Святосла́в Вакарчу́к :: Океан Ельзи
We leave for Ukraine in about a month, give or take, and I am FREAKING out. I’m still not where I want to be with the language, and I doubt that I’ll ever be there. I’m working with a tutor five days a week and thinking about kicking my social anxiety in the ass and reaching out to find some language partners for the weekends.
Today alone, I worked with some flashcards in Memrise, struggled to translate a few sentences in my Drarry fanfic and am currently putting off attempting to read Harry Potter.
I think it’s safe to say progress is fucking sloooooooooooooow. But at least there’s progress, and it’s measurable.
I got a little pissed off at fencing the other night. My coach / instructor is Puerto Rican and I happened to mention that I was Ukrainian. He told me that I wasn’t because I didn’t grow up speaking the language. Oh, excuse me. I didn’t realise that not growing up in a Ukrainian household changed the components of my DNA. (And let’s not discuss the fact that he isn’t American, but thinks he is… GRRRR!) [ETA: Yes, I know PR is an American territory, but he didn’t grow up on the continent / in one of the 50 states, so using his logic, I don’t think he should be considered an American. But what do I know? I’m just pissy because he refused to acknowledge something that I’ve been working so hard to embrace.]
In other news:
Work is bothersome. The depression still hasn’t left. Fencing doesn’t make me feel better. I’ve changed my diet and I’m not losing weight.
And I’m beyond terrified of the current situation in the States. This whole Trump candidacy feels like one big nightmare we can’t wake up from… I can’t live in a world where he’s the better choice to run this country. I can’t do it. I don’t like Hillary, either, and I think the third party candidates are wasted votes… All I can do at this point is try to figure out how to leave the States and not come back. Hopefully, the husband comes with me, but it probably wouldn’t be a deal breaker if he didn’t.
Yeah. It’s that bad.
And on that cheerful note, it’s time to get back to Гаррі Поттер.
I know people mean well, but telling me I should learn Russian because it’s same as Ukrainian / Ukrainians don’t actually speak Ukrainian / Ukrainian is a made up language - a Slavic Esperanto (????) can truly go fuck themselves.
I am Ukrainian. I will learn Ukrainian.
And, I’m actually doing quite well. There’s been a huge time and financial commitment to it, but it’s starting to pay off in dividends. My memory sucks thanks to one of my bipolar meds. (I suppose that after being stable for so many years it’s about time for some side effects.) I’ve been working on different memory techniques and some of them seem to be working. I think the most major thing I’ve done is to focus solely on five days a week with the one tutor. She’s great to work with, never rushes anything, and doesn’t confuse me with random vocabulary and grammar rules.
If anything, I’m the one confusing her. Today’s un-translateable phrase: Ride it out. As in, I’m in a bitch of a depression and there’s nothing I can do except ride it out.
Oh yeah. Let’s chat about that, shall we?
I’m sick of finding jobs that are perfect on the surface and total shit once the honeymoon period wears off.
The woman that took the job I should have been promoted to has done nothing but spend money. Her boss constantly tells the rest of us that’s there’s no money left to spend in the budget, but she can bring on an extra body to do the stuff she can’t be bothered to do (STUFF SHE WAS HIRED TO DO), bring in a super expensive IT consultant who has done nothing but fuck up both individual computers and the company network infrastructure as a whole, AND now, she’s decided to wage a war on paper and bring in this super ridiculous paperless system thing. But, you know, there’s no money in the budget for things that are actually NECESSARY.
And let’s talk about that extra body, shall we? I. Am. Fucking. Bored. To. Tears. I don’t have enough work to keep me busy and despite asking / begging for more responsibilities, THEY HIRED SOMEONE TO DO THINGS I COULD, I WOULD, AND I SHOULD BE DOING.
I ended up taking today off because I crashed so fucking hard, I didn’t think I could handle going into work. Seriously. There was no way I could adult. I could barely get out of bed. I had my Ukrainian lesson and learned how to say fight through the depression and things like that, but after that? I was done. It’s been a long year and a half…
The paranoia that the extra person is in line to take what is rightfully mine has reached an all-time high. The anger that she’s there, doing things I could be doing / learning has also reached an all-time high. I want to punch her in the face every time I see her, every time I hear her voice. My heart has started acting up again. I’m back on my anti-anxiety meds. I’m completely miserable and I don’t know how to change things. I even sent an email flat out stating that I was taking over x, y, and z - but even those things can’t keep me that busy.
Me plus being bored is a recipe for disaster.
On the plus side, my Ukrainian translation of my Drarry fic is slow going, but at least there’s real measurable progress to be seen. Of course, I’ve been doing the bulk of that translation during working hours because I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO.
So. Yeah. At least there’s that.
Стіна, Для тебе, і Мить
Gearing up for a concert that I don’t yet have tickets for… but I have THREE alarms set on my phone so I don’t miss the presale.
That’s not obsessive, is it?
I just came back from a week in Phoenix and I AM DYING.
I went on this business trip with an extroverted co-worker and even though we had separate hotel rooms and were in separate classes, she was like this huge energy vampire whenever we were in each other’s company.
I got home well after midnight last night and was just so emotionally drained that there was no chance I would be functional today.
I’m pissed and disappointed, but judging by the amount of energy I’ve had today, I definitely wouldn’t have survived. I lost $75 if they won’t let me reschedule. I don’t mind losing it; it was for the best.
I also cancelled my trip to the Putnam Den to see Black Mountain Symphony.
In happier news - here’s a kick ass cover of Okean Elzy’s “In Heaven / In the Sky” (depending on the translator, I guess)
Life is weird.
A lot is going on at work… I’ll be there a year in April, and it’s been a rough year in about a thousand different ways. I’ve been re-evaluating my position there regarding where I want to be, where I am, where I’ve been. It hasn’t been looking good for them, and I’ve seriously been thinking about updating my resume and putting it out there. Just in case.
So. Of course, the controller has to take a new interest in me.
We’ve actually talked. Had real discussions about the service department’s accounting practices and procedures. Things that make me think I want to stay… for at least another six months.
I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo in April. I’m not planning on doing much in Camp, but I do want to try translating my best Drarry fanfic. Even if it’s something as simple as finding and replacing every instance of Harry and Draco’s names with the Ukrainian equivalent. I’m also thinking that I’ll dump in whatever words I know and worry about verb tenses and cases later. It’s a start. There’re a few authors who have done Ukrainian fanfic for Potter, Teen Wolf, and Supernatural. Worst case scenario, I’ll leave a comment on a recent story and ask them to beta read.
I turn 41 tomorrow and Mom’s 24th (!!!!) anniversary was yesterday. It was rough this year. The uptick in Ukrainian lessons and finalising the trip to Lviv have been kicking my ass - emotionally as much as mentally. It’s been a strange few months.
I’ve been working out and running from Zombies. Doing things I never thought I’d do, like eating fucking yogurt and ENJOYING it. I’ve even been cutting back on the Coke. Me. I used to have a three can a day habit. Now I’m maybe having one a day.
I even managed to break the treadmill so we replaced it with a Bowflex Max. I didn’t buy into the hype - but it’s a stair stepper / elliptical thing that doesn’t take up a whole lot of room and it was the same price as a nice treadmill. That thing is a bitch. I can’t even do the “MAX” interval training thing: 14 minutes 3 times a week and you’ll lose a billion pounds in a month! I’m basically walking on it for a half hour at a whack. It’s much harder than a treadmill, that’s for sure.
I even decided to sign up for GORUCK University. It’s a bunch of classes on how to create a rucking environment and then there’s a GORUCK Light Challenge and a 5K Ruck. 7 hours of Good Livin’ in MAY. MAY 2016. LIKE TWO MONTHS FROM NOW.
I am so fucked.
But, I’m doing something right: I’m down almost 10 pounds in like two weeks and I don’t feel like it’s been a huge change to get there.
So there’s that.