to get there without the benchmark I so desperately wanted / needed. 

I did a LOT of research. A metric fuck-ton, to be exact. I know it doesn’t replace having a doctor look at it, but what I found described everything perfectly. I have a plan that involves more stretching, some that I hadn’t even thought of. I searched the Nike Workout app and found a few workouts that fit the bill. I’m going to reach out to a yoga instructor I know and she what she can offer me.  I’m excited to get going.

I was going to run the 5K last night (at home), but my night got blown to shit. We had to leave the office because they were painting. I tried to work from home and it was a disaster. Such a disaster that I ended up working an hour later than I wanted to because our West Coast office forgot I’m on the East Coast. (Bastards!)

I’m going to run the 5K today and the half tomorrow (at home, on the Deathmill) as well. It won’t be perfect, but it will give me an idea of how I’m going to perform.

I’ve even got a running plan sort of figured out for 2020… including the insanity of the Random Tuesday racery events.

I’ve set the lofty goal of doing the Dopey Challenge in 2021. My biggest hurdle is going to be the marathon, because I’ve already committed to 11 IRL races. ELEVEN. And three of them are halfs. We’re not even going go talk about the 7 guaranteed PHRC races, the 6 WRC races, and whatever the FRC decides to release.

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I’ve taken a break from Facebook. I log in about once a day, look at my fanfic groups, hang out in the Tower, check on select friends. When I post now, it’s about running because running is safe.

I can’t look at my newsfeed. The memories of happy days with the Cats. The reminder that I got fired. (Yesterday was the year anniversary of my official termination.) The endless stream of hockey stories, videos, photos that clog some of my favourite peoples’ feeds.

I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

One of my hockey loving friends texted me a photo before bed a few nights ago… It took me two Ativan before I could calm down enough to be rational. I’m only supposed to take two if shit is REALLY bad. It was beyond bad.

I thought I might go back in January but after that night, I may wait until hockey season is over. In April.

I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would.

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