bipolar

Three day weekend!


January 18, 2014 :: 9:09 AM

my life since june 2013

Ah… whenever I think I can’t love my job more, it gets better.

Yesterday, I got an event staff badge. That gives me free rein to walk around the arena when there’s something going on. Tonight, I have comp tickets for the BU game - mostly so J can come with me. In the future, though… WOO-HOO!

The finance staff went out to lunch yesterday and we had a blast. I really love those guys.

Making it even better? When the passes and ID badge holders were passed out, we got a pin with the company’s motto and university’s logo. As those were given to us, we were told the job required 17 pieces of flair. The three of us started to laugh, which made me wicked happy. Of course, I’m the oldest one, and probably the most experienced one, but I don’t care - especially since I’m going to take over my boss’s job. (There’s about a two year turnover, practically corporate dictated. I’m serious. Everyone has an eye on their particular prize, and oddly, it doesn’t cause ShortTimer’s. It’s weird to work in a place where it’s OK to talk about leaving if a position opens… but it’s also very cool to be open about where you want to go and what you want to do.)

I found my people. FINALLY. After two failed temping attempts and two failed full-time jobs…

——

Oh, fan fiction, you’re killing me.

30 days of Johnlock: filled with ideas, but I can’t get them out of my head and onto the page.

30 days of Marlas: no ideas, no inspiration

New Johnlock: started, outlined, stopped

NaNo Johnlock: about ready to search it for good, reusable bits and then trash it

Other people’s Johnlock: I AM SO SICK OF THE FIX-IT TAG, I WANT TO PUNCH A KITTEN. While this new series was all fan service (really, you can’t watch it and not think differently), it was kind of lacklustre and there were parts where it needed to be fixed. But fixing it doesn’t mean the vast amounts of crap I’ve been subjected to. Yeah, it would have been nice if there had been the grand sweeping gesture on the tarmac. Yeah, it would have been nice if there were drunken shenanigans. But, it’s like every single fan fic in my RSS feed is the same exact story. (Because it’s Johnlock, those missing scenes are required by law. I get it. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.)

This isn’t new to the fandom, either. I’ve stopped reading Post-Reichenbach tagged stories because they all follow the same plot: Sherlock fakes his jump, comes back, John punches him, they fall into bed. The end.

It’s old, it’s tired… it’s boring. (Said in a Moriarty voice. Obviously.)

As I’ve mentioned before, a friend talked me into reading Drarry fan fic. There’s so much more variety in those - although, I suppose that as I explore that world more, I’ll get bored, too.

In the meantime, I’ve read one where a time-turner like thing puts 17 year old Draco into 21 year old Harry Potter’s world. A world where Harry and Draco are together and little Draco can’t accept that… until he does. It’s both bittersweet and ridiculously funny. And annoyingly not finished.

My favourite one, so far, is a story that takes place after the War and the fall of Voldemort. In it, Draco has escaped persecution for his war crimes and has become a hermit with anxiety and depression. He’s also an author who has written this autobiographical best seller about his remorse for what he’s done (under a pseudonym, of course). He and Harry bump into each other at a masquerade ball and there’s instant connection between the two men and the story plays off the fact that they’re not aware of who the other one is beautiully. The story tells the tale of how they learn who the other is, their relationship, and how the past finally catches up to Draco. It’s a WIP, and I hope it ends well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t.

——

I need to finish Sara’s socks and then tell her I’m not coming back to the gym. Ever. As much as I liked working out, as much as I wanted to succeed at a GORUCK Challenge, it’s not financially feasible and I can see both my commute and the job getting in the way. I already don’t have the energy to do much when I get home. The idea of having to find the energy to work out is painful. It sucks, but sacrifices need to be made, and that’s the easiest one. Just like when I had to give up fencing. Twice.

Shit happens. If the past year has taught me anything, I’m strong enough to roll with it. It may not be pleasant, and it may be hard to roll at times, but I can do it. I have done it…

Depression lies, and I’m done listening to the crap it whispers in my ear. Done, I say!

The pay off? I’m very zen at work. VERY zen. It’s not like me to be so happy and chill at work… and maybe that will change, but for now, it’s coming in handy and helping me make my mark on the Finance department.

Life is good. Very good.

 

*stomps around the house*


January 04, 2014 :: 4:14 PM

i can’t believe anderson ships sherlolly…

This is the kiss Loo tweeted about. Between the hair fluff and that kiss, I practically died.

I’ve been in a mood all day. We get the most useless gift cards as gifts (and I know it’s the thought that counts, but I’d prefer it if people would stop thinking!) and I tried to use two of them today.

It is virtually impossible to find anything of any use at a Sears and I will NOT shop in a K-Mart. So, that was a wasted trip.

Then, I tried to use that B&N gift card. *sigh*

Everything I wanted to look at or buy was only available online and I can get it quicker and cheaper from Amazon.

I want to write, but I’m stuck. Cabin Pressure 30 Day OTP, Johnlock 30 Day OTP, Johnlock BTS, Johnlock NaNo… I can’t get a single word out.

I want to knit, but I just can’t find the energy.

This is different than my unemployed Ick, in that I feel good and perfectly capable of doing something and wanting to do something - ANYTHING! - but I just can’t find that magic thing.

I was hoping a blog entry would help, but I’m just all ‘eh’ about this, too.

It doesn’t help that I was reading the most incredible piece of Drarry fan fiction (Harry Potter / Draco Malfoy) because someone told me to. Thirty chapters of amazing and then it just stops. So close to the resolution of the plot!!! I was really annoyed that the author would just walk away like that. I mean, seriously, who DOES that?! And then I found out… the author passed away before he could finish it. He had so much promise. *sigh*

So, that’s not helping matters… I want to curl up and have a Harry Potter marathon, but they’re always on and I always make fun on J for watching them every single time they’re on.

*sigh*

And more on the S3E1 / fandom thing: Gatiss must have trolled the FUCK out of tumblr and AO3. There’s no other way… Seriously. It’s not possible for him to come up with ALL OF THAT on his own.

Obligatory NYE post


December 31, 2013 :: 12:01 PM

sherlock returns tomorrow!

Last year, my #threewords were self, create, and family.

I think I did well -

SELF: despite being unemployed for most of the year, and dealing with a serious, debilitating, case of depression, there were days when I was able to pull myself out of it and function.

There were also days when I excelled at being a functional human, despite The Ick.

This was probably the worst bipolar / depression episode I’ve ever had, if only because of the length of time it lasted. 

But I survived it, no matter how hard it was to remember that depression lies.

CREATE: I published four pieces of fan fic on AO3. While I’m not a superstar, I’ve gotten some kudos, some nice comments, and a proofreader out of it. If I grow some balls, I might even have a brit-picker.

And I’m still writing - I have a Cabin Pressure 30 Day OTP Challenge I’m struggling with, the NaNoWriMo Case Fic / Johnlock disaster that really needs some serious editing, the Sherlock 30 Day OTP Challenge I started as a warm up to NaNo, and I’ve got an idea for another Johnlock fic that I toyed with a long time ago. It never came to fruition because I didn’t know the best way to handle it. After reading a similar Cabin Pressure fic, everything clicked and I can see that those first two pages have a lot of promise.

I didn’t do nearly as much photography as I wanted to, and I never learned how to sew, but I think the amount I wrote more than makes up for it. I also got some quality knitting done, so all things considered, “create” was probably my most successful word.

FAMILY: I spent a lot of time with my Albany family and managed to expand it. I knit a sweater for L. I managed to create/strengthen relationships with high school and college friends that previously didn’t exist in anything similar to their current form. I let go of close friends that I considered family when their behavior turned toxic.

... and finally, oddly, I managed to piss off a member of my family with my deeply rooted belief that I am Polish. Only the National Archives in Warsaw know for sure… but I’m still holding out hope.

This year, I’m not sure what my three words should be. I have a rough idea, but I don’t know if these three are final yet.

I came up with the lame “happy/happiness” for the first one. (At least I think it’s lame - the word, not the idea behind it.)  I want to focus on doing more things that make me happy. Whether that’s to write more, spend more time with my family, get my ass to London at least for a visit, stay at the new job, continue to embrace the SuperWhoLock family and the friends I made there, I just want to do the stupid little things that make me happy. I spent too much of 2013 feeling like a victim, “suffering” from the bipolar and really letting it define who I was. That’s not really something I’m proud of - and while the bipolar is something I’ll always have to deal with - I handled it poorly this year, despite my few victories.

The second one would have to be “travel”. I want to visit far away places this year (London, obviously), but there are places closer to home to see as well. I really want to play tour guide when my friend from Cincy finally gets her ass to the East Coast, and sometimes there’s nothing better than being a tourist in your own town. I’d like to spend more time with Black Mountain Symphony. I’d like to spend more time in Connecticut with my friends and family there.

I think the third one has to be “J”. This year has been super rough on both of us, and I know I’ve taken advantage of his kindness and patience several hundred thousand times.  Part of me couldn’t help it (unfortunately, the depression really forced him to step up and be a grown up which I hated), and part of me just watched as he did things that I was going to do later that day, and part of me tried to make up for it in stupid little ways that aren’t nearly enough. He’s been my rock through everything that’s happened since January 1998 and I can’t imagine my life without him, so it’s probably time that I let him know that I’m sorry for 2013 and 2014 will be a better year for us. My biggest fear is that I’ll lose him. There’s only so much crap I can put him through before he gets fed up, right? Shit, I hated myself for most of this year. I don’t know how or why he’s still around… I would have left me a long time ago.

No - there hasn’t been any sign of things going that bad between us, but it’s a very real fear that’s taken root lately. He really is the Hubby of Wonder because I wonder every day why he’s still here.

These kind of overlap with last year’s, but I’m OK with that.

Happy end of 2013, everyone… may 2014 give you everything your heart desires.

 

Happy December!


December 01, 2013 :: 1:24 PM

worst incomplete sentence in the history of forever

You burned up a sun to say good-bye to her, Ten. You could have manned up and finished the damn sentence! I suppose we should take comfort in the fact that your meta-crisis regeneration, Ten!Two, was finally able to complete the sentence for Rose… Jackass.

(I’m in a mood. J finally got to see me break down and watch how I’ve managed to spend my entire unemployment crying on the couch and feeling sorry for myself instead of doing the dishes and important shit like that. Bipolar’s a bitch. I wish I could take anti-depressants to get out of the funk I’ve been almost permanently in since February, but that would just make everything worse.)

——

So… My Johnlock is finished. 54K words of horrendously ridiculous, terribly out of character, makes me want to vomit, Johnlock. I can’t figure out how to end it, so I’m going stop writing it for now. Maybe I’ll print all 200 pages and work on it in a bit. Pen and paper tend to help when I need to do serious revisions.

But the big news is, I got some really constructive feedback on PARIS! and have found someone to beta/proofread my new Cabin Pressure stuff. *happy dance*

 

And the sunshine shone from the sunshine above…


November 16, 2013 :: 6:16 PM


amen, brother

Dog, proofreading ZURCH! is killing me… I changed the ending to PARIS!, which did, as expected, require a rewrite of the majority of the fucker. This Cabin Pressure trilogy is going to be the death of me.

On a happy note, we’re finally getting the REAL Zurich episode. Finnemore has confirmed that the original cast will come back for the series ender, too. I just hope it ends with Martin staying at MJN…

Plus, I’m 16 days into NaNoWriMo, so I need the extra distraction. Right? Right! Why the fuck not?

——

Finally, Friday, I started to feel like a human again.

I went out to breakfast with D and we talked about how bad it sucked to be let go while Junior ran off to China to work for Daddy.

I interviewed with the recruiter for the part time / full time / temp to perm position. He’s going to try and get me in front of the company ASAP. Actually, for as fucked up as it sounds, its actually a good position and has a LOT of potential for someone who gets bored easily. I guess we’ll see. The recruiter was wicked excited about me being a good fit for them, so I’ve got my fingers crossed…

Drove to Saratoga Springs for a night with my Albany family. It was, as always, exactly what I needed when I needed it. If I wasn’t hell bent on leaving the country, I might have seriously considered shifting my job search to Albany…

But it’s time for my next adventure, the hubby’s on board with the decision, and Universe willing, I’ll find out that I really am Polish-American. (Dear universe, please, please, please, let me know what I can do to ensure Polish citizenship. I have a career counsellor ready to help me update my CV, I have an immigration solicitor ready to smooth out any rough edges. And uh, I’ve been doing a passable job of writing British-English fan fic according to one of my new friends on AO3, so there’s that, too. I’ll be pre-assimilated! Is that even a thing? It is now… all I need is that EEA/EU citizenship. )

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I’m really Ukrainian, but that’s not going to help me any since they’re not in the EEA/EU.

——

Feeling like shit again today.

Last week was a roller coaster and it really fucked me up. I felt just well enough to have one good day and then I relapsed.

Eh, yesterday was so fucking awesome, it’s worth it to be all headachey and miserable again today.

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