#threewords

I’m certifiably Dopey


May 12, 2020 :: 7:19 PM

so… I might have done the thing today

I am completely fucking insane, but if you haven’t figured that out by now?

Yeah…

I managed to register.

For a race that sold out in TWENTY MINUTES.

Dopey 2021 is real.

*vomits*

Oops, I did it again!


May 10, 2020 :: 10:35 AM

I will find my way, I can go the distance.

It’s Spring Quidditch time!

There’s a 15 mile / day limit, unless you’re running a marathon or something else with ridiculous miles during the 10 days of Quidditch.

Some people cap every day, some people try to cap and fall short, some people will kill themselves trying, and some people know they can’t so they don’t push.

Then there’s me.

I pledge low miles because I only do my Quidditch miles after work. Work never seems to behave itself during that week - if I wasn’t kicked out every day at 5PM, I’d probably still be at my desk right now. (Woo! for not having a key yet!)

I fell short of miles Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I took Friday off. I had a 7 day streak that I was so proud of, but when your body says “absolutely fucking not”, you don’t push. I may be stupid, but I’m not that stupid.

Last Saturday, I needed to get out of my head for a little bit. I don’t really recommend my favourite way to do that (eyes closed, death grip on the treadmill, getting lost in music that is way too loud), but it works. Then, I read for a little bit. I did intervals to the Hamilton soundtrack. Whatever it took to keep adding miles. It was my first cap in almost a year.

Then, I capped again yesterday. Granted, I couldn’t do all 15 in one sitting, but most people who cap do it in chunks, too.

I’ll be back on the treadmill soon, aiming for another cap. I’ve never attempted that many miles back to back, but it will be good training for both Wine and Dine and Dopey. W&D, I’m running the 5K, 10K, and half (22 miles / 3 days). Dopey, in case your memory sucks like mine, is the 5K, 10K, half, and full (48.6 / 4 days). Capping this weekend puts me at 30 miles for two days. I haven’t done the full 13.1 miles in any of my attempts at capping, but 8 miles isn’t so bad.

Let’s talk about Wine & Dine, because I’m sure that people are wondering why on earth I’d sign up for that since I am neither a winer nor a diner. RTI was named a charity partner and I wasn’t going to miss out on the opportunity to be there that weekend and meet all my online friends. We PHRC’d runDisney - they’d never gotten so many requests for charity bibs before! (Maybe because we didn’t have to fundraise to get a bib?) It was also awesome to sign up via them because the races sold out impossibly quick. I guess the Villains theme was a huge draw.

Of course, now I’m worried that we won’t have Wine and Dine - the registrations were open well before COVID-19 started to shut down the entire world. Will they be able to have that many runners on the course? What about the necessary number of health care folks / first responders? (I mean, that was the original reasoning behind cancelling Rival Run weekend.)

To make matters worse, Marathon weekend is selling out at an unprecedented rate, too. I’d been pushing off registering through a travel agent because of my employment situation and the fact that I needed to pay for Wine and Dine. I finally thought about it the same day the TA allotment sold out. Then, the early registration sold out. General registration is Tuesday and I’m trying to keep my hopes up that I’ll be able to get a bib, but… at least my TA put me on his list in case they get more bibs. He did tell me that, although it hasn’t been confirmed, runDisney is severely limiting the amounts of registrations just in case.

I get it - nobody’s been able to race IRL in a long time and A LOT of people look forward to Marathon Weekend. There’s a huge percentage of people who use this weekend as their vacation. There’s also a huge overseas contingent. (I kind of feel that, right now, maybe the races shouldn’t be open to international registrations. Bibs are non-refundable and non-transferrable and I wonder what that’s going to mean if there are still travel bans in place. Are they going to refund all the international runners and release the bibs? There’s just too much that’s unknown… and maybe I’m an asshole for even thinking it… but… )

I don’t know. I’m going to hope that I get a bib and if I don’t, there will be long distance races around here that I can run while I wait for my chance at 2021.

You can bet your ass though, that I’ll be getting my bibs through my TA from here on out since they get access to them so early.

Hands… (not) touching hands….


March 24, 2020 :: 8:28 PM

lack of races equals lack of motivation

I had a really bad birthday week.

Like top three worst birthdays.

Considering that birthday #1 was the year my mother died and birthday #2 was the year after my father died, to crack the top three you know shit had to be bad.

A 10K, a half marathon, another 10K, and Rival Run were all cancelled within a few days of each other.

Universal was shut down.

People who should have wished me a happy birthday disappeared.

No special birthday meals.

No birthday cake.

A whole lot of nothing.

And yes, I am perfectly aware that this is a minor issue compared to some people’s lives during our new reality, but… I’m bipolar. This sort of situation will create a very dangerous low. When it swings the other way, it will be a very dangerous high. I purposely make a big deal out of my birthday for a reason. In order to survive, my birthday has to be surrounded by fun and I need to be distracted. Those are the rules. I don’t make them.

So.

Let’s talk about that low.

I had (rather foolishly) thought that all the shit I went through after getting fired was as bad as it could be. As depressed as I could possibly get.

Ooooooooh, how I wish I had remembered Birthday Depression.

Holy fuck, I didn’t think I’d ever see the sunshine again.

As it is, it’s still dark and cloudy as fuck, but there’s light on the horizon.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

My mother and I had a (thankfully) short yet ridiculously complicated relationship.

She died two days before I turned 17. She was 45.

I, myself, just turned 45.

That alone is a huge mind fuck. I know I’m not an alcoholic and that I won’t die from the same thing she did, but… when your time is up, it’s up. My only question is whether or not there’s another ticking time bomb in my DNA. I mean, she already gave me bipolar, and a family with a history or heart disease. (Thank you for the SVT, mom… and possibly, the heart murmur, too.)

It’s been twenty eight years.

Twenty eight years of freedom.

Twenty eight years of wondering if I’m going to die at 45, too.

Twenty eight years of living with the fact that “I gave everything in life, I leave nothing in death…” was published IN A FUCKING BOOK.

Twenty eight years of knowing a double life was lived… and that I got the worst of her.

Twenty eight years of conflicting emotions.

Twenty eight years of not forgiving because I earned the right to hate her.

Twenty eight years of not forgetting what she did to me.

Twenty eight years of starting my day singing “Ding dong, the witch is dead.”

Twenty eight years is a lot of life to miss out on, but she didn’t deserve to be in my life and I’m glad she’s gone.

(Did I say we had a complicated relationship? It was… Complicated.)

Twenty. Eight. Years. (part one)


March 06, 2020 :: 6:56 PM

Fitting, seeing that I’m writing YOI fan fiction and watching HP

It was a strange feeling to lose your parents. It was the kind of deep, enveloping pain that only came with truly life-altering loss, but at the same time it was accompanied by a degree of emotional liberation. Being without parents was like taking the stabilisers off a bike; both exhilarating and frightening. It was the final challenge on the road to becoming a true adult, beholden to no one but oneself.

—Iain Rob Wright (The Picture Frame: A Horror Novel)

 

Exploration and Discovery


February 02, 2020 :: 8:47 PM

I’d apologise for the impromptu concert I gave on the way home from Orlando, but I’m not sorry.

1) I travelled to Orlando solo to run the inaugural Running Universal 5K and 10K.

I did super well on the 5K, even though it rained. I’ve started taking intervals seriously and they work. I finished the race stronger than I began it, which is saying a lot. I didn’t PR time-wise, but I did pace-wise.

I did pretty well on the 10K, too. Didn’t PR, but I had a blast running through the parks and making friends with a dude in a T-Rex costume. 

I saw a lot of PHRC people and met up with a few before and after the races. Dinner Friday night, Saturday and Sunday I corralled with a Gryffinfriend, yelled “FOR BILL!” with another Claw as she ran past, was jealous of the Puff’s Cookie t-shirt… It was nice to bring the virtual into reality, even if it was for a few seconds each time.

2) Running a 5K and a 10K back - to - back didn’t suck nearly as hard as I thought it would. That’s great news for the Rival Run weekend in April, when I’ll do a 5K, a 10K, and a half over three consecutive days. I just need to get the half under control. And it will be.

3) I finally made a long-awaited pilgrimage to Kennedy Space Center on Saturday.

(I have a Challenger/Columbia license plate, so that might tell you a little bit about how important this trip was to me.)

34 years ago on January 28th, I sat in a classroom and watched as Challenger basically disintegrated upon take off.

That affected me more than I could have ever thought possible…

I practically burst into tears the second I stepped onto the property.

That was long before I got to the memorial for the three astronauts who died on Apollo 1.

Long before I saw a space shuttle for the first time.

Long before I saw the memorials to the crews of Challenger and Columbia.

In a weird quirk of timing, I happened to go to KSC on the 17th anniversary of the day Columbia was lost.

In another weird quirk of timing, Ron McNair’s family was on site. His uncle owned a bar in Hartford, CT, and somehow, my father knew Ron. I can’t remember how they met, but I do vividly remember my father’s reaction when his name was read out loud on the news. (McNair was on Challenger’s final flight.)

At any rate, the reveal of Atlantis was super powerful and I burst into ugly tears. As I stood there crying, an employee came over to me and asked if I was OK. (I was so NOT OK.) He told me about how he had worked on all five shuttles and… just a bunch of stuff. It meant a lot to him that he would come over to me and start talking.

Then. I went down to the the memorial area. I cried the entire time I was in the hallway looking at the personal mementos of both shuttle crews. I made the mistake of looking around the corner and seeing a piece of Challenger’s left body paneling and Columbia’s cockpit window frames.

I’m still tearing up thinking about how powerful that was…

 

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