(Using the picture of Jonah again since it was posted on an entry that’s since been removed. Sorry, I like it.)

Lately, I’ve got this “I don’t really like my friends” feeling. It’s not ALL my friends, really… just one in particular, but some days its easier to not like all of them than to keep thinking about the one on an endless loop. (Division = distraction? I don’t know… it’s just how I’m rolling lately.)

From random comments that were totally unnecessary, to engaging in stupid, dangerous activities, they’re just disappointing me left and right.

It’s a person I would have taken a bullet for and trusted to do the same for me. Or I used to.

Which brings me to this whole trust thing.

We don’t always trust the right people and from the outside it may look like they don’t deserve our trust, but it’s what happens over a certain amount of time that solidifies whether or not they’ve earned it. I’ve written before about my Tower of London - the walls you have to breach before I take a bullet for you. It’s not like I’m all “I’d trust you with my life” after 5 minutes. You may THINK I trust you because I’m an open book with you, but you only get to hear what I think you deserve. Romantic involvement (or rumors thereof) or big time crushes aren’t enough to justify that kind of trust. Again, there needs to be a certain history of give and take and proving that you’re worthy. Which is a HUGE reason why their disappearance from my life is killing me. When someone puts you in a position where your friends are worried about your safety, it’s time to let them go.

No. Matter. What.

You would think I would have learned that in the 90’s when I physically restrained him, a suicidal Marine. Little me vs. big, ol’ strong him - I got really lucky he didn’t hurt me. Despite giving him the boot immediately after that, I continued to hold out hope. Then, he reentered my life, caused real physical issues, and I knew I had to say good-bye for good.

I KNOW I can never trust him again…

and it’s freaking killing me emotionally.

It’s not helping that people have gotten involved in this little drama because it’s got nothing to do with them. I really, really, really want to match venom with venom but I’ve opted instead for passive aggression. It’s not a path I’m comfortable taking, but there’s no way I’m going to let the comments slide. Especially when they were among the “let it go” camp, but now that I’m needed and I refuse to help, they forget that.

Hold on, kids. It’s about get interesting around here.

(Using this picture again since the original post it was featured in has been taken down. Sorry, but I like it!)

I went out to dinner with a friend on Wednesday and we were talking about various things, but the conversation kept coming back to key facets of my personality.

I had had an interesting conversation with the Honey at the Hungry Tiger show a few weeks ago which hit on a lot of the same points.

It’s very interesting to me to see that both of them came to the same conclusion from two very, very, very different angles.

On the drive home from Portsmouth, both conversations kept playing in my head and it struck me that not only is 2009 the year of clarity, closure, cookies and stupid boys, it’s also the year that I started to really define who I am.

I came to terms with my relatives. Some I’ve let go for good, despite wishing things could be different. It was hard to decide to let them back in, but surprisingly easy to say goodbye.  It’s true: apples don’t fall far from their trees… and I knew exactly what type of apples they were. On the other hand, I let some back in. I’m working on letting them in all the way. Any of the reasons I had to distance myself from them have since been resolved. I honestly thought the results would have been the opposite of the reality. Eh. I’ve been known to be wrong.

I’m still struggling to come to terms with the end of my relationship with Soulmate Boy. I’ve defined our friendship for so long as what it used to be. Slowly, I’m getting comfortable with the idea that he’s not really my soulmate any more. That person is dead. He died back in the late 1990s. This new person? I don’t really see a future with him anymore. I’m still searching for news on his arrest and the related drama, but last week, I received a good, solid, beat-down with a massive clue x four. Things haven’t been OK between us for a long time and they will never be again.

I’m working towards getting comfortable with my Ukrainian heritage. After one meeting, I was named the co-president of the Boston chapter of the UNWLA. I had a complete breakdown at the UkieFest. I’ve got software to help me learn the basics, and I have a 40 year old “My First Dictionary”. Pronunciation issues aside, I’ll at least be able to write the language. Kind of. Sort of. I hope. We’ll see where it goes. The HUGE Ukie Festival in Toronto is the weekend of my father’s birthday and I’m feeling like a road trip might be in order. This becoming who I am (a Ukrainian-American, if you haven’t been following along) is definitely not a someday/maybe thing anymore, that’s for sure. 

I’m building a new social circle… people I went to college with, people I went to high school with, and other assorted people. I used the network I built at the GTD Summit to help out our Best Man. I’ve become “New Hampshire!” to several people. I get shout outs in bars. I GO to bars. (That last statement alone is mind blowing.) I’ve stopped having panic attacks when I go to places by myself. I’m finally becoming comfortable being a more social creature.

And let’s not forget the boys of Instrument. Apparently, I have “MAJORLY found my happy” by hanging out with them and helping them out. Granted, I can’t get motivated to finish the fan site, but I’m active on the @instrumentfans twitter stream (even if it is nothing but reminders of shows and stuff… at least it’s out there), trying hard to keep the Facebook group up, taking pictures, and helping them when they’re on the road far from home and when they need some down and dirty graphic stuff (like the @instrumentband twitter background). I’m the first to admit that I do bitch a lot about the travel, but at the same time I find it so rewarding. So, I’m going to make an effort to STFU about the travel and just focus on the fun.

A few years ago, when my father passed away, and I started really wondering who I was, I never thought I’d be the person I’ve become today. I haven’t really walked the path that I chose to take when the decision was made to move back to New England. I wander off of it all the time, but I do come back from time to time, to kind of “check in” I guess. I’ll eventually become the person I want to be…

It’s just that throwing out the map and taking the scenic route makes me a much better me. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!

While there have been pockets of my life lately that cross into definite “FML” territory, there are more moments that are sitting squarely on the “insane amount of fun” side.

For starters, I’m trying hard to get my British friend, Nick, to cross the pond and come play with me. As a result, I’ve come up with two unique takes on British / American history for his visit to Boston.

# 1 (and probably the easiest to do): Host the Boston T Party.  We’ll hijack a Green Line trolley, hire a marching band, get a pony and terrorize Comm Ave.

# 2 (my favorite idea): We’re going to re-enact the Battle of Archie Bunker. This involves throwing a Brit in a platypus costume into Boston Harbor while we recite racial slurs learned through repeated watchings of “All in the Family.” There may or may not be Boston Baked Beans involved… But at any rate, I’m looking forward to seeing Nick in a platypus costume more than anything. 

I’m going to need some more time to work out the specifics of the T hijacking and come up with more unique takes on Boston’s role in American history.  (“Listen my children and you shall hear of the midnight chug of a bottle of beer..” What? How about “Pi if by land and the square root of cheese if by sea…”?) It’s only fair that he get the same look at Boston that he gave us when we visited him in London! (Ok, so maybe our London tour was a wee bit more factual, but any one can read a guide book! )

Speaking of Boston—assuming Hurricane Bill stays away from the Greater Boston area tomorrow, I’m off to see Instrument rock SoWa Sundays. I’m thrilled that they’re finally playing a decent distance from my house for a change.  Of course, the next time they’re in Boston, they’re playing the Middle East and it’s the same night as the BU/BC game at Agganis Arena. I’ve actually emailed Ben and asked him if he needed a copy of the hockey schedule.  (Seriously, the BU/BC game?!? I would NEVER miss that game. NEVER. *sigh*)

See? Fun!

I’ve taken down the two entries about Bryan… because I didn’t want to look at them anymore. It hurts me too much to think about what’s he going through.

Instead, I offer you this:

Charlie the Unicorn # 3

I have to blog this because I don’t know how else to process this.

Police arrest man in standoff in Shelton, CT

I took a quick 5 minute break a few hours ago and checked out Facebook. I was overwhelmed with the number of statuses that were about my friend, Bryan. (Better known around these parts as “Soulmate Boy”.)

He defriended me on FB a few weeks ago, after our last e-mail exchange, so I had no idea what could have caused the interweb to go all insane like that. Well, I DID have an idea, but no way to prove it.

A quick FB message and a phone call later, I got the news I was dreading…

His Facebook status read: “God forgive me for what I have done and what I’m about to do.”

It turns out he had (yet another) incident with his estranged wife and thought it’d be a good idea to barricade himself in some random house with a shotgun.  There were two shots fired and the major news stations in CT were reporting that he had surrendered peacefully. I had, of course, assumed the worst. It was hard not to, knowing his history of suicide attempts. (I had actually been there to talk him out of one of his earliest attempts… this behavior goes back a loooong time.)  He is dangerously off-balance and in major need of some big-time psychiatric help. Maybe being arrested will FINALLY force him to really get the help he needs.

I wish I could have been strong enough to continue pointing him down the path he needed to take… he WAS listening to me, at the very least. I just wasn’t strong enough to continue and so I let him go. It’s easy for my friends to say that I had to let him go because it was what was best for me and God knows, I’ve said that to people myself, but… With our history, with that deep, deep love I still have for him, letting him go this final time was just as hard on me as losing my father. I downplayed it a lot, but it hurt me every bit as badly.

I have too many opinions on this - opinions that I cannot, will not, put out here - but they’re there and I will have to find the best way to rip him a new one. I don’t want to reopen the lines of communication with him, but it’s gone too far. I know him too well to let this go.

I’m not a religious person by any means, but this is running through my head right now, and I think it’s a sign…

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Wish me luck, ya’ll.