so many fandoms
File Under Grain
March 05, 2021 ::
7:57 PM
Dylan O’Brien is totally on my list. You know, THE LIST.
On Monday, I stumbled across some very good fan fic.
You know: Poetry. Angels sing. God is in the heavens and all is right in the world.
When I find something that makes me want to NEVER! WRITE! AGAIN! I treasure that bitch.
And then, when I finish it, I obsess over whatever my current WIP is.
I’m on draft 4 of my shitty Teen Wolf fic, draft 3 of my Yuri!!! On Ice fic, draft 6 of my Harry Potter Eighth Year fic (now with multiple POVs! WOOO!), and I’m stuck on the 2nd 3rd 4th fuck it, I lost count draft of my Harry Potter soulmates fic.
It’s probably an understatement that I’m obsessing over what fic to obsess over…
But. FUCK.
For as smart as I am, for as many words as I’ve written over my lifetime, for the voices I’ve cultivated both for ‘serious’ writing and ‘internet’ writing, I still suffer from Imposter Syndrome.
My writing has won fucking awards. It’s popular on AO3. It’s made grown men cry. It answered that age old question, How Do You Tell Someone You Don’t Love Them Any More? It’s opened wounds. It’s healed them.
It’s alive and amazing and wonderful and it’s something I created. By myself. For myself.
But. FUCK.
That little lemony piece of goodness I finished snacking on - why was it so fucking short - was just an amazing piece.
One day, I’ll be able to write mindblowing tales of tentacle porn between ghosts, blow up T-Rexes, and walruses who are calculating the square root of cheese while doing lines of coke and having sex with chickens…
No.
Wait.
That wasn’t the story I just read.
That was the fucked up dream I had when I added a doxy to my nighttime ‘fuck insomnia’ cocktail.
Kinda made me never want to sleep again.
Seriously.
*sigh*
- - - - - - - - - -
One of my fanfic groups asked if you were any AO3 tag which one(s) would you be?
I chewed on that question for days but the winner is: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT
Honorable mention went to no beta we die like men, but I’m totally a dead dove.
The deadest of doves.
- - - - - - - - - -
Day whatever of Quarantine is under my belt (we both tested fucking positive!) and I am miserable.
Thankfully, that little habit I developed of working over the weekend has served me well. My home office is set up and (mostly) organized and I’ve been working without missing a beat.
In other news, we’re not firing my staff accountant… she quit.
Small little issue with her replacement, but I’m hoping it won’t blow up into something larger. I’m all for second chances and this seems like it might be worth the risk.
Can we talk about that tongue?
September 16, 2020 ::
7:08 PM
someone’s got a new movie coming out…
I’m back to reading Teen Wolf fan fic. Like tons of stories a week. My TW FF addiction is worse than my Yuri!!! on Ice one at this moment.
It’s so bad, I picked up the fic I started to write in 2017 (the failed NaNoWriMo / stop obsessing over buying a new house project) and started re-writing it. AGAIN. I’m on the third draft, but for whatever reason, I can’t write the characters the way I see them in my head… I never have a problem with writing out of character characters, but they feel wrong.
Which means it time to binge TW!
In the background.
While I work from home.
All day Saturday.
- - - - - - - - - - -
So… I got my job because a CEO networking group told my company’s owner that he needed a construction accountant.
I love construction accounting, and I love cleaning up messes.
But.
I’m still feeling like I bit off more than I could chew.
I started in April and have been tearing apart the Quickbooks file ever since.
I’m still working on January. JANUARY.
It wouldn’t be nearly so bad, but I can’t just write sweeping journal entries and delete transactions all willy-nilly.
Nope.
I tried that and it backfired.
Badly.
I had to undo everything I did to clean it up.
Because of the way the books had been kept previously, I’m literally tinking the books. Transaction by transaction…. everything’s getting fixed, but jesus fucking crispy christ on a goddamn pogo stick, is it time consuming.
I’ve never had to tink accounting transactions before.
Seriously, this is like fixing errors in a cabled blanket. Stitch by stitch by painful stitch, it gets pulled apart and put back together.
Actually, no. It’s worse.
I can’t put my job in time-out…
The truth is in ya face when ya hear the MAPPA canon go BOOM
July 12, 2020 ::
10:45 AM
I can’t with this fucking show and I’m really not a huge Victuuri fan
So… that training I signed up for? It’s actually kind of working. At least, I feel like I’m pushing myself harder. Part of it is HAVING to do the runs and part of it is me trying to “show off” to the trainer. Totally the best money I’ve spent on running (excluding the treadmill, of course).
Speaking of, it hasn’t fucking shipped yet! I originally bought the cheaper one, but it wasn’t due to be back in stock until July 15th. They suckered me into an upgrade (basically, I saved $500 off the one I actually wanted) with the promise that it was in stock. I know I should be more patient, but the CRC Road Trip starts this week and I was really, really, really hoping I could break it in over the 10 days.
To ease my disappointment, I bought new HOKAs to break in. This time, I was smart enough to link them to my Garmin so that I could track the milage better. They feel just as good as the ones that have the 1,000 miles on them.
Today is an 8 mile long run, which I think is also my longest Racery run. Next weekend is a 9 mile long run. I’m starting to get nervous about the mileage, and then I remember… my dumb ass signed up to run a fucking MARATHON. And a 5K. And a 10K. And a half marathon. CONSECUTIVELY.
Jesus jumping Christ on a motherfucking pogo stick, I am an idiot.
Seriously.
Who decided that doing the Dopey Challenge was a good idea?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
- - - - -
In other news, living at the office has become a thing.
I’ve been working some Saturdays and I still don’t feel like I’m making progress.
I mean, I know I am, but…
The financial statements actually are starting to report real, useful, data.
We’re finalizing our purchasing / AP procedure because it is a shit show.
We’ve had a bunch of turnover, including a girl who barely lasted an entire day.
People are on 30 and 60 day notices and my 90 day trial period is ending in about a week.
Our best admin employee is a 16 year old high school drop out, who is working part time. Of course, he’s working there because his dad got him hired, but he is so much more productive than the kid he replaced. Original kid had a degree in engineering, but had no interest in doing it… which makes me wonder why he ever bothered to piss away all that money on college if he didn’t want to work in that field. I mean, I have two Bachelors and the last thing I want to do is barely interesting admin work.
- - - - -
Picking up Polish in earnest as of today.
Rewatched Hamilton last night. I picked up so many new details. (Also, it was the anniversary of the Burr/Hamilton duel so it felt like the proper thing to do.)
Speaking of Hamilton, one of the girls in Hamilclaws doesn’t like the movie because it doesn’t flow like the soundtrack. Uh, it’s two very different things. I love the soundtrack, don’t get me wrong, but I do like the musical just as much. I think it’s the emotion… you don’t really get that in a polished recording. Some of the expressions… the additional scene… the fucking emotion Pippa is capable of. I think the reason I didn’t like it live the first time I saw it was that I wasn’t close enough to the stage and - possibly - the touring cast might not have been as good. Our King George was SO MUCH BETTER than Groffsauce, but I can’t remember the other actors, so that says a lot.
Working on becoming a notary today. Have to take a three hour course online so that will be the highlight of my day.
Being a grown up is boring.
History is happenin’
July 03, 2020 ::
10:31 AM
Happy Hamilday, everyone!
I wasn’t a Hamilton fan when I saw it live, but I am now after listening to the soundtrack. That said, there’s a huge difference between the musicality and the visuals. I’m hoping watching it a second time - now that I’m familiar with it - will be a different experience. Plus, it’s the OBC, which should make a difference.I hope.
The Hamilclaws (yes, there’s a Facebook group for everything) are planning a watch party after we’ve all had time to watch it on our own. I never do shit like that, but I’m thinking about it this time.
- - - - -
In other news, I bought a stupid expensive treadmill I had originally purchased a $250 one, thinking it was never going to get any use. I ended up putting almost 1K miles on it in roughly a year. Which reminds me, I need to buy new running shoes. I think my first pair of Hokas need to be aged out considering that I wore those for the bulk of the treadmill miles.
I’ve been joking that I outgrew it… that I bought a treadmill destined to be a coatrack. (Because that price range is perfect for those that make resolutions to exercise more.)
Honestly, I think I did. I seriously doubt that I could run a marathon on it without killing it. I think having the iFit membership and a treadmill that will respond to the different workouts will make a huge difference as I work on logging longer runs on it. Plus, the idea that I can run on an incline AND a decline was a huge selling point as well.
Of course, it won’t be here until the middle of this month at the earliest. I’m hoping it might be here in time for the next CRC Road Trip, but I’m not going to hold my breath.
Speaking of running… the runDisney Princess weekend series sold out in record time, too. So, that’s now Wine & Dine, Marathon Weekend, Princess, and… the 2021 Rival Run.
If you book through a travel agent or at the previous year’s race, you can purchase your bibs early. Since the 2020 Rival Run was cancelled, there went one option. I made friends with a travel agent at the Universal runs (when the fuck did I become that person?!?!) and I’ve been booking hotel rooms with him. He was my backup for Marathon Weekend.
Imagine my surprise to get an email from him telling me that he could only sign me up for the 10K and Half instead of the Rival Run Challenge - which is heartbreaking. Apparently, they rolled out the TA allocation in a fucked up method and bibs were practically impossible to get. A TA in a rD group said they sold out of the allotment in 8 minutes. EIGHT MINUTES. I’m torn between thinking they should have offered a deferral or a chance to register first if you were scheduled for 2020’s race. It’s not our fault the race was cancelled, you know?
Tomorrow’s 4th of July run has been cancelled and I was really hoping that it would happen. Instead, it’s virtual. My August run has been cancelled as well. I’m waiting for the local September and December halfs to be cancelled / postponed as well.
- - - - -
Florida is experiencing a surge in COVID cases - no doubt because of Gov. DeSantis-Trump. The man was pushing hard to have the state reopen and, even now, won’t put statewide measures in place. Instead, he’s forcing the cities and counties to do it.
Palm Beach, Broward, and Dade Counties are closing the beaches and bars for this weekend. It’s so fucked up. They should have never reopened.
To make matters worse, Universal reopened in June. So did Sea World. Disney’s opening in two phases this month.
The theme parks don’t need to be open right now. NOTHING needs to be open right now.
But, you know, let’s bail out multi-million dollar companies instead of giving out money to the unemployed. The stimulus checks were nice, and we spent ours on luxury items because we both kept working, but we don’t need any more handouts. They really should be shifted to the people who need them… and that’s not going to happen.
It’s reported that The Almighty Orange One is “bored” with the virus. Was “never briefed” on the fact that Russia was paying to have American soldiers killed. Thinks Black Lives Matter is a “hate group/speech.”
He’s totally pandering to the only people he has left. You can’t tell me he didn’t know about the “White Power” chant in a video he retweeted, his campaign is selling shirts oddly reminiscent of Nazi Germany, and he just keeps doing whatever the fuck he wants.
Our only way out of this is to vote him out.
And elect Biden.
Biden is the much better choice, but he’s not the BEST choice. A 77 year old, white, male, career politician is so not my first choice.
But, you know, vote blue no matter who.
This country absolutely deserves to be wiped off the face of the earth so that we can rise again like a phoenix from the ashes.
And hopefully not fuck things up this badly again.
He was reared to give respect
June 10, 2020 ::
8:46 PM
one, two, ready, fence
“I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don’t entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you. If these books taught you that love is the strongest force in the universe, capable of overcoming anything; if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to the oppression of vulnerable groups; if you believe that a particular character is trans, nonbinary, or gender fluid, or that they are gay or bisexual; if you found anything in these stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life — then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred.” - Daniel Radcliffe
- - - - -
There once was a little girl who grew up desperately wanting to be a little boy.
It was “just a phase” when she took scissors to all the pink, feminine, clothing her mother used to buy.
It was “just a phase” when she decided she had to learn how to do boy things. Like pee standing up.
It was “just a phase” when she asked her father to call her Tom. (He thought it was short for tomboy. Yeah. no.)
It was “just a phase” when she got her period and felt suicidal.
It was “just a phase” when she realised that she preferred being a tomboy because it was as close as she could get to the real thing.
It was “just a phase” when she stopped buying women’s clothing.
It’s funny… out of all the things in the DSM-V that’ve I’ve been diagnosed with, gender dysphoria hasn’t been one of them.
My pronouns remain she/her.
My body remains as is.
My brain remains as is.
I’ve come to a kind of internal compromise in the war between my body and brain.
Had I known that being transgender was a real thing and not “in my head”, I might have pursued treatment and had my gender changed.
Now that I know that it’s OK to have my brain and body not match, I actually feel better. The dysphoria has actually lessened, just from knowing that I could actually get the penis I’ve always wanted. (Yeah, the one I was left in the Band Senior Wills, I think ‘96 or ‘97, doesn’t count.)
When I started fencing, I’d already studied gender reassignment and tossed around the “what ifs”...
And then I met Phil.
He had kids my age and we became fast friends. It was hard not to notice that he had longer nails, was growing out his hair, and spelled his name “Phyl”. He wore a female chest protector and had pronounced (but tiny) breasts. I kept my questions to myself. It was none of my business.
Until she made it mine.
She came out to me one night before we took the piste for a match.
I nodded, said “Cool”, shook her hand, and proceeded to win the match. When we were off to the side waiting for our next match, she told me she was surprised I was so calm about it. All I could say was that I knew. It was obvious to me. I was surprised she hadn’t said anything sooner.
Her wife had always known something was off, and it was’t until she died that he started to take how he felt into consideration. He realised that it was more than cross dressing, more than… well, just more.
She made me reconsider my options even more. Here was a biological male, 60 years old, and beginning to transition.
What a fucking inspiration.
Maybe, one day, I can be as brave as she is and finally live in the right body.