I run, therefore I am

December 07, 2019 :: 9:21 AM

as 2020 looms large over the horizon, I’ve found a new way to define myself

I was supposed to run a 5K last night and a half marathon tomorrow.

I ended up deferring both. The 5K was the first to go because of work. When I had originally signed up, I was at a different job. This week my boss was on vacation and I forgot to ask before I left for Thanksgiving. I ended up deferring the half because I keep fucking up my back when I run. The 5K and 10K over Thanksgiving week just about killed me. My sciatica was acting up and when it wasn’t, the pain was still unreal. I had to take time off to heal, which meant there was no way I’d be ready.

I’m heartbroken. This was my test. To see what I needed to do before Disney. I WILL NOT BE A DNF. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT. I don’t know what that means, but I have a month to figure out how to get there without the benchmark I so desperately wanted / needed. 

I did a LOT of research. A metric fuck-ton, to be exact. I know it doesn’t replace having a doctor look at it, but what I found described everything perfectly. I have a plan that involves more stretching, some that I hadn’t even thought of. I searched the Nike Workout app and found a few workouts that fit the bill. I’m going to reach out to a yoga instructor I know and she what she can offer me.  I’m excited to get going.

I was going to run the 5K last night (at home), but my night got blown to shit. We had to leave the office because they were painting. I tried to work from home and it was a disaster. Such a disaster that I ended up working an hour later than I wanted to because our West Coast office forgot I’m on the East Coast. (Bastards!)

I’m going to run the 5K today and the half tomorrow (at home, on the Deathmill) as well. It won’t be perfect, but it will give me an idea of how I’m going to perform.

I’ve even got a running plan sort of figured out for 2020… including the insanity of the Random Tuesday racery events.

I’ve set the lofty goal of doing the Dopey Challenge in 2021. My biggest hurdle is going to be the marathon, because I’ve already committed to 11 IRL races. ELEVEN. And three of them are halfs. We’re not even going go talk about the 7 guaranteed PHRC races, the 6 WRC races, and whatever the FRC decides to release.

- - - - - - - - - -

I’ve taken a break from Facebook. I log in about once a day, look at my fanfic groups, hang out in the Tower, check on select friends. When I post now, it’s about running because running is safe.

I can’t look at my newsfeed. The memories of happy days with the Cats. The reminder that I got fired. (Yesterday was the year anniversary of my official termination.) The endless stream of hockey stories, videos, photos that clog some of my favourite peoples’ feeds.

I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

One of my hockey loving friends texted me a photo before bed a few nights ago… It took me two Ativan before I could calm down enough to be rational. I’m only supposed to take two if shit is REALLY bad. It was beyond bad.

I thought I might go back in January but after that night, I may wait until hockey season is over. In April.

I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would.

Link to this post   •   #threewords   •    •   bipolar   •    •   running  

Quidditch is a gateway drug

November 28, 2019 :: 12:28 PM

Can I call it a PB if it's my first IRL 10K? FUCK YES I CAN.

That 10K I signed up for? I went in with the lofty goal of not finishing last and finishing in less than 2 hours.

I was praying to deities that I don't believe in to finish around 1:45. (If I had kept the pace of the 5K, I would have finished in 1:40. Roughly.)

And then? ^^^ THAT ^^^ happened.

I joke that Quidditch is a gateway drug, but honestly, if it wasn't for the PHRC and the 2019 Spring Quidditch Racery event, I don't know how I would have been motivated to train.

Racery has been just what I needed to work on my endurance. I did six miles and wasn't tired at all!

I'm not afraid of thirteen miles anymore and that, more than anything, was what I needed to get out of this race.
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November 23, 2019 :: 8:41 PM

I pr'd this race by FOUR minutes. And came in at a Disney-safe pace.


That half marathon?

Still freaking out.


Today, I did a 5K that I totally wasn't prepared for... and fucking CRUSHED it. (I thought it was next weekend. Whoops.)

Then, I came home from that 5K and signed up for a 10K on Thanksgiving day.

So - I'll have done a 5K, a 10K, another 5K, and a half before the Disney half.

If I can continue to perform the way I did today, I'll be pretty happy. I've been stressing about that fucking 16 minute mile pace because my natural pace is about a 20 minute mile. The best I've ever managed on the treadmill was about 17 minutes.

Speaking of, I have this weird thing with the treadmill. I'm afraid of it. Seriously. I've done over 300 miles on the stupid fucking thing and I'm afraid of it.

It's irrational. I get it... but it is what it is. And it is too fucking hot to train outside.

Shit, even today was ridiculously warm and it's NOVEMBER.

So, despite my fear of the treadmill, despite the fact that it's a billion degrees out, and most likely due to a bad case of runner's high... I made the decision that I'm going to re-run all my virtual races in 2020.

It's 550 miles with the double counted races (PHRC/WRC Challenge Medal requirement). That's before adding in all the 2020 PHRC virtual races and any other virtual and IRL races I choose to do. I'm a Perfect Prefect for 2020, but I'm not sure about being a Whovian keyholder again. I did go back and buy all the 2019 WRC medals I was missing - partly to earn the key, but mostly so I could have more bling to open - but I'm not a huge fan of some of the designs. Fandom doesn't have a season, per se, so that doesn't matter.

I've already committed to the Disney half, the Rival Run, races at Universal, and one race locally. I'm thinking about the Miami and Sunrise half marathons, too. I'm assuming that I'll probably do the Naples Pride, Weston 4th and the Bull Run again next year, too.

2020's going to be a busy year.

Of course, 2021 is the Year of the Dopey, so why not re-earn all the medals in the mean time? I'm going to need ALL. THE. BLING. to survive training for a fucking marathon.

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I run to be free

November 03, 2019 :: 4:48 PM

I don’t even know how many miles all those medals total…

Last year, after the Universal 5K Fun Run (in December), I wrote a blog entry about how proud I was about my 80 intentional miles and how 35 of those counted towards HRC / WRC medals.

Yesterday, while closing the Nike Run Club app, I noticed that I’ve done 275 intentional miles since Spring Quidditch (in May). My medal rack went from empty to OMG, I need a new one.

Virtual runs. Fandoms. I’ve been made fun of more than once for one/the other/both… but the changes they’ve made in me have been nothing short of amazing.

I didn’t make my ten miles yesterday, and I’m still hoping I can jump from 37 to 50 miles so I can match my Spring Quidditch totals. Right now, that would move me from 274 to 181 in a field of 780 people. (If my math is correct, that would put me in the top 25%! WTAF?)

That’s an accomplishment I never thought I’d reach.

#ForBill is more than a rallying cry to a group of people who lost the House Cup by three points. #Quidditch is more than a bunch of people putting up insane miles over ten days in order for bragging rights. #Hogwarts is more than a castle. #Ravenclaw is more than just a House… It’s family. It’s home.

When we talk about #somuchgood, it’s not necessarily about the fundraising we do for charity… it’s also about the changes we make in ourselves.

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November 02, 2019 :: 10:27 AM

my binder in scrivener actually has a folder of ‘shit that needs holy water’

It’s November 2nd, which means I’m one day late in starting my NaNoWriMo project.

I wasn’t going to do NaNo this year between running and trying to get myself back into Ukrainian, but my little Yuri On Ice fan fic grew into nineteen chapters and got completely and utterly fucked at about chapter 8. Ten chapters to rewrite…

And then I reread the first 8 chapters and there are too many breadcrumbs leading up to the trainwreck.

I should plot instead of pants.

43,400+ words later, I have the plot but have to do some extensive rewriting. Changing the POV, bringing the characters back IN character. Oh,it is SO. FUCKING. BAD.

I joked on FB that there’s a difference between delete and rewrite and sprinkling some holy water in order to exorcise the bad writing.

I wish I could get away with the holy water… The power of Christ compels you to not be an utter an complete waste of FORTY THREE THOUSAND WORDS!!!!

Too bad life’s not a shitty horror movie and bad writing is harder to get rid of.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read Line and Verse (From Almaty, With Love) before editing.



Facebook reminded me that today was the day I found out my boss sold me out to the CFO the day I told him I was bipolar… and that she felt she had to walk on eggshells around me. For over a year.

I’d already asked for a private office, invoking the ADA, and was working frantically with my shrink to get the worst of it under control, but the damage had been done.

Thirteen days from today, they would come into my office at noon and tell me to leave. That I’d be allowed back after I met with their doctor.

Their doctor who made shit up and resulted in writing the report that got me fired.

Everybody who read his report knew it was nothing but lies, but there was nothing I could do. My own doctor was “biased” and not worth talking to.

I thought about suing them and I thought about going after the doctor… but in the end, I didn’t want to fight. I knew how they would talk about me and I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d be that person.

Instead, I live with a case of ‘what ifs’ and some pretty deeply rooted shame.

I can’t help that I’m bipolar. I can’t help that it flared despite my best efforts. I can’t even help the fact that it fucked me so hard that I will probably never recover. Therapy didn’t do shit (and I tried, oh did I try!) and the drugs didn’t work. So I keep on keepin’ on.

It’s all I know how to do.



Speaking of the bipolar, I’ve found that running clears my head in a way that the drugs can’t… so I’m doing yet another Racery event. (Spring Quidditch, Battle of the Fandoms 1 & 2, The Whovian Running Club’s Fall Racery event, The Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip, and now, Fall Quidditch.)

It’s a great way to push me to my limits, which I really need right now because I am woefully unprepared for the half I’m running in December.



In happier news, I decided to create my own NaNo tracker.

I need to find better Yurio quotes, but I think it’s oddly fitting given that I’m rewriting ‘The Death of the Russian Fairy’. (Which is a working title that I’m not in love with…)


Isn’t it awesome? I’m pretty proud of the way I made GoogleSheets my bitch.

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