suzy-q, july 12, 2014
It’s amazing how good I feel since my discussion with BK on Friday. (Possibly related, I’ve had a BAD craving for Burger King’s onion rings since Friday. And their chicken fries which aren’t available here! And also missing from their website… Were they blink-and-you’ll-miss-them?)
Since hope has been restored, I actually started feeling motivated to pick up my Ukrainian books. The italki October challenge has helped, too, but it’s amazing what can happen when everything is good.
I have to see my drug dealer next weekend and I’m thinking about asking her to adjust my meds. My moods have been out of control recently due to the work stress and I don’t know how much longer I can keep them in check. Not that I’ve been doing a very good job as of right now any way.
I’m also wondering if my pattern of letting work get to me and triggering major depressions is a sign that I need to quit and go on disability. That scares me, though. I was just as bad when I was unemployed and didn’t have anything better to do than write fan fic and play on tumblr.
Maybe I’m just really broken. And unrepairable.
So… meds. Last resort, maybe, but who knows. I’ve been on the same cocktail for years now. My last cocktail failed miserably after a few years and I’ve been on this mix much longer.
I wrote a really long, really cathartic entry on my Ukrainian blog, to circle back to the having hope thing. I’ve got plans for that blog in terms of writing in English and Ukrainian and I’m pretty excited. I’m sticking with the old design for now while I figure out if I want to continue to invest the time in the new design. It feels like a stalling tactic. And it probably is.
Also, fucking auto correct keeps insisting that my grandparents’ village was in Turnip, not Ternopil. *sigh*
It’s time for my Speaking Bootcamp webinar. Today is about more tricks to retain vocabulary. WOOOOOOOOO!
No. Seriously. I am that excited about it. There just aren’t enough fun learning websites for Ukrainian. Maybe I should go back and do French. Or learn Russian. (HA! NEVER! I shouldn’t even joke about that.)
I am now $4.99/month poorer, but I have the ability to block a certain phone number.
I am now minus one friend on Facebook, but I have the ability to breathe.
I have finally finished what Windsor Locks started.
And, damn, it feels good.
i don’t know why i am smiling, but i’ll have you know it feels so good
It’s been a long few weeks.
The Apache-sized hole in our lives hasn’t begun to shrunk yet and it was really noticeable yesterday. I had a half day, so I was alone in the house for several hours before J & Guinness got home. It was pretty traumatic. I kept looking for him, listening for his bark or his tags jingling, just those little things that remind you you’re not alone in the house.
I decided to rework UkieGirl to make it easier to have a photo gallery. I’m using a stock template and another tutorial. (I HATE the new Expression Engine - there’s just enough that is different and it’s tripping me up left and right.) It’s nt anywhere close to being done yet, but in the meantime, for a quick break, I did redo the current blog to combine some “channels” and add some more navigation. There may be errors. I don’t care. It’s not like the blog is getting any traffic right now.
I’m a little pissy about the half-reboot because I asked for help on combining the channels and all I got in the EE forums was BS. I responded to the first answer I got with basically, “I don’t know what the fuck you mean. I know it’s not as easy as you make it sound. I have [boring tech shit here].” The response I got to that made my blood boil. That same unhelpful person wrote back, “Well, I guess you need to research how channels work.”
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, DUDE?
I’ve been using EE since it was in fucking BETA. I have googled what I’m looking for. More importantly, I only post questions to the forum when I’m really confused and want my hand held. Smart ass answers help NO ONE.
I couldn’t even respond to his post, I was so angry. I even ended up unsubscribing to my own thread. I don’t want to know what other brilliant answers are out there.
While I’m on the topic of things I’m probably over-reacting to, let’s talk about Soulmate Boy.
He had been doing fairly well in a halfway house and being a productive member of society while he counted down the days remaining on his sentence. His wife decided to divorce him (which is not my story to tell, but I totally saw that coming.) After threatening to commit suicide several months ago, and creating all kinds of havoc in my life. I mean SERIOUS HAVOC, he wound up back in prison, in a mental health ward.
I fought with J because of him. I never fight with J. It’s probably due to the dynamics of the fact that he’s the youngest and I’m an only child… I’ll leave that for the shrinks to decide. The fact remains that we argued quite a bit over the things I was promising SB to get him to calm down and think rationally. I meant every single one of those promises and I was going to deliver on every single one J would agree to.
Finally, we negotiated down to adding him to our cell phone plan. In March. Before he got locked up again.
He wouldn’t write me directly, choosing instead to dictate letters to me through his mother. I got email after email after email begging me to get him a damn cell phone.
Did I mention he wasn’t going to be free / able to use a cell phone until August 18th? This shit started in MARCH.
We went and upgraded our iPhones, looked at new plans, looked at phones for him, etc. If the girl at the AT&T store hadn’t been such a fuckhead, I probably would have had every thing all set for him. In July. When I got sick of the bullshit. (And did I mention, he had to have a CT phone number because he was afraid that a NH number would violate his probation or some such shit? So, that added an extra layer of bullshit to deal with. We live in NH. My account is in NH. Getting a CT number required some work.)
The very next day, I got an email from his mom telling me he convinced his aunt to get a cell phone. Supposedly, she didn’t know about him begging the aunt.
My blood literally started to boil. My heart acted up. I was unable to calm down.
I just couldn’t believe how selfish he was. I was going to lose my AWESOME cell phone plan (unlimited data, text, voice, iPad, roaming, etc) because we were adding a line and that plan wasn’t offered any more. Granted, in the end, it became a moot point, but for fuck’s sake what if the girl at the AT&T store hadn’t pissed me off? I’d have an extra phone, an extra line, and a shitty plan because of him.
I’m still angry thinking about it, and it’s been almost two months.
The other night, I was watching a Queer as Folk episode where Ted is pissed off at the gang for some reason or another. (I don’t remember the episode and I turned it on halfway through, so forgive my vagueness.) Ted’s friend, Blake, runs into Michael and Ben at the gym and says, “You’re a reflection of those things that he wants to forget. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about you.”
And holy shit. Light. Fucking. Bulb.
I only have two words: Windsor Locks.
Again, probably not my story to tell, but the highlights include a midnight phone call, and hour drive to an apartment complex, and a threat of attempting suicide.
I think you can put the pieces together.
He’s definitely a reflection of those things I want to forget… I need to forget Windsor Locks. While the details are hazy, the emotions are very much there. Very powerful. Very unforgettable.
Let’s put it this way, if I ever needed to learn the Ukrainian word for suicide (самогубство), his face would be my mnemonic device.
To put it in psychological terms, he is a trigger. A trigger for all the bad things I am capable of. For all the bad things my body can do. (Dude… thank Dog for my heart pills or I would have gone to the ER that afternoon.)
I need to walk away, but because I do care, it’s hard to stay away. We’ve been doing this stupid dance for decades now. If I don’t find him, he finds me.
Right now, he’s on my facebook restricted list but I’m about an hour away from defriending him and blocking his new phone number. If he tried to email me, I’d even report him as spam.
I just can’t have him in my life any more… and every one says, “Oh, if he’s that toxic, dump him.” Then, I tell them about the blocking and the spam reporting, and I get told I’m overreacting. The only way to remove him from my life is to really ensure he can’t find me.
Obviously, there aren’t any easy answers where he’s concerned, and there never have been.
In happier news, I officially own my car.
I now have only one car in my life that I’ve never held the title to.
Most of the time, I get the title and trade the car in, but I really don’t want a car payment right now. Maybe I can frame my title and use it as inspiration to save the $24K that firm is going to charge me to get a Ukie passport. *grin*
OK. Enough stalling… back to terrible 80s horror flicks and html.
take that, [you fucking jerkface]
Sometimes, I wish I could say what exactly was on my mind, but… I guess growing old has woken up my internal censor.
Had a great time yesterday with my little brother and his family. Learned why we need to wear a helmet when we ride bikes… If you’re my friend on Facebook, you saw Logan’s first attempt on his new balance bike. I generally dislike children, but I’ve made a special effort to like Logan and it’s paying off in spades. I love that kid like I love my dogs. (So, you know, a metric fuck ton.)
Today, I went to lunch at Applebee’s with one of my many mother figures. Had a good time with her - she’s so much like my father and her kids are so much like me that I’m constantly amazed that we’re NOT related.
We talked about some of my struggles at work (stupid, petty, little things - nothing worth getting fired up about, but enough to need to vent about) and her kids. I may not have a (blood) family anymore, but I have one hell of a (real) family.
FAMILY DON’T END WITH BLOOD
That quote from Supernatural has been coming up time and time again recently, and every time it comes up, it proves itself to be more and more true.
Made contact with a tutor via italki… $6 for an hour lesson. Wish I had found out about italki BEFORE I paid for the other tutor. I loved this one so much more than the other one. Guess I’ll be paying for more lessons with her. At $6/hr, it’s not going to break the bank and will help me keep moving forward.
Learning Ukrainian is a priority, but I seem to keep forgetting.
Definitely something I need to work on.
i am so fucking wicked smaht sometimes
*walks up to hornets’ nest with large stick*
*looks at hornets’ nest*
*hops on tumblr and fangirls over the Cumbercutie*
Yep. I’m in CONTROL of my own destiny and tumblr’s way more important than that hornets’ nest.
(Oh, did I say tumblr? I meant some terrificcally filthy Drarry fan fic.)
(For what’s it worth, I’m laughing my ass off about this whole thing. Thanks, girly, for the gossip!)
And now that that’s out of the way… it’s time for something completely different.
I talked to my teacher this morning and we’re in agreement that a book is needed. So, a book shall be purchased.
She told me that I was smart and had a good handle on what’s been taught so far. That came as a bit of a shock, to be totally honest, because I’m so NOT feelin’ it.
I decided to buy some keyboard stickers so that I could begin to blog in Ukie without having to use the keyboard viewer thingy that comes with my Mac.
Thus began the great dilemma of Wednesday: do they go on the laptop? Do they go on the iMac’s keyboard?
They went on the little bluetooth keyboard I primarily use with my iPad - it works with both the MBP and the iMac, so that’s a great compromise.
Another good heart to heart with the boss today.
I’m liking this place… so good to finally find a place to settle down and grow some roots.