instrument (the band) :: hungry tiger, manchester, ct :: dec. 12, 2008
“All we are is all we’ll ever be…” Instrument - “Invincible”
I drove down to CT to watch Instrument play at the Hungry Tiger on Thursday. I did this for two reasons: 1) I needed FUN!, and 2) it was a test of my intestinal fortitude. I grew up in Manchester, 10 minutes from the Tiger. My dad and I used to spend a lot of time at Charter Oak Park (which is behind the bar) and we used to eat there. It was one of his favorite restaurants. I made myself pretty sick on the drive there - just stressing myself out and having all these little memory land mines come out of nowhere. But, I’ve gone to the cemetery, so this couldn’t be that hard right? Right? HA! I almost bawled when I looked at the menu. Yeah, it’s changed, but his favorite sandwiches were still on it - can’t beat the classics.
Before I continue my recap… I was once accused by a boyfriend that I didn’t “let him in” (Emotionally. Get your mind out of the gutter.). I explained to him that I had several levels of friendship and that were certain “tests” you had to pass to move deeper into my world. (After my mom died, I learned pretty quickly who my friends and family were. Basically no one I had known prior to March 18, 1992 stuck around for very long after that. So, sue me for being protective of myself. You would be too, if your whole life IM.PLOD.ED. KABOOM!)
Anyhoo, he compared them to Dante’s layers of hell. At the time, the bipolar was undiagnosed and in full swing and, in retrospect, I imagine it was probably very similar. Instead of hell, I imagine the Tower of London. On steroids.
1) There are those outside the gates: the unknowns/the creepy drunk guys. I don’t even let them come close.
2) There’s an area inside the walls, but not really close enough for entry into the fortress: people I hang around with because they are part of my social circle but I have no real connection to.
3) Inside the fortress walls are people I like, but don’t necessarily want to spill my guts to. These are casual friends. That boyfriend.
4) There’s another fortress behind another wall. Behind that wall is my “outer circle”. These are people I *might* take a bullet for. It depends.
5) Inside that fortress is my “inner circle” - the people I WOULD take a bullet for. Without question.
6) Finally, there’s a protected bunker inside the fortress. That’s where my family lives. Not my blood relations - they’re mostly useless. I mean my REAL family… my two brothers, my two sisters, my half-brother, my husband. These people are my family because they have gone through the worst of the bipolar and come out the other side with me. THEY’VE EARNED IT. These are people who are so precious to me, there are no words for it.<./side note>
A few months ago, I had a blinding flash of the obvious during a conversation with someone. It was such a BFO it instantly granted him access to “level 4”. Thursday night, he made it to level 5. V says we “bonded”... maybe. I don’t know. Bonded doesn’t seem like the right word… but it will do. There’s something about him that really makes me put my guard down. I wish I knew what it was. Maybe I’d bottle it so I could use it more often. Whatever. I just really like him. He’s good people.
I’m normally a low-energy introvert, so when I go out like this, I actually try to tap into the mania side of the bipolar - for the extended energy boost that gets me home safely at 3:45 in the morning. Honestly though, there are points where real me is very high energy without being manic. It’s a fine line to walk - too manic and I take stupid risks. I totally could have / might have kissed someone Thursday night. But common sense pulled me back from the edge. As it was, I thought I was pretty well behaved. Except for the language and the hand motion… and I didn’t even notice those, until comments were made about them being ‘arousing’. I think I’m going to keep my hands in my pockets and never talk again.
I’m going back on Sunday to see the band play again. I think I’m a glutton for punishment, but I’m interested to see if someone is going to misbehave again. $10 says he doesn’t, but I do…