If I hadn’t lost your number, I’d call you on the telephone

orion and rollz :: lucky dog, worcester, ma :: march 31, 2010

I just survived a week of meetings with our CFO from China. I can’t even begin to tell you how proud of myself I am.

Why?

Because I’ve been running on adrenaline since NOVEMBER. I had a small break and then all hell broke loose in March and it didn’t really let up. I don’t suppose I need to tell you how unhealthy that is.

I broke down in tears on Monday, several times. I’ve never been so happy to have my own office. Although, that didn’t stop the Boy Wonder from catching me in the act. I pulled a D - “I’m not here. You’re not seeing this. This isn’t really happening.” - but, you know, the damage was already done. Nothing like bawling in front of your boss. That would be bad on a good day. It’s worse when the bipolar is common knowledge. It bothered me to see him so scared. People never know how to react…

I wasn’t able to mourn my father appropriately on the 10th anniversary of his death, and this Monday is his birthday. I’ve finally hit the wall. There is no more adrenaline left. There is only depression and tears.

Hitting rock bottom, finally having the nervous breakdown I kept joking about, during what is possibly the worst week ever to do that, was a lot of fun.

I wish I knew how I kept my shit together long enough to make it through Friday afternoon. 

As a result of the week from hell, I chose to skip out on Matthew Ebel’s VIP beer bash today. I was going to go into work this weekend and try to catch up. I decided against that as well. Instead, I’m still in my pjs, reading the most exciting textbooks known to man.

Sitting at home, wallowing, distracting myself with homework, just seems like the right thing to do.

I wasn’t going to go to last night’s Black Mountain Symphony show. I was going to go home and collapse. Let the loss, the stress, whatever, just take over and get it out of my system.

I was actually planning (hoping?) to cry all night… I had sad movies picked out, sad music, whatever it would take, so I could get ‘better’ and head out today.  But, when I got in my car and left work, it decided to ignore me and drive me to Shelburne Falls, MA.

It was a low-key show in a coffee house. I had RSVP’d no because I had other plans for this weekend, and once I got there, I had kind of hoped to just sit in a dark corner somewhere and hide. Get what I needed from the music and go home. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to socialize… but the coffee shop was tiny and there was no hiding.

There are the stupid little moments that don’t mean anything to anyone, but that completely rocked my world. Things said in passing, faces lighting up when they saw me, hugs, promises to see each other again, being begged to go to Pearl-a-palooza next weekend… Besides getting what I needed from the music, I got what I didn’t even know I needed from the band.

Yeah… I’m not even going to go there. You know how I get about them.

During the drive back from the show, it hit me. My dad always wanted me to go to grad school, I’m getting my Master’s and school starts on his birthday. I couldn’t have planned that shit if I tried…

I think tomorrow I’m going to get up early and try to get breakfast at the Goldenrod (I hope they’re still open for the season). There is definitely a trip to the Nubble on deck no matter how terrible I feel.

I will survive this because I can… but for now, I just need to let it beat me. Restore the natural order to my life. Reset my brain.

There are somethings that meds just can’t do.