Obsessions and drama

January 25, 2009 :: 6:35 PM

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ahl all-star game :: portland, me :: 2003

Its the AHL All-Star Weekend this weekend and I wanted to be in Worcester in the worst way, but it just didn’t work out.  The above picture is from the only All-Star game I’ve been to - it was our honeymoon.  (Yes, we were married in August and didn’t honeymoon until January.)  In case you didn’t get that:  We went to Maine.  For a hockey game.  For our honeymoon.

I’ve been accused of being completely odd… but as I’ve pointed out before, I’m a wicked obsessed hockey fan.  The hubby had to become one, or else it just wasn’t going to work. He fell in love with the sport.  Which, of course, is a good thing. 

For the record, we got married on the 20th anniversary of Chronic Town‘s release. This was a total coincidence, but one I’m proud of.  (I’m a huge R.E.M. fan if you hadn’t noticed.  The URL of this blog is the fifth song on the second side of Fables of the Reconstruction / Reconstruction of the Fables (Or the tenth song on the CD for you young’uns).)  He is not an R.E.M. fan.  I’m working on that.

I was moving some old journals and one fell open to a really interesting entry I had written during college.  I was struggling with that “should I stay or should I go” phase of a relationship.  I stayed, but the issue forcing that particular decision hasn’t yet gone away, even though he did. A decision is made when you choose to do nothing, remember. 

Now I’m kind of facing an offshoot of that same issue.  It’s a “do I / don’t I” thing.  I know I’m on the “don’t I” side, but there is much temptation to cross that line.  I’m pretty sure I know the root of what’s bringing this issue back to the forefront, but damn.  I’ve lived over half my life suffering the consequences of when someone else chose “do I” over me.  I like to think that this particular piece of drama is related to that and my getting over the pain that decision caused… but I don’t really know.  I know that biology is stronger than science and that scares the crap out of me.  I wasn’t ready to face down that decision now… even though I knew in my gut that it was inevitable.

Now that it’s time is here, I’m stuck with facing a particularly dangerous demon.  If I give in, I walk the same path that led my parents to their deaths.  If I keep to what I know is true, I feel like a bit of a social leper.  An outcast.  I know that perception is mine, and mine alone, but it’s a hard thing for me to get past.

It’s a weird thing for me to be so vague in a blog entry, but I don’t want to name this demon and give it even more power over me than it already has. If you know me, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s actually probably for the best… even though you can find it in the archives if you look for it.

 


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