running

I run to be free


November 03, 2019 :: 4:48 PM

I don’t even know how many miles all those medals total…

Last year, after the Universal 5K Fun Run (in December), I wrote a blog entry about how proud I was about my 80 intentional miles and how 35 of those counted towards HRC / WRC medals.

Yesterday, while closing the Nike Run Club app, I noticed that I’ve done 275 intentional miles since Spring Quidditch (in May). My medal rack went from empty to OMG, I need a new one.

Virtual runs. Fandoms. I’ve been made fun of more than once for one/the other/both… but the changes they’ve made in me have been nothing short of amazing.

I didn’t make my ten miles yesterday, and I’m still hoping I can jump from 37 to 50 miles so I can match my Spring Quidditch totals. Right now, that would move me from 274 to 181 in a field of 780 people. (If my math is correct, that would put me in the top 25%! WTAF?)

That’s an accomplishment I never thought I’d reach.

#ForBill is more than a rallying cry to a group of people who lost the House Cup by three points. #Quidditch is more than a bunch of people putting up insane miles over ten days in order for bragging rights. #Hogwarts is more than a castle. #Ravenclaw is more than just a House… It’s family. It’s home.

When we talk about #somuchgood, it’s not necessarily about the fundraising we do for charity… it’s also about the changes we make in ourselves.

*poof*


November 02, 2019 :: 10:27 AM

my binder in scrivener actually has a folder of ‘shit that needs holy water’

It’s November 2nd, which means I’m one day late in starting my NaNoWriMo project.

I wasn’t going to do NaNo this year between running and trying to get myself back into Ukrainian, but my little Yuri On Ice fan fic grew into nineteen chapters and got completely and utterly fucked at about chapter 8. Ten chapters to rewrite…

And then I reread the first 8 chapters and there are too many breadcrumbs leading up to the trainwreck.

I should plot instead of pants.

43,400+ words later, I have the plot but have to do some extensive rewriting. Changing the POV, bringing the characters back IN character. Oh,it is SO. FUCKING. BAD.

I joked on FB that there’s a difference between delete and rewrite and sprinkling some holy water in order to exorcise the bad writing.

I wish I could get away with the holy water… The power of Christ compels you to not be an utter an complete waste of FORTY THREE THOUSAND WORDS!!!!

Too bad life’s not a shitty horror movie and bad writing is harder to get rid of.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read Line and Verse (From Almaty, With Love) before editing.

 

——-


Facebook reminded me that today was the day I found out my boss sold me out to the CFO the day I told him I was bipolar… and that she felt she had to walk on eggshells around me. For over a year.

I’d already asked for a private office, invoking the ADA, and was working frantically with my shrink to get the worst of it under control, but the damage had been done.

Thirteen days from today, they would come into my office at noon and tell me to leave. That I’d be allowed back after I met with their doctor.

Their doctor who made shit up and resulted in writing the report that got me fired.

Everybody who read his report knew it was nothing but lies, but there was nothing I could do. My own doctor was “biased” and not worth talking to.

I thought about suing them and I thought about going after the doctor… but in the end, I didn’t want to fight. I knew how they would talk about me and I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d be that person.

Instead, I live with a case of ‘what ifs’ and some pretty deeply rooted shame.

I can’t help that I’m bipolar. I can’t help that it flared despite my best efforts. I can’t even help the fact that it fucked me so hard that I will probably never recover. Therapy didn’t do shit (and I tried, oh did I try!) and the drugs didn’t work. So I keep on keepin’ on.

It’s all I know how to do.

 

——-


Speaking of the bipolar, I’ve found that running clears my head in a way that the drugs can’t… so I’m doing yet another Racery event. (Spring Quidditch, Battle of the Fandoms 1 & 2, The Whovian Running Club’s Fall Racery event, The Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip, and now, Fall Quidditch.)

It’s a great way to push me to my limits, which I really need right now because I am woefully unprepared for the half I’m running in December.

 

——-


In happier news, I decided to create my own NaNo tracker.

I need to find better Yurio quotes, but I think it’s oddly fitting given that I’m rewriting ‘The Death of the Russian Fairy’. (Which is a working title that I’m not in love with…)

 

Isn’t it awesome? I’m pretty proud of the way I made GoogleSheets my bitch.

Let the insanity begin!


September 02, 2019 :: 10:48 AM

the countdown to september 6th begins

We have a four day weekend because we’re waiting for Dorian to hit. We may have Wednesday off, too, depending on what happens.

As much as I hate the idea of missing work because of a fucking HURRICANE I’m also pleased that the number of days at my soon-to-be former job are winding down quickly.

I would have loved to take a week off between jobs to reset; this isn’t the way I would have wanted to do it, but I’m enjoying the time off.

Even if it is in an unnaturally dark house because all the windows are covered with hurricane shutters…

 

- - - - - - - - - -

Let’s talk about the old job for a moment, shall we?

On Tuesday, the other three people in the finance department found out. Before we left the boss’s office, she said that it was to stay within the department.

On Wednesday, I was pulled into my boss’s office because a person I don’t talk to and a person I couldn’t pick out of a police line-up knew. I didn’t even tell the person in the pod who sits across from me and I would have told her on Monday, but I didn’t.

During that conversation, it came out that Bully #1 was the one that spilled the beans. Tuesday. As soon as my notice became official. Before she flew out the door for her vacation.

Bully #1 is being written up AGAIN… as soon as we get back to the office. This ought to be interesting.

On Thursday, I ate lunch outside for the first time in three weeks. (I’d been eating in my car - nice and quiet and away from the annoying woman I normally eat lunch with). She asked if I was upset. I have nothing to lose so I told her I was angry that words were being put into my mouth, things that I said in confidence were being thrown back in my face and oh yeah, I’m leaving. She said she didn’t know that, so I fired back that I highly doubted it.

Here’s the thing, the two people who knew were in lunch lady’s pod. I haven’t talked to her, and on Tuesday, Bully #1 was seen talking to her before she left. Gee, I wonder…

 

- - - - - - - - - -

Racery starts again on September 6th.

This time, I’m on two teams: Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip 2019: Back to School (WTF is a Crimson) and the Fandom Running Club’s Battle of the Fandoms II (Team on Fire).

So excited to do this - thankfully, the miles count for both teams. I managed 50 miles for Quidditch, a lame 35 for Battle #1. Since I’m training for the half marathon, I’m hoping to pass the 50 miles I did in Quidditch. Ideally, I want to cap (15 miles/day) at least once… I had a hard time getting the 35 miles for Battle #1, but those issues are behind me. I hope.

All the stress I’ve been carrying because of the old job is almost behind me. I just need to survive three (two?) more days.

I’m starting to feel like the old me; the pre-work bullshit me.

Life is getting better. I can work with that.

Crossroads


August 11, 2019 :: 11:56 AM

oh, my heart

Did a 5K yesterday. 91 degrees, 91 percent humidity. Ending up speed walking it because I’m not used to being on pavement. (That treadmill was either the best idea or the worst… I think, after yesterday, it might be the worst. I can’t do roads.)

Ended up 15 seconds slower than my personal IRL best, so I guess I can’t complain. Didn’t come in dead last, either, so I guess that’s something.

My medal rack is filling up. Even if the majority of those medals are from virtual races.

Of course, I’m still cranky that some one said I was “virtually” running the Random Tuesday races.

I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that.

 

——-

I’m getting a part-time job and hoping that helps me change some things in my life.

The sooner we pay this house off, the sooner we’re moving back to New England. (Well, I’m moving, at least. We’ll see what he decides. LOL) I’ve got us on a ten year plan that seems to be working, but with this job? We can do it in seven. That’s not bad with a 30 year mortgage. Of course, we’ve already been in the house a year, so… it’s more like an eight year plan, I guess.

At the very least, the side hustle will pay for race registrations.

At the moment, I’ve got the Palm Beach 5K and Half in December, the Disney half in January, the Rival Run Weekend in April and the Dopey in 2021 planned. I want to fit in the Sunrise and Miami Half Marathons as well. They’re expensive and I don’t have a cheering section at the moment, so who knows. It’s lonely crossing a finish line with no one at the end to cheer you (specifically) on. I hate the idea of doing a half locally and not having anyone there. There’s always crowds of Random Tuesday folks at Disney, so that should be OK.

 

——-

Shit hit the fan at work on Thursday. I took Friday off and spent the day soul searching and fighting a migraine.

Definitely not something I’d do again, seeing how all that thinking made the headache worse.

But, the decision’s been made and now it’s up to someone else to decide what happens.

If they want to continue to run a department where tempers flare ALL THE TIME then they can. I won’t be a part of it.

If they want to run a department that’s pleasant and where work actually gets done, I’ll stay.

I’m tired of getting in the middle of shit because I’m the one everyone vents to.

In the meantime, I’m going to hang out with my imaginary friends and control their lives… whether that’s the Sims or via fanfic, I have no idea, but living in a fictional world seems like a better idea than living in the real one today.

I can speak French, too


July 26, 2019 :: 8:22 PM

I needed that laugh so much today…

So. Racery.

Nerf Herders came in first for both the quickest lap around New Zealand and then came in first for the most miles completed. I don’t have the exact numbers, but a lap was something like 1,400 miles. We did 4,444.0. Seriously. May the fours be with you…

Speaking of the OG Fandom, guess who dropped an insane amount of money to run ALL the Rival Run races?

5K? Hell yeah!

10K? Bring it on.

Half marathon? LET’S DO THIS!

Virtual Half? Pew, pew, pew!

Who needs to buy food and pay the mortgage when there are Disney races to be run?

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