In the words of River Song: Spoilers

Taken as a whole, the three episodes of this series were a ridiculous amount of fan service with a nice undercurrent of love/loyalty/mystery running through it. Even the finale was relatively satisfying - which I wasn’t expecting. And we got more Mama and Papa Cumberbabe!!!!

BUT

There are no tears here, unless they’re tears of outrage.

Because…

FUCKING MOFFAT

*throws things*

*stomps angrily around room*

There’s an ever growing complaint in the WhoLock fandom that Moffat couldn’t write a strong, interesting woman if his life depended on it. (As much as I love Amy Pond and River Song he did them huge disservices as a show runner on Who. And don’t even get me started on the waste of space that was Clara.)

*throws more things*

He gives Mary this wonderful - absolutely fucking amazing - back story.

Like *BOOM* mind blowing back story…

and then what does he do?

He completely fucks it up.

COMPLETELY.

*stomps around room some more*

*does best velociraptor impersonation*

*scares dogs with screams of rage*

*throws even more things*

John forgave her for having this nefarious past. Doesn’t even want to know who she was. (Mary Morstan is not her real name, although I had that pegged when Sherlock deduced that she was a liar. I also knew that Mofftiss was “expanding” on ACD canon with some of their own head canon. So, again, not a huge surprise.)

She had the potential to be completely fascinating and amazing and wonderful and and and and and…

HE TURNED HER BACK INTO A WEAK WOMAN WHO IS DEFINED BY A FUCKING MAN.

Seriously.

If we turned “How many times was she referred to as ‘Mary Watson’” into a drinking game, we’d all be pretty shitfaced.

WE KNOW SHE MARRIED JOHN WATSON, SHITHEAD. YOU DON’T NEED TO KEEP REMINDING US THAT SHE IS JOHN’S WIFE.

(For the record, one of the reasons I didn’t take J’s last name is because it’s not mine. I’m not losing my name, my identity, because I got married. Sorry. I don’t play that game. I think it’s fine if other women want to take their husband’s name, but I have a ridiculously strong sense of self, which apparently manifests itself in Borderline Personality Disorder and my “inability to accept” that I got married by “not acknowledging what that truly means and bowing to societal norms”. Or some bullshit like that. I have the file somewhere from when I changed doctors…  (Um, since I’m raging anyway: FUCK YOU, USELESS SHRINK!) )

*looks around for more things to throw*

*ends up shaking fist and screaming MOOOOFFFATTTT! as loud as possible*

*scares dogs again*

*gets look of death from J*

I can’t even… I was expecting a case of feels on a level with the Reichenfeels, but all I got was an empty feeling that everything they had built to was solved by just another fucking weak ass deus ex machina moment.

Mark Gatiss, for the love of all that is good and holy, KEEP MOFFAT AWAY FROM SHERLOCK! Bounce ideas off of him all you want, but DO NOT LET HIM WRITE ANOTHER EPISODE THAT HAS MARY MORSTAN IN IT. OR ANY OTHER INTERESTING FEMALE CHARACTER.

Let him continue to fuck up Who. The NewWhovians already hate his guts, so - you know, let’s just embrace the status quo.

(Oh, and actually, that whole Sherlock’s girlfriend thing? I’m fine with MOST of it because it is canon, but her last minute ‘double cross’? LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME. She, too, had the capability to be more than she was. More that just a punchline to a fandom that knows ACD canon.)

I can’t even get on tumblr right now. It’s either going to be six shades of ugly or a thousand flavours of rainbows and kittens and I can’t deal with either.

*curls up on couch in ball and reads more Drarry fan fiction because it’s not pissing me off like the new round of “fix-it” Sherlock fic is*