Remission would be nice…

October 30, 2013 :: 2:02 PM

after a few entries without pix, i give you the cumberbabe

“10 years ago my mental illness got so bad that I finally got help. At first it was worse, then it was better, then worse again. Now I fluctuate, waiting out the darkness, reminding myself that depression lies and that it’s a medical condition that I never asked for, quietly battling with tiny demons in my head…until it suddenly passes and the drugs kick in or the seratonin settles or the demons get bored and then HALLELUJAH I’m alive again and things are good and I remind myself that this, this, THIS is real and this is worth waiting for each time.

One day I know that they’ll will find a cure for whatever it is in my head that randomly and unexpectedly clouds things up and makes life turn into a pale, cardboard imitation. One day they’ll find a cure. A drug that works. A shot that makes the demons go away.

A remission.”

I love knowing that, because of The Bloggess, her friends and followers, I’ve found my tribe. For me it’s been 12 years since the bipolar diagnosis, and there are dark times when every day is a struggle to remember that the depression side lies.

Her openness about her flavors of crazy is why I choose to share what I’m going through. No one should go through this shit alone and it’s only by being honest with ourselves (and others) that we find out that we really aren’t alone in all of this.


Now, to offset the seriousness…

You know you’re reading too much PWP fanfiction, when the label on the bottle of butter flavoured popcorn TOPPING oil makes you giggle for about 20 minutes.



What the fuck is wrong with me?

I may have bitten off more than I can chew

October 30, 2013 :: 10:45 AM

Charlie Burgess from Black Mountain Symphony - acoustic performance of “Shipwreck”

THIS is why i drive to albany (and other places) as much as i do.


NaNo starts on Friday, and I have a very busy weekend so it’s not going to get off to a great start.

I think the Zodiac storyline is going to be difficult to pull off and maybe I should stick to the 30 Day OTP Challenge. I’m so frustrated by my indecision that it’s disgusting. I haven’t done a thing to prep more for the Zodiac fic other than doing some quick one shots and 221Bs to get back in the habit of writing Johnlock. ARGH!


In other news, I have two interviews tomorrow, Frankenstein (staring Benedict Cumberbatch!!!!!!!) that night, BU hockey on Friday, and Black Mountain Symphony on Saturday. PLUS another interview on Monday.

(When it rains it pours, but I’m not complaining.)


The title of the last entry (“I write because I don’t know what else to do with myself”) came from a diary entry I wrote during a very bad time. If you couldn’t tell, I write kind of balls out when I get all deep and personal. It’s worse when I write offline because I know no one will ever see that.

I love that line so much that I can’t even… It’s so true.


Off to go look for more jobs. And do laundry. And proofread “PARIS”. And research the two companies I’m interviewing with tomorrow.

I don’t think my life could get more exciting.

I needed a pick me up, and I got one!

October 28, 2013 :: 5:31 PM

19 kudos

5 comments (and resulting responses, for a total comment count of 14 - but that includes my ‘thank you’ comments.)

The comments I’ve gotten are really sweet and the ones I got today put a huge smile on my face.


Still pissed about not finding my grandparents’ stuff, though…


By the way, writing 221Bs is a bitch! (221 words, last one begins with a ‘b’ - it’s a Sherlock fanfic thing.)

Fuck. Me. (And not in the ‘good way’)

October 28, 2013 :: 1:42 PM

yeah. that.

I cannot find my grandparents’ social security applications.

This is important because when they applied for their SSNs, they had to list their places of birth.

That is important because without their places of birth, I cannot establish lineage or determine if that lineage is eligible for Polish citizenship.

That is extra important because the location of their births may or may not actually be considered Poland due to three different citizenship acts, one of which refers to the shifting borders due to WW2.

Of course, the fact that my grandfather became a US Citizen in ‘55 and that my grandmother and mother followed in ‘66 might make all of that null and void…


While looking for their stuff, I came across my parents’ divorce paperwork.

Choice bits I don’t want to forget (and can’t figure out why I feel compelled to post here):

1) Well, she got, Helen got up and threw her books from the coffee table and then kicked her in the head. [‘her’, of course, being me]

2) Question: Was there a point in time during your marriage that your wife, in your mind, began to avoid her parental duties towards your daughter?

Answer: Again, I think looking back, probably when (she) was 8 or 9 or somewhere in that age. 7 or 8. Then it just got worse and worse. Towards the end, the two of them just couldn’t be in the same room. [‘she’ being me]

3) Mrs. N is quite argumentative, difficult to deal with… [Letter from her attorney to the court. Apparently, my mom when apeshit on her attorney after the divorce was finalised. There’s another letter to a new attorney from when she decided to try and sue the first one because of the judge’s decision, but her handwriting had degraded so far, I couldn’t read half of it.]


I’ve got a post that I’m going to write sooner rather than later. (I hope.)

It’s not all gloom and doom and, like everything else lately, I want to put it here so that I don’t “lose” it.


11 subscribers

18 kudos


Poland… POLAND!

October 25, 2013 :: 1:34 PM

this is not a manip. i repeat, not. a. manip.

I don’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. Simon Pegg fucking rocks.



Simply being born in German does not make one a German citizen, which means the child of someone born in Germany doesn’t have any right to claim citizenship.

Nazi bastards.

However, Poland is also among the group of UK approved countries that gets easy border crossing privileges.

I know one of my grandparents was born in Poland and the ship manifest from when they fled Germany lists all three of them as Polish, so…

I don’t know where the day has gone, but I’m going to research Poland citizenship requirements while listening to the BU game tonight. If all I need is a birth certificate and proof of citizenship, I can probably pull it off. I just need to figure out how to get a birth certificate.


In other news, I wrote a Johnlock one shot to get back into that fandom (OH! That’s what I’ve done all day so far. Whoops!). That was fun.

Bathroom lemons… I crossed a line even with myself.

It’s not my fault Benedict went on Top Gear and said that he’d rather give than receive and that he’s the dominate one.


I can’t remember the last time I dressed up for Halloween, but if I’m going to the Black Mountain Symphony show tomorrow, I’m going in costume.

I have the perfect costume. I just don’t know if / how I’m going to fit into it.

Wish me luck!




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