bipolar

Welcome back, panic attacks.


November 14, 2013 :: 12:48 PM

spn behind the scenes…

One of my recruiters submitted my resume for a position with a company named “Beaver somethingorother”. BEAVER! My inner twelve year old went completely bat shit and I laughed for about 20 minutes. No lie.

I’m meeting with a recruiter tomorrow after breakfast with a friend. He’s got a part time to full time / temp to perm job that I’m interested in. It’s part time to start at a pretty good hourly rate, and if it grows, 40 hours at a better rate. It will keep me busy… it’s not like I’m getting any more offers at the moment. I can barely get interviews and I can’t find anything that I’m even qualified for on all the job boards. My well is run dry…

So… this part time thing, who know? Might work out. Might not.

It couldn’t be any where near as bad as Tuesday.

Holy hell, Tuesday was TERRIBLE.

I went to Newburyport (absolute hellhole to work in - parking is HORRENDOUS) and started temping for this CPA. He gives me this list of 4 things to do. I can’t even read his damn handwriting, so I ask him what he wants. He looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language. Then he says he wants financial statements. OK. He doesn’t say what period, so I assume, hey, it’s early November, he wants October’s financials. I give him October’s he tells me he wants the entire year. OK. I give him those. This client isn’t on a calendar year. Well, why didn’t you say so?  It took me forever to find what I was looking for, too, whether it was on the computer or in the office.

It went like that ALL day. Like I was just expected to know stuff. He told me he was expecting me to do journal entries. OF WHAT? WHICH COMPANY? He called me stupid and told me that this job was way beyond my reach. Only because I couldn’t read his mind…

So, yeah. Left him at 4:30 and was one and done.

——

Spent today fighting with Apple. Can’t get a fucking film to download. AGAIN. I’m so sick of having these problems with them. My iTunes account is FILLED with credits for film rentals and music because they’re trying to make it right… Yeah, give me free access to more shit I can’t get.

Also, speaking of Apple issues - it doesn’t recognize my Wacom tablet any more. Somewhere along the line, the mapping between the tablet and the computer got horked. Went in to the system preferences to fix it and I don’t have a recognized tablet.

Also, also - Had to do an online skill assessment and BOOM! Can’t do that either. Their website requires Java. All three of my browsers have Java. Not one of the three worked with their website…

I. AM. FUCKING. DONE.

——


Been queasy all day. Have barely eaten. Heart rate has been elevated… Panic Attack city over here and it’s just been getting worse all day.

——

In other, happy news, I sent off my request for my grandfather’s birth certificate.

Hopefully I have better luck with that than I did everything else.

Migraines and misery and warm fuzzies


November 13, 2013 :: 9:46 AM

sassy benedict is sassy

Where to begin?

I’ve not felt well since Friday, when I walked away from an offer and passed up a third interview.

The self-doubt was paralysing.

Apparently, it was something I should have listened to.

I didn’t even get a second interview at the restaurant… which was the entire reason I walked away from everything else.

So, yeah. Migraines and misery. The stress wasn’t bad enough as it was, so the bipolar cranked it up to eleventy billion.

And now my brain feels like it’s about to crawl out of my eyeballs, noise hurts, food is just a bad idea, and even brushing my hair caused unbearable agony.

I’m absolutely miserable.

I hate myself for walking away.

I hate myself for letting my hope get out of control.

I hate myself for yet another bad employment related decision.

——

But just when I thought I really wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground, I got this comment on “PARIS”...

*stifled whimpers* agh *shattering noise* b-but *sobbing* THERE WAS SPOONING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rolling on the ground in agony* *clutches knees to chest* FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXX THEMMMMMMMM MARTIN YOU IDIOT AND DOUGLAS FUCKING SAY YOU DONT WANT A ONE NIGHT STAND GOD DAMMIT GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES
... i liked it

And then, I got this one:

Please tell me this isn’t how it ends! :( I can’t bear it.  Why can’t they just get it together? This is just not fair.

A little background since you’re probably not reading it - Martin’s crushing on Douglas. Douglas is crushing on Martin. They decide to sleep together in the same bed. (Just sleep, no sex. I am TERRIBLE at M/M sex scenes. Really terrible.) That does wind up with a little bit of Douglas kissing Martin and then Martin freaks out and pulls away. Then he initiates a kiss, and Douglas pulls away. Martin assumes that all Douglas wants is a one night stand… which couldn’t be farther from the truth. At any rate, the chapter ends with Douglas throwing Martin out of his bed and the two end up heartbroken and in their own beds. There may or may not be a little crying going on.

It’s a real downer of an ending. It’s terrible and I am so sorry that that’s the way it went, but…

Basically, at this point, it’s all dictation. The boys ignored the arc of the trilogy. They definitely wanted to stretch out the tale of their relationship (remember when it bloated to five parts?) and it was hard to reel them back in. So, this happened.

I’ve been getting comments on the Johnlock and “HARTFORD” on how sweet and fluffy they are, and then I write this heartbreaking shit.

I’m amazed with the way I pulled it off and I’m more amazed at the reactions I received.

I knew that I was doing something right when I got that first comment. I really knew I was doing something very right when I got the second. To know that my writing that has that much power… it’s humbling and exciting.

I highly doubt I’ll ever publish a book like I wanted to when I was younger - and, really, I don’t even want to try any more - but publishing little crappy bits of fan fiction is fulfilling enough.

It really is.

And I’m just going to focus on the fact that I do have talent and that people like what I spent months on. That the four (five?) different drafts were worth it. That the extra hours of editing BEFORE I click post are worth it…

Thank you, one and all, who kudo, comment and simply stop by to read.

You certainly made the lingering ick of the last few days bearable.

Now, if I could only get rid of this fucking migraine.

Remission would be nice…


October 30, 2013 :: 2:02 PM

after a few entries without pix, i give you the cumberbabe

“10 years ago my mental illness got so bad that I finally got help. At first it was worse, then it was better, then worse again. Now I fluctuate, waiting out the darkness, reminding myself that depression lies and that it’s a medical condition that I never asked for, quietly battling with tiny demons in my head…until it suddenly passes and the drugs kick in or the seratonin settles or the demons get bored and then HALLELUJAH I’m alive again and things are good and I remind myself that this, this, THIS is real and this is worth waiting for each time.

One day I know that they’ll will find a cure for whatever it is in my head that randomly and unexpectedly clouds things up and makes life turn into a pale, cardboard imitation. One day they’ll find a cure. A drug that works. A shot that makes the demons go away.

A remission.”

I love knowing that, because of The Bloggess, her friends and followers, I’ve found my tribe. For me it’s been 12 years since the bipolar diagnosis, and there are dark times when every day is a struggle to remember that the depression side lies.

Her openness about her flavors of crazy is why I choose to share what I’m going through. No one should go through this shit alone and it’s only by being honest with ourselves (and others) that we find out that we really aren’t alone in all of this.

——

Now, to offset the seriousness…

You know you’re reading too much PWP fanfiction, when the label on the bottle of butter flavoured popcorn TOPPING oil makes you giggle for about 20 minutes.

Topping.

Seriously.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need someone to brit-pick my damn blog!


October 21, 2013 :: 9:10 AM

The tube station is Tower HILL. TOWER HILL. Not Tower Bridge.

Dumbass.

Spent a good chunk of yesterday with a massive sinus headache. Couldn’t knit because of the hole in my finger, decided not to read fan fic because all it did was make me want to write more, couldn’t read an actual book because I couldn’t focus on the plot, couldn’t even really focus on the TV.

SO. FUCKING. BORED.

About the only useful thing I did was skim a London tour book I had looking for creepy spots to place bodies. I found quite a few.

It’s really a shame that we’re not going to London before NaNo, because I’d really like to check out the body dump sites for myself.

(HI, US GOVERNMENT! Now that you’re done being children and have time to get back to more important things, are you loving my google searches on writing gay sex, the differences between a .9MM handgun and a .38, blood spatter, knives, serial killers and best places to dump a body in London yet? You’ll notice, too, that I’ve been googling ways to leave the country. I’m sure you’ll put two and two together and get seven, but I wouldn’t expect any less of you morons.)

——

side note: tumblr claims ‘Merlin’ is more homoerotic than ‘Sherlock’. With lines like “You’re not going to put it in my mouth!” “I am, and you’re going to swallow!” I can see why.

——

Speaking of leaving the country… woke up this morning excited to continue my UK job search. I’m also going to look into UK colleges/universities and research MBA programs today.

I have a friend on FB (a guy I knew during my entire journey through the Manchester public school system, but that’s really as far as it went) who is fascinated by my expat-ing progress. (Yeah. I made a word. Deal with it.) I’ve been discussing it with him pretty in-depth and it’s kind of cool to be able to have those discussions with him.

But I don’t bring that up to talk about becoming an expat, because really, it’s all right there in the first sentence of this section. I bring it up because out of my 91 (92 once I add N’s wife) friends on FB, most of them are people I was - at best - acquaintances with. Now through the magic of the internet and bipolar meds, I’m able to form lasting relationships. REAL friendships. I keep my FB friends under 100 on purpose. If you make the cut, it means you’re really important to me. (Aaaaaawwwwww! Schmoop!)

I think it’s Facebook’s only real value to me right now because I’m losing interest in being on the site all day every day. (Proof that I’m ready to rejoin the living and get out of this depression?)

——

While we’re talking schmoop, I had some pretty intense Marlas dreams last night. Nothing but fluff… lots of fluff. Couch cuddles and top of head kisses. Bears polar and the seven dwarfs. Sitting around the portacabin making fun of Carolyn. Playing charades with Arthur (even though we all know that’s a TERRIBLE idea.) Just being cute.

Dog, I miss them. A lot.

I really had no idea how much I missed them until they were gone.

I don’t want to waste all that time I’ve spent doing the research for the casefic, but I’m really leaning towards doing the 30 Day OTP Challenge for NaNo.

Anything to spend more time with my boys…

Restless


October 17, 2013 :: 9:57 AM

look, jawn, i’m humpty dumpty! omg, sherlockians

I vented on Facebook yesterday that I’m pissed at BBC America for showing nothing but “Star Trek:TNG” and other American shit during the day.

Netflix has decided that “horror”, “slasher and serial killer”, and “haunted house” are no longer acceptable genres for the movies I can access from our TiVo. Now I’m stuck with the choices of “romantic comedies”, “romantic dramas”, “children’s” and other crap. I really only get to watch cheesy horror flicks when I’m home alone because J doesn’t like them. PLUS, IT’S OCTOBER. My Netflix should be full of that crap.

FearNet OnDemand has absolute crap, too this month. If I want to watch a “good” horror movie, I have to pay for it. I’m not really made of money right now, so xfinity can bite me.

I admit to having terrible taste in TV shows and if something doesn’t grab me in the first episode, I’m done. Can I just tell you the TV shows that Netflix have available have all been watched for at least a half hour (if an hour long) or two episodes if it’s a half hour show.

I can’t do it.

I need the background noise, and I can’t listen to podcasts because they require a certain level of attention that I don’t have right now. Like my music when I’m driving, I need something familiar. Something I’ve seen before, or something without a plot (horror movies are, of course, awesome for this), so that I can focus on the knitting or the job hunting or even reading fan fic (or real books, I do still read real books).

Seriously - can I tell you how long it took me to listen to “Cabin Pressure” or “Neverwhere”? FOREVER.

I’m literally out of options.

Six months of being unemployed will do that to me, I guess.

——

Dear New Hampshire Department of Employment Security,

The number of jobs I apply to every week has declined because there is nothing out there that I am qualified for… and it is depressing.

It also sucks because you don’t like blind ads/recruiters, and those are the majority of the jobs that I am actually qualified for.

Please understand that I’m doing the best I can and my every other day job search isn’t really every other day. It’s just that on my “days off”, I can’t find anything new.

Thanks.

Love,

Me

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