I run to be free


November 03, 2019 :: 4:48 PM

I don’t even know how many miles all those medals total…

Last year, after the Universal 5K Fun Run (in December), I wrote a blog entry about how proud I was about my 80 intentional miles and how 35 of those counted towards HRC / WRC medals.

Yesterday, while closing the Nike Run Club app, I noticed that I’ve done 275 intentional miles since Spring Quidditch (in May). My medal rack went from empty to OMG, I need a new one.

Virtual runs. Fandoms. I’ve been made fun of more than once for one/the other/both… but the changes they’ve made in me have been nothing short of amazing.

I didn’t make my ten miles yesterday, and I’m still hoping I can jump from 37 to 50 miles so I can match my Spring Quidditch totals. Right now, that would move me from 274 to 181 in a field of 780 people. (If my math is correct, that would put me in the top 25%! WTAF?)

That’s an accomplishment I never thought I’d reach.

#ForBill is more than a rallying cry to a group of people who lost the House Cup by three points. #Quidditch is more than a bunch of people putting up insane miles over ten days in order for bragging rights. #Hogwarts is more than a castle. #Ravenclaw is more than just a House… It’s family. It’s home.

When we talk about #somuchgood, it’s not necessarily about the fundraising we do for charity… it’s also about the changes we make in ourselves.

*poof*


November 02, 2019 :: 10:27 AM

my binder in scrivener actually has a folder of ‘shit that needs holy water’

It’s November 2nd, which means I’m one day late in starting my NaNoWriMo project.

I wasn’t going to do NaNo this year between running and trying to get myself back into Ukrainian, but my little Yuri On Ice fan fic grew into nineteen chapters and got completely and utterly fucked at about chapter 8. Ten chapters to rewrite…

And then I reread the first 8 chapters and there are too many breadcrumbs leading up to the trainwreck.

I should plot instead of pants.

43,400+ words later, I have the plot but have to do some extensive rewriting. Changing the POV, bringing the characters back IN character. Oh,it is SO. FUCKING. BAD.

I joked on FB that there’s a difference between delete and rewrite and sprinkling some holy water in order to exorcise the bad writing.

I wish I could get away with the holy water… The power of Christ compels you to not be an utter an complete waste of FORTY THREE THOUSAND WORDS!!!!

Too bad life’s not a shitty horror movie and bad writing is harder to get rid of.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read Line and Verse (From Almaty, With Love) before editing.

 

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Facebook reminded me that today was the day I found out my boss sold me out to the CFO the day I told him I was bipolar… and that she felt she had to walk on eggshells around me. For over a year.

I’d already asked for a private office, invoking the ADA, and was working frantically with my shrink to get the worst of it under control, but the damage had been done.

Thirteen days from today, they would come into my office at noon and tell me to leave. That I’d be allowed back after I met with their doctor.

Their doctor who made shit up and resulted in writing the report that got me fired.

Everybody who read his report knew it was nothing but lies, but there was nothing I could do. My own doctor was “biased” and not worth talking to.

I thought about suing them and I thought about going after the doctor… but in the end, I didn’t want to fight. I knew how they would talk about me and I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d be that person.

Instead, I live with a case of ‘what ifs’ and some pretty deeply rooted shame.

I can’t help that I’m bipolar. I can’t help that it flared despite my best efforts. I can’t even help the fact that it fucked me so hard that I will probably never recover. Therapy didn’t do shit (and I tried, oh did I try!) and the drugs didn’t work. So I keep on keepin’ on.

It’s all I know how to do.

 

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Speaking of the bipolar, I’ve found that running clears my head in a way that the drugs can’t… so I’m doing yet another Racery event. (Spring Quidditch, Battle of the Fandoms 1 & 2, The Whovian Running Club’s Fall Racery event, The Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip, and now, Fall Quidditch.)

It’s a great way to push me to my limits, which I really need right now because I am woefully unprepared for the half I’m running in December.

 

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In happier news, I decided to create my own NaNo tracker.

I need to find better Yurio quotes, but I think it’s oddly fitting given that I’m rewriting ‘The Death of the Russian Fairy’. (Which is a working title that I’m not in love with…)

 

Isn’t it awesome? I’m pretty proud of the way I made GoogleSheets my bitch.