Migraines and misery and warm fuzzies

sassy benedict is sassy

Where to begin?

I’ve not felt well since Friday, when I walked away from an offer and passed up a third interview.

The self-doubt was paralysing.

Apparently, it was something I should have listened to.

I didn’t even get a second interview at the restaurant… which was the entire reason I walked away from everything else.

So, yeah. Migraines and misery. The stress wasn’t bad enough as it was, so the bipolar cranked it up to eleventy billion.

And now my brain feels like it’s about to crawl out of my eyeballs, noise hurts, food is just a bad idea, and even brushing my hair caused unbearable agony.

I’m absolutely miserable.

I hate myself for walking away.

I hate myself for letting my hope get out of control.

I hate myself for yet another bad employment related decision.

——

But just when I thought I really wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground, I got this comment on “PARIS”...

*stifled whimpers* agh *shattering noise* b-but *sobbing* THERE WAS SPOONING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rolling on the ground in agony* *clutches knees to chest* FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXX THEMMMMMMMM MARTIN YOU IDIOT AND DOUGLAS FUCKING SAY YOU DONT WANT A ONE NIGHT STAND GOD DAMMIT GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES
... i liked it

And then, I got this one:

Please tell me this isn’t how it ends! :( I can’t bear it.  Why can’t they just get it together? This is just not fair.

A little background since you’re probably not reading it - Martin’s crushing on Douglas. Douglas is crushing on Martin. They decide to sleep together in the same bed. (Just sleep, no sex. I am TERRIBLE at M/M sex scenes. Really terrible.) That does wind up with a little bit of Douglas kissing Martin and then Martin freaks out and pulls away. Then he initiates a kiss, and Douglas pulls away. Martin assumes that all Douglas wants is a one night stand… which couldn’t be farther from the truth. At any rate, the chapter ends with Douglas throwing Martin out of his bed and the two end up heartbroken and in their own beds. There may or may not be a little crying going on.

It’s a real downer of an ending. It’s terrible and I am so sorry that that’s the way it went, but…

Basically, at this point, it’s all dictation. The boys ignored the arc of the trilogy. They definitely wanted to stretch out the tale of their relationship (remember when it bloated to five parts?) and it was hard to reel them back in. So, this happened.

I’ve been getting comments on the Johnlock and “HARTFORD” on how sweet and fluffy they are, and then I write this heartbreaking shit.

I’m amazed with the way I pulled it off and I’m more amazed at the reactions I received.

I knew that I was doing something right when I got that first comment. I really knew I was doing something very right when I got the second. To know that my writing that has that much power… it’s humbling and exciting.

I highly doubt I’ll ever publish a book like I wanted to when I was younger - and, really, I don’t even want to try any more - but publishing little crappy bits of fan fiction is fulfilling enough.

It really is.

And I’m just going to focus on the fact that I do have talent and that people like what I spent months on. That the four (five?) different drafts were worth it. That the extra hours of editing BEFORE I click post are worth it…

Thank you, one and all, who kudo, comment and simply stop by to read.

You certainly made the lingering ick of the last few days bearable.

Now, if I could only get rid of this fucking migraine.