My religion: fandom.

February 17, 2014 :: 6:22 PM

i needed a giggle

SO.

That friend, with the divorce, and the suicide watch, and the blunt text I sent?

Still haven’t heard back from them.

Commenced freaking out a couple of days ago.

Sent a “please fucking tell me you’re still breathing” text.

Nothing.

I posted this as my FB status today:
I don’t know how much more I can give without losing everything I’ve worked so hard for… And I’m pissed at myself for giving in and putting myself in that position in the first place.

Some people are just takers, and I should keep my distance. I don’t know why I can’t.

(My american football / hockey boyfriend had the best comment on that:  “I assume you are talking about BU hockey. I know the feeling.” LOVE HIM.)

Not quite a cry for attention, but if you knew what was going on, you knew why it was as vague as it was. It got the attention it needed from the person it needed attention from. So. Yeah.

Turns out my friend was reassigned from one residence to another. Their new place of residence has a mental health facility and is better adept to take care of them.

While I hope it was my too blunt text that caused this, I’m well aware that there is a very high possibility of them doing something stupid and drastic that resulted in their move…

I promised both of us I wouldn’t walk away again.

But Jesus fucking Christ on a motherfucking pogo stick, do they make it impossible to want to keep that promise…

 


*sigh*

February 08, 2014 :: 10:19 AM

he’s one damn fine human being…

In case you can’t read that:
Amberly: I need this retweeted by you to show my family that being gay isn’t always something you choose. They think I’m broken. Please. @Markgatiss

Mark Gatiss: Not a choice @Amberly29519238 - a gift. Be happy and strong. x

(For those not in the know, although I have no idea how you can not know this if you’re a regular reader, Mark Gatiss (pronounced GAY-tiss, BTW) is a co-creator and writer on my beloved Sherlock (BBC). He’s also written for Doctor Who. And… he’s married. To a dude.)

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this, and I totally adore him because of it.

It almost offsets the Moffat factor. But not by too much, since he still lets Moffat write episodes of Sherlock. *sigh*

——

In a more serious note, my divorcing friend pissed me off the other day.

I’d finally had enough and snapped at them via text.

Told them that they seriously needed to figure out how to rewire themselves. This default position of wanting to give up and/or threatening suicide (it’s really one and the same, isn’t it?), is old, is tired, and is not fair to those of us that love them.

I mean, seriously, I’m starting to feel that it’s a cry for attention. At any rate, it’s fucking obnoxious.

And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but it felt good to call them out on it.

I mean, me, of all people, saying something like that… to someone I feel is shattered beyond repair.

I’m an arsehole… I know that.

I haven’t heard from them since, and I’m (frighteningly) OK with that.

There has been too much drama, and despite my promises to tolerate it, and not walk away, I just can’t deal with it.

They wonder why they’re getting divorced…

If they could only read the texts they sent me from my point of view - or even their spouse’s - they’d see just what sort of damage they’re capable of inflicting and why we’re not willing to put up with it.

I offered to let them live with us because I felt like I was backed into a corner - suicide or a homeless shelter - and neither one is acceptable.

I shouldn’t have made the offer. Once things calmed down, it hit me hard what an amazingly terrible idea that is.

I can’t handle them from a distance… living with them has the potential to absolutely destroy me.

So now, I’m back where I started from - wanting to run as far as them as I possibly can, and needing to stay and support them as long as they make the right decision, of course.

Can’t stand by and support a dead person, can I?

——

In happier news, my boss absolutely loves me. He said as much yesterday.

I got my business cards. If that’s not a sign of permanence, I don’t know what is.

I got an official invite from the Department of Athletics to go to their monthly finance meeting. The other staff accountant didn’t, and he’s the one who is supposed to be working for them full time. I’m supposed to be working for the other building we manage, which is not affiliated with the University in any way, shape, or form.

It makes me wonder - especially since everything’s been so confused and fucked up because of the mess we were thrown into on day one - what my role actually is is. What I’m being groomed for. I have my ideas, of course, and they thrill me beyond belief.

I tell everyone who asks how much I love this job, and it’s the truth. I could not be happier. The universe certainly made up for fucking me over the past year.

I love it to the point that when BU played my employer last night. I was tempted to cheer for both teams. (I love both sets of boys - the school I was supposed to go to and the one that funds my paychecks.) Hockey East is getting more complicated…UConn, my employer, BU. Our neighbours in 114 are going to end up hating me next season. *grin*

And on that note, it’s time to look for a hack to my never ending external drive issue and get the power button on my MBP fixed.

Woo!!!! I am living it up today! Jealous?


All hail the Cumberdork!

February 02, 2014 :: 2:33 PM

this man is pure perfection, even at his dorkiest

What a crazy week.

It is hard to learn a new job when the person training you doesn’t know what they’re doing.

I don’t mean that in a ‘he’s stupid’ kind of way, but a ‘he walked into a completely fucked up situation that he was unprepared for and has no idea where to even start cleaning up the mess and oh my Dog, what the fuck do I do with this person sitting next to me chomping at the bit to do stuff?’ kind of way.

After three weeks, he’s made some major progress and I feel like I’ve learned enough to start doing stuff on my own. I spent all of Friday at my own desk working on the few things I know how to do. It was crappy data entry - two months of catch up for two different buildings - but it was GLORIOUS. I’ve never been so happy to just sit at a desk and endlessly type random crap like “0020-000-00” and “0037-002-00” a gazillion times.

Unlike the last jackwagon I worked for, he LOVES that I’m taking notes. Good notes. None of that “if you can’t understand this, you’re stupid” kind of shit.

I honestly do not know how I could possibly be any happier. (Outside of having this exact job in the UK, perhaps… but that’s not an option right now.)

——

Found out two good friends broke up last night. It breaks my heart.

——

Also spent the last two days texting with a friend who is getting a divorce. They’re not in a good place, and it’s not an exaggeration to say that I feel like I’m on suicide watch. I’ve been so careful with what I’ve been saying, but it’s exhausting to not let them have it with both barrels. I’m glad that - despite the amount I fell apart during my unemployment - I’m strong enough to be able to be here for them over the past two days. It hasn’t been easy and it kind of ruined my night out with Black Mountain Symphony last night, but that’s what friends do right?

However, it was an emotionally exhausting two days (so far - I’m currently being ignored again), and now I know why I internalise everything and don’t unload on friends.

——

Possibly related, my phone’s internal dictionary has decided to ignore the fact that it’s set to British English and seeing words spelt the American way is annoying. It’s starting to seriously fuck with my head.

I guess that’s a sign that my employer needs to move to England sooner rather than later…

——

I’ve decided to take the little bit of both the Johnlock and Marlas 30 Day OTP Challenges I’ve written and post them on AO3. I hate when people publish unfinished works, but after driving to both Worcester and Chester, VT this weekend, the voices in my head have told me it’s time to polish and post.

I’ve never been able to argue with the creativity-related voices in my head.


The shit I learn in the name of fan fic…

January 06, 2014 :: 7:37 PM

aren’t they cute?

So.

I’ve been continually researching asexuality for my Johnlock fan fics (last night’s episode did absolutely nothing to help us out, btw *sigh*) and I came across this website called “The Thinking Asexual”.

Fascinating stuff.

No. Really.

I subscribe to their updates because the site is really good. Today’s update included the following quote:

I’m thinking of feelings that lead to what you could call “gray area relationships.” Relationships that are essentially a blending of common friendship and traditional romance, that fall in between the two standard categories. Relationships that look a lot like romance but are not sexual, don’t actually have to include any kind of romantic attraction, and are a hell of a lot more important and emotional and intimate than common friendships.

I’ve mentioned my “little brother” Jeff on here several times… and damned if that isn’t the best description of what he and I have.

When we were in college, he and I had that exact sort of relationship: it looked romantic / sexual but had none of that and was definitely more important than a common friendship. Which is exactly why he’ll always be my little brother. We thought about trying out a romantic relationship. Once. It was discarded just as quickly as it was brought up. Distance might have changed the parameters of our relationship, as did the spousal units and children, but he’s always going to be one of the most important people in my life. Even if we never speak again.

THAT’S what I’ve been trying to capture in my Johnlock stuff. (Because, again, I couldn’t write porn if my life depended on it, and I don’t really want to. Not for this relationship at least. It doesn’t feel right to me.)

THAT’S what yesterday’s Sherlock episode was about.

Is Sherlock asexual?

Who knows.

Canonically, we’ll probably never know… people have been guessing about the relationship between Holmes and Watson since ACD first wrote about them. Mofftiss hasn’t done much for us, either.

So, I read stuff like this and I *know* that no matter what comes out (HEE!) in the BBC canon, my Sherlock will always be an ace. His relationship with John is so much my relationship with Jeff that it’s scary.

I just hope that when I write those dynamics between Sherlock and John that I can do my friendship with Jeff justice, because at the end of the day, we write what we know…


Obligatory NYE post

December 31, 2013 :: 12:01 PM

sherlock returns tomorrow!

Last year, my #threewords were self, create, and family.

I think I did well -

SELF: despite being unemployed for most of the year, and dealing with a serious, debilitating, case of depression, there were days when I was able to pull myself out of it and function.

There were also days when I excelled at being a functional human, despite The Ick.

This was probably the worst bipolar / depression episode I’ve ever had, if only because of the length of time it lasted. 

But I survived it, no matter how hard it was to remember that depression lies.

CREATE: I published four pieces of fan fic on AO3. While I’m not a superstar, I’ve gotten some kudos, some nice comments, and a proofreader out of it. If I grow some balls, I might even have a brit-picker.

And I’m still writing - I have a Cabin Pressure 30 Day OTP Challenge I’m struggling with, the NaNoWriMo Case Fic / Johnlock disaster that really needs some serious editing, the Sherlock 30 Day OTP Challenge I started as a warm up to NaNo, and I’ve got an idea for another Johnlock fic that I toyed with a long time ago. It never came to fruition because I didn’t know the best way to handle it. After reading a similar Cabin Pressure fic, everything clicked and I can see that those first two pages have a lot of promise.

I didn’t do nearly as much photography as I wanted to, and I never learned how to sew, but I think the amount I wrote more than makes up for it. I also got some quality knitting done, so all things considered, “create” was probably my most successful word.

FAMILY: I spent a lot of time with my Albany family and managed to expand it. I knit a sweater for L. I managed to create/strengthen relationships with high school and college friends that previously didn’t exist in anything similar to their current form. I let go of close friends that I considered family when their behavior turned toxic.

... and finally, oddly, I managed to piss off a member of my family with my deeply rooted belief that I am Polish. Only the National Archives in Warsaw know for sure… but I’m still holding out hope.

This year, I’m not sure what my three words should be. I have a rough idea, but I don’t know if these three are final yet.

I came up with the lame “happy/happiness” for the first one. (At least I think it’s lame - the word, not the idea behind it.)  I want to focus on doing more things that make me happy. Whether that’s to write more, spend more time with my family, get my ass to London at least for a visit, stay at the new job, continue to embrace the SuperWhoLock family and the friends I made there, I just want to do the stupid little things that make me happy. I spent too much of 2013 feeling like a victim, “suffering” from the bipolar and really letting it define who I was. That’s not really something I’m proud of - and while the bipolar is something I’ll always have to deal with - I handled it poorly this year, despite my few victories.

The second one would have to be “travel”. I want to visit far away places this year (London, obviously), but there are places closer to home to see as well. I really want to play tour guide when my friend from Cincy finally gets her ass to the East Coast, and sometimes there’s nothing better than being a tourist in your own town. I’d like to spend more time with Black Mountain Symphony. I’d like to spend more time in Connecticut with my friends and family there.

I think the third one has to be “J”. This year has been super rough on both of us, and I know I’ve taken advantage of his kindness and patience several hundred thousand times.  Part of me couldn’t help it (unfortunately, the depression really forced him to step up and be a grown up which I hated), and part of me just watched as he did things that I was going to do later that day, and part of me tried to make up for it in stupid little ways that aren’t nearly enough. He’s been my rock through everything that’s happened since January 1998 and I can’t imagine my life without him, so it’s probably time that I let him know that I’m sorry for 2013 and 2014 will be a better year for us. My biggest fear is that I’ll lose him. There’s only so much crap I can put him through before he gets fed up, right? Shit, I hated myself for most of this year. I don’t know how or why he’s still around… I would have left me a long time ago.

No - there hasn’t been any sign of things going that bad between us, but it’s a very real fear that’s taken root lately. He really is the Hubby of Wonder because I wonder every day why he’s still here.

These kind of overlap with last year’s, but I’m OK with that.

Happy end of 2013, everyone… may 2014 give you everything your heart desires.

 

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