Migraines and misery and warm fuzzies

sassy benedict is sassy

Where to begin?

I’ve not felt well since Friday, when I walked away from an offer and passed up a third interview.

The self-doubt was paralysing.

Apparently, it was something I should have listened to.

I didn’t even get a second interview at the restaurant… which was the entire reason I walked away from everything else.

So, yeah. Migraines and misery. The stress wasn’t bad enough as it was, so the bipolar cranked it up to eleventy billion.

And now my brain feels like it’s about to crawl out of my eyeballs, noise hurts, food is just a bad idea, and even brushing my hair caused unbearable agony.

I’m absolutely miserable.

I hate myself for walking away.

I hate myself for letting my hope get out of control.

I hate myself for yet another bad employment related decision.

——

But just when I thought I really wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground, I got this comment on “PARIS”...

*stifled whimpers* agh *shattering noise* b-but *sobbing* THERE WAS SPOONING AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *rolling on the ground in agony* *clutches knees to chest* FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXX THEMMMMMMMM MARTIN YOU IDIOT AND DOUGLAS FUCKING SAY YOU DONT WANT A ONE NIGHT STAND GOD DAMMIT GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ARSES
... i liked it

And then, I got this one:

Please tell me this isn’t how it ends! :( I can’t bear it.  Why can’t they just get it together? This is just not fair.

A little background since you’re probably not reading it - Martin’s crushing on Douglas. Douglas is crushing on Martin. They decide to sleep together in the same bed. (Just sleep, no sex. I am TERRIBLE at M/M sex scenes. Really terrible.) That does wind up with a little bit of Douglas kissing Martin and then Martin freaks out and pulls away. Then he initiates a kiss, and Douglas pulls away. Martin assumes that all Douglas wants is a one night stand… which couldn’t be farther from the truth. At any rate, the chapter ends with Douglas throwing Martin out of his bed and the two end up heartbroken and in their own beds. There may or may not be a little crying going on.

It’s a real downer of an ending. It’s terrible and I am so sorry that that’s the way it went, but…

Basically, at this point, it’s all dictation. The boys ignored the arc of the trilogy. They definitely wanted to stretch out the tale of their relationship (remember when it bloated to five parts?) and it was hard to reel them back in. So, this happened.

I’ve been getting comments on the Johnlock and “HARTFORD” on how sweet and fluffy they are, and then I write this heartbreaking shit.

I’m amazed with the way I pulled it off and I’m more amazed at the reactions I received.

I knew that I was doing something right when I got that first comment. I really knew I was doing something very right when I got the second. To know that my writing that has that much power… it’s humbling and exciting.

I highly doubt I’ll ever publish a book like I wanted to when I was younger - and, really, I don’t even want to try any more - but publishing little crappy bits of fan fiction is fulfilling enough.

It really is.

And I’m just going to focus on the fact that I do have talent and that people like what I spent months on. That the four (five?) different drafts were worth it. That the extra hours of editing BEFORE I click post are worth it…

Thank you, one and all, who kudo, comment and simply stop by to read.

You certainly made the lingering ick of the last few days bearable.

Now, if I could only get rid of this fucking migraine.

Remember, remember, the 10th of November.

jawn noticed my cheekbones

It seems so weird to me that two of my most favourite people in the world share a birthday, but maybe it shouldn’t.

I’ve known them both for just about the same amount of time, but I’ve only met one of them in person.

That situation really needs to rectify itself.

BEFORE I move across the ocean and live near the one I’ve already met.

I’m just sayin’ that there are plenty of haunted spots in New England that are worthy of exploration…

At any rate, I’m lucky that they exist. (And that they share the same birthday so it’s easier to remember.)

——

I’ve been more active on AO3 lately, trying to take the edge off the boredom and make some new friends… it’s paying off in terms of exposure. In the past week, my Johnlock has gotten about 50 - 100 new hits.

Current stats, so I can compare in the future:

PARIS: 10 subscribers, 504 hits, 23 kudos, 2 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

HARTFORD: 10 subscribers, 433 hits, 23 kudos, 8 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

IT WAS ALWAYS THERE: 1 subscriber, 1018 hits, 11 kudos, 0 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

50 shades of grey

There’s been A LOT (too much) of discussion over Sherlock and John’s sexuality within the fandom. I’ve seen battle lines drawn over whether or not Johnlock is a bromance or a homosexual relationship. I generally lean to bromance, but I’m trying something new for NaNoWriMo.

I’m pretty open to a lot of different types of Johnlock fan fic, but I don’t necessarily hold to the (practically canon) fandom view that Sherlock’s an full blown ace and John’s Sherlock-sexual. While trying to make their relationship work within the confines of my NaNo disaster (see: reduced to writing pr0n), I ended up doing a metric shit ton of research.

Holy motherfuck is there a lot of grey in terms of sexuality.

I’m not stupid. I know there’s not One True Sexuality (unless you’re a close minded… oh, fuck it. You know where I stand on that particular issue.), but to see all the labels that people are applying to themselves, in an attempt to build a sense of community, was kind of mind-blowing.

So, that said, here’s my head canon on the Johnlock sexuality question:

Although, John *could* technically be called “Sherlock-sexual’ (gah. that label needs to die a painful death), he’s actually straight, with a preference for men (MSM). I find John’s sexuality most interesting because it really breaks down the borders and limitations that people assign to straight people.

I love this quote:
“This line of thinking is not necessarily true. In fact, it’s often not the case at all! You can fantasize about all kinds of activities that have everything, or very little, to do with your sexual orientation. You can engage in and even enjoy sexual acts that are the complete opposite to what your sexual orientation really is.” 

So. Easy peasey, mac and cheesey: MY John is straight because that’s his sexual orientation. Behaviour is not the same as orientation. Period. End of discussion.

Sherlock - oh, Sherlock. Now that’s a fucking rabbit hole of epic proportions.

And one I jumped into with both feet.

After reading about this for three hours (yep, I’m an expert now, bitches!), I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that MY Sherlock is demisexual / homoromantic. (I’m considering Sherlock to be gay because of the way he answers John’s questions about boyfriends / girlfriends.)

a) Demisexual: According to one hypothetical model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person’s looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.

b) Homoromantic: A person who is romantically attracted to a member of the same sex or gender. Homoromantic asexuals seek romantic relationships for a variety of reasons, including companionship, affection, and intimacy, but they are not necessarily sexually attracted to their romantic partners.

(H/T to asexuality.org for both definitions)

I’m sure once (IF) my little casefic goes live on AO3, I’ll hear something about my little head canon ideas of the Johnlock sexuality question.

And that’s completely fine.

I think that this is a conversation that needs to be had, because this is a completely fascinating world…

Sexuality isn’t black and white, and neither is the relationship between Sherlock and John.

In ACD canon, the relationship between the two men tends to be a little questionable.

As far as the BBC canon is concerned, Moffat and Cumberbatch hold that Sherlock is an ace. Freeman, on the other hand, considers “Sherlock” to be the gayest show on the telly.

Abso-fucking-lutely fascinating.

Maybe I should have gotten into psychology or literature as a major…

If I had had any idea doing this sort of research and applying it to the written word would be THIS much fun, I would have tried to make a living out of it.

Text messages worth keeping

My favourite Buckeye fan: You know I love ya, ya crazy ass

Me: I think you meant to say crazy assHOLE. Wouldn’t want people to think I’m going soft in my old age.

Me: There’s a dick joke in there somewhere.

My favourite Buckeye fan: There’s always a dick joke in there somewhere ha ha

Me: Seeing how I’ve been writing pr0n all day, it’s more like there’s always a dick somewhere!

Me: Rule # 4 of NaNo: When in doubt, write pr0n.

Me: Susie sat on the edge of the bed and licked her lips when Johnny pulled out his ding dong. “Oh, baby, I want that in my mouth.”

Me: He pulled the chocolatey treat out of its wrapper and gently placed it in her mouth. “Oh, baby, that tastes so good!”
Ed. note: this was supposed to refer to the yummy Hostess Ding Dong.

Me: What? Food pr0n is still pr0n. LMAO.

Me: So, when I told my personal trainer about the food pr0n, she thought I was referring to a black guy. EVEN BETTER!

Yup. I’ve officially lost my mind. How many days left? *grin*

I’m so going to hell… according to a number of sources.

i could happily be a mary sue in a ten fan fic… oh yeah

Speaking of fan fic:

One of the unspoken ‘rules’ of NaNoWriMo is “When in doubt, write pr0n.”

You would think that with the amount of boy/boy pr0n I read (and yes, I do read a little Sherlolly from time to time as a palate cleanser), I would be able to write it.

Um, NO. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO. I cannot write boy on boy for the life of me.

I suck so hard at it that it’s not even funny. It’s quite painful, really.

(Take that sentence as you may…)

——

OK. So.

I turned down an offer today from what essentially became my second choice. I really feel like I need to wait for the other company to invite me back for a second interview. This is now the second company I’ve walked away from this week. I’m not going to make a whole lot of money at the temp job, but it should keep us afloat for a bit longer.

ARGH! This is so hard!!!!

This other company better be worth the wait…

——

According to the Church of Christ on Rt. 1, “Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil: No point.”

As a long time believer in alternate religions and periodically identifying as an agnostic, I have a huge problem with this. I like how my life has been marginalized and has apparently been wasted. I get that it’s a church sign and that they’re entitled to their point of view, but OUCH! I totally believe in their right to post what they want on their road sign, but on the flip side, I’m going to exercise my right to call them out on their douchebaggery.

I can’t believe the Great and Powerful Oz would actually ask his followers to belittle others’ beliefs. What happened to ‘judge not lest ye be judged’? Isn’t that their thing? Like the Wiccans have the Rule of Three? It’s just ridiculous that my life is written off / has no point because I don’t believe in their pre-packaged, sanitized for the masses, Dog.

Grrrr….