The Mystery of the Hedgehog and the Silk Shirt

April 13, 2013 :: 10:58 PM

Nope. Not a post about Martin Freeman, although I do have to start with Sherlock. (It’s FOUR sentences. Deal with it.)

I watched “The Reichenbach Fall” again. I spent the entire hour and a half watching it from Sherlock’s perspective.It was probably more heartbreaking than watching it from John’s perspective. You finally realize how much John has changed Sherlock, and how much their friendship means to the man that doesn’t have friends.

For whatever reason, that made me think of someone: The Man with the Silk Shirt. (If you’re reading this, yeah, it’s YOU!)

Recently, an old friend decided to read all six years of crap that I’ve written here. Miraculously, he survived. Even more miraculously, he’s still speaking to me. I suppose that’s because he’s only mentioned once, and it was a nice thing.

Seriously, I wrote all this shit - I LIVED all this shit -and I still don’t want to go back and revisit half of it. I couldn’t imagine reading it without know what was going on at that point in time… some of these entries really need some context. This isn’t a blog full of stories that you could just breeze through. This is, and has always been, a cheese sandwich blog. I’m a cheese sandwich blogger. I was one long before the phrase was ever coined.

I went through the archives recently, just because. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that reading this blog, man, is HARD WORK. And I applaud him, that crazy psycho.

So anyhoo… my point was…

He said that my entires about depression were very enlightening. That the blog itself explained a lot.

He and I. We have history. Our relationship was good. It was bad. It was terrible. It was awesome. And then it was gone. I wrote about him on That Other Blog. While I’m glad that he’ll probably never know what I talked about, or how openly it was discussed, I do want to drive the point home that even though he could have shattered me into a million pieces, he never did. No matter how bad it got, I never got mad at him… and I hoped that I never hurt him. I knew at one point that I was out of control. I just didn’t know why.

Back then, it was easy to make excuses. We had our thing when my mom died, so there was a lot of Ick going on. It was easy to blame her.

Little did I know that HE was responsible for planting the seeds of what would eventually become the overwhelming self-awareness I have developed since my official diagnosis.  Little did I know that a chance encounter with him would make me undescribably happy. I don’t want to/can’t/shouldn’t go into all the details… those are better shared in person, over burgers or something… but he made more of a difference than I thought he did. Than he’ll ever know he did.

(I had to confirm this by going through the paper journals I used to keep back them. I thought that over time, I had smoothed off all the rough edges, inflated the importance of blah, blah, blah, blahbiddity, blah, blah, blah. Nope.)

It was weird to look back on those depression entries today and try to read them through his eyes.

I have no idea what he saw in them.

I know what I see in them… but I have context.

He doesn’t.

Link to this post   •   #threewords   •    •   bipolar   •    •   Friends  


April 07, 2013 :: 3:28 PM

It never fails to crack me up. NEVER.

Last night, Colin, who I’ve met several times, didn’t know who I was right away. Finally, he said, “OH! YOU’RE THE NUMBER ONE FAN!”

I’m either the girl that drives four hours, ‘New Hampshire”, or Tam, when I’m with them. ‘Number one fan’ has been thrown around before, but I’ve never been known by that. It’s something the band members have said to me, but it’s never been my identity… Considering the last number one fan wound up in the band, I’m curious as to what my future holds. *grin*

I was deemed unusually huggable and then jinxed Syracuse. (w00t! I’m so glad Michigan won! For a bunch of reasons…) My drunk friend from the last show there left me alone, which was nice. Nothing makes me happier than freaky drunk guys not recognizing me.

Apparently, the laws in Woodstock (NY) are a wee bit relaxed when it comes to illegal substances. There was a guy openly selling shrooms, and the weed. Oh, dear Dog, the weed! Being smoked on the patio like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Which I suppose it is out there in the land of peace, love, and dirty hippies. (Seriously, the one guy really needed a bath. Or some deodorant. Maybe both. Oh, and a toothbrush.)

I headed back to the hotel reeking of smoke. Both tobacco and decidedly not tobacco. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I smelled was pot. It was so strong around me that I’m surprised I didn’t get high. Then, again, I might have been high when I went to bed this morning. The dreams I had certainly couldn’t have been the product of a sober brain.  I’m blaming the dreams on the pot fumes… NOT the JohnLock fan fic I read before bed, or the fact that I fell asleep watching Sherlock. Nope. Not at all.

(Suddenly, I’ve been leaning towards Parent!Lock… sweet, established relationship, with none of the smut or fluff. It seems like that’s the closest I can get to my brOPT!Lock sometimes, so I’ve been putting up with it for now.)

Did I just Sherlock a blog entry about Black Mountain Symphony?


Link to this post   •   #threewords   •    •   music is life   •    •   so many fandoms   •    •   Travel  

Get lit… responsibly

April 04, 2013 :: 9:29 PM

I know certain people, if they’re still bothering to read this and continuing to pass judgement on things they don’t understand, will disagree, but damn I have come a long way since my mother died.

It’s not like I had a choice, of course. Life goes on and 21 years is a lot of life to live.

And damn, have I been living.

I giggled maniacally when I got my t-shirt from Firefly Hollow Brewing Company. (My friend is starting a brewery and I donated some cash. NBD.)

See? THAT.

I supported a brewery. A place where people make ALCOHOL. The same substance that killed both my parents.

Every day at work, I drink water out of a Magic Hat pint glass. (Magic Hat, of course, makes alcohol. Beer, but whatevs.) I have also worn the snot out of my Magic Hat t-shirts. (God, that was a good trip. Glory days, blah blah blah… Movin’ on.)

The girl who used to hate booze in all forms.

Not only does she display brewery logos willingly she GOES TO BARS.

As J put it so eloquently, “YOU’RE IN A FUCKING BAR!”


I go to bars now.

A lot. Too much.

I’ve logged too much time in bars to still be the girl who hates alcohol with the passion I used to.

I don’t like it. I will never understand why people drink. I will never drink.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t buy a round, or support my friends with their dreams of owning a brewery.

Link to this post   •   #threewords   •    •   Friends   •    •   music is life   •    •   Travel  

Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey

March 31, 2013 :: 12:51 PM

I keep giggling over the photos of the TARDIS and Dalek I took almost 5 years ago.

We’re in the middle of a Doctor Who marathon (again - because it has been a bitch getting caught up), and Eleven’s use of Ten’s “wibbly wobbly”  like phrases bothers the shit out of me. He just doesn’t deliver it right.

But, it reminded me of when Rose was with Nine and she left all those Bad Wolf clues for herself. Apparently, I’m a Donna / Rose hybrid because I left clues of my Whovian future, but didn’t remember doing so.

It fits the pattern: Fascination with a blue box and a weird robot. Check. White Subaru. Check. Mazda purchased in MA that was supposed to be delivered to a dealership in Manchester, CT. Check. Job down the street from a place I used to work. Check. The friends I thought would be there forever and the massive fights. Check. Finally getting the German Shepherd I’d always wanted. Check.

A perfect circle - kinda.


We went to Boston yesterday - kind of to make up for the post-lay off trip. There were some things I wanted to buy at Levenger, but couldn’t afford. So, we went back and I treated myself with some of my birthday money. And then we headed to Target, where I bought some stuff for my desk at work. And “The Hobbit”... not because I’m particulary interested in the movie, but because my brOTP is in it. Granted, one’s a dragon and one’s The Hobbit, but still.

I love Boston… if I was going to live in a US city, it would be there. I’m not a city girl, but I love being able to go there whenever I want. It feels like home.Like I’ve said before, London makes me feel the same way. Walking through Boston, through the Common and the Public Garden, reminded me of Hyde Park and St. James’ Park. It was kind of bittersweet - I need to be in London in April, but I can’t go, and it KILLS me. We’re going to have to figure out how to get there soon, but with the new job, I just don’t know how that’s going to happen. (DAMN MY NEW JOB!)

Possibly related: since I fucked up and took a job with a small local company, how the hell are we supposed to move there?


(I’ve been reading way too much brit-picked JohnLock fanfic and since I’m writing my own JL fan fic, I’ve had to immerse myself in the language. A huge apology to all my British friends… I probably sound ridiculous and I do promise that I will never use the phrase ‘chip and pin machine’ when referring to a self-serve checkout machine at a grocery store. Just be glad I’m not attempting the accent!)


BC lost to Union last night. This is the first time the BC Senior class has lost a championship game. Awwww.. my heart breaks for them. NOT!  UMASS-Lowell is going to the Frozen Four. I’m not a huge RiverHawks fan, but I’m glad it’s them and not UNH or BC.

And so life goes on - Doctor Who, Johnlock, and college hockey.

Not a bad way to spend a Sunday.

Link to this post   •   #threewords   •    •   so many fandoms   •    •   Travel  


March 30, 2013 :: 7:56 PM



look! the tardis! and a dalek!

I took these photos of the TARDIS and a Dalek the last time we were in London. That would be September of 2008… long before I became a Whovian. I don’t remember what possessed me to take them, but I am totally laughing my ass off right now because I did.

It’s yet another interesting way my life is circling back.

For example, this new job? Literally down the street from a place I used to work at when we first moved back to New England.


Found this in a JohnLock fanfic and decided it was worth keeping…

You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. If a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. - Daniell Koepke

I know there are probably a few people who are all like “pot? meet kettle.” and that’s fine. The door swings both ways.


Link to this post   •   #threewords   •    •   so many fandoms