That’s just mean…

June 04, 2013 :: 11:22 PM


benefreckle suitybatch

I *know* I have a better version of this somewhere, but dipped if I can find it.


The fucking Sherlock fandom is KILLING me.

I don’t know if you remember the huge amount of fun that my discovery of “Alone on the Water” was, but here you go.

I came across a parent!lock fan fic that absolutely broke my fucking heart into pieces, put them back together and then broke it again. It’s called “Where I Cannot Find You” and I’ve downloaded the PDF from Ao3, so that I can add it to my list o’ “Shit That Can Make Me Cry When I Need To Whether I Want To Or Not”.  (Yes, I have a PDF copy of “Alone on the Water”, too. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a good - forced - cry every one in a while. It does what the drugs can’t.)

I’m flabbergasted with it’s brilliance. With it’s ending. With everything.

I read shit like this and it makes me feel like such a hack.

Definitely not how I needed to end tonight.



June 04, 2013 :: 5:57 PM


you can always count on tumblr for comic relief

Still in a deep, dark, decidedly not good place…

Jimmy the Pimp is pushing hard to find me my next job.

I’m glad he is, because firing up a computer to do nothing more than read fan fic is proving difficult right now.

Do you think NHES will forgive me for not looking for work this week? I’m so emotionally ill, it’s carried over, and now I’m physically ill.

You know those anti-depressant commercials on TV?

NOT written by the clinically, seriously, honest-to-Dog-I wouldn’t-wish-this-on-ANYONE, depressed.

Shit, I’m so far down in the dumps that just the IDEA of moving at all hurts.

You know how you get the flu and get all achy and miserable? I don’t know about others, but, dude, even my hair hurts. MY HAIR.

I’m going to knitting tonight, despite the fact that leaving the house is the very last thing I want to do, particularly for that reason.

If I don’t force myself, I can’t get past this point. No drugs can compete with this and win.

I know.

I’ve tried.


In other news…

On Saturday, Silent P jokingly took offense to being called Silent P… I took a look at the contacts in my phone and am seriously considering sending him the following list.

I have people in my phone named Bear, Boski, Bipolar Bro, C-Rollz, Cute Printer Boy, D, DJ D, Drug Dealer, Duke of Stud, Fingers, FNFTF, Football Boyfriend, Jimmy the Pimp, Little Bro, Maxon, Orion, Rothie, Skinny, Soup, Sprout, Stellen (f), Stellen (m), The Chicken is Boba Fett, Umbatu X Jaboba, and Zop.

I used to have someone named “Carlos Spicyweiner” in there, too, but, uh, we broke up. Again. Maybe I’ll find someone else I can use that for… eventually.

If I ever lose my phone, I feel sorry for the person that finds it. They’re not going to have ANY idea who these people are.

Yeah, I should probably use the real names in my contact list, but I’m the one that has to look at them on a daily basis and I LIKE seeing the crazy names. They crack me up.

And honestly, at this point, I’m going to do whatever the fuck I have to do to keep smiling, even if 90% of them are fake.


Sometimes other peoples’ words work just as well…

June 04, 2013 :: 10:28 AM

this song always reminds me of my mood swings but that’s OK

If I seem to be disjointed, well I am.
I am not the type of man to let you in,
but you always reunite me with myself
every time I’m trapped inside of someone else.
And I can’t see tomorrow any more than I can dream
about somebody else’s life ’til through his eyes I’ve seen.

Will you love me for who I am,
not who I might have been
or who I’ll be tomorrow
when I’m someone else again?
Will you love me for what you see,
not who you think I’ll be?
when I wake up tomorrow
will you still remember me?
Will you love me?
Will you love me?

Sometimes I feel like an echo in my skin
every time I’ve gone and lost myself again,
but you meet me everywhere I try to hide;
open up my doors and let yourself inside.
And I could swear I’ve known you
for a thousand lives or more,
but every day I’m someone
that you’ve never seen before.


‘Cause you’re the only face
that never changes, never leaves,
but when you look at me
who do you see?

(Chorus x2)

Who I Am—Matthew Ebel

I needed a little gingerbatch

June 03, 2013 :: 9:46 PM


what a beautiful man… seriously.

I’ve felt ‘off’ all day.

I’ve always called it ‘sick’ when I’m dealing with people who don’t get what a deep, dark, black pit of despair real depression is… I still struggle with telling people what’s wrong with me. Hell, I struggled with telling J the truth tonight about a few things. (None of which belong here… I do keep some things private.) So, I fall back on “I don’t feel well” or “I dunno. Guess I’m just tired.”

It’s hard to look for a job when the voices in your head are telling you you’re completely worthless and that you’ll never find another job.

So imagine my surprise when I came home to this in my Facebook messages:  You are intelligent and have an awesome command of the English language.

Thank you, R2D2.


June 03, 2013 :: 12:24 PM


don’t lie, eleven…


Remember a few days ago when I vented about companies deciding what my commute should be?

The first company to bring it up called me for a phone screen this morning (to my surprise). This is the same company who already asked me twice about my salary requirements and commute…

Needless to say, they called, asked those two questions, said sorry for wasting my time and ended the screen.

I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t want to work there anyway.

In the meantime, a job I applied for, that I did get a quick phone screen for, called me this morning to schedule a meeting with the CFO.


I’m still hoping to hear from everyone else I’ve met with already and I have an interview for a cost accounting job on Friday. I want to get into cost, and they’re willing to train - even with my required salary and experience level, I’m still a viable candidate.

I don’t know… this is pretty damn stressful and I’m at the end of my rope. I’m tired of being home alone all day every day.


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