Useless. Worthless. Hopeless. (TW: Depression, suicide)

i am thankful this fine looking man exists

I talk a lot about how I’m not suicidal, how I’ve made it past that point in my life…

but that doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself to think about it from time to time.

Let me clarify before you start dialing 911, OK?

I don’t think about suicide in concrete ways: I need to write a note, I need to decide on a method, I need to blah blah blah…

I do, however, slip into thinking about how much better my life would be if I wasn’t here to live it.

Keep your hands away from the phone.

I’m not done yet.

I made myself promise (a looooong time ago, after my dad told me he’d kill me if I killed myself) that if I ever started to think that dying would be the best way out of my current situation I would think of two reasons to stay around for every one reason to leave. That two to one ratio is a BITCH.

Not that I have to find two good things, but that I have to think of bad things.

It’s been flawless so far.

Seriously.

Today’s bad thing was that I’m the reason we’re not going to have any savings. If I’m gone, J gets my (rather generous) life insurance proceeds. Money problems solved.

Today’s corresponding good things: I would miss Guinness barking in his sleep and I would miss the simple joy of seeing Mr. Cumberbatch’s face.

Yeah, they’re kind of stupid, but it can’t be the same thing all the time. The good things take some serious thought. The bad things are easy.

I’m in a very, very bad place right now.

But I’m OK.

Really.

I’ll get through this. I always do.

Guinness is barking in his sleep as I type this, and I’m really glad I’m here to hear it.

Life isn’t meant to be easy 100% of the time.

Life isn’t mean to be fun 100% of the time.

But I’m meant to be here 100% of the time, for whatever time I have left… and I don’t plan on leaving early.

Besides, I’m really fucking curious to see what good things I have to come up with tomorrow when I can’t get out of bed.

Assuming, of course, that I struggle to get out of bed tomorrow…

Right now, the Cabin Pressure fic is behaving itself, so I’m really into working on it.

Right now, I’ve had another person favorite “It Was Always There”.

Right now, I’m curious as to whether or not my elbow (tendonitis? pinched nerve? The Dr. wasn’t sure.) will finally heal.

Right now, I’m curious to see if Guinness can actually start and stop if I try to do a Couch to 5K workout with him.

Right now, I’m looking forward to getting out of bed tomorrow and watching a new episode of Master Chef UK while I get ready for the day.

Right now, I know I’m going to be A-OK.

And that’s really all that matters.